I love the Olympics. I love the feeling of Canadian pride as one of our athletes performs to his/her best, whether a medal is won or not. I enjoy watching the Olympics through the eyes of Canadian broadcasters and the stories they tell about the athletes, our own and other nation's. My voice cracks with emotion if I try to recount one of those heart-warming stories or sing our anthem during a medal ceremony. I grimace with every fall and applaud that little bit of extra effort. As sappy as the television commercials have been in the months leading up to these Vancouver Olympics, I do believe!
In my opinion, our Own the Podium program has been a success, although my definition of success might be different than that of the program creators. I do not believe that the goal of being the number one medal-winning country was ever realistic or achievable. It just is not! Our national population is less than the population of California! How could we ever compete in a numbers game against the Americans? Rather, I believe the Own the Podium program has been successful because of the awesome performances by our athletes, medal-winners and non-medal-winners alike. We currently have 7 gold medals, with another three to be determined in the next day or two. Never before has a Canadian athlete won gold on Canadian soil at the Olympics! We have 7. SEVEN! Does it really matter if we are third or four in the medal standings? I don't think so. Maybe if we were in the middle or near the bottom, but a top 4 or 5 finish is nothing to be ashamed of. How many athletes have narrowly missed stepping onto that podium? How many athletes have achieved personal bests at these Games? How many athletes have overcome the odds to even be there?
In my opinion, these Games have been a success on so many levels. I was awed by the opening ceremonies. I've been glued to my television as much as possible, quick to cheer on our athletes, celebrating victories, and simply proud to be Canadian. It's almost a little sad to think of how quickly the Games are coming to an end. The Winter Olympics are definitely my favourite, and four years feels like a long time! But, I am eager to see what Russia will do for the Sochi Olympics in 2014.
All good things come to an end eventually. Sunday will bring the men's ice hockey gold medal game (hopefully with Canada playing) and the closing ceremonies. We can pat ourselves on the back, proud of what we British Columbians have put on for the world. And then, we can get back to routine and normalcy. As much as I've been loving the Olympics, I've also been missing the regular flow of life that is not arranged around the television.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Board Shorts Blues No More
Two, maybe three, years ago, I bought a pair of board shorts that fit me, more or less. After a lengthy and fruitless search, I finally found one pair that I could get over my hips and do up, even if bending over ultimately popped the snap. Maybe I should not have bought them, but I did and they have sat in a drawer unused ever since.
Last night, on a whim, I decided to try them on, to see if my loss of 13 pounds and nearly 3 inches off my waist had made any impact on the fit of these shorts. I put them on, zipped the zipper and snapped the snap. Ha ha! I didn't need to suck in my gut to do them up. I sat down on the edge of the bed. The snap held. I stood up and bent over. The snap still held. What do you know!
Last night, on a whim, I decided to try them on, to see if my loss of 13 pounds and nearly 3 inches off my waist had made any impact on the fit of these shorts. I put them on, zipped the zipper and snapped the snap. Ha ha! I didn't need to suck in my gut to do them up. I sat down on the edge of the bed. The snap held. I stood up and bent over. The snap still held. What do you know!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Head Games
A headache started late yesterday afternoon and progressed through the night. I did not sleep well, which I think can be blamed on the headache that raged on through the night and followed me into morning. I hate going to bed with a headache only to wake up with the same headache! And even though some Ibuprofen dulled the pain today, I could still feel that headache lurking just beneath the surface. In fact, as I type this at 9:00pm, I can feel the headache once again gaining strength. Headaches suck!
I have lived with headaches enough over the past 2.5 years to have come up with different descriptions or classifications for my headaches. They are not all the same.
The nearly constant headaches feel more like static or fuzziness than pain. These headaches are the type that wear you down and exhaust you. I learned to live with them, even if I hated them and found their constant presence disruptive and frustrating. They are like white noise, because most of the time you can almost forget that they are even there...except not really. This type of headache is the most dangerous, at least for me. Like the steady drip of water on stone, these headaches will eventually wear you down to nothing.
The headache I am facing right now is not that headache. No. This headache is more potent in strength, more quick to debilitate. It's the kind of headache that builds up steam and strength until the pain is so strong that the slightest movement of the head sends painful pulses through the brain. The whole head hurts, but the pain is greatest directly behind the ears and around the base of the skull, as if an angry giant has grabbed hold of me by the scruff of my neck. It's strong enough at times to make me feel almost nauseous. Sometimes Ibuprofen will take off the edge for a little while; other times the drug will be enough to send that giant far, far away.
The low-dose anti-depressant my doctor has me one was prescribed to help with my headaches, and it has worked quite well, for the most part. The static headaches have virtually disappeared, since I began taking the little pill mid-December. Hey! That's good news! There is something wonderful about being able to think clearly day after day. I can count on one hand the number of headaches I have had since I started taking this drug, which is an amazing feat by my standards. When you have lived with one continuous headache for months and months on end, having only two or three headaches in a two month span is quite a miracle!
I guess I can't complain about this particular headache too much considering that I have been doing so well recently. It's just that sleep is so precious, which is supposed to be another positive effect of my drug-the little extra help in the sleep department. But I did not sleep well last night. With the headache once again gaining strength as bedtime draws near, I cannot help but worry that another night of restless, unproductive sleep is what awaits me.
I have lived with headaches enough over the past 2.5 years to have come up with different descriptions or classifications for my headaches. They are not all the same.
The nearly constant headaches feel more like static or fuzziness than pain. These headaches are the type that wear you down and exhaust you. I learned to live with them, even if I hated them and found their constant presence disruptive and frustrating. They are like white noise, because most of the time you can almost forget that they are even there...except not really. This type of headache is the most dangerous, at least for me. Like the steady drip of water on stone, these headaches will eventually wear you down to nothing.
The headache I am facing right now is not that headache. No. This headache is more potent in strength, more quick to debilitate. It's the kind of headache that builds up steam and strength until the pain is so strong that the slightest movement of the head sends painful pulses through the brain. The whole head hurts, but the pain is greatest directly behind the ears and around the base of the skull, as if an angry giant has grabbed hold of me by the scruff of my neck. It's strong enough at times to make me feel almost nauseous. Sometimes Ibuprofen will take off the edge for a little while; other times the drug will be enough to send that giant far, far away.
The low-dose anti-depressant my doctor has me one was prescribed to help with my headaches, and it has worked quite well, for the most part. The static headaches have virtually disappeared, since I began taking the little pill mid-December. Hey! That's good news! There is something wonderful about being able to think clearly day after day. I can count on one hand the number of headaches I have had since I started taking this drug, which is an amazing feat by my standards. When you have lived with one continuous headache for months and months on end, having only two or three headaches in a two month span is quite a miracle!
I guess I can't complain about this particular headache too much considering that I have been doing so well recently. It's just that sleep is so precious, which is supposed to be another positive effect of my drug-the little extra help in the sleep department. But I did not sleep well last night. With the headache once again gaining strength as bedtime draws near, I cannot help but worry that another night of restless, unproductive sleep is what awaits me.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Little Voice
I am sitting here, moved nearly to tears, humbled and awed and feebly trying to fit the pieces together. Several minutes ago, I sat to write in my journal and came up empty-nothing to write, so I grabbed my Bible. My Bible is tucked into a basket close at hand, yet so seldom have I cracked its' pages these past few years. I wasn't sure what to read, but I suddenly found my way to Elijah's story in 1 Kings, seeking to glean some insight into his bout of depression.
It was necessary to start with the challenge at Mount Carmel, the "mountain-top experience", before reading of his "desert or valley experience", when he feared for his life. That was the story I looked for-the depression and despair, because that is the place I am at, or have been for so long. However, as I read, there was so much more to the story than I remembered, and this was what reached inside my soul and touched me.
1 Kings 19:11-15 (NKJV)
"Then He said, 'Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.' And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rock in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind, and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.
So it was, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. Suddenly a voice came to him, and said, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'
And he said, 'I have been very zealous for the LORD God of hosts; because the children of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they seek to take my life.'
Then the LORD said to him, 'Go, return on your way to the Wilderness of Damascus, and when you arrive, anoint Hazael as king over Syria.'"
Now I don't pretend to have achieved any special "mountain-top" victories in my life, but I have certainly felt like the depressed Elijah. No one may truly seek to take my life, but I have certainly felt as if my 'enemies' seek my pain and suffering. The years of thinly disguised hate from certain in-laws, the bitter demise of one of my closest friendships, the loneliness and disappointment at our previous church-all these things have made me feel rather like Elijah when he runs away, then cries out to God in despair. That's me! I have felt so alone, dry and dusty, and threatened, that I have, in essence, run away to a secret refuge.
Although it may at times be difficult to recognize God's tender ministrations towards me, I do not doubt that He has indeed been with me all along. But the part of the story that touched me anew today was God's response to Elijah's lament. Through the wind, the earthquake, and fire, though awesome and powerful, God was not there. Instead, God was in a still small voice! My God can certainly be found within the mighty and the spectacular, but sometimes, maybe more often than not, God is experienced in a still small voice.
In the hustle and bustle of life, it is oh so easy to look for the next big flashy thing. We believe that anything of value must come with happy feelings and awesome special effects. We forget. I forget that wisdom and hope are easily drowned out.
But there is more! God wasn't yet finished with Elijah; He just sent him in a different direction. And with that knowledge comes hope and an inkling of joy that there is still more for me. God isn't finished with me yet!
It was necessary to start with the challenge at Mount Carmel, the "mountain-top experience", before reading of his "desert or valley experience", when he feared for his life. That was the story I looked for-the depression and despair, because that is the place I am at, or have been for so long. However, as I read, there was so much more to the story than I remembered, and this was what reached inside my soul and touched me.
1 Kings 19:11-15 (NKJV)
"Then He said, 'Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.' And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rock in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind, and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.
So it was, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. Suddenly a voice came to him, and said, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'
And he said, 'I have been very zealous for the LORD God of hosts; because the children of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they seek to take my life.'
Then the LORD said to him, 'Go, return on your way to the Wilderness of Damascus, and when you arrive, anoint Hazael as king over Syria.'"
Now I don't pretend to have achieved any special "mountain-top" victories in my life, but I have certainly felt like the depressed Elijah. No one may truly seek to take my life, but I have certainly felt as if my 'enemies' seek my pain and suffering. The years of thinly disguised hate from certain in-laws, the bitter demise of one of my closest friendships, the loneliness and disappointment at our previous church-all these things have made me feel rather like Elijah when he runs away, then cries out to God in despair. That's me! I have felt so alone, dry and dusty, and threatened, that I have, in essence, run away to a secret refuge.
Although it may at times be difficult to recognize God's tender ministrations towards me, I do not doubt that He has indeed been with me all along. But the part of the story that touched me anew today was God's response to Elijah's lament. Through the wind, the earthquake, and fire, though awesome and powerful, God was not there. Instead, God was in a still small voice! My God can certainly be found within the mighty and the spectacular, but sometimes, maybe more often than not, God is experienced in a still small voice.
In the hustle and bustle of life, it is oh so easy to look for the next big flashy thing. We believe that anything of value must come with happy feelings and awesome special effects. We forget. I forget that wisdom and hope are easily drowned out.
But there is more! God wasn't yet finished with Elijah; He just sent him in a different direction. And with that knowledge comes hope and an inkling of joy that there is still more for me. God isn't finished with me yet!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
BFF
I had lunch with a friend today, and it was good. We ate and talked, laughed and shared those sympathetic, bittersweet kind of smiles that are sometimes the only response when faced with less than ideal situations. The time flew by and soon was over, and my friend returned to his job. I came back home to Olympics, a dental appointment, supper preparations, and Mom's taxi service. It's always good to get together with a friend; it just does not always happen nearly often enough!
I love my friends deeply. I appreciate what they bring to our relationship and hope that what I have to offer is of equal value. I hope that I am a good friend. Sometimes I don't feel like much of a friend. Sometimes I just feel rather alone. Life is busy, sometimes down right crazy! I miss what once was, but I also know that sometimes you cannot go back to the past.
Once upon a time, there were five women who shared two common bonds: a relationship with God and being a mother. We already knew each other at varying levels of friendship, but we chose to forge a group together, a place for honesty, love, encouragement, and support. We met regularly and, from a tentative start, we grew together, tightly-knit. We added one to our number and felt the loss of one when she moved away. We added another, but by this time our precious group was already being stretched in ways that we couldn't fully comprehend. As the years went by, each of our lives became busier, and finding an all-inclusive time and place to meet began to be a seemingly impossible task. Still we plodded along as best we could. One woman experienced an unthinkable betrayal, and the rest of the group rallied around our hurting friend. We loved, encouraged, and supported all the ways we knew how. Unfortunately, this one friend changed into someone that we no longer recognized.
There is so much that could be said about what went wrong, but there is no point to dragging all that muck to the surface. It would only serve to rub grit into my open wounds and cloud reasoning.
Ultimately, our little group succumbed, although I would not yet declare it officially dead! Those of us that remain do still get together, although so seldom as that is what our schedules seem to allow. The rest of us celebrate birthdays and special moments. The rest of us maintain a connection despite our infrequency in coming together.
I cannot blame this one woman, this former friend, for breaking our group apart. Well, I could, but it wouldn't be fair or justified. As I said earlier, we're all busy people with busy families. When you're busy some things just take a back seat. The problem, at least for me, is that it is far too easy to forget about that item in the back seat! In the rush and bustle of a busy day or week, I simply don't look at what is in the back seat. If something isn't written on my calendar, chances are good that it will be lost, forgotten. Ha! Even things that are on my calendar sometimes get "lost" until the last minute!
I miss my group of friends and the good thing we had going on. It was never perfect, but what is. This group filled a hole in my life when I most needed filling up. Out of this group grew two of my closest friendships...and even that has been affected. The one who hurt so deeply and in turn hurt us so deeply was one of those best friends, and I don't know that I will ever fully come to grips with that loss.
Which brings me back to the beginning of this post, more or less. I love my friends. I miss my friends when too much time has passed between catch-ups, because that's what seems to be the order of any given visit-quick catch-ups littered with holes, missing information that everyone is presumed to already have.
I love my friends deeply. I appreciate what they bring to our relationship and hope that what I have to offer is of equal value. I hope that I am a good friend. Sometimes I don't feel like much of a friend. Sometimes I just feel rather alone. Life is busy, sometimes down right crazy! I miss what once was, but I also know that sometimes you cannot go back to the past.
Once upon a time, there were five women who shared two common bonds: a relationship with God and being a mother. We already knew each other at varying levels of friendship, but we chose to forge a group together, a place for honesty, love, encouragement, and support. We met regularly and, from a tentative start, we grew together, tightly-knit. We added one to our number and felt the loss of one when she moved away. We added another, but by this time our precious group was already being stretched in ways that we couldn't fully comprehend. As the years went by, each of our lives became busier, and finding an all-inclusive time and place to meet began to be a seemingly impossible task. Still we plodded along as best we could. One woman experienced an unthinkable betrayal, and the rest of the group rallied around our hurting friend. We loved, encouraged, and supported all the ways we knew how. Unfortunately, this one friend changed into someone that we no longer recognized.
There is so much that could be said about what went wrong, but there is no point to dragging all that muck to the surface. It would only serve to rub grit into my open wounds and cloud reasoning.
Ultimately, our little group succumbed, although I would not yet declare it officially dead! Those of us that remain do still get together, although so seldom as that is what our schedules seem to allow. The rest of us celebrate birthdays and special moments. The rest of us maintain a connection despite our infrequency in coming together.
I cannot blame this one woman, this former friend, for breaking our group apart. Well, I could, but it wouldn't be fair or justified. As I said earlier, we're all busy people with busy families. When you're busy some things just take a back seat. The problem, at least for me, is that it is far too easy to forget about that item in the back seat! In the rush and bustle of a busy day or week, I simply don't look at what is in the back seat. If something isn't written on my calendar, chances are good that it will be lost, forgotten. Ha! Even things that are on my calendar sometimes get "lost" until the last minute!
I miss my group of friends and the good thing we had going on. It was never perfect, but what is. This group filled a hole in my life when I most needed filling up. Out of this group grew two of my closest friendships...and even that has been affected. The one who hurt so deeply and in turn hurt us so deeply was one of those best friends, and I don't know that I will ever fully come to grips with that loss.
Which brings me back to the beginning of this post, more or less. I love my friends. I miss my friends when too much time has passed between catch-ups, because that's what seems to be the order of any given visit-quick catch-ups littered with holes, missing information that everyone is presumed to already have.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Depression Update
I had another appointment with my doctor today, more follow up on the depression diagnosis. Things are going well. The little pill seems to be doing its' job in terms of keeping my headaches mostly at bay and helping me to sleep. The doctor gave me another six month prescription, so I am well dosed for the rest of the year! Although this was the first time the doctor mentioned that I can take TWO pills at a time, if I'm not getting enough sleep or headache relief. Hmmm. I've been taking this little pill one per day since I was first diagnosed, and today was my third appointment since then...and he just mentioned this little tidbit now!? Oh well! I can file that away under 'Good to Know'.
Of course, the doctor also asked if I had pinpointed the cause of my depression, because it is important to recognize such things. When I said that I was fairly certain that my depression was directly related to relationships, he immediately asked if I was talking about Kane. Uh, no!
I can see why he would ask if my relationship problems were with my husband. I'm sure that for many people this would be an all too common problem, but that isn't my problem. Okay, I do get a little frustrated with my husband at times, especially with his being at home, under foot so often lately, but that is fluff. I can live with fluff! You get annoyed with it for a moment, and then you just brush it off and move on with life. Fluff is easy.
So, I clarified my comment by saying that it was more a result of issues with my brother-in-law and his wife and the end of my relationship with someone who I thought was my best friend forever. The doctor ignored, or let slide, the in-law side of the problem and instead asked why my friendship ended. I gave the briefest and matter-of-fact explanation to which he commented that it hurts, but it was her choice.
And it is true! I still don't really understand it. Even if I can understand the mechanics of what happened between us, I still struggle to comprehend emotionally how such a close friend could simply cut me out of her life, and I am bothered by the fact that there seems to be no regret or sense of loss on her part. Of course, I don't know what she thinks or how she feels anymore. I have no idea if she ever thinks about me, about us and all that has happened between us. I just assume that she doesn't, because she never responded to any of my attempts to reach her.
But she made the choice to push me away. She made the choice to cut me out of her life. I made a choice also. I chose not to be her doormat any longer, and so I chose to take a step back, to remove myself from the war zone, to rest for a time in a neutral zone. I just didn't expect that the neutral zone would be transformed into the wasteland. I felt like someone who had been banished from the kingdom; I still do.
I can recognize those sources of stress in my life, but there is a limit to what I am actually able to do to resolve those issues. That's the thing about relationship problems-it takes two to tango! I can only do what I can do.
The only other possible root for my depression was the nearly constant headaches and frequent back pain stemming from being rear-ended more than two years ago. Thankfully the pill helps with the headaches, which in itself is a life-saver! The back pain still comes and goes depending on what I am doing, but I would have to say that the occurrences are less frequent now that I have been getting more active.
So, I don't need to go back to the doctor about the depression unless I feel a need. He did caution me to be aware of how I am feeling next fall, in case part of my depression is seasonal. If it is, then we can look at all the options available for treating SAD at that time.
Of course, the doctor also asked if I had pinpointed the cause of my depression, because it is important to recognize such things. When I said that I was fairly certain that my depression was directly related to relationships, he immediately asked if I was talking about Kane. Uh, no!
I can see why he would ask if my relationship problems were with my husband. I'm sure that for many people this would be an all too common problem, but that isn't my problem. Okay, I do get a little frustrated with my husband at times, especially with his being at home, under foot so often lately, but that is fluff. I can live with fluff! You get annoyed with it for a moment, and then you just brush it off and move on with life. Fluff is easy.
So, I clarified my comment by saying that it was more a result of issues with my brother-in-law and his wife and the end of my relationship with someone who I thought was my best friend forever. The doctor ignored, or let slide, the in-law side of the problem and instead asked why my friendship ended. I gave the briefest and matter-of-fact explanation to which he commented that it hurts, but it was her choice.
And it is true! I still don't really understand it. Even if I can understand the mechanics of what happened between us, I still struggle to comprehend emotionally how such a close friend could simply cut me out of her life, and I am bothered by the fact that there seems to be no regret or sense of loss on her part. Of course, I don't know what she thinks or how she feels anymore. I have no idea if she ever thinks about me, about us and all that has happened between us. I just assume that she doesn't, because she never responded to any of my attempts to reach her.
But she made the choice to push me away. She made the choice to cut me out of her life. I made a choice also. I chose not to be her doormat any longer, and so I chose to take a step back, to remove myself from the war zone, to rest for a time in a neutral zone. I just didn't expect that the neutral zone would be transformed into the wasteland. I felt like someone who had been banished from the kingdom; I still do.
I can recognize those sources of stress in my life, but there is a limit to what I am actually able to do to resolve those issues. That's the thing about relationship problems-it takes two to tango! I can only do what I can do.
The only other possible root for my depression was the nearly constant headaches and frequent back pain stemming from being rear-ended more than two years ago. Thankfully the pill helps with the headaches, which in itself is a life-saver! The back pain still comes and goes depending on what I am doing, but I would have to say that the occurrences are less frequent now that I have been getting more active.
So, I don't need to go back to the doctor about the depression unless I feel a need. He did caution me to be aware of how I am feeling next fall, in case part of my depression is seasonal. If it is, then we can look at all the options available for treating SAD at that time.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Ties
(NaBloPoMo's theme for February is TIES, which could be taken in a multitude of ways. Since I have already missed the first two days of the month, it is rather obvious that I won't be posting every day of the month. That's okay, I guess. )
My snarky attitude has prevailed over the past couple of weeks. I hate feeling that way, but I am at least starting to recognize how my depression ties things together. Recognition is only half the battle though. I still need to overcome it, and that is not always such a simple task. Sometimes, there is a fleeting feeling of pleasure in being irritable and, like an addiction, I am constantly pulled toward that guilty pleasure. Then, I am swamped with feelings of guilt and shame, which only make me feel worse and seeking avoidance. It's a vicious cycle, really, and my Bounce Back workbooks illustrate this through every page. But, if I remember the wisdom within those pages, then I am able to start making strides towards positive thinking which will lead to positive actions.
The problem is that I often lack patience and want things to happen all at once. Depression can't be fixed that way. What I can do is celebrate each little step that brings me success, focus on those things, and give myself the grace required to move past my failures. Perhaps the biggest thing of all to remember is that there is no size requirement for success!
And so, here are some recent successes, big and small:
1. I am oh so close to having lost 10 pounds since January 10th.
2. I have lost a total of 4.5 inches between my chest, waist and hips since January 10th.
3. I had this week's dinner meals planned by last Saturday.
4. I went for a 35 minute, fast paced walk yesterday, and a 40 minute, fast paced walk today.
5. I have been doing some yoga and weight exercises on a nearly daily basis since January 10th.
6. I have started reading books again! It had been a couple of months since reading held any interest to me (depression symptom), but I have read 4.5 books in a week.
7. I haven't had potato chips or a chocolate bar or ice cream or a real dessert since January 10th.
8. I mailed an actual letter to a friend last week (another lost interest).
9. I am eating vegetables and fruit every day, and often multiple servings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
