Here I Go Again

I suppose it has been a while since I last posted here. Most of my computer time is spent on Facebook or browsing, but there is a limit to what I can or will post on Facebook. It's a little too public at times. I can't even say that I've been doing a lot of journaling, because I haven't been keeping up on that either.

My carpal tunnel in both wrists has been giving me a fair bit of grief over the past month or so. I'm not very happy about that at all, but I have little choice but to suffer through it. Pain is my ever present companion. The head fuzziness and headache continue, as does the back pain.

As if my body wasn't dealing with enough stress, I was rear-ended once again three days ago! This was a minor accident compared to my previous one. No damage to the van whatsoever, but my body did not escape unscathed. The headache is a wee bit stronger, and I have new back pain between my shoulder blades up into the base of my neck.

The woman who hit me this time was most apologetic, maybe even fearful that I was going to chew off her head and spit it out. I confess the thought did cross my mind. Unlike the last accident, I didn't see this one coming and had a moment of 'what happened?' when I heard and felt the bump. It wasn't hard; I don't think my van even moved. The other driver slid on the ice and could not stop her vehicle from hitting mine, which is a vastly different from the driver speeding along and ramming into my van at close to full speed!

I think I handled this accident well; definitely better than the last one! I had no sarcastic comment for this driver, even if I mumbled a bad word to myself as she went to retrieve her insurance papers. I did not burst into tears when I called Kane to let him know what had happened, and I even managed to finish running my errands.

The kids had different reactions when they got home from school and were told of my most recent accident. Abby expressed shock, asked if the police had come, and finally asked if I was okay. Casey immediately asked if we had a new van. I guess he failed to see our old van sitting in the driveway looking just as it had that morning. Once I disappointed him with the news that the old van was still ours, he high-fived me for entering the "two accident" club. He's the only other member of the club. Sam was a little surprised but mostly unemotional and not overly concerned.

I'll live, but it sucks. I'm still dealing with physical issues from the first accident and really didn't need to add new pain to the mix. This accident was so minor that I believe I would have been fine had I not had been crashed into last year. But I was. Maybe I should put a big sign on the back of my van...STOP! Hey, they do it in minor hockey...

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

A Month of Sundays

It was yet another all too typical Sunday morning in the Thompson household. I dragged my carcass out of bed when my alarm rang with every intention of going to church. Yeah, no-didn't happen! Well, that's not entirely true. We did get to church for a grade 5-6 parent meeting after the first service.

I wish I fully understood why I am struggling so much with the simple act of getting myself to church. During baseball season we often have ball games or tournaments on Sundays, but ball season is over and we have still be quite sporadic in church attendance for no better reason than a lack of motivation.

I love my Saviour. I love worshipping Him, and I value Godly teaching and preaching. Yet, I feel so utterly disconnected from the whole church scene, even though I do still manage to keep some connections intact. I drop my boys off at youth activities and Abby at her two weekly church groups. Kane and I tried the small group thing a couple of years ago but opted out when a change in location meant more time away from home and the kids. Other than that I am either blissfully or woefully out of the loop. My ever-changing work schedule prevents me from taking part in a women's study and occasional craft days. Special events often fall on the same night as several other meetings or functions.

But, I think the problem is something deeper than simply being physically connected to a church. There needs to be an emotional, relational connection, I think, and that is something that has been missing for a long time.

Our current church has only been home for a handful of years. It became our home after a brief search after leaving a church that had been our home for about 8 or 9 years. We had been involved on many levels and in many ways. Kane and I worked with you and hosted a small group. Kane was on the board and an usher. I taught Sunday school, helped in the nursery, was the nursery coordinator, and helped in other ways. By the time we finally left, I know I was rather bitter and lonely, and I'm sure Kane felt the same way.

The relationships we thought we had been building never went anywhere. In fact, they seemed to disappear in a flash long before we ever left. The turning point for me was when I opened myself up to a woman that I thought was interested in building a relationship and she basically ignored me. That's when I started to withdraw, I think, at least emotionally from that church even though I stuck it out for quite some time. It was telling that I could go to church and walk out after without having anyone really, truly talk to me and certainly not beyond a superficial level. No one took the time to call or drop us a line when we'd be absent from church for several weeks because of baseball or hockey. Even when we finally left the church no one called to ask why or to wish us well. Several months after we left, we did receive a generic "thinking of you" card from the church staff, and I admit that I laughed when I read it. Sarcastically. There was no personal message. Just a standard message and signatures from all the staff, even the new youth pastor who had never met us! The message said that they had prayed for our family during their weekly staff meeting. Wasn't that good of them?!

Okay, so maybe I am still clinging to some bitterness there, but I know that is a big part of the reason why I have not made an effort to jump into our new church with both feet. I know churches aren't perfect, but I've grown weary of the mawkish pageantry often found in churches. While I believe there is still value in going to church, I struggle to get myself there, to overcome the ennui and indifference I feel about going to church.

The Shack

I finished reading The Shack today, but it will take a very long time to process the words and emotions that transferred from page to heart and mind. This book is simply amazing; a must read for everyone. The book explains the very heart and nature of God in ways that have never been clearer (at least to me) and more real.

Here's a couple of quotes that jumped out at me:

"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly." She waited a moment, allowing her words to settle. "And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

"Let's use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that 'expectancy' to an 'expectation'-spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend."

I can't even begin to process how deeply those two quotes impact me, and I am not even going to attempt it right now. My head is fuzzy from headache and nasal congestion and exhaustion, but I feel as if the past few years have all been leading up to this...and I am finally understanding.

Happy Anniversary...yeah, right!

Last Saturday was the one year anniversary of my accident. It's funny how something so relatively minor can have such an impact on a person's life. I'm realistic. I know that my injuries were minor in the grand scheme of motor vehicle accident injuries, and I don't want to imply that my injuries are worse than they are. Because that's the way I am...so careful not to offend or distinguish myself in any way! Maybe I shouldn't be blogging when my mood is slipping...

I bite my tongue a lot. When a co-worker whines about having a headache, I bite my tongue. What I'd like to say is, "Try having a headache for a year!!" But I don't, because ___________. Fill in the blank: a) I have more compassion than a gnat.
b) I already bit my tongue off and cannot speak.
c) I am weary of explaining that despite how I may appear I am not 100%.

But this is my online, mostly private blog and I can whine here if I want to...and so for today I will, because my back is bothering me, my head is filled with static, and I am exhausted. I should probably add depressed to that mix, too.

Yesterday was a reasonably good day, at least as far as mood went. It was productive. I got a lot accomplished, even if my back was killing me for most of the day. Today is vastly different. I had plans for today. Nothing too exciting, nothing major, but I had hoped to ride the wave of yesterday and get a little more done today. So not gonna happen! It's a good thing I got so much done yesterday, because I fear the rest of my week has been shot to pieces.

One little accident. One driver's decision to speed and his lack of attention. Thanks a lot!

Because of that driver...

1. When I am a passenger in a vehicle that is slow to begin braking when the vehicle in front of us is braking, I feel a rush of panic to the point that my arm will reach for the door or arm rest as if to brace myself. I was the one rear-ended, but now I get stressed about doing the same to someone else.
2. I had a non-stop headache for over 9 months. I still have a headache more often than not, but there are now moments of clarity, brief as they may be. Most of the time though, my head feels like static or fuzziness. It's kind of like being stuck on a TV channel with poor reception, just snow.
3. The back pain I live with now is not constant, unless I have done something to aggravate it for a while. The pain is mostly dependent upon what I do or don't do. Standing at the sink washing dishes is bad. Did that yesterday and I'm still paying for it. The height difference between me and the counter is just enough to force me to bend slightly, and that is where my troubles begin. A lot of tasks at work require bending, both big bends and slight bends and lots of both! Hence, almost everything I do at work bothers my back. Sitting for a period of time on the wrong kind of seat is bad. Bleachers and backless benches are terrible! Even some "comfy" chairs are not good. I sleep on my side, but that position is not good when my back is in pain. Sleeping on my back is worse, same with on my stomach.
4. I haven't had very many good nights of sleep in the past year. It doesn't seem to matter how exhausted I am by the end of the day, it is difficult to fall asleep when my body is aching, hurting, uncomfortable and fuzzy. I lie awake. I toss and turn. I doze off, wake up and lie awake some more. The good, solid nights of sleep come in the form of a prescription muscle relaxant which I take only when I'm really bad. That sleep is deep and mostly motionless, but I am groggy for hours after waking.
5. Nine months of the past year were spent running here and there to various appointments, some as often as three times a week. I saw doctors, physiotherapists, massage therapists, a chiropractor, and my ICBC adjuster. I was poked, prodded, manipulated, scanned, and bruised. If I don't have an appointment for the rest of the year I will be so glad!
6. My family has been affected, too. I haven't had the energy to do all that I normally do. It's difficult enough to make supper 7 nights a week and keep on the laundry. I've certainly been moodier, probably more short-tempered at times. Like everyone else, they don't understand what is going on inside me because I look fine on the outside.
7. I think I am on the slippery slope of depression. My doctor told me I was depressed last October, a month after my accident, but he implied that my problems were from the depression rather than the depression being a result of the injuries. I am stubbornly opposed to being officially depressed, but there are times when I get sucked into the mire.
8. I have little patience for ignorant, stupid, reckless drivers who give no thought to how their actions could impact others.

End rant.

This & That

August has been kind of a blur which is a little surprising as I had thought it would be slower. Just goes to show that life is busy regardless of what you do or don't do!

I have been working a lot! It is nice to have a bigger paycheck for a little while, but I have found the longer hours onerous. My back has not been too thrilled with the extra days and hours of work, and so I now wear a back brace at work. The back issues have even affected my comfort level while doing mundane tasks like grocery shopping, walking, and browsing the library. However, I did manage to grocery shop today without the pain and an intense desire to drape myself over the cart. I am not so comfortable now though...

The longer work days have had me starting my days early, early...far too early! By nature I am not a morning person, although I can function well enough at such ungodly hours. The most difficult aspect of early mornings for me is getting to sleep at a decent time. It just doesn't work!

August ushered in my return to working Saturdays, and I have carried more responsibility for those August Saturdays as a manager is off on sabbatical. I both love it and hate it...the extra responsibility and working Saturdays. Saturdays are crazy busy and potentially full of pitfalls, but I do enjoy working with the younger staff and escaping the workplace politics that come with the weekday full-timers. I can handle the responsibility easily enough, although I am careful not to get sucked into the management trap.

This past Saturday was a trial to be sure. It began when I arrived at 5:30am to the ringing of the phone; my 6am worker was calling in sick. We did just fine until more staff arrived at 7am, but then chaos arrived. We were busy, and most of the staff just did not have the experience or ability necessary to make it through the next 4 or 5 hours gracefully. I found myself alternating between the need to rip out my hair and the urge to knock my head against the wall. It wasn't a bad day, but it could have been smoother with only one worker with more confidence and experience.

Kane and I celebrated 16 years of marriage last Friday, even if we actually celebrated last night instead of Friday night. Those 5am wake-ups for work are a pain in the neck! Roses are adorning my living room, and we had an enjoyable dinner out last night.

I did some rearranging today in my little computer area. It was a task that I actually began over a week ago; however, progress was stalled because of work and the need to sleep. I think I like the end result, although I am waiting for Kane to get home to move one piece of furniture out of the room. I've eliminated the need for the printer desk by moving a book shelf and purging/reorganizing said shelves. It looks cleaner, neater, more functional. Kane and the boys did some cleaning and purging in the storage room beneath the stairs this morning. That little room is notorious for becoming the catch-all dumping grounds, so this was a much needed course of action. Little by little, we're making progress on decluttering and organizing which makes me happy.

Sam baked a pizza last night while Kane and I went out for dinner. It wasn't until this morning that we realized that he baked it on my wooden cutting board which is now cracked in multiple places and ruined. Silly boy. I guess he assumed that he could use it in the oven just like the stones...

Kane and the boys are golfing right now...in the rain...with Kane's brother Brent. It's good that they are golfing, but I have no warm feelings for Brent, his attitudes or his behaviour. Enough about that or I will start down a bitter road.

I've been a little moody for the past few weeks. Anger, frustration, resignation, lethargy, and an almost uncontrollable need to cry. I don't know why, or maybe I don't want to know why. I haven't really spent time, let alone talked, with my friends for most of the summer. I am working far more than my body can handle. I feel unappreciated, maybe taken for granted. It sucks. I know that I am stronger than all this, and yet I find myself so unmotivated to rise above.

I am looking forward to the fall, a return to routine and order, and the changes that will be taking place. Sam is not playing hockey which means our weekends will be free! But, we will have a kid in high school now and taking a school bus. Casey is on his own in middle school and struggling to find his way through the shark-infested waters of adolescence. Abby is eager for another school year, while I can't believe that my baby is in grade 5!

Mostly, I am just looking forward to sleeping until at least 7am six days of the week and returning to my more reasonable and manageable work hours. Okay, and I am really hopeful about attending the Canucks and Maple Leafs game in November! Wouldn't that be sweet?!

Building Castles in the Sand

I realized something today...that our summer so far has not flown by at the speed of light! We have become accustomed to spending the first half of the summer moving at a crazy pace: work, baseball practices, baseball games, baseball tournaments in town and out. By the time we hit August, we would be too burned out to do anything more than work and exist. Not this year!

The decision to opt out of All-Star baseball this year was not made lightly nor easily, but it has been one of the best decisions we've made in a long time. What a change of pace it has been. No need to rush through dinner or whip through a drive-thru on our way to the ball park. No crazy weekends spent in hotels, campgrounds and ball parks. No stress over losing games, winning games, line-ups, coaches, bad calls, or difficult teammates.

Instead, we've been enjoying the summer and taking it easy. Our little trip to Seattle was so much fun and so relaxing despite the typical stress of travel/holidays. We haven't really done a whole lot so far, but it is certainly nice to have the time, the money, the option to do what we want.

We went to the beach last weekend. The sun was hot, the water cold, but we had a good time. Except for Sam who barely tolerated being dragged as far as the sand. He doesn't enjoy water and stayed full clad playing Sudoku on the beach.

We went to see The Dark Knight after our time at the beach. It was awesome!

Kane and the boys have made several trips to the driving range and a couple of trips to the golf course. Kane's golf clubs are more than 20 years old, some in poor condition. After years of mild whining for new clubs, he finally bought himself a new set last week.

I have had time to do a little bit of baking. Freshly baked blueberry scones are simply irresistible.

Kane put in a retractable screen door in the kitchen yesterday, and we're still getting used to the idea of the door being wide open unattended. The extra breeze through the kitchen is lovely, especially in the evening, and I love to listen to the whisper of the wind through the maple leaves.

Kane and the boys took in some of the BC Summer Games yesterday, watching some baseball and track events.

The kids and I made it to the library last week for the first time in months, and I think we will even make it back there tomorrow. It feels good to be reading again.

After a two year hiatus from barbecuing, Kane replaced the burner and briquettes, and we're back in business. No longer must I tamp down jealousy with every whiff of steak on the grill somewhere in the neighbourhood. Now I just need to teach Kane how to grill a perfectly rare steak and I'll be in heaven!

We've even eaten out on the deck for the first time in years!

And July isn't quite over yet!

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Just Another Manic Monday

It was a long, hot and busy weekend. My uncle and cousin arrived at our place very late Thursday evening and left Sunday morning. We didn't get to spend a lot of time visiting, but we gave them a place to stay and they took care of Abby while the rest of us were at the ballpark. My cousin is only a couple of years older than Abby, so they were both pleased with the situation.

Friday and Saturday were extremely long days as both boys umped several games throughout each day for the Valley of Champions tournament. They also umped on Sunday but that was a "shorter" day though just as hot. They will be pleased with the money they earned and have plans to buy an Xbox 360. As for me, all I got was a little bit of sunburn.

Sam's 15th birthday was on Friday, although we really didn't have the time to do much of anything. As it was I had to hunt down a suitable cake at two different grocery stores Friday evening on our way home from the ballpark! The cake was good even if it did have blue roses on it, and Sam enjoyed his gifts. He received a pair of Toronto Maple Leafs work gloves, a new golf bag, and an 8x10 photo of Alexander Ovechkin which says To Sam and is autographed. He loves it. I am jealous and wish my name was Sam.

I can't believe I have a 15 year old child! Aside from the physical aches and pains of aging, I still feel like I have barely finished my own teen years. Sam has also grown so much in the past year; it is amazing! It is difficult to believe that we were once concerned, because he wasn't growing much at all. Just over a year ago, Casey was slightly taller than Sam, but Sam has now surpassed his brother by a significant margin. He has grown just over 8 inches in eleven months and is about two inches shorter than me now. I think he'll be taller than his mom by the end of the year!

Casey had his final two baby teeth pulled this morning as they were being stubborn and the permanent teeth were growing in over top. For all his bravado, Casey can be quite nervous about such procedures, but he did just fine. It took him quite a while to get settled for sleep last night. The thought of the needles made him very nervous. He's sucking on a Popsicle now.

Last week during a routine clean and check-up, we learned that Sam is completely missing his top two 12 yr. molars! They never came in and they aren't hiding anywhere in his mouth, but he does have two upper wisdom teeth waiting for their time to erupt. I guess it is only natural then that Sam does not have any lower wisdom teeth. Everything balances out in the end!

Saturday night, Brent called Kane about meeting for coffee and a chat on Sunday afternoon. So, Kane met with him yesterday and things went well enough, I suppose. Brent didn't want to talk about what has happened over the past couple of weeks, except to say that Pat has certain times of the year that are more difficult than others. Huh? Sometimes I swear that Brent is as dense as slab of marble. What are we supposed to infer from his comment? Should we overlook her insults and hatred because it is July? How on earth does she get along with other people if she can't even maintain a basic level of decency with family? How many excuses can Brent make for her behaviour without even acknowledging the brutality of her actions or attempting in any way to apologize for it?

Come on! Lots of people have bad times...of the day, the week, the month, even the year! We've personally had a lot of those in the past year, but we're not lashing out at Brent and Pat the way they have to us. When Kane and the kids hit a deer in May, Pat lashed out at us in anger because she had bought a lot of food for them to eat while at her place but they never even made it to her house! She was mad at us, because my kids wanted to go home instead of to her house while I stayed at the hospital with Kane. She was mad at me for sending my kids home with one of my best friends of nearly 20 years instead of sending them with her, the psycho aunt that hasn't exactly been a stable figure in their lives for the past 10 years. She was mad at us for not thanking her enough for her help. I guess I didn't realize that we should have been entitled to lash out at Pat because we were going through a bad time...have to remember that for next time!

I'm not surprised. I expected as much as soon as I knew that Brent wanted to chat with Kane. I knew he didn't want to apologize. He is only interested in keeping Kane from getting too ruffled, because Brent and Pat have already alienated the other two brothers and who would Brent go golfing with if he completely alienated Kane, too. My feelings don't matter. But, he's wrong! This cannot be swept under the rug and "forgotten". We cannot pretend that it didn't happen, and Brent's desire to spend time with family just won't happen unless these things are dealt with properly.

I've been thinking a little about Pat and wondering about her social life. Of course, she is now in a new city and would be starting from scratch with the friend-making, but I wonder about her friends even from their previous residence. Pat talks a lot, all the time, non-stop, and yet I never hear her talk about her friends. She talks a lot about the parents of Payton's friends and schoolmates or neighbours but never about real friends of her own. Kind of makes me wonder...She doesn't seem to have a good relationship with her brother or father and, as I mentioned, Brent and Pat have destroyed their relationships with Brent's other two brothers. With Pat's words and actions toward us lately, I just can't see her carrying on a healthy relationship with anyone. Her expectations of others are so narrow and rigid, and her anger towards someone who fails to meet those expectations is volatile and unforgiving. I can't imagine a "friend" putting up with that for very long. I kind of feel sorry for Pat, because she is obviously a very troubled and lonely person, but I am not so much the fool that I want to be slapped around some more.

Well, I guess my pie crusts are sufficiently cooled by now to begin the task of making the filling. I have been wanting to make a cream pie for a long time now, but I don't have the energy to follow up on that urge. So, I'm taking the easy route and using frozen pie crusts and boxed mixes for a banana cream and a coconut cream pie. I am so lazy that I am going to combine the two mixes rather than cook two separate batches! What can I say?! It was a really long and draining weekend, today is my only real free day, and I am working the rest of the week. I suck at making pie dough from scratch anyway, but I still do want to make some cream pies from scratch one day.

No More

You know, I thought I had managed to keep my email to Pat on a calm and mostly non-confrontational level. I thought I had done very well considering the degree of my ire only a couple of hours before writing that response. I didn't then, nor have I ever done anything to her or said anything to her with the intention of trampling on her feelings or her character, but she certainly had no qualms about doing just that to me! Her response to my email was off the wall not only in terms of her anger and poison but also in her logic.

There is no point in copying her words to me here or even Brent's words. I'll summarize instead. Let's see...I was called a free-loader (several times) and an unmotivated taker. I am inhuman with no emotion. I am witless. I am unwelcoming and boring. I am a bad example for my children because I choose to work at Tim Horton's and for several other reasons that she labelled as "etc., etc., etc." I am rude. I am a little girl living in a fantasy world. I know nothing at all. I think only of myself, and I am a loser. I never do anything. I am a hypocrite. I was told by Pat that she has never liked me and never did care.

And I don't care anymore either! The drama this past weekend was the last straw, and I am finished being their doormat. They said years ago that I wasn't worth their time or effort to get to know and that I would need to change before they would spend time with me (or us). It's funny then how they continue to berate us for not spending enough time with them! I especially get a kick out of Brent's comments to Kane about this whole fiasco. He can live with me apparently, while Pat needs more from me (us) not for herself but for Payton! They both feel that I don't want to be around them, and that is what led to Pat's frustrated email! There is a reason why I don't feel comfortable around them...their own comments and attitudes towards me that have been going on for years, and there was nothing frustrated about Pat's email, it was pure venom, anger and disdain!! And what started all this in the first place?! She called to ask if Kane could build a fence for her last weekend, and I told her that he was already committed to helping a friend with a plumbing problem and we were going away. That's it!

Brent had the gall to ask why we didn't invite Pat and Payton (but mostly just Payton) to come with us on our holiday and tried to make us feel guilty for not even considering it and making the offer. Hello?! Even if our relationship with them was peachy, we wouldn't have considered inviting them to come along. This holiday was for us, our little family of five. The past 10 months have been incredibly crazy for our family, more than normal, and we all needed a break. I don't think we should have to invite a niece along just to keep Pat from going psycho on us. And if they are disappointed in us for not extending that invitation how is that our problem to deal with?

It really doesn't matter anymore, because I am finished. Pat told me not to bother emailing her ever again and strongly expressed to me that she will never email me again, and I can only assume/hope that includes phone calls, too! I will not call her. I will not go to visit her. My kids will never go to her house or spend any time with her outside of our presence. I will be instructing my kids to not open the door to her should she ever show up at our home while I am at work. Payton will be welcome to come spend time with Abby, but she can only be dropped off while Kane or I are home. I do not want my kids to ever be alone with Pat!

She burned whatever bridge there was between us with her poisonous attack on my character and the character of my family. That bridge will not be so easily repaired, and I honestly don't believe that she has any interest in apologizing or mending anything. She doesn't even see any fault within Brent or herself-nope, Kane and I are the sole source of conflict and issue here! Brent doesn't even seem very eager to mend the bridge that his wife destroyed. Oh, he's interested in golfing with Kane but that's about it. He obviously holds the same position about me as Pat does, so I'm done with him, too.

This is me restraining myself...

Pat,

I want you to know that I am not hurt by your comments. Once upon a time I might have been personally been wounded by your venom; however, I am simply angry, offended and tired of these theatrics. I know that you have told Kane that you have certain expectations of family and that we've let you down many times. We are not perfect and have never tried to claim that we are. We are human, we make mistakes and we will inevitably let you down, just as we have often been disappointed by friends and family members. Yes, we have been let down by family, even by you and Brent, many times. You know what? It happens to everyone. We feel hurt or upset, but we deal with it and understand that everyone is different and must live their own lives...even families.

What you expect of us might be quite different from what we expect of you. That doesn't make our expectations better than yours; it just makes them different. We are not responsible for your expectations, and you are not responsible for ours. If you can't live up to our expectations then we need to deal with our disappointment rather than lashing out at you for not meeting our standards. If we don't meet your expectations then perhaps you need to re-examine your expectations and the way you deal with disappointment.

You and Brent have both made a big issue out of how little time we have spent with you since you moved to Vernon. Put yourselves into our shoes for a few minutes please. Our family is different than yours. Brent is in the airforce. You have your own business. You have one child. You are a very crafty person, very outgoing and helpful. You always seem to be busy. Kane is a plumber with another year of school still to come. He works hard and long hours. The company he works for is rather busy as are many trades in the area. His boss wants him to work lots of over-time because of how busy they are. Kane also coaches baseball. There were many days where he wouldn't even make it home before going to the ballpark. I work part-time, but my schedule is not set in stone from week to week. I never know more than a week in advance what days or hours I will work which makes it difficult to plan anything too far ahead. I sit on the executive for our baseball association. My tasks on the executive include finding sponsorship, field scheduling for games and practices, and acting as a liaison between the executive and an all-girls' team. We have three children each with their own lives. Sam has played hockey for the past 6 years but has decided not to play in the fall. He has played baseball for 9 years and been an umpire for 4 years. He is entering high school in the fall. He has been a part of the cross-country running team for the past 3 years at school. He enjoys attending his youth group when he can. He will be 15 soon and like many teenage boys he is often unmotivated. It is a struggle to get him to put in enough effort at school. Casey loves baseball! He has been playing for 8 years and umping for 2. It was a difficult decision to not play summer ball this year simply because he is a good player and he loves to play so much. He entered middle school last fall and found life suddenly a little more difficult than he had anticipated. He joined several sports teams at school: cross-country running, volleyball, and basketball. He is a social kind of kid and wants to be busy and entertained. Abby is highly social and would spend all her time with her friends if she could. She has played baseball for 6 years and has really improved over the last year. She was on an all-girls' baseball (not softball) team this year, something that is ground-breaking and exciting. She was in the Environmental club at school and also took part in an after-school art program for several weeks. She loves music and is part of a music/drama/crafts program at our church. These are the things we do. We are certainly busy, but as busy goes we are not nearly as busy as some.

I know you are busy, so I wish that you could understand how much busier we are with three kids. Baseball is not an excuse we use to brush you off. Baseball is 2-3 months of the year where we are extremely busy, because our kids are in different age groups so their games are spread out. You expect us to just cancel a game to spend time with you, but we make a commitment to a team when we register our kids each year. It is surprising how few games the kids actually play considering how busy we are, but we cannot simply drop several games. Kane is needed as a coach. There are situations where one kid missing a game can be the difference between having enough players or not. We try to teach our kids responsibility and commitment and being part of a team is an example of where both are required. Of course, that isn't to say that we have never missed a game, because we have for school functions. And you know, just because baseball is over doesn't mean that we are utterly and completely free. Life is busy for many people. If you believe we're giving you excuses then that is your opinion.

What are your excuses for not spending time with us? Are you busy? Don't want to spend time with us? I don't get it! You hurtle all these accusations at us, and yet you are just as guilty of the same thing. It didn't work for us to come visit for Payton's birthday, but we did invite you to come watch Sam play baseball in Vernon and hang out with us there. You were too busy, too tired to come...but you expect us to interrupt our busy lives and to ignore our exhaustion to visit with you. There have been far more times where you have stayed home or run off to do errands rather than visit with us, even when Brent and Payton have.

I don't know where you get the idea that we are only interested in your money or bribes! Where on earth did that come from?! And where do you get the idea that we're suddenly making money as if we're raking in the dough? Yes, Kane received a raise very recently, but we have never looked at you or anyone differently because of how much money we make or don't make. Kane was willing to help with your fence without being paid because you are family, and his motivation for calling you yesterday most certainly had nothing to do with you paying him anything! In case you forgot, you called asking him to come help, so he was trying to return your call and let you know that this weekend wouldn't work for him but another time might.

Our little trip to Seattle is not a freebie weekend with the company. Kane wasn't completely honest with Brent about that; he didn't want Brent to offer us money like he usually does. There's nothing free about this trip. We are paying for it. We deserve a little vacation, and who are you to insinuate that we should sacrifice that for you? We haven't had a real vacation in years, and this is in many ways a treat for our kids for not playing summer ball this year. If we scrimp and save and sacrifice in order to make this happen for our family what is it to you? Are you upset that we didn't include you or that we are going away? Or are you only upset because Kane couldn't help with the fence this weekend?

We had nothing to do with your decision to move to Vernon. We had nothing to do with Brent still being in Victoria while you are here in Vernon. We know it is difficult having that separation; we've done it! Several years ago, Kane spent several months working in Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba, leaving me home with three much younger children. It might not be quite the same as being dropped in a new city, but the principle of being on your own is very much the same. Did I get help from either of you or Rick or Kent? No. Did my siblings help out? No. There were times when I was busy and stressed and lonely and felt uncompletely unsupported. There was a reason why Kane changed his line of work...because we didn't like that separation and it was too difficult. That decision meant a change to a lower paying job, but it was a sacrifice well worth it in our opinion because it was best for our family. We all need to make choices based on our own priorities, and priorities are different from family to family.

I am offended by your comments about breaking the ice with our family, our lack of welcome, and the joke of getting closer to Brent's family. How can you make such pronouncements when you have held such a low opinion of me for years? Several years ago, Brent had a lengthy conversation with Kane about how the both of you felt about me, and it wasn't very flattering in the least. Shall I recap for you, because I know I will never forget it. You don't feel comfortable around me, largely because I am not as chatty as you are. You have no interest in getting to know me or even taking the time to get to know me. All expectations have been on me to change into someone that you are more comfortable with...whatever that looks like. And the clincher? We shouldn't expect you to spend very much time with us when you moved here because you don't like me and don't want to!

Quite different from your lofty expectations, isn't it? You chew us out for not spending enough time with you, yet we've been told that you don't want to spend time with us. Who is the hypocrite now? For all your talk of familial expectations, your own attitude and behaviour have been rather contradictory and childish.

You and I are quite different people. You are very out-going and chatty. I am not. It is a slap in the face to hear you and Brent say that I do not respond to you AT ALL when I know that is simply not true. I may not talk as much as you do, but that does not mean that I refuse to talk to you...or was I imagining all those times we actually exchanged dialogue with each other? Why should I change to make you feel comfortable around me? Why shouldn't you change to make me feel more comfortable? Surely you are capable of getting along with people different from yourself, so you should be able to meet me half way. I don't expect you to be different than you are. I don't expect you to be like me or to change to be more like me. What I do want is to be accepted for who I am without strings attached. I have friends that are far more out-going and chatty than I am, but we get along perfectly well because our friendship is based on deeper things than the number of words that we speak. Relationships take time and effort. You decided long ago that I wasn't worth either of those things, so it shouldn't be a surprise that we really have a superficial and uncomfortable relationship. And it shouldn't be a surprise that I don't feel comfortable around you knowing how you truly feel. I might not make the biggest effort, but I make an effort. We visited you at Christmas a few years ago. We've welcomed you to our home several summers in a row. If I don't get all warm and fuzzy with you then you'll just have to accept what I do offer because, unless you are truly willing to get to know me on a real and personal level, I am just not going to let myself be your doormat. All my life I have listened to enough voices which tell me that I am not pretty enough, not slim enough, not smart enough, not out-going enough, not co-ordinated enough, not stylish enough, not athletic enough...and the list goes on and on. I cannot be something that I was never created to be. You are unique and special. I am unique and special. We are both wonderfully created with a purpose. I cannot be like you, and you cannot be like me. We are different and different is okay. Really! It is narrow-minded to assume that because I am not like you that I am unworthy of your time or that I need to change in order to fit into your pre-determined mould. I accept you for who you are and only expect the same in return.

Quite honestly, you don't have a clue whether we are welcoming to others or not. We don't have time for a lot of entertaining. We don't have much money for entertaining. The state of our yard and home often hinders us from entertaining. But none of those things are real indicators of whether or not we are welcoming to others! We have always welcomed Rick and Kent to drop by or to come over for a holiday meal. More often than not, they don't come and this has been going on for years. We would most certainly welcome you for a holiday meal or to drop by sometime, but you are judging us based on the busiest months of our year! You've only been in Vernon for 3 months...the same months that coincide with our busiest time.

Pat, in all honesty, we are concerned about you, especially in light of the behaviour that you continuously exhibit. One minute everything is fine, but the next minute you are flying off the handle at us because of something you think we did or didn't do. We are concerned for how all of this affects Payton. Does she really need to be the one to tell her Uncle that you don't want to talk to him ever again?!

You, Brent and Payton are family. You really have no idea how long Kane has wanted his family to act like a family; it has been many, many years! But as much as you are family, our first priority is to our little family of myself, Kane, Sam, Casey and Abby. We are more than willing to spend time with you and be what a family should be, but if you want to keep playing these childish mind games then you can expect to not see that much of us.

Angela

One Week

A lot has been happening around here. There is a lot to catch up on and I don't know connected my thoughts will be so bear with me.

Last Saturday, Kane and the kids hit a deer while driving on the highway to Vernon to help our sister-in-law put in a fence. I was at home baking with banana bread in the oven when the phone rang. When the voice identified himself as a member of the Vernon RCMP and told me that my husband had been in an accident my heart was seized by fear. A friend drove me to the Vernon hospital, brought me tea, kept me grounded, and brought my kids back home. Everyone was fine, but it was an experience that I don't want to go through again anytime soon. Kane has had some stiffness and pain in his neck and back but is healing quickly. The kids handled the whole thing much better than I had expected they would. Sam was thrilled to ride in the front of the ambulance and got a kick out of sharing a birth date with the RCMP officer asking him questions. Abby was worried about the deer suffering and wondered why it had a blue tongue. Casey found reason to boast about being the only one in the family to have been in two accidents. I was the one most upset by the whole situation, because I wasn't there and didn't know how everyone was until I arrived at the hospital. It was a long day!

Our sister-in-law was very helpful through it all. She made some phone calls for us to the tow yard and drove us to the tow yard and to a car rental agency. It was rather disappointing and frustrating then to have her ignore our phone calls over the next few days. She finally talked to Kane on the phone the other day and let him know how disappointed she was in us! She was upset that the kids didn't want to go to her house but chose to be taken home. I appreciated her offer to take the kids to her house while I waited at the hospital for Kane to have x-rays taken and to be released, but when I asked the kids their preference they chose to go home. Honestly, I can't say that I blame them. They had just had a rather traumatic experience and just wanted to be where they would feel safe and comfortable, and the sister-in-law only had one bench in her van so transporting all five of us would have been a problem. She also went on about the fact that we don't spend enough time with her.

This is a soap opera in the making, but it doesn't make much sense without a bit of history first. Brent and Pat have a rocky relationship and have never lived too close to Kelowna. They just bought a house in Vernon in March in anticipation of Brent's retirement from the air force. Brent is not quite finished yet though, so he is still working in Victoria while Pat and their daughter now live in Vernon. That is the extremely condensed Reader's Digest version, sanitized and censored.

Pat is weird. I think that there are some mental health issues going on there, too. I don't know but spending a lot of time with the in-laws isn't high on my list of things to do. It doesn't help that they once told Kane that they didn't like me, didn't want to get to know me, and thought that I had to change to make them feel comfortable and jump through whatever hoops they wanted me to. Still, I'm mature enough to suck it up and spend time with the in-laws, to bite my tongue and swallow my pride. I knew this would happen when she moved to Vernon...that she would expect us to spend a lot of time with her. She just doesn't seem to understand that we have busy lives and we really don't have free time from April to the end of June. This isn't something new this year; we've been involved with baseball for years now and if she paid attention to us at all she would realize that. Instead, she is upset that we don't just cancel a practice in order to have dinner with her. I'd shake my head but it hurts too much to do that. We don't have all that many practices now, but we have games almost every night. We let her know when we had games in Vernon so she could come and watch and spend some time with us, but she backed out at the last minute.

I'm really trying not to let her upset me too much, but her attitude about last Saturday is quite frustrating. We appreciated everything she did for us, and we thanked her many times. It isn't our fault that she bought all sorts of things for Kane and the kids for a breakfast that they never got to eat. They never asked for a deer to jump in front of the van. The kids like their aunt and cousin well enough, but there is not a super-tight relationship there. Who wouldn't want to go home in this situation? They were driven home by someone who has been my friend for 19 years and knows my kids better than their aunt and uncle. I'm sorry that I wasn't in a position to be thinking very clearly, but I had a bit of a shock to my system, too.

It's been a long and stressful week. Kane has been off work all work on doctor's orders, but I am so glad that he is feeling better every day. I found it extremely frustrating that our doctor seemed to be more sympathetic and proactive about Kane's accident injuries than he was or has been about mine.

I had to call my insurance adjuster on Tuesday to let her know what I thought was a fair and reasonable settlement amount. She didn't laugh at me, but she did say that it was significantly more than she was prepared to pay out. She said she'd review my file and get back to me on Thursday. So, she called me at work on Thursday to tell me what the management team felt my claim was worth. $10, 000 plus receipted expenses which would bring the total to about $12, 000. I think I feel insulted and most definitely depressed by that offer. How much is 8 months of constant headaches and recurring back pain worth? How much more is it worth when the headaches and back pain are still occurring? Certainly it should be worth more than what they offered. I told her that I'd have to think about it, and she expects me to call her back next week. I'm thinking that I should talk to a lawyer and get some experienced advice; I just don't know when I'll have time to do that.

My work schedule last week and for the coming week is heavier than what I am used to and really wanting. A week and a half ago, I worked a couple of hours on the sandwich bar station which is something that I have gone to great lengths to avoid since my accident. There is a reason that I have avoided that task...it makes my back hurt! I should have known better but I did it anyway, because I get weary of trying to avoid those tasks and sometimes I just can't avoid it. I've been paying for it ever since. This past Wednesday my back was in so much pain that I went home from work after only an hour and a half. I managed to work a full shift on Thursday, but my headache spiralled out of control and was the worst it has been for a while. As a result, I called in sick for Friday, took a muscle relaxant to help me sleep, and spent most of Friday sleeping it off. That's another thing...I haven't been sleeping well for quite a while either. It doesn't matter how tired I am. I am so physically exhausted. It isn't uncommon for me to go to my chiropractor appointment in the middle of the afternoon and to nearly doze off while laying on the bed waiting for my turn. I am so tired but when I go to bed I lie awake for an hour, two hours and then sleep fitfully. The muscle relaxant seems to help me sleep sometimes, but it isn't something that I want to depend on. I guess I should go see my doctor again.

I have felt like I have been on the verge of becoming sick for weeks and weeks now. I'd wake up with a touch of soreness in my throat but nothing has ever come of it. It's quite surprising that I have stayed as "healthy" as I have since I have become battle weary from the constant headaches and the less than stellar sleep. However, I think I am finally losing the battle. The soreness in the throat is a little worse. My nose is a little stuffy today, and there's a touch of a cough. I just want normalcy, to be better and healthy and head-ache free! I can feel myself slipping into depression once again.

And tomorrow is Mother's Day. I try not to hold onto any expectations. We've had baseball tournaments every Mother's Day for the past 8 years and this year is no exception. I don't ask for much, just to have love and appreciation demonstrated in some way that shows intent and purpose. Mostly I am left disappointed. I don't expect anything different this year.

Snow Day

It is mid-April yet we awoke to snow on the ground and falling from the sky. I knew this was a possibility last night as I huddled under my sleeping bag while watching Sam play baseball in the cold, the wind, and the off and on again snowflakes. I can now say that we have had baseball in all kinds of weather: sun, rain, hail, wind and now snow! Thankfully, today's game and practice have been cancelled and quite probably tomorrow's as well. While I hate the loss of games, I am not keen on becoming a walking Popsicle. I've been cold enough this week already.

Instead of watching a ball game today, we will be watching the Environmental Mind Grind competition inside the mall. Abby is participating on her school's team, so we have been instructed to cheer loudly. She has been studying for quite some time, and we'll all release a sigh of relief when this is over and we no longer have to listen to questions about water cycles, pollution and recycling.

In other news:

Baseball season has begun. Sort of. It feels like the season has started only to be stuck in a rut as we are still waiting on schedules for several divisions and some things do not yet feel fully set. It will all work out in the end, but in the meantime we are still kept busy at the ballpark.

I still have this eternal headache. My doctor is referring me to a physiatrist...a rehabilitation physician. I'm glad that my doctor is actually appearing to do something even if I have no confidence that a physiatrist will be able to help. My chiropractor did some kind of new scan thing on me a couple of weeks ago. The results were better than expected and yet unsurprising in many ways. The scan measured five different things. My pain threshold is very strong; I aced that test! Of course, I didn't need a test to tell me that I can tolerate a high level of pain. The two problem areas are muscle tension in my neck and lower back (big surprise-NOT!) and a lot of mumbo-jumbo to say that I am physically exhausted and worn out from dealing with this pain and trying to heal. My ICBC adjuster is trying to tell my chiropractor that my current problems are a result of a pre-existing condition. Ha ha! Sarcasm is oozing out of my pores, so I won't say anything further about that except for grrrr!

And it is still snowing!

You know you're bored when...

the ipod shuffle clipped to your collar reminds you of a Star Trek communicator when you reach up to skip to the next song!

Just a Practice

From my journal last night:

Today was Sam's final hockey practice of the season and maybe his "career". With body checking coming to Kelowna Minor Hockey Association next year, Sam has decided that he won't be playing anymore. In one breath, I am relieved. We can barely afford a season of hockey, so it will be nice to not have that expense next year. However, I am already struggling with emotions more powerful than I anticipated.

With Casey and Abby having activities on Tuesdays these past several weeks, I have not attended Sam's practices since mid-January. Thankfully, everything worked out tonight and I was able to watch Sam's final practice.

Bittersweet! I watched Sam skate and dangle, shoot and score, and laugh with teammates, while I marvelled at Sam's smoothness and speed. He isn't the best player, but he has improved so much over the years and has an easy, smooth motion that I simply love to watch. In practice, he has so much more confidence in himself; I wish he'd carry it over into a game more often. I am biased, of course, although I am also realistic about Sam's abilities. He'll never make it to the NHL, but he's come a long way from the 9 year old kid who didn't know how to skate!

The last half of the practice was a scrimmage between the two teams sharing the ice. The final five or ten minutes had every single player involved, including two goalies in each net! The goalies had a blast, able to skate way out and get into the action in a way that they never could in a real game. It looked like so much fun! That was the moment when I realized that I should have brought my camera. I had considered it before we left the house but opted not to. When will I learn to listen to that little voice?

I know that I will miss hockey in the years to come. There will always be the WHL and NHL, but as good as they are, they don't compare to sitting in a cold arena watching my son play. I love hockey! I grew up carrying my dad's goalie pads and watching him play all over southeast Saskatchewan. There is just something about hockey played in small, old arenas that feels like home to me. I know that I will miss it, but I was still surprised at the emotional onslaught I've been feeling ever since the practice started. I cannot believe that tears are welling in my eyes as I write this. Crying over an end to hockey practices!?

We have our year end tournament this weekend. Only four, a long shot chance for five games, and then no more. Ever. I'm pretty sure I'll cry.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Who Am I?

There is a song by Margaret Becker that goes something like this:

'Who am I, Jesus, that you call me by name? What could I ever do to be loved this way? Who am I, Jesus? In Your eyes, tell me, who am I?'

There is another Margaret Becker song that goes like this:

'You see, I'm looking for the You that used to speak so clear. I'm looking for the me that had a heart to hear and I'm looking for the passion that held me here on the edge. Find me, find me. I'll wait for You.'

I am in a snarky mood this morning. My headache has been a little stronger for the past few days and it is taking its' toll on me. I am physically and emotionally tired. A couple of months ago, I felt weighed down by depression and struggled to fight my way through it. Then there was sunshine, and I felt lighter than I had in months. Not so today.

Sometimes I wonder who I am, where I am going and what the heck I am doing. Most of the time, it feels like I don't have a clue as I go through the motions of life. If I peeled away all the layers what would remain?

I am a wife and mother and sometimes there seems to be little distinction between the two. My husband is not perfect, but he is a great guy and I am blessed. My kids are not perfect, but I love them intensely and again I am blessed. I am not always a great wife or mother. It is far too easy to look at someone else and see "perfection" and then look at my imperfections with disgust. Casey is quite adept at throwing poisoned arrows into my heart, little lies that tell me how terrible I really am.

I am a friend to some, I think and hope, but this is where my insecurities grow and bloom. I have never been the social butterfly type of person. My close friendships have always been small in number. I'm okay with that most of the time. The older I get though the more I want friends that know me, the real me that tends to hide away behind the mask of the day. I treasure my handful of good friends. And yet, here I am grieving the loss of a friend. Still.

I am an employee who works hard and does all that is required of me to the best of my abilities. I go to work and do my job and try not to get swallowed up in workplace gossip and conflicts. There are co-workers that I thoroughly enjoy working with and some that I have learned to get along with. I enjoy the work and the pace. I do not enjoy the customers who think I am retarded because of where I work, and I am not eager to climb the ladder even though they try to put it right in front of me.

There are so many little labels that I can stick on my back: chef, housekeeper, chauffeur, bookkeeper, personal organizer, slave driver, and so on.

If you strip all those things away what is left?

Where am I going with this? I don't even know that anymore! When my head hurts I find it a little difficult to focus, which means I've been out of focus for nearly six months! No wonder everything is blurry! ;o)

Seriously though, my head does hurt and whatever train of thought I was on has derailed. I just want to cry and I can't articulate why, and maybe I don't really want to, even if I could. There's always hope though.

And another Margaret Becker song, taken from scripture...

'Once I was far away but now my life is found in You. Once I was without hope but now I have a vision of heaven. Fallen from grace, by faith lifted up. Now I believe no height, no depth can keep us from the love of Christ. No life, no death, no trial can tear us from the love of God in Christ. How wonderful the love our Father God has given us that we could still be called children of God.'

Shameful

I did find the article on the end of friendships; turns out I hadn't tossed that magazine yet! I wish I could post a link to the article online, but I was unable to find the exact same article on the Chatelaine website.


Reading the article and reflecting on my own situation once again, I have been able to put a finger on some of the feelings that have rolled through me: insecurity, sadness, shame, loneliness, anger. Some feelings were quite obvious (sadness, pain and anger), while other feelings were more elusive and difficult to figure out. Shame was one that I didn't recognize until reading this article, but it was there all along.


My mom and I went to a Pampered Chef party last Monday night. As much as I was looking forward to the party, I knew that there would be a measure of discomfort for me as my estranged friend would also be in attendance. Such a situation would have eaten me up with anxiety in the days leading up to such a meeting, but I'm past the worst of it now. I knew it wouldn't be the most comfortable situation, but I did not dwell on it. I've given up on any expectations in terms of this relationship. There was no hello, no smile, not even a nod of the head. No acknowledgement of my presence in any way, and in a way I was glad.


The biggest problem for me was realizing that I would have to explain to my mom what has transpired over the past few years. My mom lives with me, and I have never said a word about anything in this situation. I realize now that my silence was a product of my sense of shame and insecurity, misguided as that may be. So on the drive home, I finally told my mom the Reader's Digest condensed version of everything. My control broke and tears clouded my vision. The pain was instantly fresh and deep; the shame was in full bloom.


My mom is a wise woman, and she told me truths that I know in my head but struggle to believe in my broken heart. It was so good to hear those truths again, to be reminded once again that I am loved and that being rejected was based on my friend's insecurities and shame rather than on my character. I know this, I know it, I do! But, sometimes I forget, because I can hear and see, inside my head, the words and actions that seek to destroy.

Catching Up, Moving Forward

I have two kids home sick from school today. Casey and Abby have both been giving us various complaints of coughs, sore throats, aches and pains for the past week, but until this morning they seemed relatively fine. Being sick is never convenient; however, this is one weekend where sick kids can only create huge wrinkles in our plans.

Sam has a hockey tournament in Grand Forks this weekend. In fact, his coach picked him up about half an hour ago. Kane, Casey and I were planning on heading out first thing tomorrow morning, after dropping Abby off at her friend's for the rest of the weekend. I'm not adverse to dragging the kids to Grand Forks (provided that they are feeling somewhat better, of course), but Abby would be most disappointed to miss her sleep-over and so would her friend.

This sleepover has been in the works since the beginning of the year when Abby's friend celebrated her birthday with a sleepover party. Unfortunately, a couple of hours into that party, the friend and her sisters all got sick and Abby had to come home. This weekend's sleepover is supposed to be the continuation of that aborted birthday party. I guess we'll play it by ear and see how things are looking in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~

I took Abby for a haircut yesterday as we were all getting frustrated with the rat's nest growing on the back of her head. As I sat waiting, I flipped through a Chatelaine magazine and came across an article that I had read at home in my own copy of the same magazine. I know that I read the article, but I don't think that I read it as thoroughly as I did yesterday. In all likelihood I have already discarded the magazine (it was a few months old); however, I will have to search for it online as the article was meaningful to me. The exact title eludes me, but the article was about the death of female friendships.

Oh boy! Is that ever relevant to me!

I am kind of cursing my stupid brain though for all the holes that let precious information slip through like water through a sieve. There were several "ah-ha" thoughts in my head as I read the article but, by the time I was back home and able to put pen to journal, the lightbulbs had burned out and I sat with pen in hand staring blankly at the wall. There was a lesson for me in that article. I could almost feel the growth and healing as I read those words, and now I am struggling to remember what I was so excited about.

Frustrating!

~~~~~~~~~~

I went to see my doctor again the other day, not because I wanted to but because it was something ICBC wanted of me. Almost all of my personal doctor visits wind up being a colossal waste of time, and this visit was really no different. I could not get an appointment but, because my doctor also does walk-ins, I was told to drop in and be squeezed in to see him. Translation: drop in and wait and wait and wait. I brought a book and waited and waited and waited. He had me move my head and neck. No problems there but he has me do it anyway. I'm healing well and need to remember that it takes time! Yes, everything takes time and I seem to always be short of time.

The headache seems to be fairly stable and consistent, most of the time. I'd be happier without it, of course, but I no longer remember what it feels like to not have a headache. It is incredibly draining!

My lower back is less constant with its' pain. It comes and goes depending on my activity. It still does not like sitting in many kinds of chairs and benches, and activities requiring frequent bending are sure to cause me problems. Even washing dishes or spending a lot of time working at the kitchen counter is too much for my back; there is just enough bending required to make my back uncomfortable and sore.

~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesdays have become fright nights for us. Sam has hockey practices that night. Some weeks, he has practice from 5:30pm-6:30pm and some weeks from 6:45pm-7:45pm, but he needs to be at the arena a half-hour early. Abby now has indoor winter baseball training on Tuesday nights from 6:00pm to 7:45pm and needs to be there fifteen minutes early. Casey has recently begun basketball at school and games are on...Tuesdays! The games tend to start around 4:30pm and run until about 6:30pm. Naturally, each of these activities are in different parts of the city.

It has been three weeks since I've seen Sam's hockey practice. I've seen only a small portion of one of Casey's basketball games, and my back has protested every minute of sitting at Abby's practice. I'm not sure how long basketball will run for, but we could very well have this Tuesday night chaos for at least a month. I'd rather have the crazy, busy chaos of all the kids playing baseball on the same night than this current chaos. But, in some sick way I actually find some pleasure in the chaos.

~~~~~~~~~~

The boys brought home their report cards for term 2 yesterday. No big surprises. Casey received academic and work ethic recognition. Sam's report card was mostly good for him; his Social Studies mark dropped from a C to a C-, but most subjects stayed the same with a couple showing an improvement.

I snickered over some of the teacher comments though. Sam's TA (homeroom) teacher said, "Sam has had a very good term in Advisory. Sam participates well and he has had a generally positive attitude." Well, of course, he has done well and had a positive attitude...all they do in that class is watch movies! Currently, they are watching The Departed. Last week, it was Live Free or Die Hard. What grade 9 boy is not going to do well in a class like that?!

His metal and wood working teacher said, " Samuel is a capable student and has a very good grasp of the concepts taught this term. Keep up the good work in this area. Samuel, however, must use class time more productively and refrain from distracting others." Okay, this is my Sam we're talking about here! We are forever telling Sam to speak up more and to be less shy around others. When Kane read this comment, he practically gave Sam a high five, which is not to say that we are encouraging our children to be disruptive.

Yesterday was also parent-teacher interviews for Abby's school, and so I met with Abby's teacher. No worries, no concerns there! She is reading and writing very well. She is organized and focused and participates. She does well in math and so on.

Hockey Night in Vancouver

The first face off of the game.

Great save, Luongo!

The Canucks lost the game 4-3. It wasn't the outcome we would have liked, but we still enjoyed the game and the experience. We had awesome seats. You really can't beat Club seats in the third row! The seats were very comfortable; however, there was very little leg room, even less than at the movie theatres or the Rockets' games. The Club seats had little menus waiting on seats. You could order and pay for your food or drinks by simply waving the little menu to catch the waitress' attention. She'd enter your order into her little handheld thingamajig and take your payment. In a little while, another waiter would bring your order right to your seat! Wow! The choices were varied, but everything was expensive.

I called home a couple of times throughout the game knowing that Casey and Abby would be watching the game on TV. They both claim to have seen us, or more like Kane's bald head. It is quite possible that they did see us (or Kane's head); we were sitting below the main cameras, right by the blue line. It was exciting to share the experience with the kids over the phone, although I know that Casey would have much preferred to be sitting in GM Place instead of the living room!

I have been in the Calgary Saddledome (as it was called back then) on a couple of occasions as a youth, but I was still blown away by the size of GM Place. I think my jaw knocked against every step as we descended from the concourse to our seats. It was good that we chose to arrive early as it gave us time to gawk and get over our amazement before the game began. It would have been interesting to see the view from the upper levels, but I wouldn't have traded our seats for the world.

We were a little disappointed that the Canucks didn't play as well as they could, but it wasn't unexpected knowing they had just had a three game road trip out east. The Sedin twins weren't spectacular and Luongo wasn't as solid between the pipes as he typically is, but all the players we wanted to see play were in the game. Linden played well, and we were glad to see Mason Raymond play.

We didn't stay for Hockey Night in Canada's After Hours show, but we should have. We saw Kelly Hrudy and company immediately prior to the game, on the ice doing their spiel, and we saw the crew setting up for the After Hours show as we filed out of the arena. We should have stayed...it would have been easier than leaving at the same time as everyone else.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Protocols for Purging

I was asked about my purging strategies, so I guess I should answer. Do I have guidelines? I don't think I've ever really thought it out before, but maybe it is a good thing to do!

Clutter multiplies at an obscene rate, and I don't believe that I have ever reached the point of conquering it.

1. Everything should belong somewhere. I find that when there is no specific storage space for an item it becomes clutter in the blink of an eye. My kids have bins for most of their toys. They have a basket for important school papers. There are drawers, shelves, and bins for extra school supplies, batteries, cords for cell phones, ipods and cameras, and so forth. The biggest problem here is having everyone put things where the items belong! Many times it is simply easier for me to bang my head against the wall and then do it myself, but I keep trying to "educate" my family.

2. Overflow is not allowed. When my Tupperware cupboard overflows, it is time to thin it out. If Abby has more Barbies than room to store them all then she doesn't need to keep them all. Since Kane couldn't fit all his clothes into his dresser, I made him go through every single item under my watchful eye until he had 2 garbage bags of stained and ratty clothes, 1 bag of clothing suitable for the thrift store, and the rest of his clothes easily contained in his dresser drawers. He balked when I told him that he didn't need an entire drawer for his ratty work shirts and limited those shirts to only seven. Why keep two dozen "work shirts" when a) I do laundry at least once a week and b) he probably only actually wears two or three of them.

3. Be ruthless! Like Kane with his clothes, we all have things that we hold onto or are reluctant to get rid of for various reasons. We tell ourselves that we might need it someday or that it was a good deal and so on. No! In this round of purging, I finally released my grip on a number of clothing items that had been hanging in my closet for years untouched. One shirt hadn't been worn since Abby was a baby; she's nearly 10 now! I loved the shirt and it was a screaming deal when I bought it, but I don't know that I would ever wear it again and obviously I hadn't been wearing. Why keep it? While I haven't touched the toys yet this time, I do plan on being ruthless. My boys are old enough to not really play with toys anymore. I can't bring myself to get rid of the Lego, because I still like to play with Lego once in a while! ;o) However, I don't need to keep a bin of toy cars, a bin of action figures, a bin of soldiers, and so on. Even though Abby does play with toys still, she doesn't play with all that she has and could easily do with less. The same is true for every room in the house. Do we really need to keep bills from 10 years ago or receipts and warranties for products we no longer own? I don't think so.

4. Paper clutter is a big one around here. My kids enjoy using paper for crafts, for doodling, for writing secret codes, and they tend to accumulate a lot of paper. It drives me crazy! On the rare occasions that *I* clean their rooms, I always end up with at least one large bag of paper recycling from inside their rooms! We get notices and newsletters from school, church, work, and sports groups and the local free paper three times a week. Pertinent ones are kept. Old ones get tossed. Old magazines get tossed, even my beloved Canadian Living after I clipped out intriguing recipes. It is convenient for me as we have a recycling bin in a cupboard in the kitchen directly across from the computer desk. I throw stuff in there a dozen times a day. I invested in a cardboard organizer thing-a-majig. Sorry I can't think what it is properly called but it has shelves as if for sorting mail. You can buy different sizes, but ours has eight individual shelves. The kids each have one for important papers relating to school or sports. Kane has one for work papers and one for miscellaneous stuff but mostly baseball. I have one for miscellaneous, and there are two blank ones for nothing much at the moment. They are labelled, and I have to keep on the kids so they don't clutter their shelves with ipods, toys and junk.

As for triggers...I am not the kind of housekeeper who needs to have a perfect house. I would never pass a white glove test, and I'm not particularly bothered by that fact either. I would love it if my house were continually tidy but such is rarely the case despite my best efforts. For me, purging has become something that I just do regularly. From time to time I get called by Big Brothers asking if I have anything that they could pick up to take to Value Village. Even if I don't at that moment, I make a point of saying yes and never fail to come up with a few boxes or bags of stuff.

Our society teaches us that we need all sorts of things to survive and be happy, but that really isn't true at all. I couldn't get rid of everything I own, but I can do with a lot less. I've even been known to sift through my books as much as that pains me.

Purging & Pondering

My mantra for the past several years has been "simplify". While I do not believe that I am a packrat, I am constantly amazed at how quickly we seem to accumulate stuff, even though I regularly purge excess junk from the house. Junk multiplies like rabbits, I guess.

It has been several months since the last purging. Since I haven't done a whole lot of anything around the house since my accident, it has to have been more than four months. So far, I have accumulated roughly 100 lbs or more of stuff that we don't need or no longer use, and I haven't even started on the kids' rooms yet. Actually, there's a lot that I haven't touched yet, because I always run out of time or energy before I get around to the deeper recesses of the house.

I often wonder if I could survive going back in time about a hundred years or so when life was "simpler", or at least less cluttered! It's a toss up, I think. I do quite enjoy some modern conveniences like basic appliances, my computer, and the ability to watch TV or a movie; however, there is something appealing about working land, being mostly self-sufficient, and not having a life crammed to overflowing with junk and useless, needless things. It doesn't matter. I can't go back in time, but I will continue to wage this never-ending war against clutter.

While sorting through the boxes under my bed, I took the opportunity to read through some old cards and letters given to me by friends and family. There are two boxes of such mementos and treasures under my bed; it is a blessing to sift through them from time to time. This occasion saw me feeling more bittersweet than warm & fuzzy as I read several cards/notes from my now estranged friend.

I've also been reading through my old journals. I enjoy looking back, seeing my growth and seeing the ways that God has answered prayer or worked in my life or the lives of the people I care about. I'm currently reading through 2006/2007 which wasn't the best of years. As much as reading through all that pain renews the pain, it is still amazing to see that there has been growth and God has been working, even if it hasn't always been the way I hoped it would be.

Purging and pondering. Two seemingly random trains of thought, and yet...

Sometimes we need to clean house, dig deep and get serious about being free of clutter and all those things that weigh us down: physically, spiritually, emotionally. Looking back to see how far we truly have come encourages and challenges, spurs us to keep going.