The End of November

Headaches suck!

And I have a major, full-blown, nasty one right now.

Thinking is too difficult in such a state, but I have my final post for the month of November. I'm in too much pain to feel much excitement about successfully posting every day for the entire month...maybe tomorrow I can cheer.

Doctor, Doctor

I did it. I called to make an appointment with my doctor, although I can't get in until December 16th. The reception did say that I was welcome to drop in and see another doctor though if I didn't want to wait that long, and such an offer is rather tempting to me.

I have a love/hate relationship with my doctor, at least on my end. My doctor is a nice guy, laid back, down to earth, and a fellow believer. In fact, we used to attend the same church, so there is a level of relationship there, even if it is quite minimal.

On the other hand, I find myself frequently frustrated with my doctor, because he seldom seems to take my ailments seriously. I don't mind not having pills pushed on me for every cough, sneeze or ache, but I do mind having real aches and pains casually dismissed.

I am not the sort of person who sees the doctor on a revolving door basis. It might not be the best practice, but I generally wait until I am desperate before going to see the doctor, any doctor, not just this one. So, if I go to the doctor with ankle pain that has been going on for six months, please don't tell me that it is only a sprain and sprains can take six weeks to heal! There is a bit of a difference between six weeks and six months, and I think I can figure that out on my own. He didn't even touch my ankle! I waited forever in the waiting room only to be quickly "seen" and told to rest and ice my "sprained" ankle. I figured out on my own that what I needed was a new pair of shoes for work...no more pain! Now why couldn't my doctor take a couple of minutes to take my concern seriously and maybe think outside the box to find the reason for the pain?

Such is only one experience, but it illustrates so clearly why I am reluctant to see my doctor unless I am nearly on death's door. But I have questions and concerns that I would like answers for, and I will never truly know unless I ask. It just sucks that I have to ask my doctor.

I made an appointment with my doctor, because I assumed that the clinic doctors would prefer I see my own doctor since this isn't a desperate situation. Call me a coward for not wanting to discuss this with my doctor, but I really do feel it is easier to see one of the clinic doctors instead. I just might take the receptionist up on her offer to drop in this week.

It could all be nothing, at least nothing but getting older, but I have been wondering about hormones and thyroid issues. I have headaches very often, and I attribute that to being rear-ended two years ago, but it could be something more. I am tired all the time, even after a solid, good night's sleep! My motivation and energy are frequently lacking or easily zapped. I lose a lot of hair on a daily basis. It's not noticeably thin, but I don't know if it is normal to lose that much. Some of my hair is becoming quite coarse, and I have dark facial hair growing on my chin and jaw. My cycle used to be like clockwork but has been rather wonky for the past couple of years. My weight has been slowly creeping upward and nothing I do brings it back down. Quite often my mind seems a little fuzzy, and I seem to forget minor details more often than normal.

It could be nothing! And part of me is afraid that it really is nothing but a normal part of aging. I certainly don't want to waste my time or the doctor's time on something that is nothing, but it would be nice to know whether this is normal or not. Some of my "symptoms" can point towards hypothyroidism just as easily as they could point towards the fact that I am not so young anymore. I just want to know.

A Good Day

Today was one of those days when virtually everything goes the way it should, and days like that simply do not happen all that often, especially at work, which is where my wonderful day occurred! It feels strange to say that work was so great today in light of how terrible the environment has been there lately, but it was a super sweet day.

Nobody called in sick. Everyone showed up for their shift on time. There was no boss to get in the way and ruffle feathers. The usual Saturday morning manager had the day off, which meant that my stress load was reduced as I didn't need to pick up her slack. The day started off slow, as far as customers go, but it soon picked up and was actually a busier day than it seemed to be. Breaks and chores were done in a timely fashion.

Now if only every day was so good!

Welcome to the Jungle

I really enjoyed my three days off work. I accomplished a fair bit: lots of baking, some cleaning, crafts. It was so good!

Then today I had to work, and it was not so good. Apparently, work has not been a nice place all week long. I am glad to have missed the worst of it! Today was somewhat more mellow than the previous days; however, there was no joy in going to work, only dread. There was also little joy to be found in the work itself, and that truly bothers me.

Most of the time I am relatively protected from the drama and turmoil that tends to break out amongst the full-time staff, mainly because I seldom do anything to put myself between the cross-hairs. But storms cause a lot of damage, even to areas not directly in their paths, and so it is with metaphorical storms! I might not take a direct hit, but I am still pelted by flying debris as I struggle to move against the wind.

There are a lot of metaphors which would apply for my workplace these days...storm, jungle, day-care/preschool, hell...you get the idea. Nobody wants to be there. Nobody.

And yet, tomorrow will be a better day! I can say that with completely confidence only because tomorrow is Saturday. My boss is out of town. A manager has the day off. The problem employees do not work on Saturdays. I will be running the show, and I am so excited! We could end up being utterly short-staffed and crazy busy, but it will still be a better day than most working weekdays!

Bake Off

Well, my Christmas shopping list might not be dwindling, but I am making headway on the baking! Yesterday I made chocolate sugar cookies, which will be decorated with royal icing at some point in the near future. Today I am working on three different cookies: rosemary nut shortbread, white chocolate biscotti, and chocolate-pistachio biscotti. At some point I want to make my Earl Grey chocolate truffles and maybe some other cookies, too.

The sad part of it all, or the good part depending on the point of view, is that I am doing all this baking, and it is not even for my cookie exchange in a couple of weeks, the baking needed for Abby's class Christmas party, or for the two dozen cookies I promised to provide for Abby's drama production in mid-December! There is still lots of baking in my future! I have not done so much holiday baking for years.

And it isn't just the quantity that boggles my mind! I am also baking things that I tend to avoid, like rolled cookies. I've never even made royal icing before, but now I am planning on doing exactly that to decorate the rolled cookies already made and the ones I still plan on making. Rosemary nut shortbread? Sounds a little gourmet for my normal baking habits, but it sounds delicious and easy. How could I resist? Although the price of pine nuts is almost enough to swear me off that recipe for the rest of my life! The same goes for the pistachios, too.

But, they'll all taste good!

Bump, Set, Spike, or Something Like That

These photos are from a couple of weeks ago, when Abby's grade 6 "team" played volleyball against another elementary school. From a spectator's point of view, the games were entertaining, although not on the same level as watching Casey's grade 9 team play, but fun, nonetheless. There is something about watching young kids just learning a game that warms the heart in all the right places, even if you feel like cringing.

This afternoon is another game at another school. I sure wish the girls had some home games, but somehow the boys team seems to have snagged them all.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Self-Portrait

I hate having my picture taken. Really. I do.

The problem is that my self-image is weak and my insecurities strong. However, there are moments, here and there, where I feel like I belong in this skin, and I am comfortable. Those moments are rare, but that feeling of knowing exactly who I am is a powerful one. I like it.

And so I am challenging myself to find more of those 'Ta-Da!' moments when everything is perfectly aligned within me. I am challenging myself to drop some of the masks that I hide behind, to show the real me. It is time to step in front of the camera.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

The Final Countdown

It is one month until Casey's 14th birthday and very nearly one month until Christmas! I feel so incredibly unprepared.

Ideally, I like to plan ahead, make my lists and work on tucking away gifts in advance, but I have found my response time slowing down over the past few years. Whether or not this is the furthest behind I've ever been, I do not know, but it feels as if I am so far behind that I am almost back at last Christmas!

Of course, perception is typically a lot more frightening than reality, just like objects appear closer in the side mirrors! Sure, I have a lot to do before the big day, but I am further out of the starting gate than I give myself credit for. I do have a couple of gifts tucked away, and I have just about completed my gifts for my friends. Still...

A couple of gifts tucked away is a far cry from what I actually need to get! Christmas cards need to be made and written in and mailed. Decorations need to be dragged out of storage and space found for the tree. Oh, and baking!

I guess I had better get started on my lists!

Dutch Blitz

Since September, Sunday nights have been Family Fun Nights at the Thompson house. I came up the plan as a way to keep our family connected in a fun, easy-going manner. With the kids getting older, and busier, quality family time sometimes feels elusive or, at best, a struggle to fit into the crowded schedule. Sunday nights are the one night of the week that is mostly free, and so we began a new tradition.

I expected some resistance. Abby was keen on the idea as I knew that she would be. The boys grumbled and whined just a little that first Sunday night, but they were soon caught up in the fun of playing a card game together. And the kids have never looked back! In fact, I would go so far as to say that the kids look forward to Family Night, and the prospect of cleaning the kitchen together after supper before playing our games doesn't even phase them overly much. Okay, so they might not be loving the clean up part of the night, but I figure that the family that plays together can also clean together, at least for 10 minutes one night a week!

We have done a variety of things on our Sunday nights. We have played board games and card games. We played games together on the Wii. We went to the EnergyPlex.

Since we began our Family Nights, I have been eager to find a Dutch Blitz card game. I looked at Toys 'R Us and Wal-Mart and a couple other game type stores with no success. Until today! Yeah!

I grew up playing Dutch Blitz and was eager to teach it to my kids, so tonight we played it. It was so much fun. Casey wound up being the ultimate winner at the end of the night, but we all had moments of success and humiliating failure.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Charlie Brown's Christmas

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Frantic Friday

I have been dreading this day all week, simply because it is jam-packed with little room for breathing, and I don't really like days like that too much.

Here is what the day looks like:

6:30am-alarm rings (waaaay too early, but it had to be done)
-wake up Abby and Sam, let Casey sleep for another half hour
7:00am-apply heavy make-up to Abby's face and make sure she has everything she needs for the day
7:05 ish-Kane leaves with Sam and Abby
-first stop Tim Horton's for a coffee, then to drop Sam off at his school for an early band rehearsal, and then to drop Abby off at the community theatre for her school dress rehearsal
7:30is-the phone rings. It is my boss asking if I can come in to work at 8:30 instead of at 10am. I agree. Reluctantly.
7:55am-Casey leaves for school.
8:00am-I leave for work.
2:00pm-I finished work and stopped at IGA for more milk (the third gallon in three days!) Before leaving work, I called Kane to ask him to pick up Sam from school, as Sam had a spare last block.
2:30ish-I arrive at home, change, chug a Diet Coke (need the caffeine), and catch up on email/Facebook/blog. Okay, so I did have a bit of breathing room in the day; it's just not enough!
4:00pm-Sam has his tennis lesson.
5:00pm-Sam is finished tennis and needs to be picked up.
6:00pm-Abby needs to be at the community theatre, in costume and make-up. Doors open for the show.
6:30pm-the first performance of Charlie Brown's Christmas presented by Abby's school with Abby playing the role of Pigpen
7:30pm-second performance with Abby in the choir this time around. Maybe I can be dropped off at home, but someone will need to pick Abby up once the show is over around 8pm.
9:00pm-hopefully I am about to tuck myself into bed, so that I can hopefully get a good night's sleep for my full work day tomorrow

Thankfully, I made a pot of lentil barley soup yesterday, and since Kane didn't get home from work until 11pm last night, there is lots of soup left to reheat for supper tonight. The kids won't eat it, but there are fixings for sandwiches.

Beginning to Look Like Christmas

I am not ready for Christmas. November is winding down, and I have barely even given Christmas shopping a moment of consideration. I am not ready. I am not yet in the mood.

Abby, on the other hand, has been thinking about Christmas since spring. She has been rehearsing for Charlie Brown's Christmas since early September, and she has even completed some of her Christmas gift shopping/making.

In a way, our two worlds will collide tomorrow with the Charlie Brown's Christmas performances. I loved watching this television classic as a child, and I love it still as an adult. It ranks right up there with the classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Abby will be Pigpen in the first performance and part of the choir in the second show. I will sit in the audience, taking photos and enjoying every minute of the show. I'll be reminded once more of the true meaning of Christmas, and the Charlie Brown inside of me will find a bit of joy as we head into the holiday season.

Life as an Amputee

I think about C a lot. It isn't that my thoughts are consumed by C, because they aren't. There is enough water under that bridge now, so that I can sometimes go an entire day without my thoughts drifting in her direction. It is just that I find it impossible to expunge her completely from my heart.

How does one go about that anyway? Is it even possible to erase a former best friend's existence from the very centre of what makes you YOU? When does a decade of memories cease to be remembered?

Throughout my house are little tangible reminders of the one who was once such an important part of my life.

-my very first Willow Tree figure given to me on my 30th birthday
-a little clay bowl handmade given to me one Christmas
-a diffuser with vanilla and gingerbread oils from another Christmas
-a throw blanket from a birthday
-Coca-Cola canisters given just because
-various mugs
-a group photo sitting on the bookshelf
-a memory box full of cards and notes, handwritten words of friendship and love

Even if I could box up all those objects and throw them away, I still would not be free of my memories of C. I am thankful, at least, that time softens the rough, sharp edges of pain. Sadness remains, and always questions and wondering.

Does she ever find her thoughts drifting my way, the way my thoughts drift towards her? Does she still cling to her own tangible mementos of our history, or has she tossed them away like she discarded me? Does she ever question her decisions, her actions?

Of course, I do not know the answers to those questions. I may never know, and I think I am okay with that. The past cannot be changed, and, although I may sometimes doubt myself, I don't think I would make too many changes if I could go back in time. There is a broader purpose here, even if I am at a loss to understand it. Someday I might have an "Aha!" moment, but that is not today. I do not understand how someone could completely turn her back on those who were her closest friends. Hitting a few potholes I can understand. Going through a rough patch I can understand. But this, this is something different. It is an amputation.

Amputees are said to experience phantom pains in their missing limbs. I guess I could say that phantom pains are what I am experiencing. This pain is not real. It hurts but not deeply, not anymore. There is sorrow over what has been lost and cannot be replaced, but there is also adaptation, moving on with life. I have learned to function, to live without C in my life. It doesn't feel quite right, but a casual observer would be hard-pressed to spot the difference. Maybe there is a psychological limp in my step...

Maybe, just maybe, there is a limp in C's step, too.

Sweatshop

What does it mean when I am sweating buckets after a mere half hour of rather light cleaning in Sam's room? I mean really! All I did was put a clean sheet on his bed, picked up a few clothes, threw a few things into the recycling bin or the garbage bin, and did a little shuffling around. I don't think I even broke a sweat cleaning Casey's room, and I put a lot more effort into that room! I've been sitting for ten minutes already, and I still feel overly hot and sweaty, like I just ran a marathon.

I didn't sleep well last night, so I am uber tired. There is the ever-present cough/phlegm/stuffy nose, but I don't "feel" sick. Except that my sweat glands are working overtime with so little to show for it but a sheen on my skin. Weirdness!

Sleepyhead

It figures! I have three consecutive days off and lots to do around the house, and I am so incredibly tired and unmotivated this morning. The phone rang at 5:20 AM, ripping me from a very good sleep.

It was a manager from work wondering where I left the key for the cupboard where the extra cash drawers are kept. Unfortunately for me, I think she forgot that I was not the last person to use the key, because the tills get changed again late at night. Then she asked if I wanted to work today. Uh, let me think about it in my half-asleep state of mind...no!

A return to slumber land did not come easily, and the ring of the alarm came way too soon. I feel like I have been dragging my hacking carcass around all morning, while all I want to do is veg out on the sofa with a comfy throw blanket and season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I could do that, but I have things to do.

Laundry is a work in progress. I've already made a trek to Wal-Mart for milk, a few groceries, and the new Star Trek DVD. The kitchen, dining room and living room have been tidied a bit, but there is still more to be done.

Sam's room needs purging and cleaning, although I probably won't get to it today. Tomorrow. I have the brilliant (or stupid) idea to make scalloped potatoes and ham for supper, which would be super yummy and fine, except for the actual process of 'making' the scalloped potatoes. Oh, am I feeling lazy today!

I could put off some of these things for tomorrow or Thursday. Really, I could and without stressing about it overly much, but the trouble with postponement is that the result is always accumulation. Little bites are easier to swallow than big ones, or so they say, whoever 'they' are. Also, the feelings of laziness and being tired seldom evaporate so quickly. I am much more likely to wake up tomorrow just as tired as I did today, especially since I am still under the weather, so to speak.

So, I will attempt a compromise of sorts. I've got the laundry and I've done some tidying done. I'll even make the big dinner. I might even do more purging somewhere, maybe even start in Sam's room. Then, in the morning, I will finish Sam's room, and the afternoon can be for curling up in front of the TV.

Sounds like a plan!

Cough & Hack

I am tired of this cough, tired of only getting a good night's sleep with the aid of night-time cough & cold medication. The medication knocks me out, makes me loopy, and the morning "hangover" is no fun either. But on the other hand, I hate the feeling of a pound of phlegm stuck in my throat. I hate coughing so hard that my chest hurts, and I am gasping for breath. I don't like taking my own Kleenex box to work with me, but the cheap toilet paper is a little rough for frequent nose-blowing. I am keeping Neo-Citran, Kleenex, Tylenol, Strepsil and Halls in business, too. Most of all I hate being plagued by this cough, when I am otherwise hale and hearty.

Abby and I went to the big, annual craft sale today, and I must say that I came away rather disappointed. We went to the same event last year, and this year's seemed to be lacking in comparison. While I have no idea how many vendors were actually in attendance, I do know that there were a great deal less than the previous year. Even the crowd of people was significantly thinner than last year. After wandering past every table twice, I managed to spend only $7.50. Sure, there were several things that caught my eye, but in the end I would have been buying them for myself, which kind of defeats the purpose of going to a craft sale to do some Christmas shopping.

Party On

It was a pretty good day at work. I've been home for almost an hour. I've showered and prettified myself. I've even taken a few moments to relax, catch up on email and Facebook, and downed a Diet Coke. In a few minutes I am back out the door. To a birthday party for a co-worker. She is 25 today, going on 10. Seriously! But I like her, and so I am going to this party, even though it really isn't what I want to do on a Saturday night. It will be fine though.

Progress

So after posting to my blog yesterday, I decided to clean Casey's bedroom. At a glance his room was not too bad, but I knew that there was a lot of clutter lurking in nooks and crannies. I began in the closet by removing everything from the shelves and wiping out the dust. With my handy-dandy three bag system of garbage, recycling, and thrift store donations, it wasn't long before the closet was a lean, mean, organized machine! I am kind of envious, because there is still quite a bit of usable space in the closet.

I tackled the bed next. There are two drawers under the bed, so I emptied, purged and re-filled those. Plus, I also did some scoping under the bed, while I had one of the drawers pulled out from the bed. I was amazed by what I pulled out from that abyss, especially when I realized that those items could only be under the bed if they were intentionally put there. There is just no way that anything thicker than a marble can innocently lose itself under that bed! I pulled out from under the bed: a 10 lb dumbbell, a lunch bag (complete with empty juice box and two ziploc bags full of mouldy, unidentifiable food), two empty shoe boxes, several unopened juice boxes, a football, a soccer ball, and a ton of last year's school work.

I made good progress in that room yesterday, although I ran out of time and there are still a few minor details to finish. The bedding, blankets included, are being washed today. I still have to take out of a bunch of sports paraphernalia (golf balls, tennis balls, baseballs, soccer balls, footballs, tennis racket, bike helmets, bike tire pump) and put them in the shed outside. Why those things were in Casey's bedroom in the first place is beyond me!

His room looks a lot better already, and I hope that he can maintain such a state of cleanliness. Really, it shouldn't be that difficult of a task! Right?

Beautiful Day

It's a beautiful day. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and, although it is just a little on the chilly side, it is still nice enough to be outside and enjoy.

Okay, so I am not outside enjoying the day, but that is because I am too tired and have too much to do. Today and tomorrow are days off for me, and I really want them to be mostly productive days, even if they turn out to be not as productive as I want them to be.

I was up way too late last night, because of my nasty cough. It seems that a night without Neo-Citran is not a good thing. I do cough a fair bit during the day still, but the coughing goes to an extreme level once the sun goes down. I gave up on sleep somewhere around 1am, and made myself a cup of Neo-Citran in the hopes of being able to grab at least a few hours of restful sleep. About an hour later I was back in bed and managed to sleep until my alarm buzzed at 7am. It sure would have been nice if today was Sunday after all! Instead, I had to get up and get the kids up and moving towards school.

The problem with any sort of medication that makes me drowsy is the after-effect. The next morning has me feeling fuzzy and weak in the limbs, almost a little shaky, and this is usually the case even after a full night's sleep. So I was not feeling so hot this morning with slightly less than five hours of sleep. Shortly after the kids had all gone to school, I opted for a nap in my bed for a little more than an hour. That extra hour of sleep was so nice and so needed, but it wasn't nearly enough! Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep the day away and had to get up and moving.

I had a lunch meeting with my bosses today. They wanted to go over a bunch of things with me, just as they have been doing one-on-one with all the managers and supervisors over the past month. I am always a little nervous about such meetings, even when I know that there is nothing bad coming down the pipe, but it went well and all is good. It looks like I could be seeing a little bit more responsibility, which is both exciting and intimidating, but I can do it.

Now I am home and contemplating the next hour and a half or so until I need to pick Abby up from school and take her to her church program. It's really not enough time to get too immersed in any one project, because I find such interruptions are detrimental to my ultimate progress. However, I guess I can work on some purging and organizing.

I have also been thinking about the NaNoWriMo thing and how I just do not seem to be a novel writer. I like the concept behind NaNoWriMo, where you write like mad for one month, not to produce perfection but to simply be motivated to write. I dig that! It is the kind of motivation that I need and often thrive on, but I am not sure that a novel lies within me. I enjoy writing, though I may not be very good at it. I did manage to write over 5000 words, but it isn't a novel, per se, and I just can't see myself writing on that same vein for another 45, 000 words. But, I seem to be doing well with the NaBloPoMo!