Depression is a strange monster.
Up. Down. Inward. Outward. Hot and cold. Happy. Content. Angry. Volatile. Energized. Utterly drained. Tired. A list of things to do...undone.
Such is life!
I picked up a refill of my prescription this afternoon. I have been taking this drug for three months. The fact that I have only forgotten to take it twice in all that time is rather amazing; I tend to forget to take any sort of pill on a daily basis, prescribed or something as innocuous as a vitamin. Taking medication on a regular basis isn't something that I like to do, but I dislike my headaches more. So I take my little blue pill every night, except for those two nights that I forgot.
The headaches have been more common over the past couple of weeks. I wonder if a body can become acclimatized to this medication, diminishing its' effectiveness, or whether there are other factors at play. Regardless, headaches suck. Headaches that are more static and fuzz than pain are utterly detestable, because that type of headache wears on you like a steady drip of water on stone.
My weeks tend to be broken into two distinct parts. The energized and productive days tend to run from Monday to late Wednesday or Thursday. The rest of the days are lethargic and dreary. My thinking leads me to believe that this vicious cycle is a result of the depression. My great days tend to occur at the beginning of my days off work, so I have plenty to 'get done' and lots of enthusiasm for doing it. The trouble is that I can only run full tilt for a short while before I crash and burn or just run out of gas and gumption.
I hate cramming everything into my days off work, but I feel like there isn't much choice available to me. My afternoons and evenings are not always my own, so my running around, my chores need to be done early in the day, while the kids are at school. There is laundry to wash, groceries to buy, meals to plan and prepare, errands to run, housework to take care of, and somehow I have to fit in time for exercising, relaxing, and doing the fun things, the hobbies I like to do. There just doesn't seem to be enough time, so I cram and work like a mad woman while the energy is high.
And on it goes...
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Running Ragged
After two days of productivity and activity, I stumbled out of bed this morning, resentfully cursing my alarm clock. That was at 7:00 am. It is now 1:12 pm, and I still feel sluggish and tired.
It isn't surprising, in all honesty. Over the past two days I have: baked muffins and power bars; washed, dried and folded a mountain of laundry, made a trip to the library, bought produce and groceries, did a major clean-up of the van's interior, including vacuuming; finished a puzzle; read a book; watched a borrowed DVD; walked up a hill twice and also went for another easier walk; groaned my way through a 25 minute bosu ab/back routine; washed dishes; did general tidying and picking up; wrote out invitations and mailed them; paid bills; did numerous crunches and weight exercises; filled the van's windshield wash tank and gas tank; caught up on work information; made suppers; arranged for the giving away of a large stack of books. No wonder I am so exhausted today!
The problem with feeling so drained is that I inevitably waver between feelings of guilt and justification. I feel guilty for not doing more, because there is always something yet to be done and I tend to feel guilty whenever I focus on myself. Yet, I feel justified in taking a day for doing so little, because I do a lot already and I need to put a little focus on myself once in a while. This is a cycle that I am aware of, especially in light of the depression. It is so easy to run myself ragged while I am feeling great and energetic...and then there is the crash and burn. The challenge is to take advantage of the good feelings and minimize the damage when the crash happens. There is a happy balance to be found.
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Monday, March 22, 2010
The Story of a Girl Who Went Up a Hill and Came Back Down
I would say that today was a successful day. For a Monday and that says quite a lot! I was feeling a little down yesterday, dreading today and the week ahead of me. Yesterday was the last day of Spring Break and the last day of eight days off work. Those days off felt so nice, even if I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I had hoped, and so the prospect of returning to the same old crap, particularly at work, just was not something to look forward to.
However, the work day was rather benign. Oh, there was a teeny bit of pettiness from a co-worker, but even that episode was minor compared to what takes place most days. I was pleasantly surprised that my arrival at work did not result in an immediate assault on my ears. There is usually at least one co-worker eager to grumble in my ear the moment I walk in the door. I don't like going to work when the natives are restless. At any rate, the day was relatively uneventful. A little slow but a decent enough day.
I did feel a headache coming on shortly after I arrived at work. It was a slow starter, not reaching full force until several hours later when I was back home. I wasn't overly surprised to have a headache, because I forgot to take my little pill last night before bed. The only other time I forgot to take my pill resulted in a nasty headache all of the next day! Thankfully, this headache is mostly gone now.
Arriving at home, I was glad to be find the house empty, even if the kitchen was a mess, because it meant that Kane was working! I do enjoy spending time with my husband, but having Kane home for nearly four months was becoming very old, very fast. I caught up on some email and Facebook, downed some caffeine and Ibuprofen, then went to work cleaning the kitchen. The kids came home from school, one by one, and there was a sense of contentment and happiness in the routine.
After supper, I knew I needed some exercise. I am pleased with my weight loss progress, but I still need to work at getting enough physical activity. I had considered doing a 'bosu death routine' and then thought I might save the torture for a walk up Summit Drive tomorrow (uphill!). Reality quickly set in, shattering my plans for walking anywhere tomorrow. I had laundry to do, groceries to buy, and a library to visit. So, I decided to walk up Summit tonight!
I had never done this before, but I have walked partially up Knox Mtn. twice over the past couple of weeks. Knox is much more difficult, at least for someone as out of shape as me, but, for some reason, Summit has always intimidated me. I can be so silly sometimes!
Sure, it wasn't easy, but it really wasn't nearly as difficult as I had feared. My legs might feel it in the morning, but it would be a good feeling. I think. The walk certainly didn't take very long. I was out the door, up and down, and back at home within 25 minutes! It is so conveniently close to home, which is nice if I want more bang for my walking minutes without the inconvenience of driving somewhere first. The view from the top is amazing; I need to take a camera next time!
And I feel great. I came home and did 80 crunches, which nearly did me in, but I keep doing them anyway.
However, the work day was rather benign. Oh, there was a teeny bit of pettiness from a co-worker, but even that episode was minor compared to what takes place most days. I was pleasantly surprised that my arrival at work did not result in an immediate assault on my ears. There is usually at least one co-worker eager to grumble in my ear the moment I walk in the door. I don't like going to work when the natives are restless. At any rate, the day was relatively uneventful. A little slow but a decent enough day.
I did feel a headache coming on shortly after I arrived at work. It was a slow starter, not reaching full force until several hours later when I was back home. I wasn't overly surprised to have a headache, because I forgot to take my little pill last night before bed. The only other time I forgot to take my pill resulted in a nasty headache all of the next day! Thankfully, this headache is mostly gone now.
Arriving at home, I was glad to be find the house empty, even if the kitchen was a mess, because it meant that Kane was working! I do enjoy spending time with my husband, but having Kane home for nearly four months was becoming very old, very fast. I caught up on some email and Facebook, downed some caffeine and Ibuprofen, then went to work cleaning the kitchen. The kids came home from school, one by one, and there was a sense of contentment and happiness in the routine.
After supper, I knew I needed some exercise. I am pleased with my weight loss progress, but I still need to work at getting enough physical activity. I had considered doing a 'bosu death routine' and then thought I might save the torture for a walk up Summit Drive tomorrow (uphill!). Reality quickly set in, shattering my plans for walking anywhere tomorrow. I had laundry to do, groceries to buy, and a library to visit. So, I decided to walk up Summit tonight!
I had never done this before, but I have walked partially up Knox Mtn. twice over the past couple of weeks. Knox is much more difficult, at least for someone as out of shape as me, but, for some reason, Summit has always intimidated me. I can be so silly sometimes!
Sure, it wasn't easy, but it really wasn't nearly as difficult as I had feared. My legs might feel it in the morning, but it would be a good feeling. I think. The walk certainly didn't take very long. I was out the door, up and down, and back at home within 25 minutes! It is so conveniently close to home, which is nice if I want more bang for my walking minutes without the inconvenience of driving somewhere first. The view from the top is amazing; I need to take a camera next time!
And I feel great. I came home and did 80 crunches, which nearly did me in, but I keep doing them anyway.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
To Do or Not To Do?
So I have the entire week off work, and all my 'plans' for the week seem to have been scattered in the wind. There was a mental list, but I never got around to putting that list down on paper. I should know better! As wonderfully good as my memory can be, it can also be pathetically holey when it comes to remembering the little details. I had lofty goals of doing major spring cleaning, more exercising, more organizing, more fun...
Instead, I managed to scrub the inside of my toilet, move a large bookcase, picked up a second-hand cabinet (which is now my scrapbook supply station), caught up on laundry, attended the Detroit Red Wings practice, read half of a book (it isn't very enjoyable), walked part of the way up Knox Mtn., and...that's about it, more or less.
I know those are accomplishments, but they don't feel like much of anything. Aside from the Knox Mtn. walk, I haven't really done any fitness this week. Laundry is something that must be done, or we're left wearing dirty clothes or going naked. The new scrapbook cabinet is exciting. The Red Wings practice was great. In one way or another, these things can be checked off on one of several mental 'to-do' lists-they just aren't the grandiose things I was hoping to accomplish.
Are my expectations out of whack? Or, am I just far less organized and motivated than I think I am? The week is half finished. Before I realize it, Monday will be here, along with work and school. I want to make the most of what remains of my freedom, but I have to wonder if I don't overwhelm myself. There are so many things that I want to do. I feel pulled in so many directions, and I am no comic strip super-hero with a stretchy body! Well, it might feel like I am literally pulled in multiple directions at once, but the truth is that my effectiveness diminishes the more stretched I allow myself to be. Multi-tasking has its' place and purposes, and I can be an effective multi-tasker. However, I don't believe we were designed to live our lives in a constant state of juggling. I can multi-task, but I cannot juggle!
Perhaps I need to give myself permission to succeed, to take small steps and reach each one before moving onto the next one. I have always been a list-maker, but I know that I am far more efficient with a visible list rather than just a mental one.
Step 1: Must make lists!
Step 2: Prioritize!
Step 3: Just do it!
Instead, I managed to scrub the inside of my toilet, move a large bookcase, picked up a second-hand cabinet (which is now my scrapbook supply station), caught up on laundry, attended the Detroit Red Wings practice, read half of a book (it isn't very enjoyable), walked part of the way up Knox Mtn., and...that's about it, more or less.
I know those are accomplishments, but they don't feel like much of anything. Aside from the Knox Mtn. walk, I haven't really done any fitness this week. Laundry is something that must be done, or we're left wearing dirty clothes or going naked. The new scrapbook cabinet is exciting. The Red Wings practice was great. In one way or another, these things can be checked off on one of several mental 'to-do' lists-they just aren't the grandiose things I was hoping to accomplish.
Are my expectations out of whack? Or, am I just far less organized and motivated than I think I am? The week is half finished. Before I realize it, Monday will be here, along with work and school. I want to make the most of what remains of my freedom, but I have to wonder if I don't overwhelm myself. There are so many things that I want to do. I feel pulled in so many directions, and I am no comic strip super-hero with a stretchy body! Well, it might feel like I am literally pulled in multiple directions at once, but the truth is that my effectiveness diminishes the more stretched I allow myself to be. Multi-tasking has its' place and purposes, and I can be an effective multi-tasker. However, I don't believe we were designed to live our lives in a constant state of juggling. I can multi-task, but I cannot juggle!
Perhaps I need to give myself permission to succeed, to take small steps and reach each one before moving onto the next one. I have always been a list-maker, but I know that I am far more efficient with a visible list rather than just a mental one.
Step 1: Must make lists!
Step 2: Prioritize!
Step 3: Just do it!
Friday, March 05, 2010
Deceptively Delicious
I found a cookbook that makes me feel like a super spy! Actually, I came across Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld a while ago, while browsing the local bookstore, but the price was too steep and my quick perusal found little to inspire. The idea of making fruit and vegetable purees to hide in various recipes seemed like a lot of work for food that Sam, my pickiest eater, wouldn't touch. Fast forward to the other day when Kane and I were at the library. I came across this same cookbook, took a slightly more leisurely look through the pages and decided to check it out. Maybe it's the fact that I am cooking more and relying less on pre-packaged items, but this time I felt like even Sam might eat some of the recipes. And if I can get him to eat even just a few items from this book, then I will have accomplished a minor miracle!
So excited was I about this cookbook that I went to the bookstore last night to purchase my own copy. The price was much more modest-only $14, compared to $30! I was so excited about trying out the recipes.
This morning I made chocolate chip cookies from the cookbook. They are just like any other chocolate chip cookie, except for the addition of chickpeas. And they taste great! I don't think the kids will know that there is something different. I wouldn't even know if I hadn't made them myself. Even then, I can't taste the chickpeas!
I have butternut squash baking and carrots steaming as I type. The second recipe I want to make is called Tortilla Cigars, but I'll just call them taquidos as that is what the kids will compare them to. I hope. If Sam will eat these, then I will be over the moon.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Strange Schedules
It's funny how one minor change can play games with your mind.
It's an absolutely beautiful day. It feels more like May 4th instead of March 4th. I had a decent day at work, followed by a somewhat tedious hour watching the wrap-up to the district Science Fair that Abby was in. When I finally got home and had opportunity to actually use the computer, I electronically asked a friend how he did on his final exams for a course he is taking. He got back to me with the "news" that his exams were tomorrow morning.
There are times when I am glad that I can communicate electronically without the benefit of visual contact, because this was one moment when I must have looked quite odd. I admit to being a little perplexed. I was certain that I had been told that the exams were on Friday. In fact, I had even gone back through old messages to be certain before I sent my query. When that information still didn't compute in my brain, I then wondered why he would have exams on a Saturday morning. Seemed rather odd to me...until my brain finally fired on all cylinders, and I realized that today was only Thursday!
You see, for the past several weeks, if not longer, my work week has seen me scheduled rather consistently for Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays. The scheduler thought she would mix things up a bit for me this week and had me work Monday, Thursday and Saturday. It truly was not a major change, although I do enjoy having three consecutive days off, but my brain obviously missed the memo.
It is Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday; a rare Friday off work for me! Hopefully the weather will be just as gorgeous tomorrow, so that I can get in a good walk, possibly a partial jog.
It's an absolutely beautiful day. It feels more like May 4th instead of March 4th. I had a decent day at work, followed by a somewhat tedious hour watching the wrap-up to the district Science Fair that Abby was in. When I finally got home and had opportunity to actually use the computer, I electronically asked a friend how he did on his final exams for a course he is taking. He got back to me with the "news" that his exams were tomorrow morning.
There are times when I am glad that I can communicate electronically without the benefit of visual contact, because this was one moment when I must have looked quite odd. I admit to being a little perplexed. I was certain that I had been told that the exams were on Friday. In fact, I had even gone back through old messages to be certain before I sent my query. When that information still didn't compute in my brain, I then wondered why he would have exams on a Saturday morning. Seemed rather odd to me...until my brain finally fired on all cylinders, and I realized that today was only Thursday!
You see, for the past several weeks, if not longer, my work week has seen me scheduled rather consistently for Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays. The scheduler thought she would mix things up a bit for me this week and had me work Monday, Thursday and Saturday. It truly was not a major change, although I do enjoy having three consecutive days off, but my brain obviously missed the memo.
It is Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday; a rare Friday off work for me! Hopefully the weather will be just as gorgeous tomorrow, so that I can get in a good walk, possibly a partial jog.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Strange Days
The Olympics are over, and I can get back to a normal routine. Or so I thought. Instead, this week is looking to be a strange and busy schmozzle. I don't know if 'schmozzle' is even a word, and I don't really care. I can make up a word if I want to, especially if it matches how I feel.
Today and tomorrow are my consecutive days off for the week, which really wouldn't be an issue under normal circumstances. Three days would be better, but I can typically get a lot accomplished in two days. It's just that these two days have large chunks of time gobbled up with extra-curricular parental duties, namely playing chauffeur and chaperon.
I left the house shortly after 8am this morning and did not return until nearly 2pm. That's almost like going to work! Half of my time was spent at Abby's basketball tournament. The other half was spent picking up photos for Abby's science fair project, buying produce, and taking Casey to the doctor ('cause he is sick once again!). So, I'm still doing laundry at 7:30pm instead of having it all finished by mid-afternoon. The only housework I got done was squirting toilet bowl cleaner and swishing with the scrub brush. I didn't make it to the library. My kitchen is still a mess.
Tomorrow is another crazy day. Abby won the privilege of attending a district science fair, which takes place tomorrow afternoon/evening and all day Thursday. I'm working Thursday, so I'll miss that part. But, I will need to pick her up from school at 2:30 and take her to the college. She will be at the college from 3pm to about 7:30pm and needing parental supervision for most of that time. So, anything I want or need to do or didn't get done today will need to be crammed into tomorrow morning.
I still need to go to the library. They don't open until 10am. I still have at least one, maybe two loads of laundry to do. I have to make supper (Italian wedding soup) before I pick up Abby. A walk would really be good, if I can fit it in. I have a bunch of scrap booking stuff to clean up/put away after it was dumped in order to use the spare table over the weekend. I'd like enough time just to actually do some scrap booking! Actually, I could make a long list of things that need to be done, but those are the things that get put on the back burner as there just isn't enough time in the day.
Then I work Thursday. Friday is a day off, but those single days off are always more about existing than living. Saturday is a full work day with an early start. I'm looking forward to it though. It is the last Saturday shift without a certain manager, which means that I am in charge. I'm not a power hungry maniac, but I am a harder and more efficient worker than this manager. She'll be back next week, and things will go back to being inefficient and mismanaged. Ah, but then I am taking a week off!
Guess I'll need to plan my week off, so that I can cross off some 'to-do items' and still get some 'me' time.
Today and tomorrow are my consecutive days off for the week, which really wouldn't be an issue under normal circumstances. Three days would be better, but I can typically get a lot accomplished in two days. It's just that these two days have large chunks of time gobbled up with extra-curricular parental duties, namely playing chauffeur and chaperon.
I left the house shortly after 8am this morning and did not return until nearly 2pm. That's almost like going to work! Half of my time was spent at Abby's basketball tournament. The other half was spent picking up photos for Abby's science fair project, buying produce, and taking Casey to the doctor ('cause he is sick once again!). So, I'm still doing laundry at 7:30pm instead of having it all finished by mid-afternoon. The only housework I got done was squirting toilet bowl cleaner and swishing with the scrub brush. I didn't make it to the library. My kitchen is still a mess.
Tomorrow is another crazy day. Abby won the privilege of attending a district science fair, which takes place tomorrow afternoon/evening and all day Thursday. I'm working Thursday, so I'll miss that part. But, I will need to pick her up from school at 2:30 and take her to the college. She will be at the college from 3pm to about 7:30pm and needing parental supervision for most of that time. So, anything I want or need to do or didn't get done today will need to be crammed into tomorrow morning.
I still need to go to the library. They don't open until 10am. I still have at least one, maybe two loads of laundry to do. I have to make supper (Italian wedding soup) before I pick up Abby. A walk would really be good, if I can fit it in. I have a bunch of scrap booking stuff to clean up/put away after it was dumped in order to use the spare table over the weekend. I'd like enough time just to actually do some scrap booking! Actually, I could make a long list of things that need to be done, but those are the things that get put on the back burner as there just isn't enough time in the day.
Then I work Thursday. Friday is a day off, but those single days off are always more about existing than living. Saturday is a full work day with an early start. I'm looking forward to it though. It is the last Saturday shift without a certain manager, which means that I am in charge. I'm not a power hungry maniac, but I am a harder and more efficient worker than this manager. She'll be back next week, and things will go back to being inefficient and mismanaged. Ah, but then I am taking a week off!
Guess I'll need to plan my week off, so that I can cross off some 'to-do items' and still get some 'me' time.
Monday, March 01, 2010
How Strange
It feels a little strange to come home from work today and not immediately turn on the television to see what was going on at the Olympics.
We watched The Vampire's Assistant last night. It was a better movie than I had thought it would be, but it had a strange kind of feel to it. I can't quite put my finger on why. John C. Reilly's character was an odd sort of vampire, at least as far as most vampires go. Parts of the movie were quite campy, while other parts tried to be serious. I liked it enough to desire the proposed sequels, but I wouldn't pay to see it at the theatre.
Our weather has certainly been strange. Winter is just about over, yet it feels like we're still waiting for it to begin! I am hoping that our mild winter will not bring us an icy and bitter spring, and it sure would be nice to have a nice, moderately hot summer extending well into the fall.
It feels incredibly strange to realize that I am slightly more than a year away from having a high school graduate for a child! My baby will enter middle school in the fall. Surely I am not old enough to be mother to these children?!
At first glance, some of the themes for NaBloPoMo seem a little strange, but I always find myself savoring the theme in my head, twisting and turning it, flirting with ideas. The challenge is to take those thoughts and put them down. March's theme is STRANGE(R). Hmmm....
We watched The Vampire's Assistant last night. It was a better movie than I had thought it would be, but it had a strange kind of feel to it. I can't quite put my finger on why. John C. Reilly's character was an odd sort of vampire, at least as far as most vampires go. Parts of the movie were quite campy, while other parts tried to be serious. I liked it enough to desire the proposed sequels, but I wouldn't pay to see it at the theatre.
Our weather has certainly been strange. Winter is just about over, yet it feels like we're still waiting for it to begin! I am hoping that our mild winter will not bring us an icy and bitter spring, and it sure would be nice to have a nice, moderately hot summer extending well into the fall.
It feels incredibly strange to realize that I am slightly more than a year away from having a high school graduate for a child! My baby will enter middle school in the fall. Surely I am not old enough to be mother to these children?!
At first glance, some of the themes for NaBloPoMo seem a little strange, but I always find myself savoring the theme in my head, twisting and turning it, flirting with ideas. The challenge is to take those thoughts and put them down. March's theme is STRANGE(R). Hmmm....
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