I finished reading The Shack today, but it will take a very long time to process the words and emotions that transferred from page to heart and mind. This book is simply amazing; a must read for everyone. The book explains the very heart and nature of God in ways that have never been clearer (at least to me) and more real.
Here's a couple of quotes that jumped out at me:
"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly." She waited a moment, allowing her words to settle. "And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."
"Let's use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that 'expectancy' to an 'expectation'-spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend."
I can't even begin to process how deeply those two quotes impact me, and I am not even going to attempt it right now. My head is fuzzy from headache and nasal congestion and exhaustion, but I feel as if the past few years have all been leading up to this...and I am finally understanding.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Happy Anniversary...yeah, right!
Last Saturday was the one year anniversary of my accident. It's funny how something so relatively minor can have such an impact on a person's life. I'm realistic. I know that my injuries were minor in the grand scheme of motor vehicle accident injuries, and I don't want to imply that my injuries are worse than they are. Because that's the way I am...so careful not to offend or distinguish myself in any way! Maybe I shouldn't be blogging when my mood is slipping...
I bite my tongue a lot. When a co-worker whines about having a headache, I bite my tongue. What I'd like to say is, "Try having a headache for a year!!" But I don't, because ___________. Fill in the blank: a) I have more compassion than a gnat.
b) I already bit my tongue off and cannot speak.
c) I am weary of explaining that despite how I may appear I am not 100%.
But this is my online, mostly private blog and I can whine here if I want to...and so for today I will, because my back is bothering me, my head is filled with static, and I am exhausted. I should probably add depressed to that mix, too.
Yesterday was a reasonably good day, at least as far as mood went. It was productive. I got a lot accomplished, even if my back was killing me for most of the day. Today is vastly different. I had plans for today. Nothing too exciting, nothing major, but I had hoped to ride the wave of yesterday and get a little more done today. So not gonna happen! It's a good thing I got so much done yesterday, because I fear the rest of my week has been shot to pieces.
One little accident. One driver's decision to speed and his lack of attention. Thanks a lot!
Because of that driver...
1. When I am a passenger in a vehicle that is slow to begin braking when the vehicle in front of us is braking, I feel a rush of panic to the point that my arm will reach for the door or arm rest as if to brace myself. I was the one rear-ended, but now I get stressed about doing the same to someone else.
2. I had a non-stop headache for over 9 months. I still have a headache more often than not, but there are now moments of clarity, brief as they may be. Most of the time though, my head feels like static or fuzziness. It's kind of like being stuck on a TV channel with poor reception, just snow.
3. The back pain I live with now is not constant, unless I have done something to aggravate it for a while. The pain is mostly dependent upon what I do or don't do. Standing at the sink washing dishes is bad. Did that yesterday and I'm still paying for it. The height difference between me and the counter is just enough to force me to bend slightly, and that is where my troubles begin. A lot of tasks at work require bending, both big bends and slight bends and lots of both! Hence, almost everything I do at work bothers my back. Sitting for a period of time on the wrong kind of seat is bad. Bleachers and backless benches are terrible! Even some "comfy" chairs are not good. I sleep on my side, but that position is not good when my back is in pain. Sleeping on my back is worse, same with on my stomach.
4. I haven't had very many good nights of sleep in the past year. It doesn't seem to matter how exhausted I am by the end of the day, it is difficult to fall asleep when my body is aching, hurting, uncomfortable and fuzzy. I lie awake. I toss and turn. I doze off, wake up and lie awake some more. The good, solid nights of sleep come in the form of a prescription muscle relaxant which I take only when I'm really bad. That sleep is deep and mostly motionless, but I am groggy for hours after waking.
5. Nine months of the past year were spent running here and there to various appointments, some as often as three times a week. I saw doctors, physiotherapists, massage therapists, a chiropractor, and my ICBC adjuster. I was poked, prodded, manipulated, scanned, and bruised. If I don't have an appointment for the rest of the year I will be so glad!
6. My family has been affected, too. I haven't had the energy to do all that I normally do. It's difficult enough to make supper 7 nights a week and keep on the laundry. I've certainly been moodier, probably more short-tempered at times. Like everyone else, they don't understand what is going on inside me because I look fine on the outside.
7. I think I am on the slippery slope of depression. My doctor told me I was depressed last October, a month after my accident, but he implied that my problems were from the depression rather than the depression being a result of the injuries. I am stubbornly opposed to being officially depressed, but there are times when I get sucked into the mire.
8. I have little patience for ignorant, stupid, reckless drivers who give no thought to how their actions could impact others.
End rant.
I bite my tongue a lot. When a co-worker whines about having a headache, I bite my tongue. What I'd like to say is, "Try having a headache for a year!!" But I don't, because ___________. Fill in the blank: a) I have more compassion than a gnat.
b) I already bit my tongue off and cannot speak.
c) I am weary of explaining that despite how I may appear I am not 100%.
But this is my online, mostly private blog and I can whine here if I want to...and so for today I will, because my back is bothering me, my head is filled with static, and I am exhausted. I should probably add depressed to that mix, too.
Yesterday was a reasonably good day, at least as far as mood went. It was productive. I got a lot accomplished, even if my back was killing me for most of the day. Today is vastly different. I had plans for today. Nothing too exciting, nothing major, but I had hoped to ride the wave of yesterday and get a little more done today. So not gonna happen! It's a good thing I got so much done yesterday, because I fear the rest of my week has been shot to pieces.
One little accident. One driver's decision to speed and his lack of attention. Thanks a lot!
Because of that driver...
1. When I am a passenger in a vehicle that is slow to begin braking when the vehicle in front of us is braking, I feel a rush of panic to the point that my arm will reach for the door or arm rest as if to brace myself. I was the one rear-ended, but now I get stressed about doing the same to someone else.
2. I had a non-stop headache for over 9 months. I still have a headache more often than not, but there are now moments of clarity, brief as they may be. Most of the time though, my head feels like static or fuzziness. It's kind of like being stuck on a TV channel with poor reception, just snow.
3. The back pain I live with now is not constant, unless I have done something to aggravate it for a while. The pain is mostly dependent upon what I do or don't do. Standing at the sink washing dishes is bad. Did that yesterday and I'm still paying for it. The height difference between me and the counter is just enough to force me to bend slightly, and that is where my troubles begin. A lot of tasks at work require bending, both big bends and slight bends and lots of both! Hence, almost everything I do at work bothers my back. Sitting for a period of time on the wrong kind of seat is bad. Bleachers and backless benches are terrible! Even some "comfy" chairs are not good. I sleep on my side, but that position is not good when my back is in pain. Sleeping on my back is worse, same with on my stomach.
4. I haven't had very many good nights of sleep in the past year. It doesn't seem to matter how exhausted I am by the end of the day, it is difficult to fall asleep when my body is aching, hurting, uncomfortable and fuzzy. I lie awake. I toss and turn. I doze off, wake up and lie awake some more. The good, solid nights of sleep come in the form of a prescription muscle relaxant which I take only when I'm really bad. That sleep is deep and mostly motionless, but I am groggy for hours after waking.
5. Nine months of the past year were spent running here and there to various appointments, some as often as three times a week. I saw doctors, physiotherapists, massage therapists, a chiropractor, and my ICBC adjuster. I was poked, prodded, manipulated, scanned, and bruised. If I don't have an appointment for the rest of the year I will be so glad!
6. My family has been affected, too. I haven't had the energy to do all that I normally do. It's difficult enough to make supper 7 nights a week and keep on the laundry. I've certainly been moodier, probably more short-tempered at times. Like everyone else, they don't understand what is going on inside me because I look fine on the outside.
7. I think I am on the slippery slope of depression. My doctor told me I was depressed last October, a month after my accident, but he implied that my problems were from the depression rather than the depression being a result of the injuries. I am stubbornly opposed to being officially depressed, but there are times when I get sucked into the mire.
8. I have little patience for ignorant, stupid, reckless drivers who give no thought to how their actions could impact others.
End rant.
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