Sunday, May 02, 2010
Saturday, May 01, 2010
LOOK UP
If I tell myself that I will blog every day this month would I actually succeed? My good intentions do not always transition into accomplishments, but this is the first day of a new month. The slate is wiped clean, and I am free to try again. NaBloPoMo's theme for May is LOOK UP.
For today, it is enough to say that the weather caused many of us to LOOK UP several times through-out the day. We had three baseball games today, so we were outdoors from about 10:30am until 5:00pm. The weather was a mixed bag of showers and sunshine, showers and sunshine. The wind was not a major player today, for which I am thankful, as last night's wind was brutally fierce and biting cold. When the sun shone today, the warmth was actually quite nice. And then the clouds would swoop in, dark and ominous, and the rain would quickly send us diving beneath our umbrellas. The weather wasn't too bad, because we have definitely played in worse; however, I am more than ready for the sun to make an extended appearance!
For today, it is enough to say that the weather caused many of us to LOOK UP several times through-out the day. We had three baseball games today, so we were outdoors from about 10:30am until 5:00pm. The weather was a mixed bag of showers and sunshine, showers and sunshine. The wind was not a major player today, for which I am thankful, as last night's wind was brutally fierce and biting cold. When the sun shone today, the warmth was actually quite nice. And then the clouds would swoop in, dark and ominous, and the rain would quickly send us diving beneath our umbrellas. The weather wasn't too bad, because we have definitely played in worse; however, I am more than ready for the sun to make an extended appearance!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Iris
The front yard is looking more luscious and beautiful by the day. The first iris bloomed just a couple of days ago, and the tulips are ever so close to blooming. Most every plant that I transplanted last fall is now growing; it's been exciting to watch. A co-worker blessed me with numerous plants that she was ripping out of her garden last fall, so I planted them in my newly renovated front yard, not really knowing what to expect. With my black thumbs, I wasn't even sure that these transplants would grow, and I admit that I still am basically holding my breath. 
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Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The BIGGEST Loser
Okay, I admit it. I watch The Biggest Loser, although I have only begun to watch it this season. While I know that it is just another reality TV show, I love it. I cannot fully explain why I enjoy this show as much as I do. Perhaps it is all about timing and the fact that this season began at the same time that Kane and I started our weight-loss/lifestyle changes in January. Regardless of the reason, I find myself connecting with the participants on many levels. Last night's episode was a prime example of that.
Jillian, the trainer, was trying to get inside the head of one contestant to find out what was holding her back and why she got to where she was in the first place. Initially the contestant answered in a typical 'I don't know' fashion, but she eventually started to talk about never feeling good enough. She didn't feel like she was a good enough person, a good enough daughter, because she wasn't beautiful and slender. I may not be obese, but her sentiments echoed within me.
I have grown up, lived my life, believing that I am not now, or ever will be, good enough. On one level I can recognize that snare in my path, yet, in many ways, I can still be blind-sided by the truth of what fuels my actions and thoughts. It's not always very pretty.
In my school days, I never felt good enough. I was never a part of the 'in' crowd. I wore the wrong clothes. I didn't have the trendiest gadgets and gizmos. I didn't have the looks, and I didn't have enough skill or talent to thrive in the arts or sports. I was not good enough.
The adult world is really not all that different from the juvenile world. Only faces and places change. I still feel inadequate. I still don't have the looks or the right styles. I don't have the money or desire to collect all the trendiest gadgets and gizmos. My skills and talents are still mediocre at best. Even my job is low on the value scale. Most everyone seems smarter, more talented, more graceful, more skilled, and better than me. I often feel like a failure in the parenting category. I live my life feeling not good enough.
Even when I do recognize this negative thought, capturing it and releasing it are not so easy things to do. It's so much easier to swallow the lies, sit down in my miserable and dirty pit and stay there. One thing I realized last night, while watching TBL, was that a part of me was afraid of success, of being good enough. That may sound strange and silly, but I think there is real truth in that statement. As much as I might deny it, I am frequently desperate for recognition and praise. I need to hear that I am appreciated. I need to know that I have done a good job. But, when I am put in that spotlight, I feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, almost ashamed, as if I am an impostor stealing the spotlight from the more deserving person. I feel like a fraud.
So much of me is a struggle between opposing factions. I want to be confident, but I am so self-conscious. I want to lose weight and get in shape, but I feel like success will never be within my reach. I make so many good plans, and then I set myself up for failure. I want to be the one who has her act all together, and then I realize how much of a fraud I am because I don't.
Coincidentally, I saw the following quote on Facebook yesterday:
"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting." ee cummings
That's quite a lot to think about...and all from watching The Biggest Loser!
Jillian, the trainer, was trying to get inside the head of one contestant to find out what was holding her back and why she got to where she was in the first place. Initially the contestant answered in a typical 'I don't know' fashion, but she eventually started to talk about never feeling good enough. She didn't feel like she was a good enough person, a good enough daughter, because she wasn't beautiful and slender. I may not be obese, but her sentiments echoed within me.
I have grown up, lived my life, believing that I am not now, or ever will be, good enough. On one level I can recognize that snare in my path, yet, in many ways, I can still be blind-sided by the truth of what fuels my actions and thoughts. It's not always very pretty.
In my school days, I never felt good enough. I was never a part of the 'in' crowd. I wore the wrong clothes. I didn't have the trendiest gadgets and gizmos. I didn't have the looks, and I didn't have enough skill or talent to thrive in the arts or sports. I was not good enough.
The adult world is really not all that different from the juvenile world. Only faces and places change. I still feel inadequate. I still don't have the looks or the right styles. I don't have the money or desire to collect all the trendiest gadgets and gizmos. My skills and talents are still mediocre at best. Even my job is low on the value scale. Most everyone seems smarter, more talented, more graceful, more skilled, and better than me. I often feel like a failure in the parenting category. I live my life feeling not good enough.
Even when I do recognize this negative thought, capturing it and releasing it are not so easy things to do. It's so much easier to swallow the lies, sit down in my miserable and dirty pit and stay there. One thing I realized last night, while watching TBL, was that a part of me was afraid of success, of being good enough. That may sound strange and silly, but I think there is real truth in that statement. As much as I might deny it, I am frequently desperate for recognition and praise. I need to hear that I am appreciated. I need to know that I have done a good job. But, when I am put in that spotlight, I feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, almost ashamed, as if I am an impostor stealing the spotlight from the more deserving person. I feel like a fraud.
So much of me is a struggle between opposing factions. I want to be confident, but I am so self-conscious. I want to lose weight and get in shape, but I feel like success will never be within my reach. I make so many good plans, and then I set myself up for failure. I want to be the one who has her act all together, and then I realize how much of a fraud I am because I don't.
Coincidentally, I saw the following quote on Facebook yesterday:
"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting." ee cummings
That's quite a lot to think about...and all from watching The Biggest Loser!
Thursday, April 01, 2010
BIG News!
BIG. The blogging theme for April is BIG. There are a lot of ways to talk about 'big'...expectations, ideas, plans, fears, the movie, my kids growing, mountains. You get the idea.
Sam came home from tennis practice yesterday with the big news that he had made his high school tennis team!
He has been looking forward to making this team since he started playing tennis about a year ago. Last fall, it appeared as if Sam would be a shoe-in for the team, as there were not too many boys coming out to the recreational fall tennis games. Try-outs started last week, and we were surprised to see a lot of boys striving for one of the seven spots on the team! Suddenly a shoe-in no longer seemed likely, and we had to consider that Sam might not even make the team at all.
Either way, I think the experience would have been good for Sam. He has never truly had to earn a spot on any competitive team before, so not making the cut would have been a great learning experience. It might have even prodded his 'drive' into over-drive! Sam is a good athlete, but I believe that he could be a great athlete-if he wanted it enough.
Sam is competitive. He wants to win and be the best. The problem is that he doesn't necessarily push himself to be the best. He has natural grace, balance, dexterity, and fluidity to his movements, and he excels at nearly every sport he tries. But he often coasts through.
Making the tennis team might be a good thing for him, too. Most of the kids on the team are quite good, definitely better than Sam but capable of being beaten. Undoubtedly they will play a lot of very good athletes over the course of the short season. There will be regionals and provincial tournaments. Sam is going to be up against a level of competition he really hasn't faced in his brief tennis career. He can either get utterly crushed or he can grow stronger through the effort. It's up to him.
So, I am a happy mama! Sam will have tennis to keep him busy for the next couple of months. Casey and Abby will have baseball. There will be no rest for the weary, at least until summer, and my crazy life will only be crazier. I wouldn't have it any other way!
Sam came home from tennis practice yesterday with the big news that he had made his high school tennis team!
He has been looking forward to making this team since he started playing tennis about a year ago. Last fall, it appeared as if Sam would be a shoe-in for the team, as there were not too many boys coming out to the recreational fall tennis games. Try-outs started last week, and we were surprised to see a lot of boys striving for one of the seven spots on the team! Suddenly a shoe-in no longer seemed likely, and we had to consider that Sam might not even make the team at all.
Either way, I think the experience would have been good for Sam. He has never truly had to earn a spot on any competitive team before, so not making the cut would have been a great learning experience. It might have even prodded his 'drive' into over-drive! Sam is a good athlete, but I believe that he could be a great athlete-if he wanted it enough.
Sam is competitive. He wants to win and be the best. The problem is that he doesn't necessarily push himself to be the best. He has natural grace, balance, dexterity, and fluidity to his movements, and he excels at nearly every sport he tries. But he often coasts through.
Making the tennis team might be a good thing for him, too. Most of the kids on the team are quite good, definitely better than Sam but capable of being beaten. Undoubtedly they will play a lot of very good athletes over the course of the short season. There will be regionals and provincial tournaments. Sam is going to be up against a level of competition he really hasn't faced in his brief tennis career. He can either get utterly crushed or he can grow stronger through the effort. It's up to him.
So, I am a happy mama! Sam will have tennis to keep him busy for the next couple of months. Casey and Abby will have baseball. There will be no rest for the weary, at least until summer, and my crazy life will only be crazier. I wouldn't have it any other way!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Up and Down
Depression is a strange monster.
Up. Down. Inward. Outward. Hot and cold. Happy. Content. Angry. Volatile. Energized. Utterly drained. Tired. A list of things to do...undone.
Such is life!
I picked up a refill of my prescription this afternoon. I have been taking this drug for three months. The fact that I have only forgotten to take it twice in all that time is rather amazing; I tend to forget to take any sort of pill on a daily basis, prescribed or something as innocuous as a vitamin. Taking medication on a regular basis isn't something that I like to do, but I dislike my headaches more. So I take my little blue pill every night, except for those two nights that I forgot.
The headaches have been more common over the past couple of weeks. I wonder if a body can become acclimatized to this medication, diminishing its' effectiveness, or whether there are other factors at play. Regardless, headaches suck. Headaches that are more static and fuzz than pain are utterly detestable, because that type of headache wears on you like a steady drip of water on stone.
My weeks tend to be broken into two distinct parts. The energized and productive days tend to run from Monday to late Wednesday or Thursday. The rest of the days are lethargic and dreary. My thinking leads me to believe that this vicious cycle is a result of the depression. My great days tend to occur at the beginning of my days off work, so I have plenty to 'get done' and lots of enthusiasm for doing it. The trouble is that I can only run full tilt for a short while before I crash and burn or just run out of gas and gumption.
I hate cramming everything into my days off work, but I feel like there isn't much choice available to me. My afternoons and evenings are not always my own, so my running around, my chores need to be done early in the day, while the kids are at school. There is laundry to wash, groceries to buy, meals to plan and prepare, errands to run, housework to take care of, and somehow I have to fit in time for exercising, relaxing, and doing the fun things, the hobbies I like to do. There just doesn't seem to be enough time, so I cram and work like a mad woman while the energy is high.
And on it goes...
Up. Down. Inward. Outward. Hot and cold. Happy. Content. Angry. Volatile. Energized. Utterly drained. Tired. A list of things to do...undone.
Such is life!
I picked up a refill of my prescription this afternoon. I have been taking this drug for three months. The fact that I have only forgotten to take it twice in all that time is rather amazing; I tend to forget to take any sort of pill on a daily basis, prescribed or something as innocuous as a vitamin. Taking medication on a regular basis isn't something that I like to do, but I dislike my headaches more. So I take my little blue pill every night, except for those two nights that I forgot.
The headaches have been more common over the past couple of weeks. I wonder if a body can become acclimatized to this medication, diminishing its' effectiveness, or whether there are other factors at play. Regardless, headaches suck. Headaches that are more static and fuzz than pain are utterly detestable, because that type of headache wears on you like a steady drip of water on stone.
My weeks tend to be broken into two distinct parts. The energized and productive days tend to run from Monday to late Wednesday or Thursday. The rest of the days are lethargic and dreary. My thinking leads me to believe that this vicious cycle is a result of the depression. My great days tend to occur at the beginning of my days off work, so I have plenty to 'get done' and lots of enthusiasm for doing it. The trouble is that I can only run full tilt for a short while before I crash and burn or just run out of gas and gumption.
I hate cramming everything into my days off work, but I feel like there isn't much choice available to me. My afternoons and evenings are not always my own, so my running around, my chores need to be done early in the day, while the kids are at school. There is laundry to wash, groceries to buy, meals to plan and prepare, errands to run, housework to take care of, and somehow I have to fit in time for exercising, relaxing, and doing the fun things, the hobbies I like to do. There just doesn't seem to be enough time, so I cram and work like a mad woman while the energy is high.
And on it goes...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Running Ragged
After two days of productivity and activity, I stumbled out of bed this morning, resentfully cursing my alarm clock. That was at 7:00 am. It is now 1:12 pm, and I still feel sluggish and tired.
It isn't surprising, in all honesty. Over the past two days I have: baked muffins and power bars; washed, dried and folded a mountain of laundry, made a trip to the library, bought produce and groceries, did a major clean-up of the van's interior, including vacuuming; finished a puzzle; read a book; watched a borrowed DVD; walked up a hill twice and also went for another easier walk; groaned my way through a 25 minute bosu ab/back routine; washed dishes; did general tidying and picking up; wrote out invitations and mailed them; paid bills; did numerous crunches and weight exercises; filled the van's windshield wash tank and gas tank; caught up on work information; made suppers; arranged for the giving away of a large stack of books. No wonder I am so exhausted today!
The problem with feeling so drained is that I inevitably waver between feelings of guilt and justification. I feel guilty for not doing more, because there is always something yet to be done and I tend to feel guilty whenever I focus on myself. Yet, I feel justified in taking a day for doing so little, because I do a lot already and I need to put a little focus on myself once in a while. This is a cycle that I am aware of, especially in light of the depression. It is so easy to run myself ragged while I am feeling great and energetic...and then there is the crash and burn. The challenge is to take advantage of the good feelings and minimize the damage when the crash happens. There is a happy balance to be found.
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Monday, March 22, 2010
The Story of a Girl Who Went Up a Hill and Came Back Down
I would say that today was a successful day. For a Monday and that says quite a lot! I was feeling a little down yesterday, dreading today and the week ahead of me. Yesterday was the last day of Spring Break and the last day of eight days off work. Those days off felt so nice, even if I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I had hoped, and so the prospect of returning to the same old crap, particularly at work, just was not something to look forward to.
However, the work day was rather benign. Oh, there was a teeny bit of pettiness from a co-worker, but even that episode was minor compared to what takes place most days. I was pleasantly surprised that my arrival at work did not result in an immediate assault on my ears. There is usually at least one co-worker eager to grumble in my ear the moment I walk in the door. I don't like going to work when the natives are restless. At any rate, the day was relatively uneventful. A little slow but a decent enough day.
I did feel a headache coming on shortly after I arrived at work. It was a slow starter, not reaching full force until several hours later when I was back home. I wasn't overly surprised to have a headache, because I forgot to take my little pill last night before bed. The only other time I forgot to take my pill resulted in a nasty headache all of the next day! Thankfully, this headache is mostly gone now.
Arriving at home, I was glad to be find the house empty, even if the kitchen was a mess, because it meant that Kane was working! I do enjoy spending time with my husband, but having Kane home for nearly four months was becoming very old, very fast. I caught up on some email and Facebook, downed some caffeine and Ibuprofen, then went to work cleaning the kitchen. The kids came home from school, one by one, and there was a sense of contentment and happiness in the routine.
After supper, I knew I needed some exercise. I am pleased with my weight loss progress, but I still need to work at getting enough physical activity. I had considered doing a 'bosu death routine' and then thought I might save the torture for a walk up Summit Drive tomorrow (uphill!). Reality quickly set in, shattering my plans for walking anywhere tomorrow. I had laundry to do, groceries to buy, and a library to visit. So, I decided to walk up Summit tonight!
I had never done this before, but I have walked partially up Knox Mtn. twice over the past couple of weeks. Knox is much more difficult, at least for someone as out of shape as me, but, for some reason, Summit has always intimidated me. I can be so silly sometimes!
Sure, it wasn't easy, but it really wasn't nearly as difficult as I had feared. My legs might feel it in the morning, but it would be a good feeling. I think. The walk certainly didn't take very long. I was out the door, up and down, and back at home within 25 minutes! It is so conveniently close to home, which is nice if I want more bang for my walking minutes without the inconvenience of driving somewhere first. The view from the top is amazing; I need to take a camera next time!
And I feel great. I came home and did 80 crunches, which nearly did me in, but I keep doing them anyway.
However, the work day was rather benign. Oh, there was a teeny bit of pettiness from a co-worker, but even that episode was minor compared to what takes place most days. I was pleasantly surprised that my arrival at work did not result in an immediate assault on my ears. There is usually at least one co-worker eager to grumble in my ear the moment I walk in the door. I don't like going to work when the natives are restless. At any rate, the day was relatively uneventful. A little slow but a decent enough day.
I did feel a headache coming on shortly after I arrived at work. It was a slow starter, not reaching full force until several hours later when I was back home. I wasn't overly surprised to have a headache, because I forgot to take my little pill last night before bed. The only other time I forgot to take my pill resulted in a nasty headache all of the next day! Thankfully, this headache is mostly gone now.
Arriving at home, I was glad to be find the house empty, even if the kitchen was a mess, because it meant that Kane was working! I do enjoy spending time with my husband, but having Kane home for nearly four months was becoming very old, very fast. I caught up on some email and Facebook, downed some caffeine and Ibuprofen, then went to work cleaning the kitchen. The kids came home from school, one by one, and there was a sense of contentment and happiness in the routine.
After supper, I knew I needed some exercise. I am pleased with my weight loss progress, but I still need to work at getting enough physical activity. I had considered doing a 'bosu death routine' and then thought I might save the torture for a walk up Summit Drive tomorrow (uphill!). Reality quickly set in, shattering my plans for walking anywhere tomorrow. I had laundry to do, groceries to buy, and a library to visit. So, I decided to walk up Summit tonight!
I had never done this before, but I have walked partially up Knox Mtn. twice over the past couple of weeks. Knox is much more difficult, at least for someone as out of shape as me, but, for some reason, Summit has always intimidated me. I can be so silly sometimes!
Sure, it wasn't easy, but it really wasn't nearly as difficult as I had feared. My legs might feel it in the morning, but it would be a good feeling. I think. The walk certainly didn't take very long. I was out the door, up and down, and back at home within 25 minutes! It is so conveniently close to home, which is nice if I want more bang for my walking minutes without the inconvenience of driving somewhere first. The view from the top is amazing; I need to take a camera next time!
And I feel great. I came home and did 80 crunches, which nearly did me in, but I keep doing them anyway.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
To Do or Not To Do?
So I have the entire week off work, and all my 'plans' for the week seem to have been scattered in the wind. There was a mental list, but I never got around to putting that list down on paper. I should know better! As wonderfully good as my memory can be, it can also be pathetically holey when it comes to remembering the little details. I had lofty goals of doing major spring cleaning, more exercising, more organizing, more fun...
Instead, I managed to scrub the inside of my toilet, move a large bookcase, picked up a second-hand cabinet (which is now my scrapbook supply station), caught up on laundry, attended the Detroit Red Wings practice, read half of a book (it isn't very enjoyable), walked part of the way up Knox Mtn., and...that's about it, more or less.
I know those are accomplishments, but they don't feel like much of anything. Aside from the Knox Mtn. walk, I haven't really done any fitness this week. Laundry is something that must be done, or we're left wearing dirty clothes or going naked. The new scrapbook cabinet is exciting. The Red Wings practice was great. In one way or another, these things can be checked off on one of several mental 'to-do' lists-they just aren't the grandiose things I was hoping to accomplish.
Are my expectations out of whack? Or, am I just far less organized and motivated than I think I am? The week is half finished. Before I realize it, Monday will be here, along with work and school. I want to make the most of what remains of my freedom, but I have to wonder if I don't overwhelm myself. There are so many things that I want to do. I feel pulled in so many directions, and I am no comic strip super-hero with a stretchy body! Well, it might feel like I am literally pulled in multiple directions at once, but the truth is that my effectiveness diminishes the more stretched I allow myself to be. Multi-tasking has its' place and purposes, and I can be an effective multi-tasker. However, I don't believe we were designed to live our lives in a constant state of juggling. I can multi-task, but I cannot juggle!
Perhaps I need to give myself permission to succeed, to take small steps and reach each one before moving onto the next one. I have always been a list-maker, but I know that I am far more efficient with a visible list rather than just a mental one.
Step 1: Must make lists!
Step 2: Prioritize!
Step 3: Just do it!
Instead, I managed to scrub the inside of my toilet, move a large bookcase, picked up a second-hand cabinet (which is now my scrapbook supply station), caught up on laundry, attended the Detroit Red Wings practice, read half of a book (it isn't very enjoyable), walked part of the way up Knox Mtn., and...that's about it, more or less.
I know those are accomplishments, but they don't feel like much of anything. Aside from the Knox Mtn. walk, I haven't really done any fitness this week. Laundry is something that must be done, or we're left wearing dirty clothes or going naked. The new scrapbook cabinet is exciting. The Red Wings practice was great. In one way or another, these things can be checked off on one of several mental 'to-do' lists-they just aren't the grandiose things I was hoping to accomplish.
Are my expectations out of whack? Or, am I just far less organized and motivated than I think I am? The week is half finished. Before I realize it, Monday will be here, along with work and school. I want to make the most of what remains of my freedom, but I have to wonder if I don't overwhelm myself. There are so many things that I want to do. I feel pulled in so many directions, and I am no comic strip super-hero with a stretchy body! Well, it might feel like I am literally pulled in multiple directions at once, but the truth is that my effectiveness diminishes the more stretched I allow myself to be. Multi-tasking has its' place and purposes, and I can be an effective multi-tasker. However, I don't believe we were designed to live our lives in a constant state of juggling. I can multi-task, but I cannot juggle!
Perhaps I need to give myself permission to succeed, to take small steps and reach each one before moving onto the next one. I have always been a list-maker, but I know that I am far more efficient with a visible list rather than just a mental one.
Step 1: Must make lists!
Step 2: Prioritize!
Step 3: Just do it!
Friday, March 05, 2010
Deceptively Delicious
I found a cookbook that makes me feel like a super spy! Actually, I came across Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld a while ago, while browsing the local bookstore, but the price was too steep and my quick perusal found little to inspire. The idea of making fruit and vegetable purees to hide in various recipes seemed like a lot of work for food that Sam, my pickiest eater, wouldn't touch. Fast forward to the other day when Kane and I were at the library. I came across this same cookbook, took a slightly more leisurely look through the pages and decided to check it out. Maybe it's the fact that I am cooking more and relying less on pre-packaged items, but this time I felt like even Sam might eat some of the recipes. And if I can get him to eat even just a few items from this book, then I will have accomplished a minor miracle!
So excited was I about this cookbook that I went to the bookstore last night to purchase my own copy. The price was much more modest-only $14, compared to $30! I was so excited about trying out the recipes.
This morning I made chocolate chip cookies from the cookbook. They are just like any other chocolate chip cookie, except for the addition of chickpeas. And they taste great! I don't think the kids will know that there is something different. I wouldn't even know if I hadn't made them myself. Even then, I can't taste the chickpeas!
I have butternut squash baking and carrots steaming as I type. The second recipe I want to make is called Tortilla Cigars, but I'll just call them taquidos as that is what the kids will compare them to. I hope. If Sam will eat these, then I will be over the moon.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Strange Schedules
It's funny how one minor change can play games with your mind.
It's an absolutely beautiful day. It feels more like May 4th instead of March 4th. I had a decent day at work, followed by a somewhat tedious hour watching the wrap-up to the district Science Fair that Abby was in. When I finally got home and had opportunity to actually use the computer, I electronically asked a friend how he did on his final exams for a course he is taking. He got back to me with the "news" that his exams were tomorrow morning.
There are times when I am glad that I can communicate electronically without the benefit of visual contact, because this was one moment when I must have looked quite odd. I admit to being a little perplexed. I was certain that I had been told that the exams were on Friday. In fact, I had even gone back through old messages to be certain before I sent my query. When that information still didn't compute in my brain, I then wondered why he would have exams on a Saturday morning. Seemed rather odd to me...until my brain finally fired on all cylinders, and I realized that today was only Thursday!
You see, for the past several weeks, if not longer, my work week has seen me scheduled rather consistently for Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays. The scheduler thought she would mix things up a bit for me this week and had me work Monday, Thursday and Saturday. It truly was not a major change, although I do enjoy having three consecutive days off, but my brain obviously missed the memo.
It is Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday; a rare Friday off work for me! Hopefully the weather will be just as gorgeous tomorrow, so that I can get in a good walk, possibly a partial jog.
It's an absolutely beautiful day. It feels more like May 4th instead of March 4th. I had a decent day at work, followed by a somewhat tedious hour watching the wrap-up to the district Science Fair that Abby was in. When I finally got home and had opportunity to actually use the computer, I electronically asked a friend how he did on his final exams for a course he is taking. He got back to me with the "news" that his exams were tomorrow morning.
There are times when I am glad that I can communicate electronically without the benefit of visual contact, because this was one moment when I must have looked quite odd. I admit to being a little perplexed. I was certain that I had been told that the exams were on Friday. In fact, I had even gone back through old messages to be certain before I sent my query. When that information still didn't compute in my brain, I then wondered why he would have exams on a Saturday morning. Seemed rather odd to me...until my brain finally fired on all cylinders, and I realized that today was only Thursday!
You see, for the past several weeks, if not longer, my work week has seen me scheduled rather consistently for Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays. The scheduler thought she would mix things up a bit for me this week and had me work Monday, Thursday and Saturday. It truly was not a major change, although I do enjoy having three consecutive days off, but my brain obviously missed the memo.
It is Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday; a rare Friday off work for me! Hopefully the weather will be just as gorgeous tomorrow, so that I can get in a good walk, possibly a partial jog.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Strange Days
The Olympics are over, and I can get back to a normal routine. Or so I thought. Instead, this week is looking to be a strange and busy schmozzle. I don't know if 'schmozzle' is even a word, and I don't really care. I can make up a word if I want to, especially if it matches how I feel.
Today and tomorrow are my consecutive days off for the week, which really wouldn't be an issue under normal circumstances. Three days would be better, but I can typically get a lot accomplished in two days. It's just that these two days have large chunks of time gobbled up with extra-curricular parental duties, namely playing chauffeur and chaperon.
I left the house shortly after 8am this morning and did not return until nearly 2pm. That's almost like going to work! Half of my time was spent at Abby's basketball tournament. The other half was spent picking up photos for Abby's science fair project, buying produce, and taking Casey to the doctor ('cause he is sick once again!). So, I'm still doing laundry at 7:30pm instead of having it all finished by mid-afternoon. The only housework I got done was squirting toilet bowl cleaner and swishing with the scrub brush. I didn't make it to the library. My kitchen is still a mess.
Tomorrow is another crazy day. Abby won the privilege of attending a district science fair, which takes place tomorrow afternoon/evening and all day Thursday. I'm working Thursday, so I'll miss that part. But, I will need to pick her up from school at 2:30 and take her to the college. She will be at the college from 3pm to about 7:30pm and needing parental supervision for most of that time. So, anything I want or need to do or didn't get done today will need to be crammed into tomorrow morning.
I still need to go to the library. They don't open until 10am. I still have at least one, maybe two loads of laundry to do. I have to make supper (Italian wedding soup) before I pick up Abby. A walk would really be good, if I can fit it in. I have a bunch of scrap booking stuff to clean up/put away after it was dumped in order to use the spare table over the weekend. I'd like enough time just to actually do some scrap booking! Actually, I could make a long list of things that need to be done, but those are the things that get put on the back burner as there just isn't enough time in the day.
Then I work Thursday. Friday is a day off, but those single days off are always more about existing than living. Saturday is a full work day with an early start. I'm looking forward to it though. It is the last Saturday shift without a certain manager, which means that I am in charge. I'm not a power hungry maniac, but I am a harder and more efficient worker than this manager. She'll be back next week, and things will go back to being inefficient and mismanaged. Ah, but then I am taking a week off!
Guess I'll need to plan my week off, so that I can cross off some 'to-do items' and still get some 'me' time.
Today and tomorrow are my consecutive days off for the week, which really wouldn't be an issue under normal circumstances. Three days would be better, but I can typically get a lot accomplished in two days. It's just that these two days have large chunks of time gobbled up with extra-curricular parental duties, namely playing chauffeur and chaperon.
I left the house shortly after 8am this morning and did not return until nearly 2pm. That's almost like going to work! Half of my time was spent at Abby's basketball tournament. The other half was spent picking up photos for Abby's science fair project, buying produce, and taking Casey to the doctor ('cause he is sick once again!). So, I'm still doing laundry at 7:30pm instead of having it all finished by mid-afternoon. The only housework I got done was squirting toilet bowl cleaner and swishing with the scrub brush. I didn't make it to the library. My kitchen is still a mess.
Tomorrow is another crazy day. Abby won the privilege of attending a district science fair, which takes place tomorrow afternoon/evening and all day Thursday. I'm working Thursday, so I'll miss that part. But, I will need to pick her up from school at 2:30 and take her to the college. She will be at the college from 3pm to about 7:30pm and needing parental supervision for most of that time. So, anything I want or need to do or didn't get done today will need to be crammed into tomorrow morning.
I still need to go to the library. They don't open until 10am. I still have at least one, maybe two loads of laundry to do. I have to make supper (Italian wedding soup) before I pick up Abby. A walk would really be good, if I can fit it in. I have a bunch of scrap booking stuff to clean up/put away after it was dumped in order to use the spare table over the weekend. I'd like enough time just to actually do some scrap booking! Actually, I could make a long list of things that need to be done, but those are the things that get put on the back burner as there just isn't enough time in the day.
Then I work Thursday. Friday is a day off, but those single days off are always more about existing than living. Saturday is a full work day with an early start. I'm looking forward to it though. It is the last Saturday shift without a certain manager, which means that I am in charge. I'm not a power hungry maniac, but I am a harder and more efficient worker than this manager. She'll be back next week, and things will go back to being inefficient and mismanaged. Ah, but then I am taking a week off!
Guess I'll need to plan my week off, so that I can cross off some 'to-do items' and still get some 'me' time.
Monday, March 01, 2010
How Strange
It feels a little strange to come home from work today and not immediately turn on the television to see what was going on at the Olympics.
We watched The Vampire's Assistant last night. It was a better movie than I had thought it would be, but it had a strange kind of feel to it. I can't quite put my finger on why. John C. Reilly's character was an odd sort of vampire, at least as far as most vampires go. Parts of the movie were quite campy, while other parts tried to be serious. I liked it enough to desire the proposed sequels, but I wouldn't pay to see it at the theatre.
Our weather has certainly been strange. Winter is just about over, yet it feels like we're still waiting for it to begin! I am hoping that our mild winter will not bring us an icy and bitter spring, and it sure would be nice to have a nice, moderately hot summer extending well into the fall.
It feels incredibly strange to realize that I am slightly more than a year away from having a high school graduate for a child! My baby will enter middle school in the fall. Surely I am not old enough to be mother to these children?!
At first glance, some of the themes for NaBloPoMo seem a little strange, but I always find myself savoring the theme in my head, twisting and turning it, flirting with ideas. The challenge is to take those thoughts and put them down. March's theme is STRANGE(R). Hmmm....
We watched The Vampire's Assistant last night. It was a better movie than I had thought it would be, but it had a strange kind of feel to it. I can't quite put my finger on why. John C. Reilly's character was an odd sort of vampire, at least as far as most vampires go. Parts of the movie were quite campy, while other parts tried to be serious. I liked it enough to desire the proposed sequels, but I wouldn't pay to see it at the theatre.
Our weather has certainly been strange. Winter is just about over, yet it feels like we're still waiting for it to begin! I am hoping that our mild winter will not bring us an icy and bitter spring, and it sure would be nice to have a nice, moderately hot summer extending well into the fall.
It feels incredibly strange to realize that I am slightly more than a year away from having a high school graduate for a child! My baby will enter middle school in the fall. Surely I am not old enough to be mother to these children?!
At first glance, some of the themes for NaBloPoMo seem a little strange, but I always find myself savoring the theme in my head, twisting and turning it, flirting with ideas. The challenge is to take those thoughts and put them down. March's theme is STRANGE(R). Hmmm....
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Olympic Fever
I love the Olympics. I love the feeling of Canadian pride as one of our athletes performs to his/her best, whether a medal is won or not. I enjoy watching the Olympics through the eyes of Canadian broadcasters and the stories they tell about the athletes, our own and other nation's. My voice cracks with emotion if I try to recount one of those heart-warming stories or sing our anthem during a medal ceremony. I grimace with every fall and applaud that little bit of extra effort. As sappy as the television commercials have been in the months leading up to these Vancouver Olympics, I do believe!
In my opinion, our Own the Podium program has been a success, although my definition of success might be different than that of the program creators. I do not believe that the goal of being the number one medal-winning country was ever realistic or achievable. It just is not! Our national population is less than the population of California! How could we ever compete in a numbers game against the Americans? Rather, I believe the Own the Podium program has been successful because of the awesome performances by our athletes, medal-winners and non-medal-winners alike. We currently have 7 gold medals, with another three to be determined in the next day or two. Never before has a Canadian athlete won gold on Canadian soil at the Olympics! We have 7. SEVEN! Does it really matter if we are third or four in the medal standings? I don't think so. Maybe if we were in the middle or near the bottom, but a top 4 or 5 finish is nothing to be ashamed of. How many athletes have narrowly missed stepping onto that podium? How many athletes have achieved personal bests at these Games? How many athletes have overcome the odds to even be there?
In my opinion, these Games have been a success on so many levels. I was awed by the opening ceremonies. I've been glued to my television as much as possible, quick to cheer on our athletes, celebrating victories, and simply proud to be Canadian. It's almost a little sad to think of how quickly the Games are coming to an end. The Winter Olympics are definitely my favourite, and four years feels like a long time! But, I am eager to see what Russia will do for the Sochi Olympics in 2014.
All good things come to an end eventually. Sunday will bring the men's ice hockey gold medal game (hopefully with Canada playing) and the closing ceremonies. We can pat ourselves on the back, proud of what we British Columbians have put on for the world. And then, we can get back to routine and normalcy. As much as I've been loving the Olympics, I've also been missing the regular flow of life that is not arranged around the television.
In my opinion, our Own the Podium program has been a success, although my definition of success might be different than that of the program creators. I do not believe that the goal of being the number one medal-winning country was ever realistic or achievable. It just is not! Our national population is less than the population of California! How could we ever compete in a numbers game against the Americans? Rather, I believe the Own the Podium program has been successful because of the awesome performances by our athletes, medal-winners and non-medal-winners alike. We currently have 7 gold medals, with another three to be determined in the next day or two. Never before has a Canadian athlete won gold on Canadian soil at the Olympics! We have 7. SEVEN! Does it really matter if we are third or four in the medal standings? I don't think so. Maybe if we were in the middle or near the bottom, but a top 4 or 5 finish is nothing to be ashamed of. How many athletes have narrowly missed stepping onto that podium? How many athletes have achieved personal bests at these Games? How many athletes have overcome the odds to even be there?
In my opinion, these Games have been a success on so many levels. I was awed by the opening ceremonies. I've been glued to my television as much as possible, quick to cheer on our athletes, celebrating victories, and simply proud to be Canadian. It's almost a little sad to think of how quickly the Games are coming to an end. The Winter Olympics are definitely my favourite, and four years feels like a long time! But, I am eager to see what Russia will do for the Sochi Olympics in 2014.
All good things come to an end eventually. Sunday will bring the men's ice hockey gold medal game (hopefully with Canada playing) and the closing ceremonies. We can pat ourselves on the back, proud of what we British Columbians have put on for the world. And then, we can get back to routine and normalcy. As much as I've been loving the Olympics, I've also been missing the regular flow of life that is not arranged around the television.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Board Shorts Blues No More
Two, maybe three, years ago, I bought a pair of board shorts that fit me, more or less. After a lengthy and fruitless search, I finally found one pair that I could get over my hips and do up, even if bending over ultimately popped the snap. Maybe I should not have bought them, but I did and they have sat in a drawer unused ever since.
Last night, on a whim, I decided to try them on, to see if my loss of 13 pounds and nearly 3 inches off my waist had made any impact on the fit of these shorts. I put them on, zipped the zipper and snapped the snap. Ha ha! I didn't need to suck in my gut to do them up. I sat down on the edge of the bed. The snap held. I stood up and bent over. The snap still held. What do you know!
Last night, on a whim, I decided to try them on, to see if my loss of 13 pounds and nearly 3 inches off my waist had made any impact on the fit of these shorts. I put them on, zipped the zipper and snapped the snap. Ha ha! I didn't need to suck in my gut to do them up. I sat down on the edge of the bed. The snap held. I stood up and bent over. The snap still held. What do you know!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Head Games
A headache started late yesterday afternoon and progressed through the night. I did not sleep well, which I think can be blamed on the headache that raged on through the night and followed me into morning. I hate going to bed with a headache only to wake up with the same headache! And even though some Ibuprofen dulled the pain today, I could still feel that headache lurking just beneath the surface. In fact, as I type this at 9:00pm, I can feel the headache once again gaining strength. Headaches suck!
I have lived with headaches enough over the past 2.5 years to have come up with different descriptions or classifications for my headaches. They are not all the same.
The nearly constant headaches feel more like static or fuzziness than pain. These headaches are the type that wear you down and exhaust you. I learned to live with them, even if I hated them and found their constant presence disruptive and frustrating. They are like white noise, because most of the time you can almost forget that they are even there...except not really. This type of headache is the most dangerous, at least for me. Like the steady drip of water on stone, these headaches will eventually wear you down to nothing.
The headache I am facing right now is not that headache. No. This headache is more potent in strength, more quick to debilitate. It's the kind of headache that builds up steam and strength until the pain is so strong that the slightest movement of the head sends painful pulses through the brain. The whole head hurts, but the pain is greatest directly behind the ears and around the base of the skull, as if an angry giant has grabbed hold of me by the scruff of my neck. It's strong enough at times to make me feel almost nauseous. Sometimes Ibuprofen will take off the edge for a little while; other times the drug will be enough to send that giant far, far away.
The low-dose anti-depressant my doctor has me one was prescribed to help with my headaches, and it has worked quite well, for the most part. The static headaches have virtually disappeared, since I began taking the little pill mid-December. Hey! That's good news! There is something wonderful about being able to think clearly day after day. I can count on one hand the number of headaches I have had since I started taking this drug, which is an amazing feat by my standards. When you have lived with one continuous headache for months and months on end, having only two or three headaches in a two month span is quite a miracle!
I guess I can't complain about this particular headache too much considering that I have been doing so well recently. It's just that sleep is so precious, which is supposed to be another positive effect of my drug-the little extra help in the sleep department. But I did not sleep well last night. With the headache once again gaining strength as bedtime draws near, I cannot help but worry that another night of restless, unproductive sleep is what awaits me.
I have lived with headaches enough over the past 2.5 years to have come up with different descriptions or classifications for my headaches. They are not all the same.
The nearly constant headaches feel more like static or fuzziness than pain. These headaches are the type that wear you down and exhaust you. I learned to live with them, even if I hated them and found their constant presence disruptive and frustrating. They are like white noise, because most of the time you can almost forget that they are even there...except not really. This type of headache is the most dangerous, at least for me. Like the steady drip of water on stone, these headaches will eventually wear you down to nothing.
The headache I am facing right now is not that headache. No. This headache is more potent in strength, more quick to debilitate. It's the kind of headache that builds up steam and strength until the pain is so strong that the slightest movement of the head sends painful pulses through the brain. The whole head hurts, but the pain is greatest directly behind the ears and around the base of the skull, as if an angry giant has grabbed hold of me by the scruff of my neck. It's strong enough at times to make me feel almost nauseous. Sometimes Ibuprofen will take off the edge for a little while; other times the drug will be enough to send that giant far, far away.
The low-dose anti-depressant my doctor has me one was prescribed to help with my headaches, and it has worked quite well, for the most part. The static headaches have virtually disappeared, since I began taking the little pill mid-December. Hey! That's good news! There is something wonderful about being able to think clearly day after day. I can count on one hand the number of headaches I have had since I started taking this drug, which is an amazing feat by my standards. When you have lived with one continuous headache for months and months on end, having only two or three headaches in a two month span is quite a miracle!
I guess I can't complain about this particular headache too much considering that I have been doing so well recently. It's just that sleep is so precious, which is supposed to be another positive effect of my drug-the little extra help in the sleep department. But I did not sleep well last night. With the headache once again gaining strength as bedtime draws near, I cannot help but worry that another night of restless, unproductive sleep is what awaits me.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Little Voice
I am sitting here, moved nearly to tears, humbled and awed and feebly trying to fit the pieces together. Several minutes ago, I sat to write in my journal and came up empty-nothing to write, so I grabbed my Bible. My Bible is tucked into a basket close at hand, yet so seldom have I cracked its' pages these past few years. I wasn't sure what to read, but I suddenly found my way to Elijah's story in 1 Kings, seeking to glean some insight into his bout of depression.
It was necessary to start with the challenge at Mount Carmel, the "mountain-top experience", before reading of his "desert or valley experience", when he feared for his life. That was the story I looked for-the depression and despair, because that is the place I am at, or have been for so long. However, as I read, there was so much more to the story than I remembered, and this was what reached inside my soul and touched me.
1 Kings 19:11-15 (NKJV)
"Then He said, 'Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.' And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rock in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind, and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.
So it was, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. Suddenly a voice came to him, and said, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'
And he said, 'I have been very zealous for the LORD God of hosts; because the children of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they seek to take my life.'
Then the LORD said to him, 'Go, return on your way to the Wilderness of Damascus, and when you arrive, anoint Hazael as king over Syria.'"
Now I don't pretend to have achieved any special "mountain-top" victories in my life, but I have certainly felt like the depressed Elijah. No one may truly seek to take my life, but I have certainly felt as if my 'enemies' seek my pain and suffering. The years of thinly disguised hate from certain in-laws, the bitter demise of one of my closest friendships, the loneliness and disappointment at our previous church-all these things have made me feel rather like Elijah when he runs away, then cries out to God in despair. That's me! I have felt so alone, dry and dusty, and threatened, that I have, in essence, run away to a secret refuge.
Although it may at times be difficult to recognize God's tender ministrations towards me, I do not doubt that He has indeed been with me all along. But the part of the story that touched me anew today was God's response to Elijah's lament. Through the wind, the earthquake, and fire, though awesome and powerful, God was not there. Instead, God was in a still small voice! My God can certainly be found within the mighty and the spectacular, but sometimes, maybe more often than not, God is experienced in a still small voice.
In the hustle and bustle of life, it is oh so easy to look for the next big flashy thing. We believe that anything of value must come with happy feelings and awesome special effects. We forget. I forget that wisdom and hope are easily drowned out.
But there is more! God wasn't yet finished with Elijah; He just sent him in a different direction. And with that knowledge comes hope and an inkling of joy that there is still more for me. God isn't finished with me yet!
It was necessary to start with the challenge at Mount Carmel, the "mountain-top experience", before reading of his "desert or valley experience", when he feared for his life. That was the story I looked for-the depression and despair, because that is the place I am at, or have been for so long. However, as I read, there was so much more to the story than I remembered, and this was what reached inside my soul and touched me.
1 Kings 19:11-15 (NKJV)
"Then He said, 'Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.' And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rock in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind, and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.
So it was, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. Suddenly a voice came to him, and said, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'
And he said, 'I have been very zealous for the LORD God of hosts; because the children of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they seek to take my life.'
Then the LORD said to him, 'Go, return on your way to the Wilderness of Damascus, and when you arrive, anoint Hazael as king over Syria.'"
Now I don't pretend to have achieved any special "mountain-top" victories in my life, but I have certainly felt like the depressed Elijah. No one may truly seek to take my life, but I have certainly felt as if my 'enemies' seek my pain and suffering. The years of thinly disguised hate from certain in-laws, the bitter demise of one of my closest friendships, the loneliness and disappointment at our previous church-all these things have made me feel rather like Elijah when he runs away, then cries out to God in despair. That's me! I have felt so alone, dry and dusty, and threatened, that I have, in essence, run away to a secret refuge.
Although it may at times be difficult to recognize God's tender ministrations towards me, I do not doubt that He has indeed been with me all along. But the part of the story that touched me anew today was God's response to Elijah's lament. Through the wind, the earthquake, and fire, though awesome and powerful, God was not there. Instead, God was in a still small voice! My God can certainly be found within the mighty and the spectacular, but sometimes, maybe more often than not, God is experienced in a still small voice.
In the hustle and bustle of life, it is oh so easy to look for the next big flashy thing. We believe that anything of value must come with happy feelings and awesome special effects. We forget. I forget that wisdom and hope are easily drowned out.
But there is more! God wasn't yet finished with Elijah; He just sent him in a different direction. And with that knowledge comes hope and an inkling of joy that there is still more for me. God isn't finished with me yet!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
BFF
I had lunch with a friend today, and it was good. We ate and talked, laughed and shared those sympathetic, bittersweet kind of smiles that are sometimes the only response when faced with less than ideal situations. The time flew by and soon was over, and my friend returned to his job. I came back home to Olympics, a dental appointment, supper preparations, and Mom's taxi service. It's always good to get together with a friend; it just does not always happen nearly often enough!
I love my friends deeply. I appreciate what they bring to our relationship and hope that what I have to offer is of equal value. I hope that I am a good friend. Sometimes I don't feel like much of a friend. Sometimes I just feel rather alone. Life is busy, sometimes down right crazy! I miss what once was, but I also know that sometimes you cannot go back to the past.
Once upon a time, there were five women who shared two common bonds: a relationship with God and being a mother. We already knew each other at varying levels of friendship, but we chose to forge a group together, a place for honesty, love, encouragement, and support. We met regularly and, from a tentative start, we grew together, tightly-knit. We added one to our number and felt the loss of one when she moved away. We added another, but by this time our precious group was already being stretched in ways that we couldn't fully comprehend. As the years went by, each of our lives became busier, and finding an all-inclusive time and place to meet began to be a seemingly impossible task. Still we plodded along as best we could. One woman experienced an unthinkable betrayal, and the rest of the group rallied around our hurting friend. We loved, encouraged, and supported all the ways we knew how. Unfortunately, this one friend changed into someone that we no longer recognized.
There is so much that could be said about what went wrong, but there is no point to dragging all that muck to the surface. It would only serve to rub grit into my open wounds and cloud reasoning.
Ultimately, our little group succumbed, although I would not yet declare it officially dead! Those of us that remain do still get together, although so seldom as that is what our schedules seem to allow. The rest of us celebrate birthdays and special moments. The rest of us maintain a connection despite our infrequency in coming together.
I cannot blame this one woman, this former friend, for breaking our group apart. Well, I could, but it wouldn't be fair or justified. As I said earlier, we're all busy people with busy families. When you're busy some things just take a back seat. The problem, at least for me, is that it is far too easy to forget about that item in the back seat! In the rush and bustle of a busy day or week, I simply don't look at what is in the back seat. If something isn't written on my calendar, chances are good that it will be lost, forgotten. Ha! Even things that are on my calendar sometimes get "lost" until the last minute!
I miss my group of friends and the good thing we had going on. It was never perfect, but what is. This group filled a hole in my life when I most needed filling up. Out of this group grew two of my closest friendships...and even that has been affected. The one who hurt so deeply and in turn hurt us so deeply was one of those best friends, and I don't know that I will ever fully come to grips with that loss.
Which brings me back to the beginning of this post, more or less. I love my friends. I miss my friends when too much time has passed between catch-ups, because that's what seems to be the order of any given visit-quick catch-ups littered with holes, missing information that everyone is presumed to already have.
I love my friends deeply. I appreciate what they bring to our relationship and hope that what I have to offer is of equal value. I hope that I am a good friend. Sometimes I don't feel like much of a friend. Sometimes I just feel rather alone. Life is busy, sometimes down right crazy! I miss what once was, but I also know that sometimes you cannot go back to the past.
Once upon a time, there were five women who shared two common bonds: a relationship with God and being a mother. We already knew each other at varying levels of friendship, but we chose to forge a group together, a place for honesty, love, encouragement, and support. We met regularly and, from a tentative start, we grew together, tightly-knit. We added one to our number and felt the loss of one when she moved away. We added another, but by this time our precious group was already being stretched in ways that we couldn't fully comprehend. As the years went by, each of our lives became busier, and finding an all-inclusive time and place to meet began to be a seemingly impossible task. Still we plodded along as best we could. One woman experienced an unthinkable betrayal, and the rest of the group rallied around our hurting friend. We loved, encouraged, and supported all the ways we knew how. Unfortunately, this one friend changed into someone that we no longer recognized.
There is so much that could be said about what went wrong, but there is no point to dragging all that muck to the surface. It would only serve to rub grit into my open wounds and cloud reasoning.
Ultimately, our little group succumbed, although I would not yet declare it officially dead! Those of us that remain do still get together, although so seldom as that is what our schedules seem to allow. The rest of us celebrate birthdays and special moments. The rest of us maintain a connection despite our infrequency in coming together.
I cannot blame this one woman, this former friend, for breaking our group apart. Well, I could, but it wouldn't be fair or justified. As I said earlier, we're all busy people with busy families. When you're busy some things just take a back seat. The problem, at least for me, is that it is far too easy to forget about that item in the back seat! In the rush and bustle of a busy day or week, I simply don't look at what is in the back seat. If something isn't written on my calendar, chances are good that it will be lost, forgotten. Ha! Even things that are on my calendar sometimes get "lost" until the last minute!
I miss my group of friends and the good thing we had going on. It was never perfect, but what is. This group filled a hole in my life when I most needed filling up. Out of this group grew two of my closest friendships...and even that has been affected. The one who hurt so deeply and in turn hurt us so deeply was one of those best friends, and I don't know that I will ever fully come to grips with that loss.
Which brings me back to the beginning of this post, more or less. I love my friends. I miss my friends when too much time has passed between catch-ups, because that's what seems to be the order of any given visit-quick catch-ups littered with holes, missing information that everyone is presumed to already have.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Depression Update
I had another appointment with my doctor today, more follow up on the depression diagnosis. Things are going well. The little pill seems to be doing its' job in terms of keeping my headaches mostly at bay and helping me to sleep. The doctor gave me another six month prescription, so I am well dosed for the rest of the year! Although this was the first time the doctor mentioned that I can take TWO pills at a time, if I'm not getting enough sleep or headache relief. Hmmm. I've been taking this little pill one per day since I was first diagnosed, and today was my third appointment since then...and he just mentioned this little tidbit now!? Oh well! I can file that away under 'Good to Know'.
Of course, the doctor also asked if I had pinpointed the cause of my depression, because it is important to recognize such things. When I said that I was fairly certain that my depression was directly related to relationships, he immediately asked if I was talking about Kane. Uh, no!
I can see why he would ask if my relationship problems were with my husband. I'm sure that for many people this would be an all too common problem, but that isn't my problem. Okay, I do get a little frustrated with my husband at times, especially with his being at home, under foot so often lately, but that is fluff. I can live with fluff! You get annoyed with it for a moment, and then you just brush it off and move on with life. Fluff is easy.
So, I clarified my comment by saying that it was more a result of issues with my brother-in-law and his wife and the end of my relationship with someone who I thought was my best friend forever. The doctor ignored, or let slide, the in-law side of the problem and instead asked why my friendship ended. I gave the briefest and matter-of-fact explanation to which he commented that it hurts, but it was her choice.
And it is true! I still don't really understand it. Even if I can understand the mechanics of what happened between us, I still struggle to comprehend emotionally how such a close friend could simply cut me out of her life, and I am bothered by the fact that there seems to be no regret or sense of loss on her part. Of course, I don't know what she thinks or how she feels anymore. I have no idea if she ever thinks about me, about us and all that has happened between us. I just assume that she doesn't, because she never responded to any of my attempts to reach her.
But she made the choice to push me away. She made the choice to cut me out of her life. I made a choice also. I chose not to be her doormat any longer, and so I chose to take a step back, to remove myself from the war zone, to rest for a time in a neutral zone. I just didn't expect that the neutral zone would be transformed into the wasteland. I felt like someone who had been banished from the kingdom; I still do.
I can recognize those sources of stress in my life, but there is a limit to what I am actually able to do to resolve those issues. That's the thing about relationship problems-it takes two to tango! I can only do what I can do.
The only other possible root for my depression was the nearly constant headaches and frequent back pain stemming from being rear-ended more than two years ago. Thankfully the pill helps with the headaches, which in itself is a life-saver! The back pain still comes and goes depending on what I am doing, but I would have to say that the occurrences are less frequent now that I have been getting more active.
So, I don't need to go back to the doctor about the depression unless I feel a need. He did caution me to be aware of how I am feeling next fall, in case part of my depression is seasonal. If it is, then we can look at all the options available for treating SAD at that time.
Of course, the doctor also asked if I had pinpointed the cause of my depression, because it is important to recognize such things. When I said that I was fairly certain that my depression was directly related to relationships, he immediately asked if I was talking about Kane. Uh, no!
I can see why he would ask if my relationship problems were with my husband. I'm sure that for many people this would be an all too common problem, but that isn't my problem. Okay, I do get a little frustrated with my husband at times, especially with his being at home, under foot so often lately, but that is fluff. I can live with fluff! You get annoyed with it for a moment, and then you just brush it off and move on with life. Fluff is easy.
So, I clarified my comment by saying that it was more a result of issues with my brother-in-law and his wife and the end of my relationship with someone who I thought was my best friend forever. The doctor ignored, or let slide, the in-law side of the problem and instead asked why my friendship ended. I gave the briefest and matter-of-fact explanation to which he commented that it hurts, but it was her choice.
And it is true! I still don't really understand it. Even if I can understand the mechanics of what happened between us, I still struggle to comprehend emotionally how such a close friend could simply cut me out of her life, and I am bothered by the fact that there seems to be no regret or sense of loss on her part. Of course, I don't know what she thinks or how she feels anymore. I have no idea if she ever thinks about me, about us and all that has happened between us. I just assume that she doesn't, because she never responded to any of my attempts to reach her.
But she made the choice to push me away. She made the choice to cut me out of her life. I made a choice also. I chose not to be her doormat any longer, and so I chose to take a step back, to remove myself from the war zone, to rest for a time in a neutral zone. I just didn't expect that the neutral zone would be transformed into the wasteland. I felt like someone who had been banished from the kingdom; I still do.
I can recognize those sources of stress in my life, but there is a limit to what I am actually able to do to resolve those issues. That's the thing about relationship problems-it takes two to tango! I can only do what I can do.
The only other possible root for my depression was the nearly constant headaches and frequent back pain stemming from being rear-ended more than two years ago. Thankfully the pill helps with the headaches, which in itself is a life-saver! The back pain still comes and goes depending on what I am doing, but I would have to say that the occurrences are less frequent now that I have been getting more active.
So, I don't need to go back to the doctor about the depression unless I feel a need. He did caution me to be aware of how I am feeling next fall, in case part of my depression is seasonal. If it is, then we can look at all the options available for treating SAD at that time.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Ties
(NaBloPoMo's theme for February is TIES, which could be taken in a multitude of ways. Since I have already missed the first two days of the month, it is rather obvious that I won't be posting every day of the month. That's okay, I guess. )
My snarky attitude has prevailed over the past couple of weeks. I hate feeling that way, but I am at least starting to recognize how my depression ties things together. Recognition is only half the battle though. I still need to overcome it, and that is not always such a simple task. Sometimes, there is a fleeting feeling of pleasure in being irritable and, like an addiction, I am constantly pulled toward that guilty pleasure. Then, I am swamped with feelings of guilt and shame, which only make me feel worse and seeking avoidance. It's a vicious cycle, really, and my Bounce Back workbooks illustrate this through every page. But, if I remember the wisdom within those pages, then I am able to start making strides towards positive thinking which will lead to positive actions.
The problem is that I often lack patience and want things to happen all at once. Depression can't be fixed that way. What I can do is celebrate each little step that brings me success, focus on those things, and give myself the grace required to move past my failures. Perhaps the biggest thing of all to remember is that there is no size requirement for success!
And so, here are some recent successes, big and small:
1. I am oh so close to having lost 10 pounds since January 10th.
2. I have lost a total of 4.5 inches between my chest, waist and hips since January 10th.
3. I had this week's dinner meals planned by last Saturday.
4. I went for a 35 minute, fast paced walk yesterday, and a 40 minute, fast paced walk today.
5. I have been doing some yoga and weight exercises on a nearly daily basis since January 10th.
6. I have started reading books again! It had been a couple of months since reading held any interest to me (depression symptom), but I have read 4.5 books in a week.
7. I haven't had potato chips or a chocolate bar or ice cream or a real dessert since January 10th.
8. I mailed an actual letter to a friend last week (another lost interest).
9. I am eating vegetables and fruit every day, and often multiple servings.
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