Okay. I love music, but I am not a musical person in terms of ability. Two years playing concert band clarinet does not make me a musician, nor does the ability to read basic notes on a scale and peck out those same basic notes on a piano. As a child, I sang with school choirs and Glee Clubs (do they even have those anymore?) and even solos! Growing up with three sisters fairly close in age meant that we were sometimes called upon to sing together for church services or family gatherings. Like many children, I spent my share of day-dreaming time lip-synching to the stereo with a makeshift microphone, but I always knew that music was never my thing.

My music listening tends to run in cycles depending upon my mood and what is going on in my life. While I enjoy a wide variety of music, my collection is rather small as I choose not to spend much money on keeping up to date on the latest hits. Besides, I know that, while I may really love one song, I may not enjoy the rest of that artist's music and don't want to spend $20 for one song. I know...an ipod would be perfect for me. Maybe someday when I have extra cash...

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a Bare Naked Ladies phase, and one song in particular was my go-to song. No sooner would the dying strains begin than my finger would push the 'rewind' button on the cd player. Thankfully, I was driving solo most of that phase so there was no one to annoy but me and I didn't care! The song was Call & Answer. I love that song, especially one part:

"so if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed-up things that you do
If you ever do, I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back
here to rebuild
Rebuild... "

It is a song that I feel somewhat guilty for liking so much. There is a hint of unforgiveness and bitterness in the song which is why I feel guilty; however, there is a lot more depth to the words. In many ways, it so mirrors a situation in my own life, which is why I have such a difficult time listening to the other songs on the cd!

But, this week has brought a different song, one that is lighter and more hopeful. I have pulled out an old Whiteheart cd, Freedom and the song is Over Me. Yes, I do still listen to my '80s music and love it!

"caught in a summer rain
but I don't run for cover
I stand out in the shower
rain running over me
I could stay for hours
and though the sky is dark
and there's a shadow on the land
the rain comforts me
it is the touch of His hand

I feel His love pouring down over me
warm healing waters that set me free
safe in the arms of eternity
held by the wonder and mystery
over me..."

Just so you know, I do not always get stuck on one song. Really, I'm not some kind of psycho.

It must be time to change the cd though...what will be next? I think I need some Margaret Becker.

It has been a little more than a month now since the accident, and I am still suffering the effects. The CT scan came back normal which is a good thing though frustrating. The headache continues, but my doctor has finally acknowledged that over-the-counter pain relievers just weren't cutting it and prescribed some Tylenol 3. Of course, they make me drowsy most of the time, so I'm really limited as to when I can take them...lot of good that does!

My mid and lower back is absolutely killing me today. I had physio yesterday and he was quite heavy handed on that area, even putting me on the "rack". He warned me to expect extra stiffness and pain in that area, and he wasn't joking.

A small blessing...the headache hasn't been as strong today as it has been for the past week or two. My head has hurt for so long that I'm not sure what a pain-free head feels like. Bliss, I'm sure.

The ICBC meeting went well, I suppose. Better than I had anticipated. I gave my statement and answered a million questions, feeling like a specimen under glass. She gave me the ICBC spiel about how normal my suffering is, how many people make the mistake of not going back to work soon enough after an accident, how lots of people live and work with aches and pains, and expressed the opinion that we'd settle everything nice and tidy next week. Yeah.

I'm sure my suffering is normal. Typical. I'm certainly not enjoying not working (at least not too much), but there are no "easy" tasks for me to do at work to make things easier on myself, despite what the adjuster said to that effect. As for settling, I don't particularly want to drag it out and I'm not seeking to strike it rich on this claim, but I also do not want to settle anything so long as I am still having pain and issues. If everyone is telling me that the headaches can last for months, then I certainly don't want to settle in October if I might still be having pain in February!

I am doing more and getting up and out more, too, although I've paid the price later in the day with a lot of back pain. So, I try to make my plans for the morning and leave at least part of the afternoon for napping and the application of heat while laying down.

4 Weeks

So, I saw my doctor on Monday after another virtually sleepless night. I like my doctor. Really, I do, but he also frustrates me as he often seems reluctant to delve deeper than the surface and always seems in a hurry and almost patronizing. It is probably more my perception and insecurities than his actual care and attention, but it is a big part of why I avoid going to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. My imagination can run wild and I make the effort to explore and research symptoms and problems on my own; however, I am not a hypochondriac! If I go to the doctor with a problem, it is something that is truly a problem for me. I will suffer through a lot and have a fairly high pain threshold, but I do have my limits.

I was supposed to work on Monday before my doctor's appointment, but I phoned in sick around 5:00am because I hadn't yet fallen asleep! After that I managed to sleep until 7:00am when it was time to rouse the kids for school. Once they were out the door at 8am, I tried to fall back asleep but was only able to squeak out another hour of sleep. My headache was quite painful that day (and has been more painful more often lately).

Kane came with me to my appointment to be a stronger, more firm voice as I was desperately hoping that the doctor would recommend more time off work. I am so glad that Kane did come with me, otherwise I might not have been given that recommendation and I would have bawled. I've gone to work because I was scheduled, but it was nothing short of torture. The doctor did finally tell me to take another two weeks off, but I could tell that he was reluctant. He gave me another prescription for a muscle relaxant which should also help me sleep, and he told me that I am depressed because I got a little teary while explaining how miserable I am feeling.

Now, I appreciate that I might be somewhat depressed. After all, I was in an accident through no fault of my own. I've had a headache every single minute since impact and drugs aren't easing that at all. Since I've been back to work, I have had back pain to the point that I need the counter to keep me upright, and when I am done work I basically collapse on the futon for the rest of the day. I've begun having trouble sleeping because of the pain and pressure in my head. I'm not a teenager anymore and the thought of functioning through a busy day on only a couple hours of sleep is unappealing and unreasonable for someone in the process of "recovering". There has been the added stress of finding a new vehicle, dealing with ICBC, scheduling all my new appointments into an already busy life, guilt over letting my boss down, guilt over not feeling up to doing more around my own home, guilt over feeling as crappy as I do when I don't look injured, and then anxiety because my doctor doesn't seem to give real weight to how I am feeling. Is there a reason for me to be depressed? Absolutely! Am I? Maybe, but I resent the judgement based on something like a build-up of tears in such a situation. It doesn't take much for me to tear up. A sappy commercial on TV, a sad moment in a book, a heartwarming moment in a movie or TV show, talking about my weaknesses...all those things will bring tears to my eyes! Always have. Perhaps I have been depressed for my entire life?!

If I am truly depressed then explain it to me based on my pain and recent circumstances, but do not make that diagnosis based on a few tears that weren't even shed until you said I was depressed.

At least he ordered a CT scan which I am having done this afternoon. It might show nothing, but then again, it might show something which would explain the persistent headache.