I was grouchy yesterday. I admit it.

There seems to be several factors which tend to influence my mood for the day. I am beginning to recognize those fire-starters, but I haven't necessarily learned how to snuff them all out before they are fanned into flames.

1. I did not sleep well the night before. I had just started to drift off to sleep, when Kane came to bed and woke me up. It was unintentional, but it is frustrating just the same. With Kane's sleep clinic rules, I have been going to bed before Kane, so that I can fall asleep before he comes to bed. At times that feels like flawed logic, but it is the pattern that developed over Christmas break when Kane started the rules and I was working several consecutive early mornings. In general, I am a deep sleeper, but the beginnings of sleep are rather delicate for me. I need darkness. I need quiet. Kane tends to fall asleep more quickly than I do, and he snores. So not a good combination if we go to bed at the same time!

With Kane's rule to stay up until late, I have been going to bed much earlier than my night-owl body would like. It had been working fairly well, that is until Kane began coming to bed much earlier than he should be. It's bad enough that I can hear him talking from the far opposite side of the house, through my closed bedroom door, but now I am pulled abruptly from the tentative early stages of sleep when Kane opens the bedroom door to come to bed. He tries to be quiet; it's just not quiet enough. And then I am wide awake. He falls asleep and the night noises begin.

It didn't help that I slept poorly Friday night, too.

2. I like order. I like rules and clearly defined borders and definitions. While I can enjoy fluidity and unscheduled events, I tend to lean heavily toward the the opposite. It is maddeningly frustrating to me to have a carefully constructed event turn into something chaotic and outside the scope of what was planned. Like Abby's birthday party yesterday.

The invitation said meet at the pool at 1pm and pick up at our place at 4pm. We ended up driving three invitees to the pool. One invitee didn't arrive at the pool until nearly 1:30. Another didn't show up at all. So much for RSVPing! Yet another invitee didn't attend the swim session and showed up at our house later. When the other girls asked where she was, she said that she had been at the mall. Okay then.

Kane gladly told several parents that they didn't need to pick their daughters up until 4:30 or even 5pm! I was not amused. I was even less amused when the last invitee finally left at 6pm!

This party wasn't my idea, and my input was not considered. I didn't want a party in the first place, and secondly, I didn't want one with 10 girls involved. My opinion didn't count. And that's frustrating, especially as the party was held on Sunday. It's just another day, but it is really the one day that I can relax with my family. I work Friday, Saturday and Monday virtually every week, so Sunday is the extent of my weekend. It's also our 'Family Night' day. So, no family night yesterday. No down time. No time to relax in my own space with my own family.

Kane might get all excited about people always socializing and getting together, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. But, I just can't be that kind of person all the time! I am the kind of person who needs space for herself apart from strangers and acquaintances. Sunday afternoon is kind of that time for me, and I get cranky when it is taken away.

3. I have very little patience or tolerance toward a certain in-law. It isn't the best, or correct, attitude to have, I know, but it is what it is right now. And when that particular in-law arrives when I am already cranky, then I quickly roll down that slippery slope of irritability. It's hard to feel any measure of grace toward someone who has been so arrogant and mean-spirited towards me. I know that grace isn't dependent upon a change in his attitude or behaviour, but I can only manage grace in small doses.

Feeling Out the Five Areas

I had just arrived home from a long, full day of work Saturday afternoon. My back was achy, my feet had been killing me for hours, I was exhausted, and all I really wanted to do was nothing. The sofa was calling my name. No sooner did I walk in the door than my husband told me that my friend had left me a message on Facebook, asking if I would like to go to a hockey game with her that evening. Kane then proceeded to tell me that he had already taken it upon himself to call my friend and let her know that I would most likely agree to going.

To be honest, I was not thrilled. In fact, I actually felt rather snarky and petulant. Angry thoughts swirled in my head, followed by internal grumbling and the strong impulse to stay home out of spite. I was not impressed that Kane had spoken for me. Did he not realize how tired and sore I am by the end of a Saturday shift?! After 8 hours on those hard floors, my feet are so sore that I can barely walk around my own house. But perhaps what bothered me the most was that Kane seemed to feel that I required his help or intervention in order to get together with a friend.

And I suppose that still rubs me the wrong way. I am a grown woman. I may be quiet and less outgoing, but I am capable of carrying on conversation with a friend or making decisions to go out with them. But I digress.

There I was feeling irritated with my husband for speaking for me without my consideration, sore and exhausted from the day, and feeling suddenly pressured to do something that had not been a part of my mental plans for the evening. I grabbed the phone and shut myself in the bedroom. I lay on my bed for several minutes, doing nothing but mentally arguing with myself and listening to the negative voices shouting to be heard. Eventually I called my friend, chatted briefly, and decided to go to the game. Decision made, I almost instantly felt lighter than I had just a few minutes earlier.

I had an enjoyable time at the hockey game with my friend. My feet didn't seem to hurt as much as they did when I got home from work. I was still really tired and had to stifle a few yawns during intermissions, but I am glad that I went. I talked about it with my friend-Kane's call and my feelings about that. It was good to talk to her about it; she's a good friend. Kane just wants me to be happy, which means that he wants me to be able to spend time with my friends. He didn't speak on my behalf out of anything but good intentions. And that is the 'light bulb' moment! It was the moment when I realized that I had captured a negative, harmful thought and dismissed it for what it was. I changed my thinking!

Okay, so it might not seem like such a big deal, but it is, really! The self-help depression program that I am working through, Bounce Back, focuses greatly on the '5 Areas Approach'. These areas are:

1. The current situation, relationship or practical problem.
2. Altered thinking.
3. Altered feelings/mood.
4. Altered physical symptoms/bodily sensations.
5. Altered behaviour and activity levels, including reduced activity, avoidance and helpful/unhelpful behaviours.

All of these numbers can have links between each other, and they very often have a cascading kind of effect, such as a negative situation that leads to negative thinking, which leads to bad feelings, actual physical symptoms, and then unhelpful behaviour. While I have recognized how true this vicious (or positive) circle can be, it wasn't until Saturday evening that I truly noticed just how true it is in my life.

I was tired and sore, and I came home to find that my husband had, in essence, pushed me to do something I hadn't anticipated doing. My first response was unhelpful thinking, which made me physically feel even more tired and sore and moody. What I wanted to do was to stay home, to avoid the activity that I felt pushed toward. Unhelpful behaviour. If I would have stayed home, then I would likely have felt guilty, angry, low, and so on. Those feelings would have further fueled my thinking with extreme and unhelpful thoughts, and so the vicious circle would continue.

Instead, I broke that negative cycle by choosing to go out with my friend. The time spent with my friend improved my physical well-being and emotional well-being. Talking with my friend helped me to recognize my unhelpful thoughts and change them. This kind of circle feels a lot better to be in!

There you have it-a light bulb moment. It's a step in the right direction.

Bouncing

Yesterday was my scheduled telephone appointment with the Bounce Back coach. It went well, not that I expected problems, and I was given the option of having more such telephone conversations or just skipping them altogether. I chose to skip them, and that is more of a personal thing than any issue with the coach or the program. I am really not much of a phone person anyway, and I am not much for talking about my problems in general, especially to strangers. It's one thing to type up a blog (that practically no one reads anyway), but it is something else entirely to put those thoughts into verbal form.

Besides, I would much prefer just to get all the work books that I am interested in and do them. I am able to admit that I am depressed now. I accept it, and I am willing to work towards making changes to how I think and react to unproductive things. The one-on-one coaching was okay, just not really my thing. And the coach was totally fine with that! I am not the only person who would rather just go it alone. Besides, I am able to call her should I ever feel the need.

The rest of my work books will arrive in the mail probably early next week. I am eager for them to get here, to get started on them. Perhaps I am almost too eager and will need to remember to take my time, to not rush the process.

Eating Well

We're surviving so far! I've tried a couple of new recipes which turned out just fine. The other day I made a carrot, beet and spinach slaw, which made me appreciate beets in a brand new way! Tonight I made black bean patties, which were good enough to make again sometime. I think I have personally eaten more fruit and vegetables over the past few days than I normally would have, and that can only be a good thing.

Raiding the Fridge

At some point in the near future, Kane will need to do a purge of the fridge and cupboards as part of his weight-loss challenge. With that and the state of my fridge in mind, I decided to clean out my fridge today after work. Kane's challenge was only that little nudge to get started on a task long over-due, because my fridge has been a mess for a while now. I had thought about cleaning it out last week, but then I decided to wait until a day closer to our garbage pick-up. Tomorrow is our garbage pick-up.

The fridge is now clean and looking rather bare without the myriad of half-full bottles of sauces and whatnot that one is always reluctant to toss until the grime on the bottle is several layers thick. The kids have commented on how empty the fridge is. Casey said that there was nothing to eat in there that didn't need to be cooked first!

And now I do need to fill it, at least partially, with good things, healthy things, like fruits and vegetables. It's not like we never have fruits and vegetables in the fridge. We do...sometimes past their shelf life, too! Okay, so Kane's challenge will prove to be a major challenge for us all.

One step at a time...

Chosen

Kane got the email tonight, and he has officially been selected for the Global Fitness challenge! We both had a sense that he would be selected, but we also had feelings of fear that he would be chosen! I know that sounds contradictory, but it is true. Even now, knowing that Kane has committed to four months of hard work, I am excited and happy for him but also slightly afraid of what changes we will face. Because, really, we will face those changes and challenges together, even though he is in this program and I am not! I did, however, sign up online for X-Weighted's National Challenge over the next 26 weeks.

So, ready or not, like it or not, we are works in progress!

Snowboarders!

Kane took the boys up to Big White for some night snow boarding. Sam had his first experience last night with the After-School Program. He had a blast and was very eager to get back up there. This will be Casey's first time snow boarding, so I hope he enjoys it as much as Sam did. I've just learned that the mountain is quite foggy tonight. Hopefully they will have a safe drive there and back and a good time irregardless of the fog.

Change is in the Air

Kane has applied for a weight-loss challenge through a local fitness club, and tonight we attended an informational meeting for all the applicants. Apparently, there are nearly eighty people interested in being chosen for the program, but only thirty will ultimately be chosen. All of the chosen ones will receive a four month gym membership, a personal trainer, nutritional coaching, and a lot of support. The grand prize winner will receive a year's membership, the outfit of the winner's choice from Lulu Lemon, a make-over and spa treatments from L'Aveda, and some undisclosed prize from some skin laser type company. Wow!

As we sit in the room listening to the information, I thought not only of how great that opportunity would be for Kane, but also how scary it would be if he was chosen for the program! I know that sounds a little contradictory, but I do have these mixed feelings. I was comforted a little to hear Kane say that he also had similar mixed feelings about it. Change can be down right scary!

It shouldn't be such a frightening thing to change. I mean, after all, we don't live in a vacuum. We are constantly living with change. We live with changes to our health, our families and other relationships, in our jobs, the colour of paint on our walls, our environment, the seasons, the weather, our city, our country, the world. Our tastes change. Styles change. Technology changes. Sometimes it seems that changes take place so quickly and so often that we feel as if we cannot keep up.

And yet, for all that changes so frequently in our lives, there are some changes that we look at with shaking knees and eyes as large as saucers. I know what that feels like, and how that kind of fear can shackle our motivation to a mountain of failure. This is me.

I want to change. I need to change. This isn't the me that I want to be; it isn't the me that I see inside. My goals are simple: lose 40 pounds, have a healthier diet and a more active lifestyle. It is simple but not easy.

I look at my goals and I tremble. I question my willpower, my endurance, my motivation. Depression has made even ordinary, daily tasks feel daunting. In this state of mind, I have a difficult time even wanting to go to the gym or do some exercises in the safety of my living room! The big picture is just that-a BIG picture! It is a lot to take in, even if the subject in the picture is not so big.

What I need to remember are the small steps, the individual pieces that fit together like a puzzle to create that final big picture. I love doing jigsaw puzzles, and I have a definite methodology to completing one. The bigger and more difficult the puzzle the better! If I can conquer a thousand piece puzzle in a day or two, then I think I can put together the pieces in a life-sized challenge of losing weight and getting into shape. Just put the pieces together one at a time, and start with the edges.

I don't expect to lose forty pounds by next week or even next month. It wouldn't be healthy or realistic; however, I think that losing that much weight by the end of 2010 would be a realistic goal. Forty pounds divided by twelve months works out to less than four pounds per month! I can do that, I know I can!

Change can be a good thing, even if we have to work for it. I need to remember that, and take a step at a time. Regardless of whether or not Kane is selected for that program, we both need to make changes.

BEST Effort

Sam does not enjoy school, and he often has difficulty putting the knowledge in his head down onto paper. At the end of the first term, he was failing Social Studies and English, both necessary courses for graduation!

One Sunday morning at church, Kane met a gentleman who is doing some work at a couple of schools. Kane talked about Sam with this fellow, and the offer arose for some free tutoring. We were naturally keen on the idea. So, Sam met with Nathaniel a couple of times in December to work on a Social Studies essay that Sam had to complete by the last day of school before the Christmas break.

The first session was easily two hours and could have gone longer. Sam came home with some writing to do before emailing a copy back to Nathaniel for proof-reading. An email came back with a few more suggestions resulting in yet more laborious writing. There was another face-to-face session, and then Sam had to put everything together before handing in his assignment.

Sam's Socials teacher must have scanned his essay when Sam handed it in that last day of school, because he told Sam that he had "ripped it!" I had to ask Sam what the teacher meant by that, which illustrates how far removed I am from youth. Sam assured me that it was a positive comment.

Yesterday was Sam's first Socials class since the break, and he came home with his marked essay. 6 out of 6! The hand-written comments written in the margins were exciting to read. It was obvious that the teacher was impressed with Sam's effort; I know that I am impressed!

Walking on Sunshine

It's a beautiful day today with a blue sky and sunshine. I'd go out for a walk if the sidewalks weren't covered in slush. I have strong feelings of dislike for slush and walking in it! So I will enjoy the sunshine through the windows, glad to see the sun after several gloomy days of grey.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to me! Thirty-eight doesn't feel too bad...so far.

We had cake last night, because Abby baked a cake for me while she was at her cousin's for a sleep-over last week. So, there was a cake taking up precious space in my fridge since New Year's Eve, and I kind of figured that it was probably getting a little stale waiting for my birthday to arrive. Besides, Sunday nights are 'family nights', so what better time could there be to have a little cake!

I had a good day at work, uneventful and fairly easy-going. It was a nice change of pace from last week's work shifts. I did enjoy work last week, but it took a lot out of me. First, I worked double the number of hours that I typically work in a week, and three of those days were busy and short-staffed. I was running the show for a couple of those days, and did well, I think. However, I was wiped out by the time I got home and was in bed early every night. I basically did nothing but work, sleep, and watch a bit of TV. I didn't even exercise, because my feet were killing me and my back was stiff.

Today finally feels like the start of a new year to me. I am a little more rested than I have been for a week. My work schedule is back to normal. The kids are back to school. Routine can once again keep me sane.

I am feeling better than I have in months, since the depression diagnosis mid-December. It's funny how quickly and rather easily a positive change has been! Even though last week I was very tired with all the hours I was working, my exhaustion level still was nowhere near as extreme as it had been prior to the diagnosis! And really not much has changed. Yes, I am taking a little pill, but it isn't, or shouldn't be the cause of a more positive mood. It was prescribed to help me sleep and to help with my frequent headaches, which it has! I have only had one headache since beginning the prescription, and that was the day after I forgot to take my pill. I have been sleeping better, mostly, though still not always ideally. Yet somehow I have more energy, more motivation than I have had for so very long! And I don't know why...

Maybe it is because of the pill, but the dose is so incredibly low, something like 10mg (where the anti-depressant dose is something like 10x that or more!). Perhaps I have more energy, because the headaches are not occurring and I am sleeping better. Or maybe just knowing what was going on with me was enough to spark a break-through. I see my doctor on Wednesday, so I guess we'll talk about it then.

In the meantime, I am looking forward to dinner out with my husband tonight and also the next three 'free' days at home.

Good-bye 2009

It's the final day of 2009. I have been awake since roughly 4:30 this morning, and I have worked a long day. Once again we were a little short-staffed, and I wound up working on the sandwich bar station again, which really wasn't a part of my plans for the day. I don't mind working the sandwich bar, but back to back 8 hour days is simply not good for my back, especially when we're short on staff! I survived though. Two days down for the week, two more to go.

I would like to reflect on the year's highs and lows, but that will have to wait until sometime in January, when I have a little bit more time and energy to think that far back. NaBloPoMo's theme for January is BEST, so maybe I can do some posts on that topic.

Back to the Grindstone

In some ways my work day was both long and short. My body tells me that it was a long, long day, but the time seemed to fly by rather quickly. I guess that happens when you're working nearly non-stop mostly by yourself! My feet are sore, my back is achy, and I feel worn out. One day down and three long days to go!

I am dreading tomorrow's shift, well, at least the getting up at 4:45 AM! I will need to be in bed before 9pm, and that doesn't always work out too well for me. Natural night owls have trouble falling asleep that early in the evening! But, I am pretty tuckered out already and my little pill should help make me drowsy, so maybe it won't be as difficult as I fear. Of course, I might not be in such great shape for partying until the New Year.

Boxing Day Blues

Christmas is over, and it was a good day, I think. We opened presents, had brunch, relaxed, and enjoyed a good dinner with family. Later that night, I took Sam and his friend to a late showing of Sherlock Holmes.

The movie was very good. I think it lived up to my expectations and surpassed any qualms I might have had before viewing the movie. It felt strange to be at the theatre and sitting alone, and I did have to fight off fatigue at one pint. We didn't get home until shortly after midnight, which made it a very long day.

With the disruption to my regular routine, I forgot to take my pill and didn't remember that tidbit of information until we were driving home from the theatre. Seeing as how I need to take it about an hour before bed and that it was already so late, I decided not to bother taking it. I figured that I was exhausted enough that I wouldn't need that little extra help to sleep. I was wrong.

I did start to doze off very quickly, but then Kane started snoring and I was wide awake without a speck of sleepiness. After several futile attempts to nod off, I finally moved to the living room and the futon, where I did manage to fall asleep, though fitfully and uncomfortably. Actually, I haven't slept overly well, since Kane began trying to follow his new sleep plan to get himself sleeping better.

Yesterday was not so great a day for me. I was exceptionally tired, and in a way that I haven't felt since I started taking those little pills every night. I also had a headache and fuzz for brains. I was irritable, too. As far as mood goes, yesterday stunk!

Now I have to wonder why yesterday was the worst I have felt for over a week. Was it all because I forgot that little pill? Or was it simply a result of not enough quality sleep that night? Maybe a combination of both reasons? I don't know the answer, but I do know that I did not like how I felt yesterday. Not one little bit!

The initial depression diagnosis hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I was crushed, upset and stubbornly opposed to the diagnosis, even though I was just realistic enough to realize how right the diagnosis felt. I didn't like it, but the symptoms fit all too well.

The little pill is an anti-depressant, but it wasn't prescribed as an anti-depressant! This pill has been found to be helpful with pain and difficulty sleeping, which is why my doctor prescribed it to me. It's a very low, low dose, so I don't really think that this little pill is the source for the change in my mood. Maybe it is more than I think.

All I know is that the first day or two from the diagnosis were still yuck days for me. I was exhausted, unmotivated, no energy, headaches and mental fuzziness, blah, blah, blah. And then, there was sunshine. Almost literally! I felt energized and alert. I wasn't exhausted. The headache was gone, and my brain felt clear. Until yesterday.

It could be six of one and a half dozen of the other. I suppose the real test will begin later this week, when I work four long and early morning days in a row!

Twas the day before Christmas and...

Kane is at the gym. Casey is still asleep. Sam and Abby have been awake for a while, had breakfast and showers. I am making lists and checking them twice, as I anticipate the big family dinner tomorrow night. We're expecting a brother-in-law and niece for a visit this afternoon. There is a church service this evening, followed by a family viewing of White Christmas, possibly. A few more presents yet to wrap and tuck under the tree. Stockings to fill once the kidlets are in bed...the problem with kids getting older is that they stay up later! And I must remember to charge the camera battery!

Happy Birthday, Casey!

Today is Casey's 14th birthday. He received his present from us a couple of weeks ago, because he had something quite specific in mind and simply could not wait until today to get it. What he wanted was a new pair of shoes, but not just any pair of shoes! No, they had to be expensive and stylin', at least according to his sense of fashion. I personally think his new shoes are rather ugly, but that probably speaks more to my age than actual style. When I was his age, I just might have thought they were cool, too!

The cake has been made and decorated and awaits the ritual candles and song later this evening. Casey has requested lasagna for supper, so that is what I am making, along with garlic bread and Caesar salad and raw veggies.

Happy birthday, dude!

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Bounce Back

My doctor referred me to a program called Bounce Back. It is a self-help program to help those with mild to moderate depression. The doctor gave me a DVD which introduces the program and outlines some helpful steps for changes in lifestyle and ways of thinking. I have also been contacted by phone by a "coach" who will talk with me several times over the course of the program, guiding me along and answering questions. A big part of the program seems to be a series of workbooks that I can work through on my own. The first two workbooks arrived in the mail today.

Normally a workbook would take a week to work through but, because of the busyness of the holidays, my coach is giving me some extra time before we talk again.

The program looks interesting and helpful. I suppose the hard part is putting everything into place in one's life. It's easy to watch a video that tells you it is okay to say 'no' to people, but it is something entirely different to actually pull it off with confidence when the expectation of a 'yes' is high.

4 More Sleeps!

It's hard to believe that Christmas is only a few more days away! I can confidently state that I am virtually ready for the big day. All that I have left to do is take care of one last present and a couple of Christmas cards, wrap two gifts, buy the last necessary grocery items, and take care of food prep for Christmas dinner!

The vertigo is fading, although I feel a little dizzy today. I feel a little more energetic and motivated and hopeful.

The turkey is defrosting in the fridge. The house is basically tidy and clean. All is good.

"In health news today..."

The official diagnosis on my dizziness is benign paroxysmal positional vertigo caused by a viral infection in the ears. It's a mouthful and can last a week or more. Sadly, someone who gets bppv once is more likely to get it again and again. Isn't that lovely!


I had my requested blood work done but, much to my dismay, everything came back normal. Really, it is a good thing to have no issues with my thyroid, blood sugars, or what-have-you, but I admit to feeling rather crushed to feel the way I do without a discernible cause. And then the doctor said that he felt I was depressed. The emotional dam broke. All the symptoms fit that diagnosis, even though it wasn't a diagnosis that I wanted to hear, not for myself.


As imperfect as I am, I strive to project an image of someone who is calm, cool, collected and in control of her life. Accepting a diagnosis of depression makes me feel like someone who is none of those things, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. The logical and wise part of me knows that I am not a failure for being depressed, but the emotional part of me isn't ready to accept that as truth. The emotional part of me is a wreck right now, wounded by the diagnosis and resistant to being placed under the microscope.


I suspect that my journal and this blog could see a lot of emotional garbage over the next few months. Consider yourself warned!

Round & Round

Over the past several months, I have had moments of dizziness, but it has never been so prolonged as what I have been experiencing since yesterday afternoon. It's a little wearisome.


Nearly every head or upper body movement leaves me feeling as if the room is moving in the same direction, only lagging a second behind. At times, even my walking is affected, and I find myself leaning as I walk down the hall, unbalanced. Sometimes, just moving my eyes is enough to start the room spinning.


This is not a pleasant feeling, although I feel no ill-effects otherwise. There is no nausea, no vomiting, no actual falling has taken place yet...just weebling and wobbling and a sense of a slowly spinning walls and furniture.


I cannot believe that I am actually eager for Wednesday's doctor appointment.