A Month of Sundays

It was yet another all too typical Sunday morning in the Thompson household. I dragged my carcass out of bed when my alarm rang with every intention of going to church. Yeah, no-didn't happen! Well, that's not entirely true. We did get to church for a grade 5-6 parent meeting after the first service.

I wish I fully understood why I am struggling so much with the simple act of getting myself to church. During baseball season we often have ball games or tournaments on Sundays, but ball season is over and we have still be quite sporadic in church attendance for no better reason than a lack of motivation.

I love my Saviour. I love worshipping Him, and I value Godly teaching and preaching. Yet, I feel so utterly disconnected from the whole church scene, even though I do still manage to keep some connections intact. I drop my boys off at youth activities and Abby at her two weekly church groups. Kane and I tried the small group thing a couple of years ago but opted out when a change in location meant more time away from home and the kids. Other than that I am either blissfully or woefully out of the loop. My ever-changing work schedule prevents me from taking part in a women's study and occasional craft days. Special events often fall on the same night as several other meetings or functions.

But, I think the problem is something deeper than simply being physically connected to a church. There needs to be an emotional, relational connection, I think, and that is something that has been missing for a long time.

Our current church has only been home for a handful of years. It became our home after a brief search after leaving a church that had been our home for about 8 or 9 years. We had been involved on many levels and in many ways. Kane and I worked with you and hosted a small group. Kane was on the board and an usher. I taught Sunday school, helped in the nursery, was the nursery coordinator, and helped in other ways. By the time we finally left, I know I was rather bitter and lonely, and I'm sure Kane felt the same way.

The relationships we thought we had been building never went anywhere. In fact, they seemed to disappear in a flash long before we ever left. The turning point for me was when I opened myself up to a woman that I thought was interested in building a relationship and she basically ignored me. That's when I started to withdraw, I think, at least emotionally from that church even though I stuck it out for quite some time. It was telling that I could go to church and walk out after without having anyone really, truly talk to me and certainly not beyond a superficial level. No one took the time to call or drop us a line when we'd be absent from church for several weeks because of baseball or hockey. Even when we finally left the church no one called to ask why or to wish us well. Several months after we left, we did receive a generic "thinking of you" card from the church staff, and I admit that I laughed when I read it. Sarcastically. There was no personal message. Just a standard message and signatures from all the staff, even the new youth pastor who had never met us! The message said that they had prayed for our family during their weekly staff meeting. Wasn't that good of them?!

Okay, so maybe I am still clinging to some bitterness there, but I know that is a big part of the reason why I have not made an effort to jump into our new church with both feet. I know churches aren't perfect, but I've grown weary of the mawkish pageantry often found in churches. While I believe there is still value in going to church, I struggle to get myself there, to overcome the ennui and indifference I feel about going to church.