Last Post of 2007

I think I am a fairly retrospective kind of person. I love history. I enjoy looking back to see how far I've come and just where exactly I have been, because one cannot always tell in the moment! Perhaps this is why I journal and why I read through my journals from time to time. I suppose it is only natural to feel retrospective at this time of the year when one year ends and a new one is set to begin, but this is something I do on a regular basis throughout the year in many little ways.

I was thinking last night about the past decade and how far we've come as a family in that time. 1997 was a terrible year in many ways; more than I care to recount here. Kane's mom passed away and we bought her house. We've lived here for ten years, in the same house where Kane grew up, and it nearly feels like it is completely ours rather than my mother-in-law's house. Ten years ago, Abby was not yet born, and I was waddling after two pre-schoolers. Kane was installing water meters. Here we are today with a 14 yr. old, a 12 yr. old, and a girl that is 9 going on 16. Kane is working on his plumbing apprenticeship, and I am working part-time. Wow!

2007, in comparison, hasn't been quite as bad a year as 1997 was; however, it hasn't exactly been all that great of a year either. I want to say that the past year was a good year and so it was on the surface, I guess. In many ways, it was a benign year with really only two events to stir things up.

The car accident. I am tired of people at work asking me how I am doing. They mean well, and it isn't that I don't wish to answer...there just isn't a whole lot to say on that subject. I still have a headache which has never completely gone away. The severity may vary from day to day or hour to hour, but it is still always there. The back pain isn't quite as bad but even that is something that changes from day to day depending on the situation. If I'm off work for a few days then my back might not be too bad, but if I'm working and doing a lot of bending then it is going to be bothering me a fair bit more. A trip to the chiropractor tends to make my headache worse and might aggravate my back, or it might not result in any noticeable change. I'd love nothing more than to say that I'm feeling better. I am...better than I was a month ago which was better than the month before that, but it is more like a two steps forward, three steps back kind of recovery. It isn't like a broken bone which can be set, casted and healed in 4-6 weeks.

The other event wasn't so much an event as it was/is an ongoing emotional struggle. I think I have only written about it once before here as it isn't something I have felt too "safe" in talking about it on my blog. Long story made incredibly short...someone who was one of my closest friends pulled away and shut me out. It was something that started a couple of years ago and reached the breaking point a little more than a year ago. At that time, I made the decision to take a step back from the relationship. There really wasn't much of a relationship left, and I was being consumed by stress and insecurities. Stepping back was a difficult thing to do; it went against my nature. I've always been a friends for life kind of person, but I needed space for my own protection and sanity.

When I made that decision, I didn't really know what the result would look like. Stepping back didn't necessarily mean cutting all ties, and I don't think I could have done that without creating a huge mess. Mostly, things were easier for a while, less stressful, more sane, but there has always been an invisible cord keeping me tied to the situation. I can't escape it and so I've been shaken a few times again this year, sucked back into the stress and forced to make difficult decisions yet again. It is tiring.

I don't hate this person even if I don't feel like I truly know this person anymore. I wish I could say that I'm not angry, but I know that I do have a little anger simmering beneath the surface. There is a lot of confusion and uncertainty still. Mostly though, I am simply sad and wounded but surviving.

And that has been my 2007!

Christmas

Yes, we did survive Christmas! Actually, we had a nice Christmas, quiet and uneventful, which is always a good thing.

I heard someone get up at 6:00am Christmas day with more pitter-patter shortly after. I tried to sleep just a little bit longer, but it wasn't very long before all the kids were up and quietly waiting. It was slightly strange to think back on just how quiet and patient they were in their waiting...weird! While we waited for grandma and grandpa to stir, I got the turkey ready to go in the oven, and then we were opening presents and having fun.

We feasted on turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, Brussels sprouts, cranberries, carrots, celery sticks with Cheez Whiz, pumpkin pie and Christmas baking. Neither of my brothers-in-law showed up which wasn't really all that surprising, but my brother did as did my sister and her boyfriend and two kids. It was a good thing. I'm not sure how long Candice has been with Darcy (must be several years now), but this was the first time that he has been at a family function. It feels weird to say that 'out loud'. It wasn't intentional; just miscommunication. I've always just assumed that either Candice didn't want to include him or that he himself did not want to be involved. But, Kane and Darcy were in the same plumbing class over the past few weeks, so they were able to get to know each other and communication lines cleared just a little. A good thing!

I got my Pride & Prejudice movie, so I am happy. Everyone seemed happy with their gifts.

We ate too much and lay in a semi-comatose state for the rest of the night, but we were able to sleep in the next day. Kane and Abby made brunch on Boxing Day (well, I made my mini frittattas). Kane had invited his two brothers to come over for brunch, both said that they would but, naturally, neither showed. One was too hung over and the other had already made a big effort in giving us a Christmas card with money for the kids. That brother could have dropped off the Earth for a year or two for all we knew; he basically shut himself away from everyone. His life is a mess, but he's working on change, and we are pleased by the little steps that he has been taking. It would have been nice if he had come over for Christmas, but he hasn't acknowledged the kids at Christmas or their birthdays for probably 3 or 4 years!

Family!

Kane finished school right before Christmas and won't be going back to work until January 2nd. He's been able to get a lot done in the new suite and downstairs. In fact, we separated the bunk bed today and Sam will be sleeping downstairs as of tonight! The boys are so excited!!! Sam's room isn't really ready yet, but he can sleep in a room without a dividing wall, so long as he remembers that he's not allowed to watch the TV or play video games when he's supposed to be sleeping.

I am working a lot over the holidays. It is a good thing, I guess, even if it is more hours than I really want. Gotta love how my availability suddenly changes during school breaks without any word from me! I don't mind starting earlier when the kids aren't in school as long as it isn't every day, but I did have to leave a note when I was given a couple of shifts until 5pm. Ugh.

So yeah, it has been a good Christmas, even if Kane did make us watch White Christmas on Christmas Eve. I'm just glad that it wasn't It's a Wonderful Life! It was a hoot listening to the kids' comments while watching the movie though. Here's one example:

Casey: Is this movie real life?
Abby: No, because if it was real life it wouldn't be so hokey!


Jill Paquette played at our church on Christmas, and she was amazing. She's a Canadian girl now living/working in Nashville, and I loved her music and her voice. I need some time to listen to her cds, because I know that the words are rich and meaty, the kind of music that reaches in and touches you. check her out www.jillpaquette.com








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Twas the Day Before Christmas...

and all through the house
not a creature was stirring...

wait a minute!

This is my house and creatures are most definitely stirring!

Actually, Kane and the boys are off finishing off their Christmas shopping, while Abby and I have been busy in the kitchen. I have a list (where would I be without my lists?!) of things that need to be done for tomorrow, mostly concerning the big turkey dinner. It isn't a big list compared to most of my lists for such occasions. Either I have been more efficient than I thought I was or I'm forgetting a whole bunch of things that I won't remember until the last minute! Ah well, my mantra this year has been that Christmas will come whether I am ready or not, and so it will.

Pumpkin pies are cooling on the counter. Onions and celery for the stuffing have been chopped, Brussels sprouts trimmed. The turkey has thawed and is waiting in the fridge to be stuffed and popped in the oven in the morning.

I think I only have one thing left to wrap tonight and, of course, the stockings to stuff.

Some family is coming over tomorrow, although I am not entirely sure exactly who or how many. I do know that one sister is coming and bringing her boyfriend, hopefully kids, too. Pretty sure my brother will be here, but I don't know about my other sister and her kids and boyfriend. Both local brothers-in-law have been invited but their presence is somewhat doubtful. One has said that he won't come if the other is there, while the other has made a commitment to help at the Gospel Mission tomorrow.

I'm still not convinced that I feel very christmas-y yet, but I do feel a measure of hope and joy that I did not feel even a week ago. The past three and a half months have been quite different from what I could have anticipated. The car accident shook me up: physically, emotionally and most likely spiritually as well. It is amazing how something so seemingly minor can cause so much upset in a person's life!

How the Grinch Stole Christmas has been playing on TV quite frequently for the past month, and I could not be happier about it. I've always loved that book and cartoon, and I can relate to it so well. I am not the Grinch wanting to be rid of Christmas, and I'm not convinced that I am a Who either; however, I am encouraged by the reminder that Christmas is far more than ribbons, bows, boxes and bags and toys, gifts, trees, and roast beasts. Every year seems to be a frantic dash to the finish line, and it is easy to get caught up in the busyness of checking items off of 'to-do' lists rather than simply basking in God's love and precious gift to me!

We're having a white Christmas this year, and today the sun is shining! Despite the pain and the depression that goes along with it, I think this will be a good Christmas, maybe even a great one!

This is disjointed. Sorry about that, but I find my thoughts are often disjointed lately, interrupted as they are by thoughts of pain and distracted by musical rabbit trails playing on the stereo. There's just too much to say, but I can only sit in this chair for so long, and I don't quite know where to begin or end.

Bits & Bites

1. If a product is advertised as being a blueberry tea cake then there should be blueberries in it and NO raisins. It looked so good until I took that first bite and felt the squishy that could only come from a raisin. Blech! Seriously, I despise raisins in things. I like raisins plain, in cereal, or covered in chocolate but not in cookies, muffins, loaves or anything else.

2. Sam's band class is learning to play music from the Lord of the Rings movie! He's excited. I'm excited. When Sam was in grade 7 and just starting out in band, we heard the grade 9's play the same LOTR music at one of their school concerts. It was amazing. I will be most annoyed if Sam's class does not play this music for their spring concert.

3. I am finished my Christmas and Casey's birthday shopping! What a relief that is to be done. I was amazed at how easy it was to find the perfect gift for everyone last year, but this year could qualify as 8 hours of torture. I didn't have a clue and nothing popped out at me. There were lots of "hmmm, maybe but I don't know" and very little "that's perfect!" But, I did finally find that perfect gift last night after hours of looking for Casey's birthday gift. I feel so good about it that I almost feel Christmas-y.

4. The headaches and back pain continue. I am finished with physiotherapy as their efforts were not producing any noticeable results. So, I have moved on to chiropractic treatment and have had three adjustments thus far. The chiropractor ordered x-rays for my neck and lower back, amazed that my doctor had not already done so, and he went over the results with me yesterday. Surprise, surprise! My head isn't screwed on right! The curvature of my neck is not normal, but my lower back looks pretty good. The good news with the neck is that the joints are still loose and not compressed. Needless to say, I'll be visiting the chiropractor a lot over the next few weeks; hopefully, I'll experience some noticeable results soon.

5. I am making peppermint patties today. The only thing left to do is coat them in chocolate, but I think I'll wait until later when the kids are here to help. Abby did want to help, and I've lost my motivation already.

6. I've also got a pot of Italian meatball zuppa on the stove for supper tonight. It is a recipe that I clipped from some magazine a while ago and have wanted to try. It looks good so far. The recipe calls for fennel which is a vegetable that I have never used before. I knew it had a licorice flavour to it, but I didn't realize how strong even the smell was until I was cutting it.

7. I've watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original) twice already this season. It is one of my most favourite of Christmas specials. How can you not love Dr. Seuss?! It fits though. Christmas will come whether I feel ready or not. The best parts of Christmas aren't found in the wrappings or activities, decorations or traditions.

8. I'm hoping to have Christmas Eve and Boxing day off work. I've offered to work New Year's in exchange, because I won't be hung over and would much rather have Christmas off! Unfortunately, there are many people who want both holidays off, which they really aren't supposed to ask for, so I guess I'll find out tomorrow when the schedule is posted.



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Simplicity

The trouble with so many of us is that we underestimate the power of simplicity. We have a tendency it seems to over complicate our lives and forget what's important and what's not. We tend to mistake movement for achievement. We tend to focus on activities instead of results. And as the pace of life continues to race along in the outside world, we forget that we have the power to control our lives regardless of what's going on outside.
- Robert Stuberg