This is me restraining myself...

Pat,

I want you to know that I am not hurt by your comments. Once upon a time I might have been personally been wounded by your venom; however, I am simply angry, offended and tired of these theatrics. I know that you have told Kane that you have certain expectations of family and that we've let you down many times. We are not perfect and have never tried to claim that we are. We are human, we make mistakes and we will inevitably let you down, just as we have often been disappointed by friends and family members. Yes, we have been let down by family, even by you and Brent, many times. You know what? It happens to everyone. We feel hurt or upset, but we deal with it and understand that everyone is different and must live their own lives...even families.

What you expect of us might be quite different from what we expect of you. That doesn't make our expectations better than yours; it just makes them different. We are not responsible for your expectations, and you are not responsible for ours. If you can't live up to our expectations then we need to deal with our disappointment rather than lashing out at you for not meeting our standards. If we don't meet your expectations then perhaps you need to re-examine your expectations and the way you deal with disappointment.

You and Brent have both made a big issue out of how little time we have spent with you since you moved to Vernon. Put yourselves into our shoes for a few minutes please. Our family is different than yours. Brent is in the airforce. You have your own business. You have one child. You are a very crafty person, very outgoing and helpful. You always seem to be busy. Kane is a plumber with another year of school still to come. He works hard and long hours. The company he works for is rather busy as are many trades in the area. His boss wants him to work lots of over-time because of how busy they are. Kane also coaches baseball. There were many days where he wouldn't even make it home before going to the ballpark. I work part-time, but my schedule is not set in stone from week to week. I never know more than a week in advance what days or hours I will work which makes it difficult to plan anything too far ahead. I sit on the executive for our baseball association. My tasks on the executive include finding sponsorship, field scheduling for games and practices, and acting as a liaison between the executive and an all-girls' team. We have three children each with their own lives. Sam has played hockey for the past 6 years but has decided not to play in the fall. He has played baseball for 9 years and been an umpire for 4 years. He is entering high school in the fall. He has been a part of the cross-country running team for the past 3 years at school. He enjoys attending his youth group when he can. He will be 15 soon and like many teenage boys he is often unmotivated. It is a struggle to get him to put in enough effort at school. Casey loves baseball! He has been playing for 8 years and umping for 2. It was a difficult decision to not play summer ball this year simply because he is a good player and he loves to play so much. He entered middle school last fall and found life suddenly a little more difficult than he had anticipated. He joined several sports teams at school: cross-country running, volleyball, and basketball. He is a social kind of kid and wants to be busy and entertained. Abby is highly social and would spend all her time with her friends if she could. She has played baseball for 6 years and has really improved over the last year. She was on an all-girls' baseball (not softball) team this year, something that is ground-breaking and exciting. She was in the Environmental club at school and also took part in an after-school art program for several weeks. She loves music and is part of a music/drama/crafts program at our church. These are the things we do. We are certainly busy, but as busy goes we are not nearly as busy as some.

I know you are busy, so I wish that you could understand how much busier we are with three kids. Baseball is not an excuse we use to brush you off. Baseball is 2-3 months of the year where we are extremely busy, because our kids are in different age groups so their games are spread out. You expect us to just cancel a game to spend time with you, but we make a commitment to a team when we register our kids each year. It is surprising how few games the kids actually play considering how busy we are, but we cannot simply drop several games. Kane is needed as a coach. There are situations where one kid missing a game can be the difference between having enough players or not. We try to teach our kids responsibility and commitment and being part of a team is an example of where both are required. Of course, that isn't to say that we have never missed a game, because we have for school functions. And you know, just because baseball is over doesn't mean that we are utterly and completely free. Life is busy for many people. If you believe we're giving you excuses then that is your opinion.

What are your excuses for not spending time with us? Are you busy? Don't want to spend time with us? I don't get it! You hurtle all these accusations at us, and yet you are just as guilty of the same thing. It didn't work for us to come visit for Payton's birthday, but we did invite you to come watch Sam play baseball in Vernon and hang out with us there. You were too busy, too tired to come...but you expect us to interrupt our busy lives and to ignore our exhaustion to visit with you. There have been far more times where you have stayed home or run off to do errands rather than visit with us, even when Brent and Payton have.

I don't know where you get the idea that we are only interested in your money or bribes! Where on earth did that come from?! And where do you get the idea that we're suddenly making money as if we're raking in the dough? Yes, Kane received a raise very recently, but we have never looked at you or anyone differently because of how much money we make or don't make. Kane was willing to help with your fence without being paid because you are family, and his motivation for calling you yesterday most certainly had nothing to do with you paying him anything! In case you forgot, you called asking him to come help, so he was trying to return your call and let you know that this weekend wouldn't work for him but another time might.

Our little trip to Seattle is not a freebie weekend with the company. Kane wasn't completely honest with Brent about that; he didn't want Brent to offer us money like he usually does. There's nothing free about this trip. We are paying for it. We deserve a little vacation, and who are you to insinuate that we should sacrifice that for you? We haven't had a real vacation in years, and this is in many ways a treat for our kids for not playing summer ball this year. If we scrimp and save and sacrifice in order to make this happen for our family what is it to you? Are you upset that we didn't include you or that we are going away? Or are you only upset because Kane couldn't help with the fence this weekend?

We had nothing to do with your decision to move to Vernon. We had nothing to do with Brent still being in Victoria while you are here in Vernon. We know it is difficult having that separation; we've done it! Several years ago, Kane spent several months working in Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba, leaving me home with three much younger children. It might not be quite the same as being dropped in a new city, but the principle of being on your own is very much the same. Did I get help from either of you or Rick or Kent? No. Did my siblings help out? No. There were times when I was busy and stressed and lonely and felt uncompletely unsupported. There was a reason why Kane changed his line of work...because we didn't like that separation and it was too difficult. That decision meant a change to a lower paying job, but it was a sacrifice well worth it in our opinion because it was best for our family. We all need to make choices based on our own priorities, and priorities are different from family to family.

I am offended by your comments about breaking the ice with our family, our lack of welcome, and the joke of getting closer to Brent's family. How can you make such pronouncements when you have held such a low opinion of me for years? Several years ago, Brent had a lengthy conversation with Kane about how the both of you felt about me, and it wasn't very flattering in the least. Shall I recap for you, because I know I will never forget it. You don't feel comfortable around me, largely because I am not as chatty as you are. You have no interest in getting to know me or even taking the time to get to know me. All expectations have been on me to change into someone that you are more comfortable with...whatever that looks like. And the clincher? We shouldn't expect you to spend very much time with us when you moved here because you don't like me and don't want to!

Quite different from your lofty expectations, isn't it? You chew us out for not spending enough time with you, yet we've been told that you don't want to spend time with us. Who is the hypocrite now? For all your talk of familial expectations, your own attitude and behaviour have been rather contradictory and childish.

You and I are quite different people. You are very out-going and chatty. I am not. It is a slap in the face to hear you and Brent say that I do not respond to you AT ALL when I know that is simply not true. I may not talk as much as you do, but that does not mean that I refuse to talk to you...or was I imagining all those times we actually exchanged dialogue with each other? Why should I change to make you feel comfortable around me? Why shouldn't you change to make me feel more comfortable? Surely you are capable of getting along with people different from yourself, so you should be able to meet me half way. I don't expect you to be different than you are. I don't expect you to be like me or to change to be more like me. What I do want is to be accepted for who I am without strings attached. I have friends that are far more out-going and chatty than I am, but we get along perfectly well because our friendship is based on deeper things than the number of words that we speak. Relationships take time and effort. You decided long ago that I wasn't worth either of those things, so it shouldn't be a surprise that we really have a superficial and uncomfortable relationship. And it shouldn't be a surprise that I don't feel comfortable around you knowing how you truly feel. I might not make the biggest effort, but I make an effort. We visited you at Christmas a few years ago. We've welcomed you to our home several summers in a row. If I don't get all warm and fuzzy with you then you'll just have to accept what I do offer because, unless you are truly willing to get to know me on a real and personal level, I am just not going to let myself be your doormat. All my life I have listened to enough voices which tell me that I am not pretty enough, not slim enough, not smart enough, not out-going enough, not co-ordinated enough, not stylish enough, not athletic enough...and the list goes on and on. I cannot be something that I was never created to be. You are unique and special. I am unique and special. We are both wonderfully created with a purpose. I cannot be like you, and you cannot be like me. We are different and different is okay. Really! It is narrow-minded to assume that because I am not like you that I am unworthy of your time or that I need to change in order to fit into your pre-determined mould. I accept you for who you are and only expect the same in return.

Quite honestly, you don't have a clue whether we are welcoming to others or not. We don't have time for a lot of entertaining. We don't have much money for entertaining. The state of our yard and home often hinders us from entertaining. But none of those things are real indicators of whether or not we are welcoming to others! We have always welcomed Rick and Kent to drop by or to come over for a holiday meal. More often than not, they don't come and this has been going on for years. We would most certainly welcome you for a holiday meal or to drop by sometime, but you are judging us based on the busiest months of our year! You've only been in Vernon for 3 months...the same months that coincide with our busiest time.

Pat, in all honesty, we are concerned about you, especially in light of the behaviour that you continuously exhibit. One minute everything is fine, but the next minute you are flying off the handle at us because of something you think we did or didn't do. We are concerned for how all of this affects Payton. Does she really need to be the one to tell her Uncle that you don't want to talk to him ever again?!

You, Brent and Payton are family. You really have no idea how long Kane has wanted his family to act like a family; it has been many, many years! But as much as you are family, our first priority is to our little family of myself, Kane, Sam, Casey and Abby. We are more than willing to spend time with you and be what a family should be, but if you want to keep playing these childish mind games then you can expect to not see that much of us.

Angela