Last Post of 2007

I think I am a fairly retrospective kind of person. I love history. I enjoy looking back to see how far I've come and just where exactly I have been, because one cannot always tell in the moment! Perhaps this is why I journal and why I read through my journals from time to time. I suppose it is only natural to feel retrospective at this time of the year when one year ends and a new one is set to begin, but this is something I do on a regular basis throughout the year in many little ways.

I was thinking last night about the past decade and how far we've come as a family in that time. 1997 was a terrible year in many ways; more than I care to recount here. Kane's mom passed away and we bought her house. We've lived here for ten years, in the same house where Kane grew up, and it nearly feels like it is completely ours rather than my mother-in-law's house. Ten years ago, Abby was not yet born, and I was waddling after two pre-schoolers. Kane was installing water meters. Here we are today with a 14 yr. old, a 12 yr. old, and a girl that is 9 going on 16. Kane is working on his plumbing apprenticeship, and I am working part-time. Wow!

2007, in comparison, hasn't been quite as bad a year as 1997 was; however, it hasn't exactly been all that great of a year either. I want to say that the past year was a good year and so it was on the surface, I guess. In many ways, it was a benign year with really only two events to stir things up.

The car accident. I am tired of people at work asking me how I am doing. They mean well, and it isn't that I don't wish to answer...there just isn't a whole lot to say on that subject. I still have a headache which has never completely gone away. The severity may vary from day to day or hour to hour, but it is still always there. The back pain isn't quite as bad but even that is something that changes from day to day depending on the situation. If I'm off work for a few days then my back might not be too bad, but if I'm working and doing a lot of bending then it is going to be bothering me a fair bit more. A trip to the chiropractor tends to make my headache worse and might aggravate my back, or it might not result in any noticeable change. I'd love nothing more than to say that I'm feeling better. I am...better than I was a month ago which was better than the month before that, but it is more like a two steps forward, three steps back kind of recovery. It isn't like a broken bone which can be set, casted and healed in 4-6 weeks.

The other event wasn't so much an event as it was/is an ongoing emotional struggle. I think I have only written about it once before here as it isn't something I have felt too "safe" in talking about it on my blog. Long story made incredibly short...someone who was one of my closest friends pulled away and shut me out. It was something that started a couple of years ago and reached the breaking point a little more than a year ago. At that time, I made the decision to take a step back from the relationship. There really wasn't much of a relationship left, and I was being consumed by stress and insecurities. Stepping back was a difficult thing to do; it went against my nature. I've always been a friends for life kind of person, but I needed space for my own protection and sanity.

When I made that decision, I didn't really know what the result would look like. Stepping back didn't necessarily mean cutting all ties, and I don't think I could have done that without creating a huge mess. Mostly, things were easier for a while, less stressful, more sane, but there has always been an invisible cord keeping me tied to the situation. I can't escape it and so I've been shaken a few times again this year, sucked back into the stress and forced to make difficult decisions yet again. It is tiring.

I don't hate this person even if I don't feel like I truly know this person anymore. I wish I could say that I'm not angry, but I know that I do have a little anger simmering beneath the surface. There is a lot of confusion and uncertainty still. Mostly though, I am simply sad and wounded but surviving.

And that has been my 2007!

Christmas

Yes, we did survive Christmas! Actually, we had a nice Christmas, quiet and uneventful, which is always a good thing.

I heard someone get up at 6:00am Christmas day with more pitter-patter shortly after. I tried to sleep just a little bit longer, but it wasn't very long before all the kids were up and quietly waiting. It was slightly strange to think back on just how quiet and patient they were in their waiting...weird! While we waited for grandma and grandpa to stir, I got the turkey ready to go in the oven, and then we were opening presents and having fun.

We feasted on turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, Brussels sprouts, cranberries, carrots, celery sticks with Cheez Whiz, pumpkin pie and Christmas baking. Neither of my brothers-in-law showed up which wasn't really all that surprising, but my brother did as did my sister and her boyfriend and two kids. It was a good thing. I'm not sure how long Candice has been with Darcy (must be several years now), but this was the first time that he has been at a family function. It feels weird to say that 'out loud'. It wasn't intentional; just miscommunication. I've always just assumed that either Candice didn't want to include him or that he himself did not want to be involved. But, Kane and Darcy were in the same plumbing class over the past few weeks, so they were able to get to know each other and communication lines cleared just a little. A good thing!

I got my Pride & Prejudice movie, so I am happy. Everyone seemed happy with their gifts.

We ate too much and lay in a semi-comatose state for the rest of the night, but we were able to sleep in the next day. Kane and Abby made brunch on Boxing Day (well, I made my mini frittattas). Kane had invited his two brothers to come over for brunch, both said that they would but, naturally, neither showed. One was too hung over and the other had already made a big effort in giving us a Christmas card with money for the kids. That brother could have dropped off the Earth for a year or two for all we knew; he basically shut himself away from everyone. His life is a mess, but he's working on change, and we are pleased by the little steps that he has been taking. It would have been nice if he had come over for Christmas, but he hasn't acknowledged the kids at Christmas or their birthdays for probably 3 or 4 years!

Family!

Kane finished school right before Christmas and won't be going back to work until January 2nd. He's been able to get a lot done in the new suite and downstairs. In fact, we separated the bunk bed today and Sam will be sleeping downstairs as of tonight! The boys are so excited!!! Sam's room isn't really ready yet, but he can sleep in a room without a dividing wall, so long as he remembers that he's not allowed to watch the TV or play video games when he's supposed to be sleeping.

I am working a lot over the holidays. It is a good thing, I guess, even if it is more hours than I really want. Gotta love how my availability suddenly changes during school breaks without any word from me! I don't mind starting earlier when the kids aren't in school as long as it isn't every day, but I did have to leave a note when I was given a couple of shifts until 5pm. Ugh.

So yeah, it has been a good Christmas, even if Kane did make us watch White Christmas on Christmas Eve. I'm just glad that it wasn't It's a Wonderful Life! It was a hoot listening to the kids' comments while watching the movie though. Here's one example:

Casey: Is this movie real life?
Abby: No, because if it was real life it wouldn't be so hokey!


Jill Paquette played at our church on Christmas, and she was amazing. She's a Canadian girl now living/working in Nashville, and I loved her music and her voice. I need some time to listen to her cds, because I know that the words are rich and meaty, the kind of music that reaches in and touches you. check her out www.jillpaquette.com








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Twas the Day Before Christmas...

and all through the house
not a creature was stirring...

wait a minute!

This is my house and creatures are most definitely stirring!

Actually, Kane and the boys are off finishing off their Christmas shopping, while Abby and I have been busy in the kitchen. I have a list (where would I be without my lists?!) of things that need to be done for tomorrow, mostly concerning the big turkey dinner. It isn't a big list compared to most of my lists for such occasions. Either I have been more efficient than I thought I was or I'm forgetting a whole bunch of things that I won't remember until the last minute! Ah well, my mantra this year has been that Christmas will come whether I am ready or not, and so it will.

Pumpkin pies are cooling on the counter. Onions and celery for the stuffing have been chopped, Brussels sprouts trimmed. The turkey has thawed and is waiting in the fridge to be stuffed and popped in the oven in the morning.

I think I only have one thing left to wrap tonight and, of course, the stockings to stuff.

Some family is coming over tomorrow, although I am not entirely sure exactly who or how many. I do know that one sister is coming and bringing her boyfriend, hopefully kids, too. Pretty sure my brother will be here, but I don't know about my other sister and her kids and boyfriend. Both local brothers-in-law have been invited but their presence is somewhat doubtful. One has said that he won't come if the other is there, while the other has made a commitment to help at the Gospel Mission tomorrow.

I'm still not convinced that I feel very christmas-y yet, but I do feel a measure of hope and joy that I did not feel even a week ago. The past three and a half months have been quite different from what I could have anticipated. The car accident shook me up: physically, emotionally and most likely spiritually as well. It is amazing how something so seemingly minor can cause so much upset in a person's life!

How the Grinch Stole Christmas has been playing on TV quite frequently for the past month, and I could not be happier about it. I've always loved that book and cartoon, and I can relate to it so well. I am not the Grinch wanting to be rid of Christmas, and I'm not convinced that I am a Who either; however, I am encouraged by the reminder that Christmas is far more than ribbons, bows, boxes and bags and toys, gifts, trees, and roast beasts. Every year seems to be a frantic dash to the finish line, and it is easy to get caught up in the busyness of checking items off of 'to-do' lists rather than simply basking in God's love and precious gift to me!

We're having a white Christmas this year, and today the sun is shining! Despite the pain and the depression that goes along with it, I think this will be a good Christmas, maybe even a great one!

This is disjointed. Sorry about that, but I find my thoughts are often disjointed lately, interrupted as they are by thoughts of pain and distracted by musical rabbit trails playing on the stereo. There's just too much to say, but I can only sit in this chair for so long, and I don't quite know where to begin or end.

Bits & Bites

1. If a product is advertised as being a blueberry tea cake then there should be blueberries in it and NO raisins. It looked so good until I took that first bite and felt the squishy that could only come from a raisin. Blech! Seriously, I despise raisins in things. I like raisins plain, in cereal, or covered in chocolate but not in cookies, muffins, loaves or anything else.

2. Sam's band class is learning to play music from the Lord of the Rings movie! He's excited. I'm excited. When Sam was in grade 7 and just starting out in band, we heard the grade 9's play the same LOTR music at one of their school concerts. It was amazing. I will be most annoyed if Sam's class does not play this music for their spring concert.

3. I am finished my Christmas and Casey's birthday shopping! What a relief that is to be done. I was amazed at how easy it was to find the perfect gift for everyone last year, but this year could qualify as 8 hours of torture. I didn't have a clue and nothing popped out at me. There were lots of "hmmm, maybe but I don't know" and very little "that's perfect!" But, I did finally find that perfect gift last night after hours of looking for Casey's birthday gift. I feel so good about it that I almost feel Christmas-y.

4. The headaches and back pain continue. I am finished with physiotherapy as their efforts were not producing any noticeable results. So, I have moved on to chiropractic treatment and have had three adjustments thus far. The chiropractor ordered x-rays for my neck and lower back, amazed that my doctor had not already done so, and he went over the results with me yesterday. Surprise, surprise! My head isn't screwed on right! The curvature of my neck is not normal, but my lower back looks pretty good. The good news with the neck is that the joints are still loose and not compressed. Needless to say, I'll be visiting the chiropractor a lot over the next few weeks; hopefully, I'll experience some noticeable results soon.

5. I am making peppermint patties today. The only thing left to do is coat them in chocolate, but I think I'll wait until later when the kids are here to help. Abby did want to help, and I've lost my motivation already.

6. I've also got a pot of Italian meatball zuppa on the stove for supper tonight. It is a recipe that I clipped from some magazine a while ago and have wanted to try. It looks good so far. The recipe calls for fennel which is a vegetable that I have never used before. I knew it had a licorice flavour to it, but I didn't realize how strong even the smell was until I was cutting it.

7. I've watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original) twice already this season. It is one of my most favourite of Christmas specials. How can you not love Dr. Seuss?! It fits though. Christmas will come whether I feel ready or not. The best parts of Christmas aren't found in the wrappings or activities, decorations or traditions.

8. I'm hoping to have Christmas Eve and Boxing day off work. I've offered to work New Year's in exchange, because I won't be hung over and would much rather have Christmas off! Unfortunately, there are many people who want both holidays off, which they really aren't supposed to ask for, so I guess I'll find out tomorrow when the schedule is posted.



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Simplicity

The trouble with so many of us is that we underestimate the power of simplicity. We have a tendency it seems to over complicate our lives and forget what's important and what's not. We tend to mistake movement for achievement. We tend to focus on activities instead of results. And as the pace of life continues to race along in the outside world, we forget that we have the power to control our lives regardless of what's going on outside.
- Robert Stuberg

Proof that Life Does Go On...

Abby (last drummer on the left) and some of her classmates putting on a drum performance at school.

Casey (#10) waiting for the serve in the last grade seven boys' volleyball game of the year.

The "Zamboni" at last week's hockey tournament in Rossland, BC.

Sam's first penalty ever!

Most of the team.

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Hokey Dinah!

Okay, so I sometimes say really cheesy things in exclamation even if I do my best to keep them stuck in my head when in public situations, but I had to use the exact expression that popped into my head when I took a look at my blog and realized how long it had been since the last time I posted.

Hokey Dinah!

What can I say? In my own way I've been busy, though not so busy that I don't have more than enough time to twiddle my thumbs. My boss has been most sympathetic to my "recovery" and is more than willing to adjust my schedule. I have been working 16 hours a week: two 4 hours shifts during the week and an 8 hour shift on Saturdays. The kids always keep us busy, and it seems that there is hardly a day of the week that doesn't have some activity requiring our attention. Monday is ball hockey, Tuesday is ice hockey, Wednesday is youth, Thursday is Xplore, Friday is supposed to be ball hockey, and there is always at least one hockey game on the weekend, sometimes two. I didn't even include the before/after school sports! I have come to accept that my life will be perpetually busy until the kids are grown and self-sufficient.

Still, I have had lots of time but not always the motivation or energy. I still have a headache; I'm not counting the days right this minute but it has been nearly 2 months since the accident and I've not had one minute without this blasted headache! The past week or two has been more painful than it was in the middle of October which, coincidentally, is also the last time I blogged. The back pain has also been worse this week but that could be partially due to my back being used as a pin cushion by my physiotherapist earlier in the week. He did warn me that my back would be worse for a couple of days, and he wasn't joking. Even before the acupuncture, my back still is prone to pain. I've been using my heating pad religiously.

I'm afraid that my idle time has quite simply been spent being idle. I've been reading lots, and I've begun another cycle of jigsaw puzzles. That's what happens when I visit Value Village! I don't go there often, but Casey was in need of a "cowboy" shirt for Halloween so I dragged myself across town to VV. Not only did I find a suitable shirt, but I also brought home a stack of puzzles. The only problem is that I find it difficult to read and do a puzzle at the same time. I can watch TV and read at the same time, or I can watch TV and do a puzzle at the same time, but reading and puzzles just cannot co-exist in the same moment. Multi-tasking only goes so far! So, do I work my way through my stack of books or the stack of puzzles? Sadly, I am just silly enough to attempt both.

Speaking of books...the annual library book sale is this Wednesday through Friday! I'm not working on Thursday, so guess where I'll be heading?

Okay. I love music, but I am not a musical person in terms of ability. Two years playing concert band clarinet does not make me a musician, nor does the ability to read basic notes on a scale and peck out those same basic notes on a piano. As a child, I sang with school choirs and Glee Clubs (do they even have those anymore?) and even solos! Growing up with three sisters fairly close in age meant that we were sometimes called upon to sing together for church services or family gatherings. Like many children, I spent my share of day-dreaming time lip-synching to the stereo with a makeshift microphone, but I always knew that music was never my thing.

My music listening tends to run in cycles depending upon my mood and what is going on in my life. While I enjoy a wide variety of music, my collection is rather small as I choose not to spend much money on keeping up to date on the latest hits. Besides, I know that, while I may really love one song, I may not enjoy the rest of that artist's music and don't want to spend $20 for one song. I know...an ipod would be perfect for me. Maybe someday when I have extra cash...

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a Bare Naked Ladies phase, and one song in particular was my go-to song. No sooner would the dying strains begin than my finger would push the 'rewind' button on the cd player. Thankfully, I was driving solo most of that phase so there was no one to annoy but me and I didn't care! The song was Call & Answer. I love that song, especially one part:

"so if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed-up things that you do
If you ever do, I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back
here to rebuild
Rebuild... "

It is a song that I feel somewhat guilty for liking so much. There is a hint of unforgiveness and bitterness in the song which is why I feel guilty; however, there is a lot more depth to the words. In many ways, it so mirrors a situation in my own life, which is why I have such a difficult time listening to the other songs on the cd!

But, this week has brought a different song, one that is lighter and more hopeful. I have pulled out an old Whiteheart cd, Freedom and the song is Over Me. Yes, I do still listen to my '80s music and love it!

"caught in a summer rain
but I don't run for cover
I stand out in the shower
rain running over me
I could stay for hours
and though the sky is dark
and there's a shadow on the land
the rain comforts me
it is the touch of His hand

I feel His love pouring down over me
warm healing waters that set me free
safe in the arms of eternity
held by the wonder and mystery
over me..."

Just so you know, I do not always get stuck on one song. Really, I'm not some kind of psycho.

It must be time to change the cd though...what will be next? I think I need some Margaret Becker.

It has been a little more than a month now since the accident, and I am still suffering the effects. The CT scan came back normal which is a good thing though frustrating. The headache continues, but my doctor has finally acknowledged that over-the-counter pain relievers just weren't cutting it and prescribed some Tylenol 3. Of course, they make me drowsy most of the time, so I'm really limited as to when I can take them...lot of good that does!

My mid and lower back is absolutely killing me today. I had physio yesterday and he was quite heavy handed on that area, even putting me on the "rack". He warned me to expect extra stiffness and pain in that area, and he wasn't joking.

A small blessing...the headache hasn't been as strong today as it has been for the past week or two. My head has hurt for so long that I'm not sure what a pain-free head feels like. Bliss, I'm sure.

The ICBC meeting went well, I suppose. Better than I had anticipated. I gave my statement and answered a million questions, feeling like a specimen under glass. She gave me the ICBC spiel about how normal my suffering is, how many people make the mistake of not going back to work soon enough after an accident, how lots of people live and work with aches and pains, and expressed the opinion that we'd settle everything nice and tidy next week. Yeah.

I'm sure my suffering is normal. Typical. I'm certainly not enjoying not working (at least not too much), but there are no "easy" tasks for me to do at work to make things easier on myself, despite what the adjuster said to that effect. As for settling, I don't particularly want to drag it out and I'm not seeking to strike it rich on this claim, but I also do not want to settle anything so long as I am still having pain and issues. If everyone is telling me that the headaches can last for months, then I certainly don't want to settle in October if I might still be having pain in February!

I am doing more and getting up and out more, too, although I've paid the price later in the day with a lot of back pain. So, I try to make my plans for the morning and leave at least part of the afternoon for napping and the application of heat while laying down.

4 Weeks

So, I saw my doctor on Monday after another virtually sleepless night. I like my doctor. Really, I do, but he also frustrates me as he often seems reluctant to delve deeper than the surface and always seems in a hurry and almost patronizing. It is probably more my perception and insecurities than his actual care and attention, but it is a big part of why I avoid going to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. My imagination can run wild and I make the effort to explore and research symptoms and problems on my own; however, I am not a hypochondriac! If I go to the doctor with a problem, it is something that is truly a problem for me. I will suffer through a lot and have a fairly high pain threshold, but I do have my limits.

I was supposed to work on Monday before my doctor's appointment, but I phoned in sick around 5:00am because I hadn't yet fallen asleep! After that I managed to sleep until 7:00am when it was time to rouse the kids for school. Once they were out the door at 8am, I tried to fall back asleep but was only able to squeak out another hour of sleep. My headache was quite painful that day (and has been more painful more often lately).

Kane came with me to my appointment to be a stronger, more firm voice as I was desperately hoping that the doctor would recommend more time off work. I am so glad that Kane did come with me, otherwise I might not have been given that recommendation and I would have bawled. I've gone to work because I was scheduled, but it was nothing short of torture. The doctor did finally tell me to take another two weeks off, but I could tell that he was reluctant. He gave me another prescription for a muscle relaxant which should also help me sleep, and he told me that I am depressed because I got a little teary while explaining how miserable I am feeling.

Now, I appreciate that I might be somewhat depressed. After all, I was in an accident through no fault of my own. I've had a headache every single minute since impact and drugs aren't easing that at all. Since I've been back to work, I have had back pain to the point that I need the counter to keep me upright, and when I am done work I basically collapse on the futon for the rest of the day. I've begun having trouble sleeping because of the pain and pressure in my head. I'm not a teenager anymore and the thought of functioning through a busy day on only a couple hours of sleep is unappealing and unreasonable for someone in the process of "recovering". There has been the added stress of finding a new vehicle, dealing with ICBC, scheduling all my new appointments into an already busy life, guilt over letting my boss down, guilt over not feeling up to doing more around my own home, guilt over feeling as crappy as I do when I don't look injured, and then anxiety because my doctor doesn't seem to give real weight to how I am feeling. Is there a reason for me to be depressed? Absolutely! Am I? Maybe, but I resent the judgement based on something like a build-up of tears in such a situation. It doesn't take much for me to tear up. A sappy commercial on TV, a sad moment in a book, a heartwarming moment in a movie or TV show, talking about my weaknesses...all those things will bring tears to my eyes! Always have. Perhaps I have been depressed for my entire life?!

If I am truly depressed then explain it to me based on my pain and recent circumstances, but do not make that diagnosis based on a few tears that weren't even shed until you said I was depressed.

At least he ordered a CT scan which I am having done this afternoon. It might show nothing, but then again, it might show something which would explain the persistent headache.

3 Weeks Plus

I suppose it has been a while since I last posted here. To be honest, I haven't been up to it or up to much of anything really. I've managed to drag my carcass to work for my scheduled shifts, manipulated my body through the required motions to get the job done and dragged my carcass back home at the end of my shift, exhausted and in much pain. Within an hour at work my back is screaming in pain and I find myself leaning heavily on the counter at every opportunity. Through it all is the never-ending headache which refuses to be tamed by Advil, Tylenol, or even something a little stronger.

One co-worker is constantly asking if I'm okay and recognizes my little white lies when I tell her that I'm doing okay. Kane has been nagging me, telling me that I shouldn't be going to work, and hounding me about the hours I'm working. He is concerned and probably right. I know it, but it isn't so easy for me to throw in the towel and show weakness. I don't want to let anyone down. It is a busy time at work. We're busy but understaffed, so I feel guilty about being unable to perform the way I want to and the way I am needed to perform. I feel guilty about needing and wanting time off work to fully recover. The guilt is fuelled by the fact that I don't look injured. It wasn't until I brought photos of my broken van into work that some of my co-workers realized just how devastating the impact was! But, I am realizing that, as much as I am needed at work, my health has to come first and I truly am not up to working the hours that I am being given.
It doesn't matter if I work four hours or eight, when I am done work I spend the rest of the night laying on the futon with ice and a heating pad. In pain and completely wiped out.

I have a doctor's appointment after work on Monday, and I am going to see what he will say about taking more time off work. Massage has been lovely, most of the time, but I haven't noticed any difference. The physiotherapist has exhausted all his means of manipulating a headache and struck out with each one. He even resorted to acupuncture on my last visit which was a first for me. He's at a loss, unable to explain why I have this constant headache and puzzled as to why he can't do anything to affect it for good or bad. It's been a little more than three weeks now.

I've also begun having difficulties sleeping at night. I am tired, exhausted and ready for nap all the time, but the headache pain and now pressure in my head when I am laying down keeps me wide awake for hours. Tuesday night was the worst keeping me awake until after 4:00am! My alarm rang at 7:00am so that I could get the kids up and ready for school. I had to be up at 5:45 this morning for work, but I laid in bed unable to sleep until after midnight. The pressure is like sharp fingers pushing through my skull in the middle of my forehead and above my ears. Aaargh!

In happier news, we now have a "new" van. It is a 1996 Ford Windstar mini-van. The exterior is green, the interior a beige kind of colour. It seats seven with captain's chairs in the middle, and it has a CD player! It is clean and has been well maintained with an impeccable folder full of records and receipts! It even came with a set of new winter tires on rims. We picked it up last Monday night. The Aerostar had a truck chassis which the Windstar does not have, so it feels and drives very differently, but we're liking it.

It looks like we will continue to be a busy family. Everything is starting up again and plates are rapidly filling up.

Sam has had two hockey evaluation times already with another one tomorrow afternoon. It's a little disappointing to have learned that many of the players from his team last year will be playing rep this year, but all we are hoping for is a decent coach. Last year's team was amazing and I don't think that year will ever be replicated again; however, I am extremely glad that Sam had the opportunity to play with such great kids and to be taught by an amazing set of coaches. Last year was like a fairy-tale year for him. Hopefully, this year will be a good one, too.

Sam is also hoping to play ball hockey on Friday nights but that will depend upon his hockey schedule. He is also doing cross-country running at school, although he missed the first race because his knee has been giving him some trouble. Growing pains maybe? He took part in the second race but found it harder than he expected. Of course, being in grade 9 now, he also has to run nearly twice the distance!

Casey is also doing ball hockey (Monday nights) and cross-country running. He did very well in the first race with a time of 18:53 finishing in sixth place for grade 7 boys and about 19th overall. The distance was roughly 4km. I don't know his results for the second race, but he seems to be enjoying everything and finding many reasons to gloat over his brother. Casey has also begun volleyball at school which means fitting after school practices/games in with cross-country running practices/races and ball hockey and youth group!

Both boys are in junior high youth group this year which happens on Wednesday evenings for the most part.

Abby isn't as involved as the boys are which is perfectly fine by me, but she makes up for it in her social life. She is involved in Xplore at church which is a music/drama/crafts program. She spends a lot of time on the phone or playing with her friends from school.

Kane has been working on the renovations as often as he can. Most of the drywall has been installed, taped, mudded and sanded. I believe that he is ready to start painting. There is still a bit of electrical work to be done and the plumbing and venting also. Little by little, things are getting done.

I have been working, sleeping, applying ice and/or heat, eating ibuprofren like candy, reading, watching TV, tossing and turning, running to appointments, and basically doing as little as possible. What I haven't been doing is: scrapbooking, finishing off my big "to-do" list that I never did quite finish before the accident, washing dishes, scrubbing the tub, yard work, jogging, or any activity which requires a lot of effort or flexibility.

And I know that it is time to wrap this post up because my fingers keep hitting the wrong keys and I can't ignore them but have to go back and fix everything that I can, or at least the stuff that I can "remember" as being wrong.

So this will be disjointed and kind of random but such are the paths of my life these days...

1. Our van has officially been written off by ICBC. We kind of expected that and weren't too surprised with what they offered us, but we're hoping to get a little bit more.
2. I have mixed feelings about the loss of our van. It is exciting to get something *new*, but finding a vehicle that fits our needs and our budget is stressful and rather a hassle. Our van was in good shape and we had no plans to replace it in the near future. Instead, it has been ripped from our lives and we never really got to say good-bye. Silly, I know.
3. Kane and I spent a large portion of today searching for vans. We struck out at all the used car dealerships but found a promising van via the classified ads. We both really like this van even though it is a little more than what ICBC is offering at this point, but we could be prepared to come up with the difference. We're planning on taking this van to a mechanic for an inspection on Monday, but it is in far better condition than most of the others we saw today and the price is fantastic for the year and condition. I'm trying not to get too excited, but I am hopeful.
4. I used the last of my prescription anti-inflammatories this morning. :o( I don't know why I feel kind of bummed about it; I generally prefer to avoid taking medications and the anti-inflammatory didn't even begin to touch my headache. But, my neck is feeling better every day!
5. I haven't been sleeping well at night since Tuesday. The massage therapist said I should sleep on my back rather than my side because of muscle stiffness and limited range of motion in my shoulder, particularly the right one which is the side that I favour. There is a reason that I sleep on my side and that is because it is the way that I sleep the best! I cannot fall asleep on my back and, when I wind up on my back during the night, I wake up with a sore lower back. Still, I've been trying to listen and be obedient but I need more sleep!
6. I'm still napping every day which is quite out of character for me, but I guess that's what happens after being in an accident and having your head shaken rather than stirred. What will I do when I return to work on Wednesday? I won't have time for anymore naps...
7. All that housework and extra cleaning I did before the accident has fallen into a state of chaos. What would this family do if I were seriously hurt? Kane's made an effort but still...you'd never know that I did have the house fairly clean and organized. So frustrating.
8. Everything seems to be starting up this coming week. Casey has ball hockey. Sam and Casey have cross-country running practices and their first race. Abby has her church music program. Youth group must be starting soon, maybe this week...good thing we're going to church tomorrow! We heard that hockey evaluations should be happening this weekend which means Sam needs to see whether his gear still fits. Yikes! There's a parent meeting at the school regarding the laptop program. Casey has a dentist appointment to make up for the one we missed when we were rear-ended. I have a doctor's appointment and three massage appointments. I work Wednesday through Saturday. We have to take care of inspecting this potential van and dealing with ICBC. And I will probably want nothing more than to crawl into bed with some extra strength ibuprofen.
9. I have an AGM report newsletter to prepare for our baseball association, but I've only received one submission so far and the deadline was supposed to be yesterday. Another thing on my plate...
10. School fees are ridiculously expensive! Just for the boys, including 2 yearbooks and a somewhat mandatory laptop backpack, I paid $215 and still had to buy school supplies and gym shoes! I paid $37 for Abby's fees and that included almost all of her supplies!
11. There is very little worth watching on TV on weekdays. I don't watch soap operas, and I dislike most game shows. I enjoy some cooking shows and some shows on HGTV, but those shows tend to repeat through the day. None of the interesting sports are on in the morning or early afternoon, and half the movies are ones I've seen a million times or have no interest in seeing. When you spend most of your day laying on the sofa for a week, it would be nice to find something exciting to watch. I've done a lot of reading but can only do so much of that.
12. The boys are going golfing tomorrow with grandma and grandpa. Sam thinks that he will own the course.
13. We went to watch the Rockets exhibition game tonight on the spur of the moment. Sam was already going with a friend. We got great seats and enjoyed the evening.

Crash

Casey and I were headed to the dentist around 4:40pm on Thursday, September 6. He had an appointment for 5pm. We were heading south on Glenmore Drive. Immediately after crossing the Glenmore/Bernard/Spall intersection, we had to stop behind the backed up rush hour traffic. There hadn't been any vehicle directly behind me while I had been driving. We stopped and I soon noticed a red truck pulling a trailer speeding toward me in my rear view mirror. I knew in a heartbeat that we were going to be hit, and boy were we hit!



I don't believe the other driver had enough time to slow down and, in my opinion, he didn't. We were hit hard and pushed into the vehicle in front of us. I heard the crunch of metal and the shatter of glass and in an instant my head and neck were hurting. Casey was freaked out, crying and also complaining about his head. I didn't cry right away. Despite my uncontrollable shaking, I managed to drive the van out of the way of traffic and find my license and registration for the police officer who was on the scene immediately. He was the car in front of the car I was pushed into.
There wasn't any visible damage that I could see to the car in front of me; however, I did lose my front license plate and managed to lose all my anti-freeze making the van undriveable. Casey calmed down quickly enough, but I would be shaking for quite some time. It took a while before I even noticed all the damage to my van. The captain's seat directly behind mine was lying askew ripped from its' anchor. Both front seats were permanently reclined. I didn't notice some damage until Kane and I went to the tow yard on Saturday.

We're still waiting to hear from ICBC, but we expect the van to be written off. The driver's side has a lot of buckling all the way up to my door. The rear hatch has tears in several places as well as the dents. The radiator, the seats, the rear window, the bumpers...it was rather surreal to walk around the van at the yard, touching the dents and seeing the damage after the adrenaline and emotion had drained away.

Casey seems to be fine. He repeatedly tells me that he's perfectly okay, but once in a while he will admit to having a slight headache. He's a kid though and much too busy to be slowed down. I'm doing okay considering how hard we must have been hit. Strangely, the airbag didn't go off and we didn't hit our heads on the dashboard. My neck is still stiff and sore, but I am finding it easier to lift my head up from the pillow now. I couldn't do that Thursday night or even Friday. My head still hurts, especially when I am in a vertical position rather than horizontal. I went with Kane to the doctor on Saturday. He had to get his stitches removed and he wanted me to be looked at again. The doctor I saw Thursday night was fine but wasn't willing to commit to drugs or time off work. He gave me the option to come back in a day or two if I needed those things which was nice but frustrating. We saw a different doctor on Saturday and he was much better. I've seen him before and found him to be more thorough than some of the other doctors at our clinic. Neither doctor believes that I have any pinched nerves which is good. However, this doctor did prescribe me an anti-flammatory and a muscle relaxant and gave me a referral for massage and a note excusing me from work up to and including the 17th. He also had me book an appointment for follow-up on the 17th.

Basically, I think that I could go to work and carry on with life as if everything was normal, but I know that I would feel like crap by the end of the day. My headache has increased in the few minutes that I've been sitting here typing this blog, and it will be time for me to crawl back into my nest on the futon. I've also been sleeping a lot, even without the muscle relaxant. It's all for the best, I'm sure.

So, we play the waiting game now. What will ICBC say about the van? If they write it off, how much will they offer us?




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Sunday

Edited on Monday

Yeah, it's another boring housework post, but I need to update my progress if even just to keep me motivated.

-clean linen closet (done)
-dust living room (done), dining room (done), master bedroom, bathroom (done), computer desk (done), framed photos (done)/art on the walls (done)
-clean inside the fridge
-clean outside of fridge, top to bottom (done)
-wash the shower curtain (done)
-mop kitchen, hall, stairs, bathroom, and all three bedrooms
-clean the tub and all the bathroom tiles (done)
-wash light fixtures in all rooms (dining room done)
-wash fingerprints off of walls and door jambs in all rooms
-clean all the windows (done)
-wash the futon cover (done)
-mend my quilts
-if I get that mending done, wash the quilts
-re-organize/purge bookshelves (done)
-wipe out inside of all kitchen and bathroom cupboards (done half of the kitchen)
-wash cupboard fronts in bathroom and kitchen
-clean, purge and organize kitchen (done) & bathroom drawers (done)
-dust cobwebs from all corners of ceilings (done)
-scrub bathroom ceiling with bleach to kill/remove mould
-take glass jars to recycling depot
-take empty beverage containers to bottle depot
-organize/purge storage room under the stairs
-clean, purge and sort laundry room cupboards
-clean outside of washer and dryer
-sort and organize pantry (done)
-pack summer clothes
-purge Abby's clothes (done)
-clean the carpet

I even had enough time today to bake cookies. I just finished dusting the living/dining room, and it is nearly 9:00pm. Normally, I do not do housework at this time of night, but I am motivated by the length of my 'to-do' list and the limited number of days to cross those items off.

Saturday

Kane hit his head on a hinge in his work van this morning while I was at work. Apparently, there was a lot of blood! He ended up with six or seven stitches.

I'm off work now until next Saturday! Yeah!

The kids are making tacos for supper tonight. I informed them last week that they are responsible for supper when I work on Saturdays from now on. Normally, Kane will share that responsibility with them, but he might be in a bit of pain by that time today.

I no longer need to wake up between 5-6am except for Saturdays! :o)

I'm tired.

Spring Cleaning Catch-up

Two more days of "work" work before I have six days off! Yeah! The only thing is that I am planning on doing a lot of work around the house in that time. I'm playing catch-up on my 'spring cleaning'. My list is long, but I've already begun chipping away at it, and I am hopeful. Here's my list so far (I am adding to it as stuff pops into my head):

-clean linen closet (done)
-dust living room, dining room, master bedroom, bathroom, computer desk (done), framed photos/art on the walls
-clean inside the fridge
-clean outside of fridge, top to bottom (done)
-wash the shower curtain
-mop kitchen, hall, stairs, bathroom, and all three bedrooms
-clean the tub and all the bathroom tiles
-wash light fixtures in all rooms
-wash fingerprints off of walls and door jambs in all rooms
-clean all the windows
-wash the futon cover
-mend my quilts
-if I get that mending done, wash the quilts
-re-organize/purge bookshelves
-wipe out inside of all kitchen and bathroom cupboards
-wash cupboard fronts in bathroom and kitchen
-clean, purge and organize kitchen & bathroom drawers
-dust cobwebs from all corners of ceilings (done)
-scrub bathroom ceiling with bleach to kill/remove mould
-take glass jars to recycling depot
-take empty beverage containers to bottle depot
-organize/purge storage room under the stairs
-clean, purge and sort laundry room cupboards
-clean outside of washer and dryer
-sort and organize pantry (done)
-pack summer clothes
-purge Abby's clothes
-clean the carpet

I've also done a couple of the kitchen drawers and one cupboard already. I find it easy to do that sort of thing when putting away dishes or groceries; there's just a lot of cupboards and drawers! The list is daunting and will most likely grow before it is completed, but I can't wait to get it done. The biggest challenge will be staying motivated next week when I have all that free time. Mind you, that free time is somewhat broken up into chunks. The kids only have a half day of school on Tuesday, I have a meeting at 1pm on Wednesday, and I'm hoping to go for coffee with a friend. Still lots of time and it helps that I've already begun tackling tasks.

Next week, the music will be blaring and I'll be working up a sweat doing housework. It's time to pull out The Temptations greatest hits! For some reason beyond comprehension, I keep turning to the Temptations whenever I am doing a big work project around the house. That's what got me through painting the hall and living room a couple of years ago. But who knows...Abby's ABBA cd might do the trick, too. Or both...I have room for five cds in my stereo...hmmm.

I am looking forward to September and the return to school and regular routine. One more week! I have three more shifts this week; thankfully they are all 7-2 or 3pm, so I can sleep in until at least 6:15! ha ha. Then, I have six days off. Bliss.

The only thing is that I am hoping/planning on doing a lot of cleaning and organizing around the house that week. The kids will be at school and I'll be home getting everything in order after the chaos of baseball season and the rest of summer. I've already started making up my checklist, (I'm big on lists!) and I even started on the linen closet yesterday afternoon. Hopefully I get everything finished without running out of steam or time.

I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll just sleep that entire week...or not. I know I'll feel much better when my house is clean and organized. The older I get the more I hate clutter! We aren't big consumers. We do lots of grocery shopping, but we really don't buy a lot of things and clothes yet we always seem to have more stuff than we need. How does that happen?! Even though I am continuously purging, throwing away junk and sending goods to Big Brothers, we always have more.

I Survived!

The one thing that I didn't want to happen did happen, but I still managed to have a good day at work.

Today was the day that I shouldered a lot more responsibility and power than I've ever had at this job before. The owners were off to Seattle early this morning and both managers were out of town, leaving myself and a junior supervisor to run the show; the first time "solo" for both of us. We had a good group of staff on and things were going smoothly despite being busy until about 10:30am.

Drive-thru was very busy and lined up when the till froze up! It took a half hour of scrambling and phone calls to Panasonic before we finally had the till working. Oh the joy! We ran into till problems again shortly before noon which required another phone call to Panasonic to fix. Of all the things that could go wrong, till problems were the most intimidating and troublesome. It was hectic and crazy for a while there, but I think we did a decent job of serving the customers and working through the problem until it was resolved. For that I am incredibly glad.

It was really a good day even though we had those problems. I enjoyed myself and had a good time at work. We even managed to keep up with our cleaning and stocking tasks and with breaks! However, I feel wiped out. My feet are throbbing, my back is sore, and my head hurts from the new, super-tight headsets, but I'm smiling.

I'm going out for dinner tonight and it won't cost us a thing. Kane has a generous gift certificate for a brand new restaurant. We're taking Sam along with us. Surprisingly, Sam seems eager to join mom and dad for a fancy dinner even though he is incredibly picky. I remember being taken out to a fancy restaurant with my parents for my sixteenth birthday. In general, it was a good memory except that they "made" me eat a stuffed mushroom cap which still sends shivers up and down my spine. I abhor mushrooms. There are things that I don't really care for but I will eat them anyway, but mushrooms are not even close to fitting in that category. I've had to eat mushrooms and I gag every single time. This is why I am a little lenient with my kids when I know that they absolutely do not like a particular item. For Sam, that would be scalloped potatoes. I do make them eat some things because not caring for them isn't enough, but I respect their intense dislikes. I have mine so they can have theirs.

But first, I need to shower and have a nap in whichever order I can take it.

15 Years

Tomorrow is my 15th wedding anniversary!

I am amazed, not that we've made it this far but that we've really been married that long! It doesn't quite seem possible, and I'm certainly not old enough to have lost that newlywed blush. Am I? Maybe so.

Despite his flaws and my own, I love my husband. It is easy to find reasons to grumble and complain about his power naps, his shoes under the computer desk, his snoring, his keys locked in the van...again, but how much sweeter is it to think upon all the things that I love about my husband!

I love holding his hand when we are walking. I love how he opens the door for me and pushes me out the door so that I can have some 'me' time. He might roll his eyes and moan, but he will watch a 'girlie' movie with me and enjoy it. He makes the best breakfast: hashbrowns, scrambled eggs or an omelet, bacon or sausage. Being someone who detests washing dishes, I am quite appreciative every time Kane washes dishes for me. He's a great dad who loves his kids and loves spending time with them. He's a hard worker. He listens to me ramble. (Betcha didn't know I could ramble on and on!) He makes me laugh even though I also often roll my eyes at the bad humour. I love how sappy he can be. I love how he loves me even when I'm not sure I love myself.

Tomorrow is my only day off for the rest of this week. We're going out for dinner Saturday night, so tomorrow I am making a rib roast with mashed potatoes, gravy and some as yet undetermined veggies.

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R.I.P.

I came home from work this afternoon to the news that Casey's hamster, Speedy had died. Time of death is undetermined. It could have been during the night or first thing in the morning before Casey woke up at 10:30! We can't quite pin down just how long Speedy has been part of our household, but we think that it must be close to three years. He had a good life!

Casey teared up as he showed me Speedy laid out in an empty Kleenex box on the dining room table. To my surprise, he had already emptied and cleaned out the cage! Casey and Abby had also made a "tombstone" out of cardboard and paper. It read:

Will never

forget

SPEEDY

loved by everyone

he was

the best

You

were

an

awesome

hamster

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Behind the Mask

I might be going out on a limb here, but I need to spill a little of what I am actually feeling rather than just rambling on about what I'm doing. Being busy is a given and it is much easier to talk about things than feelings, but if I want to be honest with myself and real to others then I need to be able to cast aside the cardboard masks from time to time.

Don't worry! In general, I am doing just fine. Yes, the carpal tunnel is flaring up, and Abby is sure she found a couple of grey hairs on my head last week, but life is basically good. Casey still has more attitude than common sense at times, but I wouldn't trade him for anyone.

I've lost a friendship that meant so much to me for a very long time. The past couple of years have been awful and very difficult. Maybe you already knew that, or maybe you didn't. Being vulnerable isn't a state I like to be in and so I'd much rather bite my tongue, cry into my pillow, and put on a brave face than let anyone see the storm raging inside of me. My paper journal has nearly been consumed by this storm, but this blog has been rather silent on that front. Not only am I afraid of showing the faltering me, but I have also been hesitant to say anything here for fear of hurting or offending this friend. In some ways that seems kind of silly to me now, but I hate conflict. But then again, perhaps the past two years would be completely different if I said nothing, done nothing but simply gone with the flow and behaved exactly as I was expected to behave. Or maybe not.

I am mourning a friendship lost, and I have been discovering that such grief does not come with an expiration date. Just when I think that my tears have dried up and the wounds have healed, something happens and I hurt just as much as I did at the beginning. Sometimes I hurt even more. This friend wasn't someone that I saw once in a while, blowing in and out of each other's lives. She was one of my bestest friends, closer to me than any of my sisters ever could be.

There is a lot that could be said about the last couple of years and how we arrived at this place, but it doesn't need to be said here. To make a long, complicated story incredibly short, she pulled away while steadily pushing me away. It was a gradual process which in some ways was probably more difficult to deal with than an outright amputation. Eventually, I realized that I needed to take a step back for my own good. It seems weird to say that I took a step back from a relationship where I was being pushed out, but I guess I simply realized that I had to physically let the relationship go. And so I have, I think. Most of the time, I feel incredible peace with that decision, but obviously I still have some emotional tethers or I wouldn't still be grieving. Would I? See, I still can't see this all clearly. It is a mess, a tangled, snarled and ugly mess. At least that is how I see and feel it.

One of the most tender areas is the knowledge, or at least the appearance that all this turmoil and strain is only being felt on my end. There have been so many instances which have given me reason to believe that this friend doesn't view this estrangement the same way. It confuses me, in all honesty. I don't know what to think. Is she truly blind to what has transpired over the past two years? Or does she simply not care? Is she simply living with her head in the clouds trying to sweep any issues under the carpet? I wish I knew.

In May, I worked up enough courage to call her, to ask her a "why" question. It seemed to take her by surprise. I had hoped and prayed that our brief conversation would have been enough to spark something, anything within her. I didn't expect a complete reversal of the past two years, but I hoped that someone who said she was glad that I had told her how I felt would be sincere enough to take that knowledge and do something with it.

That phone call was made because I had to make another difficult decision concerning this friend. Much to my surprise, I had been invited to a momentous occasion in her life. Despite how things turned out with the phone call, I had originally decided that I would attend, but I didn't. Baseball is my excuse and I fully recognize it as an excuse. I think I'm entitled to an excuse once in a while. However, I did mail a letter explaining my non-appearance and closed by putting the ball once again in her court. I honestly didn't expect a response, but I guess in a way I did.

A few weeks ago, while at the ballpark, this friend walked right past me, only inches away from my face, without so much as a turn of the head, a hello, or even a 'pardon me'. I was in the midst of Abby's team waiting for some final instructions, surrounded by strangers and nobody saw me take that mortal blow. I didn't even have time or space to allow myself to feel anything but numbness...until later. And yet, she sent out two bulk generic emails within the last couple of weeks and I was included in those mailings. I'm not a part of her life anymore and haven't been for at least a year. So then how should I feel when these little friend-like gestures are casually tossed my way? Do they even mean anything when there isn't a relationship behind them anymore? Really, they feel like tiny arrows piercing my skin and drawing blood or a slap in the face, and I am weary of walking wounded.

Where this post is going I don't really know. I just had to say something, hoping that in the telling there could be found some clarity. It's bad enough carrying all this stress and emotional baggage from this situation, but I've also got a boatload of self-doubt dragging behind me. Did I make enough of an effort? Did I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing? Should I have taken that step back?

So yeah, I feel rather beat up and discarded. Thankfully, life is far too busy for me to be utterly consumed by this situation. I barely have the energy or motivation to think about what to make for supper let alone contemplate the intricacies of a failed relationship. At least too much. Obviously I do think about it. I really can't avoid it and I'm not sure that I would want to. Avoiding issues doesn't make them disappear; it just gives them room to grow and tangle.

I'll be okay. Really. Some things just hurt for a long, long time.

It is Finished!

After 102 days and more than 400 hours of baseball, I am quite happy to say that baseball season is over. All that's left to do is hand in uniforms and equipment and clean out the van from the weekend.

Casey's team didn't do so well at their Provincials finishing 0-4. Kane has said that the team won "half" their games; unfortunately, they only won half of each game. There were a few moments of glory and a whole lot of fizzle. Casey played well and picked up his game, or so I have been told. I wasn't there to see it. He did earn an MVP award though and had a good time. Despite their string of losses, the team had a great time and would have liked to keep the season going, which is a good thing, I guess. What a difference from Casey's all-star team last year compared to this team! Last year, everyone couldn't wait for the season to end. There was no team unity, no joy, and no success. This year's team has been great even if they didn't perform well at Provincials. Good kids with good parents and mostly good attitudes. We did well at our own tournament and at Zones. It would be awesome to have this group of kids together on the same team again next year, but I know that is nothing more than wishful thinking.

Kane was glad that he decided to take Abby along with him to Provincials. She was the team's bat-girl; not the kind that wears a cape and fights crime but the kind that wears a baseball uniform and collects baseball bats off the field. She also had fun playing at the campground with some of the siblings. Everyone was eaten alive by mosquitoes and bug spray was hard to find in the local stores!

Sam and I had a long, busy, hot, but quiet weekend. We had long hours at the ballpark as Sam was umping and I did some scorekeeping. We were at the ballpark for 10+ hours on Friday, about 8 hours on Saturday and another 8 hours yesterday. Sam made himself $200 and was treated to free food and drink at the concession. In the evenings, we simply hung out at home watching TV or movies, staying up late and not much else. We watched Bladerunner, and I watched half of the Godfather until I was no longer able to focus. Mansfield Park was on TV late one night, and quite enjoying that movie, I tried to stay up to watch it. I made it until 11:30pm, but there was still another hour left to go and I could barely keep my eyes open. Last night, I watched In Her Shoes which I've been wanting to watch for a long time. Loved it and knew that I would. I quite enjoyed the book and the movie was more than acceptable for an adaptation. Kane watched 300 last night, but I couldn't get into that after a weekend of baseball. He liked it though.

I have to work early tomorrow morning. Blech. I'm going out to spend time with my girlfriends tonight and tomorrow night is a staff party. I might be catatonic by then. I feel like a zombie already. My left eyelid is puffy from the weekend. I don't know what the problem is, but frequently when I am at the ballpark for an extended time, my eye(s) tear constantly. My body feels weighted, my eyelids seem unable to open more than halfway, and a nap would not be wasted. I fear that I am on the verge of getting sick. I have noticed a dryness and scratchiness in my throat for the past day or two. It wouldn't surprise me really. Undoubtedly, I am run down and run over!

But baseball is over! Done. Finished. No more. At least until April 2008 but that is many months from now. In the meantime, I can actually cook meals that don't need to be eaten on the run or prepared and consumed by mid-afternoon. There will be no need to rush out the door after consuming said meals. The renovations can progress and yardwork can be done. I can return Abby's overdue magazine which was just found last night! Housework can be caught up on; the deep cleaning kind of stuff that hasn't been done for the past four months! I can breathe. Maybe we'll even make it to the beach once this summer...

Thirteen Things about my grandpa's farm As I had to be up by 5:45am today, I tried to go to sleep last night at a reasonable time. Seldom am I successful at finding sleep when I most desperately need it, especially when I am facing such an early start to the next day. While I tried to fall asleep, I let my mind wander across snapshots of memories of my grandpa's farm. 1. The farm was located near Shellbrook, Saskatchewan which, if I'm not mistaken, is somewhere near Prince Albert. Regardless, it was a long drive from our home in Estevan. I don't know how long my grandparents operated the farm, but my memories take place when I was about five or six years old, maybe a little younger or older. 2. My sister, Colleen licked the rear bumper of our car during one winter visit and found her tongue stuck. The two of us had matching blue winter jackets. Never have I entertained the idea of licking cold metal... 3. Making mud pies with my sister. 4. Jumping off the retaining wall pretending to be Wonder Woman while Colleen was 'Bamie Bummers', aka Jamie Summers, the bionic woman. 5. Coming back to the farm after church to find the pigs running loose having escaped their pen. 6. Christmas 1977. I was five years old and my grandpa gave me a plush puppy with a radio in his belly. I still have the puppy less the long-discarded radio. I named him Fritz after our dog who was sired by Happy, my grandpa's dog. 7. Colleen and I have a water fight using empty dish soap bottles and being bitten by horseflies. 8. Riding my brand new banana seat, 3 speed bike down the steep driveway. I loved that bike. 9. Mixing up a strange brew of soap, shampoo, toothpaste and shaving cream in the bathroom sink and being caught by my grandma. Colleen and I had just recently been dropped off for a summer visit; I think I was missing my mom and dad. I remember running out to the dirt road and hoping that they would come back. 10. Sitting around the table with my family and my aunt and uncle listening to the "grown-up" conversation. My aunt is 11 years older than me and my uncle is 6 or 7 years older than me, I think. My uncle was talking about 'freshies' and I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Kool-aid?! Now I know that he was talking about freshman... 11. The combines, the wheat fields, driving in my grandpa's truck through the tall wheat, and going to the grain elevator. My sister and I standing in shorts and t-shirts amongst the wheat. Colleen was holding onto a stuffed skunk. 12. At one point, my grandparents build a new farmhouse not too far from the old one. I remember the new one being built; I'm sure my dad probably did a lot of the work. Once the new house was finished, Colleen and I spent some time playing in the old, empty house, except that it wasn't completely empty. We found a few odds and ends, things like old chequebooks and such. 13. During one visit, my grandpa bought two small stuffed animals. One for me and one for Colleen. One was a monkey, the other a bear. He held them both behind his back and we had to choose a hand. The monkey was mine, and I was glad. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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And they're off...

They're gone, and Sam and I are home. Alone.

Sam woke up this morning feeling better. Part of me was hoping to call in sick for work tomorrow, but I'm glad that he is back to normal.

It was a crazy morning. Maggie killed a mouse sometime last night, early this morning. I didn't hear her, but she woke Kane up around 5:30am meowing over her trophy. I was dragged from my sleep at 6:40am by the doorbell. The first ring woke me up instantly, but I wasn't sure that I had actually heard the doorbell. I took a glance at the clock, saw the time and figured that there wouldn't be anyone at my door at that time of morning. Also, Kane wasn't in bed, so I thought that he could take care of anyone that was that insane. No sooner had I settled back into bed than the doorbell rang again. By the time I got to the door, I could hear Kane calling outside Abby's window. Somehow, he went to Tim Horton's this morning and locked himself out of the house; I don't think I even want to know how that was possible! I let him in. He showed me the mouse that he had "bagged", and I went back to bed until my alarm rang at 8:00.

Kane was off to do a bit of work by then. I went to IGA for the last few items I needed to pick up. The kids cleaned out the van while I finished packing up clothes, camping gear, and baseball equipment. I loaded up everything but the cooler, sleeping bags, and such. I filled the washer fluid, brake fluid, and checked the oil. Said my good-byes to Casey and Abby and tried not to cry. I think I succeeded. Any leakage could be attributed to allergies; that's my story...

Sam and I left for the dentist at noon. Kane and the other two kids were going to leave between 1-1:30, so they were gone by the time we got home.

I'm left to drive in our "old" van, the one that has been demoted for Kane's usage rather than family usage. The brakes rumble and shake. A headlight is burned out. There is an annoying beep from some oil sensor thingamajig. The light which illuminates the gas gauge is burned out, so you can only tell how much fuel you have in bright sunlight. As Sam and I drove to the dentist, I discovered that there was no windshield fluid in his van and the signal lights weren't flashing! Lovely.

Intelligent and motivated girl that I am, I stopped at Canadian Tire after we were finished at the dentist. In the parking lot, I opened up the fuse box, located the signal light fuse and pulled it out. After waiting five minutes in line at the automotive desk, I was "helped" by not so helpful clerk. Fine. I prefer to do things myself anyway. As we were walking down an aisle to leave, I saw a matching fuse, and right beside it, new signal light things. I don't know what it is called, but I recognize it from the last time we had to replace something more significant for the signal lights. Both items were relatively inexpensive, so I purchased both, along with some windshield washer fluid. Back in the parking lot, I opened the new fuse and popped it in; it worked! I'd try to replace the headlight, but I think we had some difficulty removing the cover from that one before...the last time I tried to replace a headlight, in fact. I don't anticipate doing any night driving this weekend, so I'm not panicking.

I am tired and a little bored. There is much that could be done. If I wasn't so tired, I would rant about that stupid mouse in my house but that might be better saved for another day. At least our cat is doing her job...

Update

It is nearly midnight. I am tired. My baby toe hurts because I stubbed it on the cooler as we were leaving for baseball practice. My thumb hurts because I jammed it hard against a metal post while prepping the ball field. My nose is stuffy from the mystery allergy that frequently plagues me at the ballpark, but at least my eye isn't tearing anymore. I came home to find Sam lying on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, looking terrible. When I got home from work, he said he had a headache but wouldn't take anything for it. Tonight, his head was still hurting and he was burning up. It took some coaxing and about fifteen minutes, but he finally got some Motrin into his system and went to bed without any hassle. I sure hope he's feeling better by Friday! They desperately need him to ump this weekend.

I went grocery shopping after baseball practice. I can't say that I've ever been to Superstore at 9:00pm; it was kind of nice. There were no line-ups at the check-outs, and if I wasn't in such a rush to get a million things done, my shopping experience would have been quite relaxing and almost enjoyable. It was a little frustrating to not be able to get the little boxes of cereal or a big container of water; they were out. I'll get them tomorrow from the neighbourhood IGA, and I need to pick up a tin of coarse grind coffee for Kane to use with his new French press.

The last load of laundry is in the dryer which is why I am still awake. There are small piles of clothes and uniforms on my living room floor waiting to be completed and packed in the morning. The sleeping bags are rolled up and waiting...in my living room. I've been through the big bin of camping cookware and odds & ends. This time Kane will have a large spoon and spatula! At 10:00 tonight, I boiled pasta for Kane's oft requested pasta salad. Veggies need to be chopped in the morning. The van still needs to be emptied and reloaded. The cooler still needs to be cleaned out and loaded up. Oh, I need to get a block of ice, too! Can't forget that. Kane downsized from two large equipment bags to one large bag. The spare cell phone is charging and Casey's ipod has been charged. Paperwork is all in order in a binder.

It feels like I've barely done anything, but I guess there really isn't too much more to do. The kids will be enlisted to help with most of what's left to do which will make things happen more smoothly. I hope.

Spent

Am I crazy or have I simply accepted that my life is crazy busy so I may as well add more things to do to my day? I'd think about it more, but I'm too tired to do anything but keep moving. So, why am I sitting in front of my computer instead of working my way through my mile long list of things to do? Just taking a few minutes...

I am so exhausted I could sleep for a week and still be groggy. We were at the ballpark on Saturday for 7 hours and for 9.5 hours on Sunday. Yesterday I worked 7 hours and spent my three free hours catching up on some baseball business. Baseball last night. Baseball tonight. I only worked four hours today, four long and hot hours! I have laundry started, the dishwasher is running, the kids did a fair job cleaning the kitchen for me while I was at work, and I am trying to make a shopping list and decide what Kane and the kids will eat for the rest of the week.

Kane, Casey, and Abby are leaving tomorrow for Provincials. They will be leaving here between noon and 1pm. Unless he's changed his mind, Kane was planning on doing some work in the morning which leaves me to get everything packed and ready! The dentist phoned not too long ago to ask if I could bring Sam in for his cleaning tomorrow at 12:30 instead of a week later. I really had to weigh my answer. I don't know my work schedule for next week, so there is the possibility that I would end up needing to reschedule his appointment anyway, but I have so much to do tomorrow. In the end, I said yes. Shoot me now, please.

I still need to get groceries, finish laundry, pack their clothing, clean out the van, load up the van, clean out the cooler, load up the cooler, make sure Kane has all necessary paperwork for the tournament, make sure they all have their uniforms and necessary ball equipment. I filled the gas tank after work, but I still need to check oil and washer fluid. I can do this.

One of Casey's teammates will be travelling with Kane and the kids. I want to say 'us', but we aren't all going. Sam will be umpiring a Provincial tournament here from Friday through Sunday, so I'm staying home with him. It feels somewhat strange to be preparing to send half my family away on a camping/tournament trip, but there is a little piece of me that is kind of glad to see them on their way. Other than a 6:30am to 2pm shift on Thursday, I am free and clear through the long weekend. I'll help out at our Provincials and maybe watch some movies. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be doing much in the way of sleeping in!

One Down, One to Go

It has been an incredibly long weekend. I was at the ballpark yesterday for 7 hours and today for 9 and a 1/2 hours! Absolutely insane.

Abby had her season ending tournament for Tadpole Selects. She earned an MVP award in our final game, a semi-final loss. She pitched an inning in each of our two games yesterday and did fairly well considering that she has never pitched before. She didn't strike anyone out, but most of her pitches were hittable; she even gave up a home run! Unfortunately, her batting stunk this weekend. Oh well...

Casey umped several games over the weekend, and Sam umped a double-header on the other diamond this afternoon. Sam took a ball to his left elbow during the first game and has a big lump along with stitch marks from the ball.

Abby is finished. Done. Completed. Her uniform has been turned in, wrap up party has been partied out. One down and one to go! One more week of baseball. Casey has practice tomorrow and Tuesday night. Kane, Casey and Abby will be leaving Wednesday for Provincials with their first game to be played Thursday afternoon. Sam will be umping a Provincial tournament here beginning on Friday. After next Sunday, we can breathe. The hustle and bustle will stop. The dust will settle. I'll be able to reclaim space in my van once the bags of ball equipment is gone, at least until hockey season begins. Maybe we'll even get that renovation finished soon...

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