Summertime

It is difficult to believe that the summer is already half gone. I am never left unsurprised by the rapid passage of time. For all those days that seem to drag on and on, there are so many more days that fly by at the speed of light, never to be seen again.

Our summer has been a busy one thus far, but I think it has also been a generally good one. We returned to the "joys" of All-Star baseball, with both Casey and Abby have busy baseball schedules in July. The All-Star season is always short and sweet but insane. Abby wrapped up mid-way through July, which was perfectly fine by us. She had fun and worked on improving her skills. Casey's team had a berth at the Provincials Championship, but they could not field enough players to actually go. Despite the team's poor showing at the Valley of Champions tournament, Casey played very well and impressed his coaches immensely. We heard many great compliments about Casey. Of course, we are always proud of him, but it was good for Casey to be injected with a boost of self-confidence.

Sam left town for two weeks, arriving back home last night. He had travelled to Creston and Cranbrook with his friend, to hang out with his friend's grand-parents and do a lot of fishing. They did do a lot of fishing! Sam brought home his frozen big rainbow trout. I thought it was huge in the photo he emailed to us, but it is even bigger in the flesh. Sam had a good time. Still, I am glad that he is home. I missed him.

Two weeks ago, Kane, Casey and I were all sick for several days. It was nasty, hit suddenly, and lingered. During that time, I saw the doctor about the continuing pain in my right calf, which turned out to be a strain. So much for my husband telling me to run past the pain! A break from the running was required for healing, and I had my first run just the other night. I took it easy and slow, but I still managed to run 2k without too much effort. It was good to get back to the running, and I cannot believe that I actually missed it. Those sick days disrupted my daily 100 crunches though, and I have not yet got back into the habit of doing them every day. I had done so well up until that day I was hanging over the toilet! I just need to crack down and get back to it. Just goes to show how quickly a good habit can be broken.

And now we are into August.

Sam and I checked his recently posted final exam marks online last night. He had only one final exam to check, but it was the most important one. His final mark for Socials 11 was a 47%, prior to the final exam. This course was required for graduation, and we were already anticipating the need to do some course changes at the end of this month, in order to get Socials 11 into his schedule again. But, Sam did better on his final exam than either of us anticipated, scoring 70%, which was enough to raise his final grade to a C-. It is by the skin of his teeth, but he passed!

In a couple of weeks, I will begin my serious training for the 5k, which is an 8 week program. I don't think I will have too much difficulty with the program. Up until my rest break, I was in already in the habit of running several times per week, and I had just recently increased my endurance to slightly more than 3k. The program starts with slightly more than a 2k run and gradually increases the distance each week, so that should be no big deal. I think the harder aspect will be doing the cross-training.

Back-to-school supplies are now lining the shelves of Wal-Mart, which means thoughts must soon turn to the prospect of another school year. I am both eager for the start of the school year and dreading it. Sam is starting grade 12, his final year of high school, and I feel at odds with the fact that he is reaching these milestones. It makes me feel old in a way that another birthday has yet to do.

Big Fish

Sam is out of town with his friend for two weeks. He's been gone one week already, and I miss him. I know he is having a great time and having wonderful experiences, including the one pictured above. He caught a 72 cm, 8.7 lb rainbow trout yesterday! That is one sweet-looking fish!





This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Canada Day

I had a relatively good day at work. The morning started out slowly, as holiday mornings tend to be, but business was hopping by 9:00 am and crazy by 10:00 am. Still, it was a good day. We had enough staff, I think, for the most part. It felt like a Saturday, because there were very few full-timers working. My feet were quite sore by the end of my shift, but I will gladly take sore feet if it means a good day at work!

Tomorrow is another long day at work, although it might be a little busier earlier in the morning, as tomorrow is just another Friday. Of course, summer is now here, so there could well be changes to our typical rush periods. I don't mind being busy. I don't even mind a bit of crazy, so long as we have good workers with good attitudes and work ethics. As long as everyone is getting along and working hard, I don't mind being run off my feet. Whether or not tomorrow will be a crazy day is any one's guess, but it is eight hours of work, followed by four days off. I can handle that!

Today is Canada Day, the birthday of my fine nation. There won't be any celebrating by me tonight; I'll be in bed within an hour. Abby is going to enjoy the fireworks with a friend. Sam is going to enjoy the fireworks with a friend. Kane and Casey are going to stay home and watch a movie or two. I hope to be sleeping soundly by the time the first rocket goes up, regardless of whether I could actually hear the noise or not.

Eight hours of work until my long weekend!

Last Day

Today was the last day of school, and the last day of having a child in elementary school! I should probably feel a little emotional about that, but I just don't have any tears to shed today. This is a milestone, I know, and I suppose there is a measure of sadness that this chapter of our lives is finished. And yet, I feel more gladness and relief than sadness. Our years at Glenmore Elementary were good years, but I am ready to move onward and upward. I say that now, fully realizing that my feelings may change come September and my daughter's first day of middle school.

I am a little surprised about my emotionless state. Usually I do get emotional about such things. Perhaps I would have been choked up and swiping at tears had I gone to the year-end assembly this morning, but I felt quite crummy physically and stayed home.

The report cards were generally good, except for one subject on Sam's report card, which is a very loud and obnoxious 'F' in Social Studies. His mark is dependent upon his final exam mark, which we will not know until the end of July; however, I strongly doubt that his exam mark will be anywhere close enough to raise his mark above the fail mark. This means he will need to waste a day, maybe more, at the end of August, trying to make the repeat Social Studies 11 class into his schedule. He did plan for a spare next year, so he has an empty block to play with, but we still must hope there is a Socials 11 class during his spare block, or hope that any required juggling doesn't adversely affect his chosen courses for the year. Regardless, he will have a heavy year of school ahead of him, especially if he wants to graduate on schedule.

And that is something that can throw me into a bit of a panic if I allow myself the time and space to think about it...Sam will be entering grade 12 in the fall and graduating next spring! How can that be? It feels like only a few years ago that I graduated from high school. I certainly don't feel old enough to have a child graduating! But I guess this is my 20th grad anniversary. I feel so old.

Goal!

I registered this morning for a 5k race in October. Maybe I am crazy, but I think I am looking forward to the challenge...and finishing the race! I have realized that I need a tangible deadline or target to reach for, otherwise I am too easily distracted by how I am feeling or all the things that need doing apart from exercising. Running 5k has been my fitness goal for the 26 week weight-loss challenge that I have been taking part in since the start of the year. Here I am in the middle of week 24, and I have not given that goal any serious attention.

Kane and I went for a jog last night. Our route covered just over 4k, but I did have to walk the last kilometre or so. Still, that is not too shabby for someone who really hasn't run more than 1.5k at one time! I didn't blaze any trails yet. Our start to finish time was about 45 minutes, although I am sure that last walking kilometre would have been faster had we jogged. Had I jogged that last kilometre though, I doubt that I would be able to move today. My hips were feeling quite strained by that point. And yet, my hips don't feel too badly today. There might be hope for me yet!

Hooray for the Weekend!

It has been a long day but a good one. Actually, the entire weekend has been long, busy, but good.

It all began Friday night with Abby's baseball game. We finally had decent weather, and the girls played a good game, even though we ultimately lost. Abby had an awesome hit for a double after a bit of a batting slump.

Yesterday was another sunny and beautiful day for Casey's double-header baseball games. His team played well, except for a couple of horrible plays, and soundly won both games. Casey pitched to start the second game, and he did an amazing job! I think it was the best pitching he has ever done, and he was only pulled from the game to save him for our game Monday night. Casey needed that boost of confidence.

After being at baseball most of the day, we came home and got to work on our renovation project. I put on the first coat of paint on the dining room wall. The red is a drastic change, but it looked great, even for only the first coat.

Today was another hot and sunny day. Abby and I finished painting the kitchen and dining room. There is still the ceiling, baseboards and trim to paint another day. Then Kane had to umpire a baseball game this afternoon, so I tagged along to watch the game.

I love the red paint! It really changes the look and feel of the kitchen, and it just feels fresh and exciting. And it looks great! Next up on the to-do list is the flooring.

But I have to go to court tomorrow for jury selection!

NOW

So, I just found out what NaBloPoMo's theme for June is, because I have a new email address and forgot to update my account there. The theme is NOW.

I am ready to finish this renovation NOW! I can almost see the finished product in my mind, and I am so eager to see it in reality. The drywall is up, and I am planning on painting on Sunday. First I need to do some wall prep...washing, some light sanding, taping. Even a few days ago, I was not looking forward to painting. I am not overly good at it, and I am not enough of a perfectionist to care about doing a perfect job. But today, right now, I want to paint!

I almost want to stay up late tonight to start on the prep, but I won't. Not tonight. We'll be spending about 6 hours at the ball park tomorrow, but I will do my prep either in the morning or in the evening, so that Sunday is all about the painting.

Weary Wednesday

Waking up has been hard to do for a while now, but fatigue has weighed especially heavy on me today. It is not atypical for me to hit the snooze button when my alarm rings at 7:00 in the morning, but that is just a reaction to the rude awakening and not a desire for a few more minutes of sleep. I hit the snooze, get out of bed, put on my glasses, and shut off the alarm. Until today.

The alarm rang. I hit the snooze button and fell asleep until the alarm rang again, and even then I could have easily fallen asleep again. I didn't, but I could have.

All day long I have felt so tired and drowsy. At 1:30 pm, I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes. I wish that I could say that I had a good nap, but I didn't. Not really. I might have dozed lightly for maybe 10 minutes, but I was still half aware of the noises made by Kane in the kitchen and the traffic outside. Then I was definitely awake. My exhaustion had not been sated, but I had at least achieved a measure of alertness, which could either be seized upon or ignored. I ignored it for a few minutes more before getting out of bed and putting myself to work.

My afternoon was a little more productive than the morning. I was able to do some purging and re-organizing in my bedroom closet, which helps me eliminate some clutter from the computer station. I cleaned the top of the fridge, removing dust and grime and more clutter. I tidied up the hall bookcase to make better use of that space and, you guessed it, eliminate more clutter. (Can you tell how much I hate clutter?) I also arranged pick-up next week for all the bags of excess clothing, shoes, toys, books, and stuff that we no longer need.

Undoubtedly I will awake still tired tomorrow and Friday morning, but I will go to work and make the most of my hours there, desperately hoping for a lack of drama and attitude. Saturday can be a sleep-in day, followed by a baseball double-header. Maybe I can start painting on Sunday? Monday will see me in court for jury selection. Whether or not I am selected will remain to be seen, but I would relish the opportunity, I think.

Wake-Up Calls

It was incredibly hard to get out of bed this morning. My alarm rang at 7:00. I swiped at the snooze button and tried to keep my eyes open without yet actually getting up and out of bed. A few minutes passed before I finally dragged my body out of bed, knowing that I had to get up even if all I wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep.

I slept well enough, although I was awoken by the ringing of the phone at 6:00 AM. As I dashed for the phone, sans eye-glasses and with night-guard in my mouth, I knew who was calling, and I was not pleased. Of course it was my workplace calling to see if I could possibly come into work this morning, like for 7:00 or 8:00, but the earlier the better. I said no, without a shred of guilt, and stumbled back to bed, desperate to find my way back to dreamland as soon as possible.

I do not feel guilty about saying no, but I know that my negative response will not be looked on favourably by certain individuals at work. In the fall when it is time for my annual review, I know that this will be a topic that will be broached, a guilt-trip heaped on me to be more available to my slave-drivers. Naturally, they always seem to forget all the times that I do come in on a day off to cover a shift or come in earlier or stay later than scheduled. Last week, I stayed later for both my shifts. On Victoria Day two weeks ago, I came in two hours early after a 5:00 in the morning phone call! I realize that they usually only call when they are in a bind and need someone to come in, but what they don't seem to realize is that I do my best to be flexible and organize my life around my schedule.

Since I never know what my shifts will be more than a week and a half in advance, I am often forced to plan my appointments and errands on short notice around my schedule. If I am scheduled to work Thursday and Friday, then I will fill up my days off with everything that needs doing. I do not want full-time hours and this has been clear from the day I was hired. I think that I have been good about helping out my employers and co-workers when necessary. Sure, I may not always say yes to covering a shift, but I have said yes just as often as I have said no. And it is a little bothersome to know that all the good I have done is forgotten or ignored the moment I do what is best for me instead of the store.

Yes, I have seen first-hand how management reacts when someone "lets" them down, and it disgusts me. There is not a lot of respect floating around our workplace lately, which makes saying yes that much harder. It is bad enough going to work for a scheduled shift and being inundated with complaining and petty attitudes as soon as I walk in the door. Who wants to work in an environment like that? Do I really want to sacrifice a day off to subject myself to that? I don't think so.

It might seem selfish to my co-workers that I do not want to give up my days off so readily, but this is my life and this is how I want to live it. If I want to be home for my kids after school, that is my perogative, my right. If I only want X number of hours of work each week, then don't be surprised if I am not keen to add more hours to my schedule. Saying no is often difficult for me, and I have been taken advantage of many times.

In general, I think I am doing okay lately, healthwise, but sometimes I wonder. My little blue anti-depressant doesn't seem to give me the same vigor that it did way back at the beginning, and I look back at those early days and miss the energy, the refreshed awakening each morning. Part of me wonders if my groggy mornings are an indication that the depression is rearing its' ugly head. Or am I just exhausted from the busyness of life? I have more energy than I did before the pills began but not as much as I did in those first few weeks. Depression or not? Sleepiness has been hitting me hard the past few nights, earlier than what I have become accustomed to, and a good night's sleep never seems to be enough. I don't want to sink into depression, not like I was before, even though it was never severe. But I feel okay. There are no major dramas or upsets in life, outside of work, at least nothing fresh. There are plenty of stale dramas lurking in the shadows, but they are not on stage at the moment. Or so I think.

And now my eyes are heavy. My arms feel leaden, my fingers swollen. It is late and time for bed. No early morning phone calls, please!

Excavating Artifacts of an Ancient Friendship

I did something last week that I did not think I would ever do again. I mailed a note card to a former friend, one that I have not had any communication with for a couple of years, at least, and that was one-sided communication. That previous attempt to bridge the gap between us was my last hope. There is only so much that can be done when one party refuses to communicate and chooses to close the gate and raise the drawbridge. A wounded heart can only take so much. I reached out in vain and was content, for lack of a better word, to allow this former friend's silence signify the end of our relationship.

I had not planned on any further attempts at communicating. Why would I want to rip open scars still not wholly healed? However, I think God had other plans for me, but that really isn't too surprising. Most unexpectedly, I felt the need to set pen to paper and compose a card for this estranged friend. What I was to say I had no idea, but I thought there would be no harm in writing a note; I didn't have to actually mail it, I reasoned. My mind was blank. There were no words to write aside from her name. After all, this wasn't my idea in the first place!

And then it happened. I wrote, found words I didn't know were lurking within, and the more I wrote, the more confident I felt about mailing the card. It was a weird feeling but a good one, yet it wasn't until I was writing in my journal about the experience that I fully grasped the truth of the situation.

The card was for my old friend, but it was also for me, maybe even more so! For a long time I have been struggling to reconcile my feelings of the past with the present. There are so many good and wonderful memories to be found in the history of this friendship, but there are also painful memories, sad and bittersweet. And of course, there is no longer the friendship that was once so precious and dear to me. The end of the friendship was not a clean break. I can produce several hypotheses for why the relationship ended, but they would only be my own speculations based on my own feelings and perceptions. As much as I believe in my own understanding, I am realistic enough to know that I can imagine intentions that may not exist, but all I have to work with is my own thoughts, since my attempts to discuss the problems have yielded no actual discussion. It is precisely this uncertainty that fans the flames of my turmoil. How should I feel about our history when someone that was once as close as a sister can so casually toss me aside?

The words that flowed from heart to paper were simply expressions of love for the friend that I once had and an understanding that our history together was important to me and in the shaping of who I am today. Even if I may at times wish to erase those memories, I cannot and would not. I can choose to look at those memories with fondness, perhaps a measure of sadness, too. Just as I would mourn the death of a friend, I mourn the death of this friendship. A physical death would cause me to hold the artifacts of friendship close to my heart. They would be pulled out from time to time, caressed and looked at with fondness, memories flooding my heart with sadness and joy. This friendship may no longer exist, but I can choose to view the artifacts of this relationship in the same manner.

I mailed the card. A response would be unexpected, and I know better than to expect one in any form. But it does not really matter. Mission accomplished! I have a new peace about this situation now, and it feels right.

Renos

So the dining room wall is entirely gone, as is the ugly green shag carpet that was in the dining room since the dawn of time. I am so glad to see that carpet go! The computer desk has been moved, and wires, almost all of them, re-run out of sight. We are waiting on the electrician to move a couple of wires and put in a new electrical outlet.

This morning, Kane and I went to Home Depot and Costco to look at our flooring options. We had previously settled on a vinyl laminate at Home Depot which was about $54 for 24 sq. feet, on sale for 10% off. At Costco, we found laminate on sale for about 20 cents cheaper per sq. foot, so we were suddenly contemplating this as a better option. We went back to HD to double-check and weigh our options. The laminate was cheaper, but it would also present more hassle and work, with the risk of permanent damage if liquids were spilled. The vinyl laminate eliminated much of the hassles and risks, plus we had more selection of styles. The particular style we were most interested in was not available for ordering, but we found one style that had no visible sample on display which was on sale for $35 per case (20 sq. ft.)! We came home with enough vinyl laminate to do the kitchen, dining room, hallway, bathroom, and front entry, with possibly enough to return a box or two.

I also picked up some paint chips, as I will be re-painting the kitchen and one of the dining room walls in a new colour. I have long planned on changing the kitchen wall colour to red from the current yellow. I think I found the shade I want.

Slowly but surely, things are taking shape and looking good.

Head Case

My head hurts, and that is putting it quite mildly. Actually, it feels like a giant vise is squeezing the back of my head to the point that the pain makes me feel like puking. I have not vomited yet, and likely won't reach that point, but that sick feeling is so real. At one point this afternoon, I felt particularly 'sick' with nausea and feeling too warm and too clammy. This headache has been raging since yesterday afternoon, and it was especially nasty last night while I tried to sleep. Sleep was interrupted repeatedly, including an hour and a half session when I got out of bed to watch TV in the hopes that the headache would be appeased by a change of location or position.

So, not only am I in pain, but I am also tired. My eyes feel swollen and heavy, filled with buckets of sand. Thinking is painful. Loud noises are painful, which is a problem in a house filled with noisy people. Life has been sucked out of me today, and I can only hope and pray that a good night's sleep lies before me and a headache-free day awaits me in the morning.

Laptops and Walls

My laptop arrived today, and I quite literally jumped and squealed like a little girl. In fact, I am typing up my blog on it right now. I love it, but it will take some getting used to how to use it and finding my way around the keyboard. My left pinky keeps hitting \ instead of the shift key, and the backspace key isn't quite where my fingers want it to be. I will adapt though.

I also no longer have a wall between my kitchen and dining room. What a difference a wall, or lack thereof, can make! The area already looks larger and more open, but I think it will look even larger and better once the flooring is redone, the walls repainted, the furniture moved around. It will take some time, as home renovations tend to do, but it will be worth it.

Email

Tomorrow is the end of an era, or so it feels like anyway. We are switching cable/internet providers, and tomorrow is the big day. Of course, this means waiting and waiting for the installation tech to arrive sometime between 8:00 am and 5:00 pm, so I am stuck at home for the day. The process will likely take a few hours, which means a stranger mucking around my house running cables and doing whatever it takes to set things up. Lovely.

The hardest adaptation, at least that I can anticipate, is the onerous process of coming up with new email addresses for everyone and making all the notifications and updates of the changes. Schools, church, sports teams, friends, relatives, Facebook, my blogs, all the places that send me/us regular emails, and probably a bunch of places that I won't even think about at the time...it's rather daunting!

And yet it is exciting.

Total Drama Island

I enjoy my job...most of the time. My job may not be glamorous or prestigious. I have no fancy degrees or post-secondary education, and I will never get rich doing what I do right now. And that is okay with me.

When I decided it was time to return to the workforce, I knew that I wanted to work somewhere that would give me the flexibility I wanted in order to continue to be a mom home for her kids. Putting my kids into daycare was never even up for consideration. When the kids were finished school for the day, I wanted to be there and needed to be there. There is always something going on after school: appointments, playing with friends, school sports, other sports or clubs.

I found what I was looking for in a job at Tim Horton's. My bosses are flexible with my schedule, which is the most important thing for me. They have also respected my abilities and invested in me by giving me more responsibilities. In September of this year, I will have worked there for 5 years, but it doesn't feel that long at all!

There are, however, moments when going to work is something I dread rather than look forward to. There are moments when I am at work and frustrated or upset by the situations swirling around me. For the most part, I am pretty good at letting issues slide off my back, even if they do ruffle my feathers for a little while. My philosophy is that I work to live instead of living to work, so I try not to let the problems at work seep into my life apart from work. I can have a bad day at work on Monday and have a great day at work the next day. Unfortunately, some of my co-workers think they are still in kindergarten, where learning to share and resolve problems are skills needing to be learned.

Yesterday, a co-worker, I'll call her A, made an angry motion and noises to which I asked what was going on. Her response was a mumble along the lines of 'having eyes in the back of her head', which made absolutely no sense to me and gave me no further insight into why she was suddenly angry. I stood there with a lost expression on my face, while she stalked off. I was later told by another co-worker, I'll call her D, that the problem was an assumption by A that D and I had been talking about A behind her back! When D told A that we had not talked about her at all, A said that she knew we were because she could see it in our eyes!

That little conversation was carried out away from my hearing, and A never once actually spoke to me about her perceived problem. Instead, A would not look at me or speak to me for the rest of the day. Hello?! I don't go running around talking about my co-workers with other co-workers, and at the time that this was supposed to have happened, we were busy serving customers and had no time for talking about anything. We most certainly were not talking about A!

This is the sort of drama that happens where I work from time to time, or rather more frequently than it should. Certain individuals get worked up over petty issues, and when there aren't enough real issues to complain about, they make some up, like "talking" behind one's back. It is almost funny. It would be funny if it weren't so terribly pathetic. This isn't why I go to work. I go to work to do my job, to do it to the best of my abilities, and to come home at the end of my shift, leaving the job behind. My life has enough drama and problems without bringing more home with me.

Today was mostly a better day, although I don't think that A ever really did talk to me. Oh well! I'm not going to lose sleep over it. If she wants to stress over her paranoia, then she can do as she likes. It's Friday, and I have a wonderful weekend ahead of me and better things to do with my time than stress over work.

Just Another Day in the Merry Month of May

Today was a productive day and a good day, because I usually have one or the other more often than I have both at the same time! Last night, I was not looking forward to today. I thought today would be a series of events with no time to even breathe properly. Today was my last day off work for a couple of days, and yesterday was spent at tennis from 8:30 AM until 3:40 PM. There were too many things on my 'To Do' list for today, that I feared I could not possibly fit them all in and still find time to relax.

I succeeded where I thought I might fail, but it did require postponing my trip to the library and putting off my shower to this evening instead of the morning. At the end of the day, and I'm not there yet, everything worked out better than expected, and I even had enough time and energy to make some cookies for the kids.

The laundry has been washed, dried and folded. My kitchen has been tidied, counters cleared and dishes washed. I went to Wal-Mart and Quality Greens for some groceries. I changed the burnt out tail light that I have been meaning to do for a couple of months. The kitchen floor has been swept. I watered my tomato plant, pulled a few weeds, snipped a couple of lilac sprigs to bring into the house, uploaded the photos that I took yesterday at Sam's tennis games, finished reading a book, baked cookies, and have supper prep finished!

It has been a lovely day. Now if only my throat would stop feeling so dry and scratchy and my nose would stop being so stuffy/runny...

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Blue Skies

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Weather or Not

Is that sunshine and blue skies I see? Will the sun stick around for the baseball game tonight? Will the thermometer climb above 10C today?

Casey was supposed to umpire a game tonight, but he is on crutches and unable to fulfil his duties. Abby was supposed to have the night off, but she has been called over to the 'blue' Halos team for a game tonight as they are short players. So, I will be at the ballpark, but I will be free to take pictures, read a book, play some tennis (if I can drag Sam along), relax, and just watch the game. I love keeping score, but it is also nice to have the freedom to simply be there.

Darkness Falls

Hey! I got an email from a friend, which was exciting until I opened it and read the message. It's not that the news was bad. It's just not very reassuring either, and I am not sure how to feel about it. I know that my initial reaction is to feel like I crossed the finish line in last place and bitterness is fast on my heels.

I have been waiting and waiting for an email, or any communication, from this friend for a long time now. The last time I heard from her was near the end of February. I know that I have emailed her a couple of times since then and mailed an actual letter, but I have still been waiting in the dark.

The frustrating part of all this is that I feel like I am constantly in the dark with this friend. I don't think it is intentional, but that doesn't make me feel any more comfortable about the situation. I will let my perfect veneer crack a little here. I am tired of being in the dark! I am tired of getting rare and cryptic emails that give me only a glimpse into what is going on in my friend's life. I am tired of replying to those emails and sending my own full of questions and comments that are never answered or returned. I am tired of picking at crumbs and telling myself that I am content with what has been given to me. I am not a greedy nor demanding person! I don't need constant approval or attendance from my friends, but come on! How much of this can a person take?

This email was once again short and cryptic. Apparently she was here in town, although I have no idea when that might have been or for how long. I so very seldom know when she is coming to town. She apologized for not contacting us (as in a group of friends), but she went on to say that this will become the new routine for her visits to town. She will stay in one spot and focus on one friend/family per trip to town.

I can understand and appreciate how stressful and crazy it is for her to visit with all her friends and family here every time they come to town. I get it! This is why I have refused to be one of those demanding friends. And yet, with this pronouncement, I know what that will mean for me...I am stuck in the dark again, still, basically permanently. I have never been high on her priority list for visiting. I would be blessed indeed to see her for an hour during a stint in town, and those precious times were rare. So, I feel resigned. What can I do?

I have tried to explain how I feel, and that didn't go so well. I was told that I need to squeak more, because the squeaky wheel gets the grease. There is truth in that, but squeaky wheels are also annoying and get greased out of that annoyance rather than out of regular care and attention. Because if you were going to grease a squeaky wheel, wouldn't you also make sure the other wheels were well-lubricated? Or is that just me?

And the email ended with the cryptic reference to a trip down south for 6 weeks. That's it-no more information than that. Okay. What trip? Why are you going there? I could email her and ask, but experience has taught me that those questions are seldom answered. Obviously some people do know the details, and I am not one of those people.

I don't mind the dark most of the time, but this is a little ridiculous.

Looking At Today

The day started with me feeling like a slug, but it has been a more or less productive day.

I coloured my hair, so I don't need to keep doing an internal freak-out over every newly spotted grey hair. I know this is only a temporary solution and it won't be long before I am once again spotting silvery strands, but I am mollified for the time being.

I walked 3.5 km today which was much needed and nice. I still don't get enough exercise, so I need to take advantage of what free time I get. As I am not working for the rest of the week, I should be able to fit in more exercise. Should is the key word there!

I baked a double batch of Deceptively Delicious brownies which are currently cooling on the counter. The recipe doesn't call for any icing, but I think I will use the icing recipe from the chocolate scones I made a couple of weeks ago. It is a simple icing recipe that isn't too heavy and would add a nice touch of sweetness to the brownies. Last time I made these brownies, I used all unsweetened chocolate, but this time I did half unsweetened and half dark. The kids will eat them, and I am happy that there are hidden goodies inside.

Casey has baseball tonight. Abby had baseball last night...in the freezing cold and wind! The sun is playing peek-a-boo through the clouds today, but I keep hoping that we'll have nice weather for the game. I don't want to freeze anymore! It's not good for my upper back/neck muscles, as they tense up and get very sore. At least this game is closer to home than the game last night in Summerland!