Looking Inward

Anyone who knows me knows that I am quiet, shy and so not out-going. I've always been this way, and yet I realize that I've erected a substantial wall around myself over the course of the past 5 years or so. I don't think it happened intentionally, but I suppose that I can't claim complete ignorance of the construction either. It's not uncommon for people to close up shop when they have been hurt, and I have never been an out of the ordinary kind of person.

A second-hand comment made its' way to my ear the other day. It was a comment about me needing to come out of my shell and was spoken by an unnamed person who more than likely hasn't made an effort to get to know me. I could ask my husband who made the comment, but I really don't need to know. What I do know is that it came from someone at our church...and I know that there are very few people there who know me or even make an effort.

The comment both irritates the snot out of me and causes me to re-focus the magnifying glass on my heart. Anger simmers beneath the surface when hearing a comment like this, because it usually comes from someone who does not know me, hasn't taken the time to get to know me, or has a completely different personality. Most of the time such comments come with the insinuation that there is something wrong with being introverted, and I am tired of being told that I need to change this innate nature in order to please someone else.

I am quiet. I can be quite shy. I typically do not talk much in social situations, and I am not fond of large group gatherings where I know few people. However, I am quite capable of speaking and surviving social functions. I may not feel at ease amongst a group of strangers, my knees might knock together while speaking in front of groups of 10 or 100, and my mind might go blank when it is time to make small talk, but I am not socially retarded. It will take time and effort to get beneath the surface with me, but isn't that true for most people anyway?

More than five years ago we left our church home for a brief period of wandering before putting down roots in a new church home. The old church had been home for several years, and we had been happy there. We were involved and active in many ways and areas. I personally didn't have any close relationships there, but we knew most everyone and felt comfortable and cared for. There was a time when I desperately wanted closer relationships within the church, and I even went out on a limb, opened myself up to someone who I thought was interested in digging deeper. She dropped the ball. I retreated and watched as her relationships with others blossomed. I withered.

There is more to our leaving that church than this one situation, but a big part of our leaving had to do with the lack of personal relationship. We did the 'right' things. We were involved. We welcomed people into our homes. There were always hellos and handshakes in the foyer...but nothing else. No one cared enough to drop us a line or give us a call when we stopped attending that church.

And in a little way, I stopped caring. We were burned out and hurting. We laid low. We tried a few churches and found a measure of relief in becoming lost in one of the big churches in town. At least until we were ready to become people instead of numbers.

We found our new church about 5 years ago and here we stay, but I still feel like a number instead of a person. This time I know it is my fault, my lack of doing. Mostly.

We've been involved here or there in little ways, nothing major or life changing. I've been content to go to church for the service and come home. I drop Abby off at programs and encourage the boys to go to youth as often as it can fit into their schedules. I encourage Kane to get involved, to meet guys. I look at upcoming women's events with skepticism and longing and resignation. I am not about to go by myself. I do not want to walk into a room full of strangers, strangers that all have relationships with each other.

And then there's the other major thing...the second source of bricks and mortar for the wall around my heart. The death of a friendship takes a toll on a person, especially when that friendship was so close, deep and real. I tell myself that I'm over it, that the situation no longer causes me pain, and I can almost believe the lie. The feelings of today are vastly different than the feelings of 6, 12 or 24 months ago. There is a measure of healing and growth. The pain itself changes. The sting is less pronounced most of the time, but the most random thing can throw my feelings back 2 years in a heartbeat. The how and why are no longer important. I was hurt and with that hurt comes not only pain but anger, sorrow, insecurity and confusion. So much time was lost over the few years trying to first hold on to this relationship and then to move past it. I've come to accept that there will always be a hole in my heart that only she can fill, and that emptiness seeps into every fibre of my being and swallows me up.

So yeah, I guess I do need to break out of this shell a bit. What strikes me as quirky is that I don't really consider myself unapproachable. I am not a chatty person. Okay. But, I won't turn and run away if approached by someone wanting to talk to me, at least under ordinary conditions. I can live within my own little bubble if necessary, so if you think I need to come out of my shell then maybe you should come and say hello. Or introduce yourself. I am very good at remembering faces and not too bad at remembering names, so why not take a moment to talk to me instead of just telling my husband that I need to come out of my shell? I don't bite...at least not strangers.

I Yam What I Yam

I want to lose a few pounds. I want to get into better physical shape. I want to be able to try on clothes at a store without being overcome by feelings of disgust and frustration. I want to be healthier. I want to be able to go to bed at night without tossing and turning because my hips hurt. I desperately want to be free of these constant headaches. I want!


But, I am lazy. I procrastinate. I hate exercise. I hate gyms. I'm too busy to fit an exercise routine into my schedule. I am not a big water drinker. I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables. I like comfort foods. My body hurts too much. I'm too exhausted. I have so many excuses!


It's silly. I know that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I know that I am capable of stepping outside of my comfort zone. I can do it!


Sometimes I feel strong. Not always.


Little steps lead to bigger steps.


In January, I joined Steps Out, which is a program designed to get people more active by logging their steps. The goal is to walk 10, 000 steps a day...a goal that I am still far from reaching! On my best day, I still was below 5000 steps. But, I am plodding on. The very act of recording my steps has motivated me to get out and walk more, even though I am not keen on walking outside in the winter.


I am making a minor effort to eat more fruits and vegetables. It's still not easy, because I'd rather snack on nothing than grab a piece of fruit. I actually ate kale for the first time a week or so ago and liked it. Last night, I roasted yams with potatoes, carrots and shallots...and I actually ate yam! Now, I've had yams and sweet potato before. Icky. However, I can honestly say that I almost didn't know that I was eating yam last night, and I would eat it again.


Kane has begun talking about a family pass for the recreation centre's weight room and pool. Did I mention that I hate going to gyms? It looks like we'll be giving the gym a try, at least for a month to start, and I almost feel a glimmer of hope or excitement about using the gym. What's wrong with me?!

101 Things About Me

1. I love making lists.
2. Green beans are funny things. I love them from a can. I can tolerate them fresh, but I cannot stand frozen green beans!
3. I absolutely abhor mushrooms in any way, shape or form. They make me gag. My parents often forced me to eat mushrooms as a child, and liver.
4. I don't force my children to eat food that makes them gag.
5. I am comfortable with the sounds of silence.
6. I rather enjoy cooking a large turkey dinner for a houseful of people, but I don't want to do the clean up.
7. I'd rather scrub the toilet than wash dishes.
8. I am 5' 8" tall. My mom will say that I was always the shortest kid in my class, but I always thought I was one of the tallest.
9. My 15 year old son is barely an inch shorter than me now.
10. I've been to almost every hockey rink in Southeast Saskatchewan, and I grew up to the sounds of Hockey Night in Canada, the Canadian Football League, and Stampede Wrestling.
11. I played only 3 years of organized softball. I played softball and slo-pitch with adults more than I ever did with my peers.
12. I am fascinated with Russia.
13. I collect Coca-Cola paraphernalia.
14. I am a night owl with clipped wings.
15. I played the clarinet for two years way back in junior high.
16. I'm trying to learn how to play the violin. I'm teaching myself.
17. I do not have one favourite colour, or even two favourites.
18. I once owned a Wayne Gretzky doll.
19. Aside from babysitting, my first job was helping with the West Coast Amusements bingo when the fair rolled into town.
20. I spent most of my 3 day bingo pay on a pair of Reebok shoes and a pair of acid-washed jeans.
21. In grade 6, I had the lead role in our school's Christmas drama production of The Greatest Christmas Card. I was the mom. I had wanted to be Mary or an angel.
22. I love to write using funky, coloured pens.
23. I love to read, and I will re-read my favourite books/authors over and over again.
24. I love jigsaw puzzles; the bigger and more difficult the better. I'm partial to landscape photos. 25. Depending on the puzzle and the day, I can do a 1000 piece puzzle in a day or two.
26. I love watching my kids do their things.
27. I often get teary while watching my kids do their things, because I am so proud of them.
28. My eyes leak. Usually at the worst possible time.
29. I have a like-hate relationship with my doctor. I like him, but I hate going to see him.
30. I have some really good friends.
31. My husband is my bestest friend.
32. I am very good at remembering faces. Names...not so much. I can even remember a face that I've never been introduced to, and it will drive me nuts months down the road when I see that face again and wonder why it is familiar. 9 times out of 10 I will figure it out, but it could be something as random as someone that I saw at a hockey game making a fool out of himself.
33. I make awesome banana bread and pumpkin pie.
34. I have been journaling for nearly 19 years, and I still get excited every time I open a new book.
35. I'd much rather write a letter or email than talk on the phone.
36. I'm a barefoot kind of girl, except in the winter when my feet get icy cold even with socks on. Ironically, my bare feet can tough out the chilliest of spring days!
37. Autumn is my favourite season.
38. I have scars on the inside of my lip from a tobogganing accident. I walked away with a bloody, fat lip, while the guy I hit wound up with a dislocated shoulder. I was a teenager. He was an adult. And a paramedic!
39. I have a perfect, little triangular scar on my finger, but I don't know why.
40. My favourite dog breed is an English bulldog, but I've discovered that I'm really not dog owner material.
41. I fall asleep to the roar of waves and the call of seagulls. It's a compromise. My husband needs music or talk radio to shut his mind off enough to fall asleep; I need quiet. Music and talk radio keep me awake, because my brain will strain to hear the words no matter how low the volume.
42. I am rather easy-going, never wanting to make waves or push my opinion on others.
43. I hate shopping. I hate the mall. I hate brand name expensive stores. And, I think dressing rooms were designed to pulverize whatever flimsy illusions I might have about the cuteness of an article of clothing hanging on the rack.
44. I could stand to lose anywhere between 20-50 pounds. Can't believe I admitted that 'out loud', but how many people actually read my blog anyway?!
45. I'd much rather soak in a tub of hot, bubbly water at the end of the day than have a shower first thing in the morning.
46. I get restless if I can't re-arrange furniture every few months.
47. I love the mountains, but I miss the beauty of the prairies. Perhaps I've been away too long and my memories have softened with age...no, I still have strong feelings about the bitterness of winter and the plague of grasshoppers in the summer, but there is splendour in the waving fields of grain and the unending sky. And, I miss the clouds! Clouds just aren't the same in the mountains.
48. I did well enough in school, but I know that I could have done so much better. Mostly I coasted.
49. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a teacher, a reporter, a writer, a chef, and a professional wrestler. In many ways, I am all of those things and more.
50. I wear masks.
51. I am trying not to wear masks.
52. I create stories in my head to help me fall asleep. I seldom actually finish a story though, because I fall asleep before I can even get to the good parts. The next night I need to backtrack and re-set the stage before continuing the story...and then I fall asleep again!
53. I have a strong aversion to the taste of coffee. As the TV commercial used to say, "I like my Coffee Crisp!" I've also grown to appreciate a Tim Horton's Iced Capp, but coffee flavour in anything else is a major turn-off.
54. Strangely, my entire job revolves around the making and serving of coffee.
55. I am a Star Wars geek. I've read almost every Star Wars book that I can get my hands on and could recognize most alien species and planets. Most of my fall-to-sleep stories take place in the Star Wars universe.
56. My husband is a Trekkie. We disagree as to who would win in a battle: the Enterprise or a Super Star Destroyer.
57. The Force is on my side!
58. I watch a lot of movies.
59. I love to do my own research into historical people or events after watching a movie based on real life.
60. I had pizza with DC Talk on their tour bus after a concert.
61. I think it is funny that my son likes to listen to Toby Mac who was a member of DC Talk. My son tends to think that the music I like is not very good.
62. I like silver jewellery more than gold.
63. I lost the diamond from my engagement ring twice.
64. My favourite restaurant order is filet mignon with baked potato and some steamed veggies. The steak needs to be rare...red and juicy! A little bit of butter, sour cream and bacon on the potato.
65. I was already sewing before entering grade 9 Home Ec. In class we sewed sweat pants. At home, I sewed a dress for my grade 9 graduation.
66. I don't particularly like sewing.
67. I am more adventurous with food as an adult than I ever was as a kid. There are still things that I will not try and things that I've tried and don't like at all. I had kale for the first time the other day and liked it. I had rapini for the first time the other day and just couldn't get past the taste.
68. I've never been fond of my name, but I can't imagine being called by any other name.
69. You can call me Angela, Ang, Anj, Ange, or even Angie...it doesn't really matter to me. Inwardly I cringe at Angie, but I won't be offended if you use it.
70. I love Dr. Seuss.
71. I am not a morning person.
72. Despite #71, I like working at 6am on a Saturday morning...that is, of course, if I have to work on a Saturday!
73. I'd be lost without my fridge calendar and family day-timer. I'd be even more lost without 6 different colours of high-lighters to use on the calendar/day-timer!
74. I am a homebody. I sometimes have to work up enough motivation to get out of the house, even for a planned activity, because my preference is usually to simply stay home.
75. I have owned 3 different vans within the past year and a half.
76. My grade 8 art teacher from Estevan, Saskatchewan is now a teacher at my daughter's school here in Kelowna, British Columbia. He is also a neighbour, and our kids often play together. I find it very bizarre.
77. I love to curl up on the sofa with my favourite throw blanket, a book, and a cup of Earl Grey tea.
78. I never really liked tea up until a couple of years ago. I started drinking tea when I was breaking my Diet Coke addiction.
79. A London Fog is a special treat!
80. My oldest son can get his driver's license this summer, but that doesn't worry me as much as when my younger son will get his license!
81. I don't feel old enough to have two teenagers. My body tells me every day that I am older than I think I am.
82. I enjoy scrapbooking, but I am not very creative.
83. I talk to myself often.
84. I'll sing along with my ipod when no one else is at home.
85. I take great pleasure in successfully sneaking healthy stuff into my kids, especially Sam.
86. I amass scads of recipes that look interesting but fail to try even half of them.
87. I go on regular purges throughout the house in an effort to reduce clutter and simplify life.
88. I'd really love to have a laptop, but I really don't need one.
89. I hate politics in kids' sports.
90. I'm a big believer in fair play.
91. I am highly competitive, but I am gracious in defeat.
92. I love word games and puzzles.
93. I'm a child of the King, so I guess that makes me a Princess!
94. I don't think I've ever had aspirations of being a princess.
95. I think I was always more of a tomboy.
96. I love shoes, but I refuse to give into the temptation.
97. I seldom eat breakfast. I know that I should. I'm trying.
98. It's taken 3 or 4 days to get this far...
99. Abby is home sick today. She has a bad cough, stuffy/runny nose, sore throat and headache. I feel much the same way.
100. I have had an almost constant headache since Sept. 6, 2007. It is exhausting, draining, frustrating, annoying, and I no longer remember what it feels like to have a clear head.

Ordinary, Everyday

My blogging has become rather sporadic which isn't so terrible a thing, because really, how many people actually read my blog? If you're looking for wisdom or wit, you would be better off to look elsewhere. I'm looking for those same things myself.


Actually, there are a couple of reasons why I have been blogging less; the same reasons why I am also journaling less frequently.

1. Pain and procrastination
-the carpal tunnel flared up for a while, and while not so bad now, my hands/wrists simply get tired of typing or holding a pen
-back, and now hip, pain keep me uncomfortable and distracted in the chair or on the sofa
-more than 500 days of headache makes my brain sluggish or scattered
-all this pain is exhausting and exhaustion easily turns into procrastination
2. Ordinary, Everyday
-there is nothing exciting or noteworthy going on in my life, unless you like hearing about the minutiae of everyday life or my little rants about headaches and pain
-I'm basically just going through the motions, or so it seems


I'd like to say that I haven't had the time for writing, but that would be a half-truth bordering on an outright lie. We are busy, without a doubt, but there is always time to be found in the day, or most days.


Casey has been doing basketball at school since November. I'm looking forward to the play-offs this weekend, because that will mean an end to basketball! To be honest, I'm really not a basketball fan. While I have basic knowledge of the rules, I think a lot of the rules are plain stupid. Both Kane and Casey love basketball though, so I go watch the games and cheer the team on even if sitting on the bleachers will only add to my pain and misery. However, I fear there will be no escaping the bleachers for a while yet. Volleyball begins once basketball is finished, and Casey wants to play.

Abby continues to take part in a church program Wednesday nights for kids in grades 5 and 6. She's also now taking a gymnastics program once a week until mid-March, and baseball winter ball training has begun. Her birthday is on Monday with the party later next week at the local indoor mini-golf/video game hang-out. She's excited to go play mini-golf and video games. I'm excited to not have to clean the house before and after!

Sam is not as busy during the week now that he is not playing hockey, but he plays badminton Thursday nights at his school. The rest of his time is spent watching sports, playing video games, checking out hockey stats online, grumbling about his chores and homework requirements, and the occasional time hanging out with friends. I'm sure he's feeling hard-pressed by his parents about everything, and maybe we are hard on him, but he needs to start thinking about his future and how he's going to get there.

Kane has been helping coach Casey's basketball team. He's in heaven! He also started his final "year" of school at the beginning of January which goes until the end of February. Assuming he passes all of his exams and does well, he'll be a journeyman plumber! In the meantime, my dining room table has been commandeered and over-run by books and paper. It would be nice to have the table back and to actually eat dinner on it once again.

As for me, as I said, I'm just going through the motions. I work when I am scheduled to work, and I am quite glad that my schedule has settled back down to hours that won't exasperate all my physical complaints. I'm still involved with our baseball association, but I'm usually too busy running kids around to make most of the baseball meetings. I've only been to two meetings since October and likely won't make the next one. I do the laundry, cook and clean, buy groceries, and do all those things that fall onto my shoulders. I think-a lot and have conversations in my head, usually about situations that I no longer have control over. I'd like to think those conversations are productive, but I doubt it. Just running round and round in circles.

So, there you have it...my life in a nutshell.

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Dreams and Fears

I received a violin for Christmas from my husband. It really wasn't much of a surprise as I had pointed out the instrument in a store flyer a couple of weeks before Christmas. Many times over the years, I have mentioned to Kane how I would love to learn to play the violin, and yet I have never before taken a single step towards that goal.


Most everyone laughed on Christmas day when my gift was unwrapped. What kind of a gift was a violin for someone who didn't play it? I can't blame them for laughing. I'm sure I'd have laughed myself were I in their shoes. They simply didn't know. Even though I have long desired to play the violin, this is not a dream that I have broadcast far and wide. I suppose there has always been the fear that announcing my dream would somehow push reality into the dream leaving me humiliated and a failure.


That fear still has a grip on me, even now that the biggest obstacle to learning the violin has been overcome! I now have a violin all my own. I can touch it, pick it up, and explore it to my heart's content, and yet fear remains. What if I fall flat on my face? What if I can't ever manipulate my fingers to play the notes? What if the only music I ever make sounds like a cat being skinned alive? Maybe I am too old to learn a new trick?

Here I Go Again

I suppose it has been a while since I last posted here. Most of my computer time is spent on Facebook or browsing, but there is a limit to what I can or will post on Facebook. It's a little too public at times. I can't even say that I've been doing a lot of journaling, because I haven't been keeping up on that either.

My carpal tunnel in both wrists has been giving me a fair bit of grief over the past month or so. I'm not very happy about that at all, but I have little choice but to suffer through it. Pain is my ever present companion. The head fuzziness and headache continue, as does the back pain.

As if my body wasn't dealing with enough stress, I was rear-ended once again three days ago! This was a minor accident compared to my previous one. No damage to the van whatsoever, but my body did not escape unscathed. The headache is a wee bit stronger, and I have new back pain between my shoulder blades up into the base of my neck.

The woman who hit me this time was most apologetic, maybe even fearful that I was going to chew off her head and spit it out. I confess the thought did cross my mind. Unlike the last accident, I didn't see this one coming and had a moment of 'what happened?' when I heard and felt the bump. It wasn't hard; I don't think my van even moved. The other driver slid on the ice and could not stop her vehicle from hitting mine, which is a vastly different from the driver speeding along and ramming into my van at close to full speed!

I think I handled this accident well; definitely better than the last one! I had no sarcastic comment for this driver, even if I mumbled a bad word to myself as she went to retrieve her insurance papers. I did not burst into tears when I called Kane to let him know what had happened, and I even managed to finish running my errands.

The kids had different reactions when they got home from school and were told of my most recent accident. Abby expressed shock, asked if the police had come, and finally asked if I was okay. Casey immediately asked if we had a new van. I guess he failed to see our old van sitting in the driveway looking just as it had that morning. Once I disappointed him with the news that the old van was still ours, he high-fived me for entering the "two accident" club. He's the only other member of the club. Sam was a little surprised but mostly unemotional and not overly concerned.

I'll live, but it sucks. I'm still dealing with physical issues from the first accident and really didn't need to add new pain to the mix. This accident was so minor that I believe I would have been fine had I not had been crashed into last year. But I was. Maybe I should put a big sign on the back of my van...STOP! Hey, they do it in minor hockey...

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A Month of Sundays

It was yet another all too typical Sunday morning in the Thompson household. I dragged my carcass out of bed when my alarm rang with every intention of going to church. Yeah, no-didn't happen! Well, that's not entirely true. We did get to church for a grade 5-6 parent meeting after the first service.

I wish I fully understood why I am struggling so much with the simple act of getting myself to church. During baseball season we often have ball games or tournaments on Sundays, but ball season is over and we have still be quite sporadic in church attendance for no better reason than a lack of motivation.

I love my Saviour. I love worshipping Him, and I value Godly teaching and preaching. Yet, I feel so utterly disconnected from the whole church scene, even though I do still manage to keep some connections intact. I drop my boys off at youth activities and Abby at her two weekly church groups. Kane and I tried the small group thing a couple of years ago but opted out when a change in location meant more time away from home and the kids. Other than that I am either blissfully or woefully out of the loop. My ever-changing work schedule prevents me from taking part in a women's study and occasional craft days. Special events often fall on the same night as several other meetings or functions.

But, I think the problem is something deeper than simply being physically connected to a church. There needs to be an emotional, relational connection, I think, and that is something that has been missing for a long time.

Our current church has only been home for a handful of years. It became our home after a brief search after leaving a church that had been our home for about 8 or 9 years. We had been involved on many levels and in many ways. Kane and I worked with you and hosted a small group. Kane was on the board and an usher. I taught Sunday school, helped in the nursery, was the nursery coordinator, and helped in other ways. By the time we finally left, I know I was rather bitter and lonely, and I'm sure Kane felt the same way.

The relationships we thought we had been building never went anywhere. In fact, they seemed to disappear in a flash long before we ever left. The turning point for me was when I opened myself up to a woman that I thought was interested in building a relationship and she basically ignored me. That's when I started to withdraw, I think, at least emotionally from that church even though I stuck it out for quite some time. It was telling that I could go to church and walk out after without having anyone really, truly talk to me and certainly not beyond a superficial level. No one took the time to call or drop us a line when we'd be absent from church for several weeks because of baseball or hockey. Even when we finally left the church no one called to ask why or to wish us well. Several months after we left, we did receive a generic "thinking of you" card from the church staff, and I admit that I laughed when I read it. Sarcastically. There was no personal message. Just a standard message and signatures from all the staff, even the new youth pastor who had never met us! The message said that they had prayed for our family during their weekly staff meeting. Wasn't that good of them?!

Okay, so maybe I am still clinging to some bitterness there, but I know that is a big part of the reason why I have not made an effort to jump into our new church with both feet. I know churches aren't perfect, but I've grown weary of the mawkish pageantry often found in churches. While I believe there is still value in going to church, I struggle to get myself there, to overcome the ennui and indifference I feel about going to church.

The Shack

I finished reading The Shack today, but it will take a very long time to process the words and emotions that transferred from page to heart and mind. This book is simply amazing; a must read for everyone. The book explains the very heart and nature of God in ways that have never been clearer (at least to me) and more real.

Here's a couple of quotes that jumped out at me:

"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly." She waited a moment, allowing her words to settle. "And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

"Let's use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that 'expectancy' to an 'expectation'-spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend."

I can't even begin to process how deeply those two quotes impact me, and I am not even going to attempt it right now. My head is fuzzy from headache and nasal congestion and exhaustion, but I feel as if the past few years have all been leading up to this...and I am finally understanding.

Happy Anniversary...yeah, right!

Last Saturday was the one year anniversary of my accident. It's funny how something so relatively minor can have such an impact on a person's life. I'm realistic. I know that my injuries were minor in the grand scheme of motor vehicle accident injuries, and I don't want to imply that my injuries are worse than they are. Because that's the way I am...so careful not to offend or distinguish myself in any way! Maybe I shouldn't be blogging when my mood is slipping...

I bite my tongue a lot. When a co-worker whines about having a headache, I bite my tongue. What I'd like to say is, "Try having a headache for a year!!" But I don't, because ___________. Fill in the blank: a) I have more compassion than a gnat.
b) I already bit my tongue off and cannot speak.
c) I am weary of explaining that despite how I may appear I am not 100%.

But this is my online, mostly private blog and I can whine here if I want to...and so for today I will, because my back is bothering me, my head is filled with static, and I am exhausted. I should probably add depressed to that mix, too.

Yesterday was a reasonably good day, at least as far as mood went. It was productive. I got a lot accomplished, even if my back was killing me for most of the day. Today is vastly different. I had plans for today. Nothing too exciting, nothing major, but I had hoped to ride the wave of yesterday and get a little more done today. So not gonna happen! It's a good thing I got so much done yesterday, because I fear the rest of my week has been shot to pieces.

One little accident. One driver's decision to speed and his lack of attention. Thanks a lot!

Because of that driver...

1. When I am a passenger in a vehicle that is slow to begin braking when the vehicle in front of us is braking, I feel a rush of panic to the point that my arm will reach for the door or arm rest as if to brace myself. I was the one rear-ended, but now I get stressed about doing the same to someone else.
2. I had a non-stop headache for over 9 months. I still have a headache more often than not, but there are now moments of clarity, brief as they may be. Most of the time though, my head feels like static or fuzziness. It's kind of like being stuck on a TV channel with poor reception, just snow.
3. The back pain I live with now is not constant, unless I have done something to aggravate it for a while. The pain is mostly dependent upon what I do or don't do. Standing at the sink washing dishes is bad. Did that yesterday and I'm still paying for it. The height difference between me and the counter is just enough to force me to bend slightly, and that is where my troubles begin. A lot of tasks at work require bending, both big bends and slight bends and lots of both! Hence, almost everything I do at work bothers my back. Sitting for a period of time on the wrong kind of seat is bad. Bleachers and backless benches are terrible! Even some "comfy" chairs are not good. I sleep on my side, but that position is not good when my back is in pain. Sleeping on my back is worse, same with on my stomach.
4. I haven't had very many good nights of sleep in the past year. It doesn't seem to matter how exhausted I am by the end of the day, it is difficult to fall asleep when my body is aching, hurting, uncomfortable and fuzzy. I lie awake. I toss and turn. I doze off, wake up and lie awake some more. The good, solid nights of sleep come in the form of a prescription muscle relaxant which I take only when I'm really bad. That sleep is deep and mostly motionless, but I am groggy for hours after waking.
5. Nine months of the past year were spent running here and there to various appointments, some as often as three times a week. I saw doctors, physiotherapists, massage therapists, a chiropractor, and my ICBC adjuster. I was poked, prodded, manipulated, scanned, and bruised. If I don't have an appointment for the rest of the year I will be so glad!
6. My family has been affected, too. I haven't had the energy to do all that I normally do. It's difficult enough to make supper 7 nights a week and keep on the laundry. I've certainly been moodier, probably more short-tempered at times. Like everyone else, they don't understand what is going on inside me because I look fine on the outside.
7. I think I am on the slippery slope of depression. My doctor told me I was depressed last October, a month after my accident, but he implied that my problems were from the depression rather than the depression being a result of the injuries. I am stubbornly opposed to being officially depressed, but there are times when I get sucked into the mire.
8. I have little patience for ignorant, stupid, reckless drivers who give no thought to how their actions could impact others.

End rant.

This & That

August has been kind of a blur which is a little surprising as I had thought it would be slower. Just goes to show that life is busy regardless of what you do or don't do!

I have been working a lot! It is nice to have a bigger paycheck for a little while, but I have found the longer hours onerous. My back has not been too thrilled with the extra days and hours of work, and so I now wear a back brace at work. The back issues have even affected my comfort level while doing mundane tasks like grocery shopping, walking, and browsing the library. However, I did manage to grocery shop today without the pain and an intense desire to drape myself over the cart. I am not so comfortable now though...

The longer work days have had me starting my days early, early...far too early! By nature I am not a morning person, although I can function well enough at such ungodly hours. The most difficult aspect of early mornings for me is getting to sleep at a decent time. It just doesn't work!

August ushered in my return to working Saturdays, and I have carried more responsibility for those August Saturdays as a manager is off on sabbatical. I both love it and hate it...the extra responsibility and working Saturdays. Saturdays are crazy busy and potentially full of pitfalls, but I do enjoy working with the younger staff and escaping the workplace politics that come with the weekday full-timers. I can handle the responsibility easily enough, although I am careful not to get sucked into the management trap.

This past Saturday was a trial to be sure. It began when I arrived at 5:30am to the ringing of the phone; my 6am worker was calling in sick. We did just fine until more staff arrived at 7am, but then chaos arrived. We were busy, and most of the staff just did not have the experience or ability necessary to make it through the next 4 or 5 hours gracefully. I found myself alternating between the need to rip out my hair and the urge to knock my head against the wall. It wasn't a bad day, but it could have been smoother with only one worker with more confidence and experience.

Kane and I celebrated 16 years of marriage last Friday, even if we actually celebrated last night instead of Friday night. Those 5am wake-ups for work are a pain in the neck! Roses are adorning my living room, and we had an enjoyable dinner out last night.

I did some rearranging today in my little computer area. It was a task that I actually began over a week ago; however, progress was stalled because of work and the need to sleep. I think I like the end result, although I am waiting for Kane to get home to move one piece of furniture out of the room. I've eliminated the need for the printer desk by moving a book shelf and purging/reorganizing said shelves. It looks cleaner, neater, more functional. Kane and the boys did some cleaning and purging in the storage room beneath the stairs this morning. That little room is notorious for becoming the catch-all dumping grounds, so this was a much needed course of action. Little by little, we're making progress on decluttering and organizing which makes me happy.

Sam baked a pizza last night while Kane and I went out for dinner. It wasn't until this morning that we realized that he baked it on my wooden cutting board which is now cracked in multiple places and ruined. Silly boy. I guess he assumed that he could use it in the oven just like the stones...

Kane and the boys are golfing right now...in the rain...with Kane's brother Brent. It's good that they are golfing, but I have no warm feelings for Brent, his attitudes or his behaviour. Enough about that or I will start down a bitter road.

I've been a little moody for the past few weeks. Anger, frustration, resignation, lethargy, and an almost uncontrollable need to cry. I don't know why, or maybe I don't want to know why. I haven't really spent time, let alone talked, with my friends for most of the summer. I am working far more than my body can handle. I feel unappreciated, maybe taken for granted. It sucks. I know that I am stronger than all this, and yet I find myself so unmotivated to rise above.

I am looking forward to the fall, a return to routine and order, and the changes that will be taking place. Sam is not playing hockey which means our weekends will be free! But, we will have a kid in high school now and taking a school bus. Casey is on his own in middle school and struggling to find his way through the shark-infested waters of adolescence. Abby is eager for another school year, while I can't believe that my baby is in grade 5!

Mostly, I am just looking forward to sleeping until at least 7am six days of the week and returning to my more reasonable and manageable work hours. Okay, and I am really hopeful about attending the Canucks and Maple Leafs game in November! Wouldn't that be sweet?!

Building Castles in the Sand

I realized something today...that our summer so far has not flown by at the speed of light! We have become accustomed to spending the first half of the summer moving at a crazy pace: work, baseball practices, baseball games, baseball tournaments in town and out. By the time we hit August, we would be too burned out to do anything more than work and exist. Not this year!

The decision to opt out of All-Star baseball this year was not made lightly nor easily, but it has been one of the best decisions we've made in a long time. What a change of pace it has been. No need to rush through dinner or whip through a drive-thru on our way to the ball park. No crazy weekends spent in hotels, campgrounds and ball parks. No stress over losing games, winning games, line-ups, coaches, bad calls, or difficult teammates.

Instead, we've been enjoying the summer and taking it easy. Our little trip to Seattle was so much fun and so relaxing despite the typical stress of travel/holidays. We haven't really done a whole lot so far, but it is certainly nice to have the time, the money, the option to do what we want.

We went to the beach last weekend. The sun was hot, the water cold, but we had a good time. Except for Sam who barely tolerated being dragged as far as the sand. He doesn't enjoy water and stayed full clad playing Sudoku on the beach.

We went to see The Dark Knight after our time at the beach. It was awesome!

Kane and the boys have made several trips to the driving range and a couple of trips to the golf course. Kane's golf clubs are more than 20 years old, some in poor condition. After years of mild whining for new clubs, he finally bought himself a new set last week.

I have had time to do a little bit of baking. Freshly baked blueberry scones are simply irresistible.

Kane put in a retractable screen door in the kitchen yesterday, and we're still getting used to the idea of the door being wide open unattended. The extra breeze through the kitchen is lovely, especially in the evening, and I love to listen to the whisper of the wind through the maple leaves.

Kane and the boys took in some of the BC Summer Games yesterday, watching some baseball and track events.

The kids and I made it to the library last week for the first time in months, and I think we will even make it back there tomorrow. It feels good to be reading again.

After a two year hiatus from barbecuing, Kane replaced the burner and briquettes, and we're back in business. No longer must I tamp down jealousy with every whiff of steak on the grill somewhere in the neighbourhood. Now I just need to teach Kane how to grill a perfectly rare steak and I'll be in heaven!

We've even eaten out on the deck for the first time in years!

And July isn't quite over yet!

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Just Another Manic Monday

It was a long, hot and busy weekend. My uncle and cousin arrived at our place very late Thursday evening and left Sunday morning. We didn't get to spend a lot of time visiting, but we gave them a place to stay and they took care of Abby while the rest of us were at the ballpark. My cousin is only a couple of years older than Abby, so they were both pleased with the situation.

Friday and Saturday were extremely long days as both boys umped several games throughout each day for the Valley of Champions tournament. They also umped on Sunday but that was a "shorter" day though just as hot. They will be pleased with the money they earned and have plans to buy an Xbox 360. As for me, all I got was a little bit of sunburn.

Sam's 15th birthday was on Friday, although we really didn't have the time to do much of anything. As it was I had to hunt down a suitable cake at two different grocery stores Friday evening on our way home from the ballpark! The cake was good even if it did have blue roses on it, and Sam enjoyed his gifts. He received a pair of Toronto Maple Leafs work gloves, a new golf bag, and an 8x10 photo of Alexander Ovechkin which says To Sam and is autographed. He loves it. I am jealous and wish my name was Sam.

I can't believe I have a 15 year old child! Aside from the physical aches and pains of aging, I still feel like I have barely finished my own teen years. Sam has also grown so much in the past year; it is amazing! It is difficult to believe that we were once concerned, because he wasn't growing much at all. Just over a year ago, Casey was slightly taller than Sam, but Sam has now surpassed his brother by a significant margin. He has grown just over 8 inches in eleven months and is about two inches shorter than me now. I think he'll be taller than his mom by the end of the year!

Casey had his final two baby teeth pulled this morning as they were being stubborn and the permanent teeth were growing in over top. For all his bravado, Casey can be quite nervous about such procedures, but he did just fine. It took him quite a while to get settled for sleep last night. The thought of the needles made him very nervous. He's sucking on a Popsicle now.

Last week during a routine clean and check-up, we learned that Sam is completely missing his top two 12 yr. molars! They never came in and they aren't hiding anywhere in his mouth, but he does have two upper wisdom teeth waiting for their time to erupt. I guess it is only natural then that Sam does not have any lower wisdom teeth. Everything balances out in the end!

Saturday night, Brent called Kane about meeting for coffee and a chat on Sunday afternoon. So, Kane met with him yesterday and things went well enough, I suppose. Brent didn't want to talk about what has happened over the past couple of weeks, except to say that Pat has certain times of the year that are more difficult than others. Huh? Sometimes I swear that Brent is as dense as slab of marble. What are we supposed to infer from his comment? Should we overlook her insults and hatred because it is July? How on earth does she get along with other people if she can't even maintain a basic level of decency with family? How many excuses can Brent make for her behaviour without even acknowledging the brutality of her actions or attempting in any way to apologize for it?

Come on! Lots of people have bad times...of the day, the week, the month, even the year! We've personally had a lot of those in the past year, but we're not lashing out at Brent and Pat the way they have to us. When Kane and the kids hit a deer in May, Pat lashed out at us in anger because she had bought a lot of food for them to eat while at her place but they never even made it to her house! She was mad at us, because my kids wanted to go home instead of to her house while I stayed at the hospital with Kane. She was mad at me for sending my kids home with one of my best friends of nearly 20 years instead of sending them with her, the psycho aunt that hasn't exactly been a stable figure in their lives for the past 10 years. She was mad at us for not thanking her enough for her help. I guess I didn't realize that we should have been entitled to lash out at Pat because we were going through a bad time...have to remember that for next time!

I'm not surprised. I expected as much as soon as I knew that Brent wanted to chat with Kane. I knew he didn't want to apologize. He is only interested in keeping Kane from getting too ruffled, because Brent and Pat have already alienated the other two brothers and who would Brent go golfing with if he completely alienated Kane, too. My feelings don't matter. But, he's wrong! This cannot be swept under the rug and "forgotten". We cannot pretend that it didn't happen, and Brent's desire to spend time with family just won't happen unless these things are dealt with properly.

I've been thinking a little about Pat and wondering about her social life. Of course, she is now in a new city and would be starting from scratch with the friend-making, but I wonder about her friends even from their previous residence. Pat talks a lot, all the time, non-stop, and yet I never hear her talk about her friends. She talks a lot about the parents of Payton's friends and schoolmates or neighbours but never about real friends of her own. Kind of makes me wonder...She doesn't seem to have a good relationship with her brother or father and, as I mentioned, Brent and Pat have destroyed their relationships with Brent's other two brothers. With Pat's words and actions toward us lately, I just can't see her carrying on a healthy relationship with anyone. Her expectations of others are so narrow and rigid, and her anger towards someone who fails to meet those expectations is volatile and unforgiving. I can't imagine a "friend" putting up with that for very long. I kind of feel sorry for Pat, because she is obviously a very troubled and lonely person, but I am not so much the fool that I want to be slapped around some more.

Well, I guess my pie crusts are sufficiently cooled by now to begin the task of making the filling. I have been wanting to make a cream pie for a long time now, but I don't have the energy to follow up on that urge. So, I'm taking the easy route and using frozen pie crusts and boxed mixes for a banana cream and a coconut cream pie. I am so lazy that I am going to combine the two mixes rather than cook two separate batches! What can I say?! It was a really long and draining weekend, today is my only real free day, and I am working the rest of the week. I suck at making pie dough from scratch anyway, but I still do want to make some cream pies from scratch one day.

No More

You know, I thought I had managed to keep my email to Pat on a calm and mostly non-confrontational level. I thought I had done very well considering the degree of my ire only a couple of hours before writing that response. I didn't then, nor have I ever done anything to her or said anything to her with the intention of trampling on her feelings or her character, but she certainly had no qualms about doing just that to me! Her response to my email was off the wall not only in terms of her anger and poison but also in her logic.

There is no point in copying her words to me here or even Brent's words. I'll summarize instead. Let's see...I was called a free-loader (several times) and an unmotivated taker. I am inhuman with no emotion. I am witless. I am unwelcoming and boring. I am a bad example for my children because I choose to work at Tim Horton's and for several other reasons that she labelled as "etc., etc., etc." I am rude. I am a little girl living in a fantasy world. I know nothing at all. I think only of myself, and I am a loser. I never do anything. I am a hypocrite. I was told by Pat that she has never liked me and never did care.

And I don't care anymore either! The drama this past weekend was the last straw, and I am finished being their doormat. They said years ago that I wasn't worth their time or effort to get to know and that I would need to change before they would spend time with me (or us). It's funny then how they continue to berate us for not spending enough time with them! I especially get a kick out of Brent's comments to Kane about this whole fiasco. He can live with me apparently, while Pat needs more from me (us) not for herself but for Payton! They both feel that I don't want to be around them, and that is what led to Pat's frustrated email! There is a reason why I don't feel comfortable around them...their own comments and attitudes towards me that have been going on for years, and there was nothing frustrated about Pat's email, it was pure venom, anger and disdain!! And what started all this in the first place?! She called to ask if Kane could build a fence for her last weekend, and I told her that he was already committed to helping a friend with a plumbing problem and we were going away. That's it!

Brent had the gall to ask why we didn't invite Pat and Payton (but mostly just Payton) to come with us on our holiday and tried to make us feel guilty for not even considering it and making the offer. Hello?! Even if our relationship with them was peachy, we wouldn't have considered inviting them to come along. This holiday was for us, our little family of five. The past 10 months have been incredibly crazy for our family, more than normal, and we all needed a break. I don't think we should have to invite a niece along just to keep Pat from going psycho on us. And if they are disappointed in us for not extending that invitation how is that our problem to deal with?

It really doesn't matter anymore, because I am finished. Pat told me not to bother emailing her ever again and strongly expressed to me that she will never email me again, and I can only assume/hope that includes phone calls, too! I will not call her. I will not go to visit her. My kids will never go to her house or spend any time with her outside of our presence. I will be instructing my kids to not open the door to her should she ever show up at our home while I am at work. Payton will be welcome to come spend time with Abby, but she can only be dropped off while Kane or I are home. I do not want my kids to ever be alone with Pat!

She burned whatever bridge there was between us with her poisonous attack on my character and the character of my family. That bridge will not be so easily repaired, and I honestly don't believe that she has any interest in apologizing or mending anything. She doesn't even see any fault within Brent or herself-nope, Kane and I are the sole source of conflict and issue here! Brent doesn't even seem very eager to mend the bridge that his wife destroyed. Oh, he's interested in golfing with Kane but that's about it. He obviously holds the same position about me as Pat does, so I'm done with him, too.

This is me restraining myself...

Pat,

I want you to know that I am not hurt by your comments. Once upon a time I might have been personally been wounded by your venom; however, I am simply angry, offended and tired of these theatrics. I know that you have told Kane that you have certain expectations of family and that we've let you down many times. We are not perfect and have never tried to claim that we are. We are human, we make mistakes and we will inevitably let you down, just as we have often been disappointed by friends and family members. Yes, we have been let down by family, even by you and Brent, many times. You know what? It happens to everyone. We feel hurt or upset, but we deal with it and understand that everyone is different and must live their own lives...even families.

What you expect of us might be quite different from what we expect of you. That doesn't make our expectations better than yours; it just makes them different. We are not responsible for your expectations, and you are not responsible for ours. If you can't live up to our expectations then we need to deal with our disappointment rather than lashing out at you for not meeting our standards. If we don't meet your expectations then perhaps you need to re-examine your expectations and the way you deal with disappointment.

You and Brent have both made a big issue out of how little time we have spent with you since you moved to Vernon. Put yourselves into our shoes for a few minutes please. Our family is different than yours. Brent is in the airforce. You have your own business. You have one child. You are a very crafty person, very outgoing and helpful. You always seem to be busy. Kane is a plumber with another year of school still to come. He works hard and long hours. The company he works for is rather busy as are many trades in the area. His boss wants him to work lots of over-time because of how busy they are. Kane also coaches baseball. There were many days where he wouldn't even make it home before going to the ballpark. I work part-time, but my schedule is not set in stone from week to week. I never know more than a week in advance what days or hours I will work which makes it difficult to plan anything too far ahead. I sit on the executive for our baseball association. My tasks on the executive include finding sponsorship, field scheduling for games and practices, and acting as a liaison between the executive and an all-girls' team. We have three children each with their own lives. Sam has played hockey for the past 6 years but has decided not to play in the fall. He has played baseball for 9 years and been an umpire for 4 years. He is entering high school in the fall. He has been a part of the cross-country running team for the past 3 years at school. He enjoys attending his youth group when he can. He will be 15 soon and like many teenage boys he is often unmotivated. It is a struggle to get him to put in enough effort at school. Casey loves baseball! He has been playing for 8 years and umping for 2. It was a difficult decision to not play summer ball this year simply because he is a good player and he loves to play so much. He entered middle school last fall and found life suddenly a little more difficult than he had anticipated. He joined several sports teams at school: cross-country running, volleyball, and basketball. He is a social kind of kid and wants to be busy and entertained. Abby is highly social and would spend all her time with her friends if she could. She has played baseball for 6 years and has really improved over the last year. She was on an all-girls' baseball (not softball) team this year, something that is ground-breaking and exciting. She was in the Environmental club at school and also took part in an after-school art program for several weeks. She loves music and is part of a music/drama/crafts program at our church. These are the things we do. We are certainly busy, but as busy goes we are not nearly as busy as some.

I know you are busy, so I wish that you could understand how much busier we are with three kids. Baseball is not an excuse we use to brush you off. Baseball is 2-3 months of the year where we are extremely busy, because our kids are in different age groups so their games are spread out. You expect us to just cancel a game to spend time with you, but we make a commitment to a team when we register our kids each year. It is surprising how few games the kids actually play considering how busy we are, but we cannot simply drop several games. Kane is needed as a coach. There are situations where one kid missing a game can be the difference between having enough players or not. We try to teach our kids responsibility and commitment and being part of a team is an example of where both are required. Of course, that isn't to say that we have never missed a game, because we have for school functions. And you know, just because baseball is over doesn't mean that we are utterly and completely free. Life is busy for many people. If you believe we're giving you excuses then that is your opinion.

What are your excuses for not spending time with us? Are you busy? Don't want to spend time with us? I don't get it! You hurtle all these accusations at us, and yet you are just as guilty of the same thing. It didn't work for us to come visit for Payton's birthday, but we did invite you to come watch Sam play baseball in Vernon and hang out with us there. You were too busy, too tired to come...but you expect us to interrupt our busy lives and to ignore our exhaustion to visit with you. There have been far more times where you have stayed home or run off to do errands rather than visit with us, even when Brent and Payton have.

I don't know where you get the idea that we are only interested in your money or bribes! Where on earth did that come from?! And where do you get the idea that we're suddenly making money as if we're raking in the dough? Yes, Kane received a raise very recently, but we have never looked at you or anyone differently because of how much money we make or don't make. Kane was willing to help with your fence without being paid because you are family, and his motivation for calling you yesterday most certainly had nothing to do with you paying him anything! In case you forgot, you called asking him to come help, so he was trying to return your call and let you know that this weekend wouldn't work for him but another time might.

Our little trip to Seattle is not a freebie weekend with the company. Kane wasn't completely honest with Brent about that; he didn't want Brent to offer us money like he usually does. There's nothing free about this trip. We are paying for it. We deserve a little vacation, and who are you to insinuate that we should sacrifice that for you? We haven't had a real vacation in years, and this is in many ways a treat for our kids for not playing summer ball this year. If we scrimp and save and sacrifice in order to make this happen for our family what is it to you? Are you upset that we didn't include you or that we are going away? Or are you only upset because Kane couldn't help with the fence this weekend?

We had nothing to do with your decision to move to Vernon. We had nothing to do with Brent still being in Victoria while you are here in Vernon. We know it is difficult having that separation; we've done it! Several years ago, Kane spent several months working in Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba, leaving me home with three much younger children. It might not be quite the same as being dropped in a new city, but the principle of being on your own is very much the same. Did I get help from either of you or Rick or Kent? No. Did my siblings help out? No. There were times when I was busy and stressed and lonely and felt uncompletely unsupported. There was a reason why Kane changed his line of work...because we didn't like that separation and it was too difficult. That decision meant a change to a lower paying job, but it was a sacrifice well worth it in our opinion because it was best for our family. We all need to make choices based on our own priorities, and priorities are different from family to family.

I am offended by your comments about breaking the ice with our family, our lack of welcome, and the joke of getting closer to Brent's family. How can you make such pronouncements when you have held such a low opinion of me for years? Several years ago, Brent had a lengthy conversation with Kane about how the both of you felt about me, and it wasn't very flattering in the least. Shall I recap for you, because I know I will never forget it. You don't feel comfortable around me, largely because I am not as chatty as you are. You have no interest in getting to know me or even taking the time to get to know me. All expectations have been on me to change into someone that you are more comfortable with...whatever that looks like. And the clincher? We shouldn't expect you to spend very much time with us when you moved here because you don't like me and don't want to!

Quite different from your lofty expectations, isn't it? You chew us out for not spending enough time with you, yet we've been told that you don't want to spend time with us. Who is the hypocrite now? For all your talk of familial expectations, your own attitude and behaviour have been rather contradictory and childish.

You and I are quite different people. You are very out-going and chatty. I am not. It is a slap in the face to hear you and Brent say that I do not respond to you AT ALL when I know that is simply not true. I may not talk as much as you do, but that does not mean that I refuse to talk to you...or was I imagining all those times we actually exchanged dialogue with each other? Why should I change to make you feel comfortable around me? Why shouldn't you change to make me feel more comfortable? Surely you are capable of getting along with people different from yourself, so you should be able to meet me half way. I don't expect you to be different than you are. I don't expect you to be like me or to change to be more like me. What I do want is to be accepted for who I am without strings attached. I have friends that are far more out-going and chatty than I am, but we get along perfectly well because our friendship is based on deeper things than the number of words that we speak. Relationships take time and effort. You decided long ago that I wasn't worth either of those things, so it shouldn't be a surprise that we really have a superficial and uncomfortable relationship. And it shouldn't be a surprise that I don't feel comfortable around you knowing how you truly feel. I might not make the biggest effort, but I make an effort. We visited you at Christmas a few years ago. We've welcomed you to our home several summers in a row. If I don't get all warm and fuzzy with you then you'll just have to accept what I do offer because, unless you are truly willing to get to know me on a real and personal level, I am just not going to let myself be your doormat. All my life I have listened to enough voices which tell me that I am not pretty enough, not slim enough, not smart enough, not out-going enough, not co-ordinated enough, not stylish enough, not athletic enough...and the list goes on and on. I cannot be something that I was never created to be. You are unique and special. I am unique and special. We are both wonderfully created with a purpose. I cannot be like you, and you cannot be like me. We are different and different is okay. Really! It is narrow-minded to assume that because I am not like you that I am unworthy of your time or that I need to change in order to fit into your pre-determined mould. I accept you for who you are and only expect the same in return.

Quite honestly, you don't have a clue whether we are welcoming to others or not. We don't have time for a lot of entertaining. We don't have much money for entertaining. The state of our yard and home often hinders us from entertaining. But none of those things are real indicators of whether or not we are welcoming to others! We have always welcomed Rick and Kent to drop by or to come over for a holiday meal. More often than not, they don't come and this has been going on for years. We would most certainly welcome you for a holiday meal or to drop by sometime, but you are judging us based on the busiest months of our year! You've only been in Vernon for 3 months...the same months that coincide with our busiest time.

Pat, in all honesty, we are concerned about you, especially in light of the behaviour that you continuously exhibit. One minute everything is fine, but the next minute you are flying off the handle at us because of something you think we did or didn't do. We are concerned for how all of this affects Payton. Does she really need to be the one to tell her Uncle that you don't want to talk to him ever again?!

You, Brent and Payton are family. You really have no idea how long Kane has wanted his family to act like a family; it has been many, many years! But as much as you are family, our first priority is to our little family of myself, Kane, Sam, Casey and Abby. We are more than willing to spend time with you and be what a family should be, but if you want to keep playing these childish mind games then you can expect to not see that much of us.

Angela

One Week

A lot has been happening around here. There is a lot to catch up on and I don't know connected my thoughts will be so bear with me.

Last Saturday, Kane and the kids hit a deer while driving on the highway to Vernon to help our sister-in-law put in a fence. I was at home baking with banana bread in the oven when the phone rang. When the voice identified himself as a member of the Vernon RCMP and told me that my husband had been in an accident my heart was seized by fear. A friend drove me to the Vernon hospital, brought me tea, kept me grounded, and brought my kids back home. Everyone was fine, but it was an experience that I don't want to go through again anytime soon. Kane has had some stiffness and pain in his neck and back but is healing quickly. The kids handled the whole thing much better than I had expected they would. Sam was thrilled to ride in the front of the ambulance and got a kick out of sharing a birth date with the RCMP officer asking him questions. Abby was worried about the deer suffering and wondered why it had a blue tongue. Casey found reason to boast about being the only one in the family to have been in two accidents. I was the one most upset by the whole situation, because I wasn't there and didn't know how everyone was until I arrived at the hospital. It was a long day!

Our sister-in-law was very helpful through it all. She made some phone calls for us to the tow yard and drove us to the tow yard and to a car rental agency. It was rather disappointing and frustrating then to have her ignore our phone calls over the next few days. She finally talked to Kane on the phone the other day and let him know how disappointed she was in us! She was upset that the kids didn't want to go to her house but chose to be taken home. I appreciated her offer to take the kids to her house while I waited at the hospital for Kane to have x-rays taken and to be released, but when I asked the kids their preference they chose to go home. Honestly, I can't say that I blame them. They had just had a rather traumatic experience and just wanted to be where they would feel safe and comfortable, and the sister-in-law only had one bench in her van so transporting all five of us would have been a problem. She also went on about the fact that we don't spend enough time with her.

This is a soap opera in the making, but it doesn't make much sense without a bit of history first. Brent and Pat have a rocky relationship and have never lived too close to Kelowna. They just bought a house in Vernon in March in anticipation of Brent's retirement from the air force. Brent is not quite finished yet though, so he is still working in Victoria while Pat and their daughter now live in Vernon. That is the extremely condensed Reader's Digest version, sanitized and censored.

Pat is weird. I think that there are some mental health issues going on there, too. I don't know but spending a lot of time with the in-laws isn't high on my list of things to do. It doesn't help that they once told Kane that they didn't like me, didn't want to get to know me, and thought that I had to change to make them feel comfortable and jump through whatever hoops they wanted me to. Still, I'm mature enough to suck it up and spend time with the in-laws, to bite my tongue and swallow my pride. I knew this would happen when she moved to Vernon...that she would expect us to spend a lot of time with her. She just doesn't seem to understand that we have busy lives and we really don't have free time from April to the end of June. This isn't something new this year; we've been involved with baseball for years now and if she paid attention to us at all she would realize that. Instead, she is upset that we don't just cancel a practice in order to have dinner with her. I'd shake my head but it hurts too much to do that. We don't have all that many practices now, but we have games almost every night. We let her know when we had games in Vernon so she could come and watch and spend some time with us, but she backed out at the last minute.

I'm really trying not to let her upset me too much, but her attitude about last Saturday is quite frustrating. We appreciated everything she did for us, and we thanked her many times. It isn't our fault that she bought all sorts of things for Kane and the kids for a breakfast that they never got to eat. They never asked for a deer to jump in front of the van. The kids like their aunt and cousin well enough, but there is not a super-tight relationship there. Who wouldn't want to go home in this situation? They were driven home by someone who has been my friend for 19 years and knows my kids better than their aunt and uncle. I'm sorry that I wasn't in a position to be thinking very clearly, but I had a bit of a shock to my system, too.

It's been a long and stressful week. Kane has been off work all work on doctor's orders, but I am so glad that he is feeling better every day. I found it extremely frustrating that our doctor seemed to be more sympathetic and proactive about Kane's accident injuries than he was or has been about mine.

I had to call my insurance adjuster on Tuesday to let her know what I thought was a fair and reasonable settlement amount. She didn't laugh at me, but she did say that it was significantly more than she was prepared to pay out. She said she'd review my file and get back to me on Thursday. So, she called me at work on Thursday to tell me what the management team felt my claim was worth. $10, 000 plus receipted expenses which would bring the total to about $12, 000. I think I feel insulted and most definitely depressed by that offer. How much is 8 months of constant headaches and recurring back pain worth? How much more is it worth when the headaches and back pain are still occurring? Certainly it should be worth more than what they offered. I told her that I'd have to think about it, and she expects me to call her back next week. I'm thinking that I should talk to a lawyer and get some experienced advice; I just don't know when I'll have time to do that.

My work schedule last week and for the coming week is heavier than what I am used to and really wanting. A week and a half ago, I worked a couple of hours on the sandwich bar station which is something that I have gone to great lengths to avoid since my accident. There is a reason that I have avoided that task...it makes my back hurt! I should have known better but I did it anyway, because I get weary of trying to avoid those tasks and sometimes I just can't avoid it. I've been paying for it ever since. This past Wednesday my back was in so much pain that I went home from work after only an hour and a half. I managed to work a full shift on Thursday, but my headache spiralled out of control and was the worst it has been for a while. As a result, I called in sick for Friday, took a muscle relaxant to help me sleep, and spent most of Friday sleeping it off. That's another thing...I haven't been sleeping well for quite a while either. It doesn't matter how tired I am. I am so physically exhausted. It isn't uncommon for me to go to my chiropractor appointment in the middle of the afternoon and to nearly doze off while laying on the bed waiting for my turn. I am so tired but when I go to bed I lie awake for an hour, two hours and then sleep fitfully. The muscle relaxant seems to help me sleep sometimes, but it isn't something that I want to depend on. I guess I should go see my doctor again.

I have felt like I have been on the verge of becoming sick for weeks and weeks now. I'd wake up with a touch of soreness in my throat but nothing has ever come of it. It's quite surprising that I have stayed as "healthy" as I have since I have become battle weary from the constant headaches and the less than stellar sleep. However, I think I am finally losing the battle. The soreness in the throat is a little worse. My nose is a little stuffy today, and there's a touch of a cough. I just want normalcy, to be better and healthy and head-ache free! I can feel myself slipping into depression once again.

And tomorrow is Mother's Day. I try not to hold onto any expectations. We've had baseball tournaments every Mother's Day for the past 8 years and this year is no exception. I don't ask for much, just to have love and appreciation demonstrated in some way that shows intent and purpose. Mostly I am left disappointed. I don't expect anything different this year.

Snow Day

It is mid-April yet we awoke to snow on the ground and falling from the sky. I knew this was a possibility last night as I huddled under my sleeping bag while watching Sam play baseball in the cold, the wind, and the off and on again snowflakes. I can now say that we have had baseball in all kinds of weather: sun, rain, hail, wind and now snow! Thankfully, today's game and practice have been cancelled and quite probably tomorrow's as well. While I hate the loss of games, I am not keen on becoming a walking Popsicle. I've been cold enough this week already.

Instead of watching a ball game today, we will be watching the Environmental Mind Grind competition inside the mall. Abby is participating on her school's team, so we have been instructed to cheer loudly. She has been studying for quite some time, and we'll all release a sigh of relief when this is over and we no longer have to listen to questions about water cycles, pollution and recycling.

In other news:

Baseball season has begun. Sort of. It feels like the season has started only to be stuck in a rut as we are still waiting on schedules for several divisions and some things do not yet feel fully set. It will all work out in the end, but in the meantime we are still kept busy at the ballpark.

I still have this eternal headache. My doctor is referring me to a physiatrist...a rehabilitation physician. I'm glad that my doctor is actually appearing to do something even if I have no confidence that a physiatrist will be able to help. My chiropractor did some kind of new scan thing on me a couple of weeks ago. The results were better than expected and yet unsurprising in many ways. The scan measured five different things. My pain threshold is very strong; I aced that test! Of course, I didn't need a test to tell me that I can tolerate a high level of pain. The two problem areas are muscle tension in my neck and lower back (big surprise-NOT!) and a lot of mumbo-jumbo to say that I am physically exhausted and worn out from dealing with this pain and trying to heal. My ICBC adjuster is trying to tell my chiropractor that my current problems are a result of a pre-existing condition. Ha ha! Sarcasm is oozing out of my pores, so I won't say anything further about that except for grrrr!

And it is still snowing!

You know you're bored when...

the ipod shuffle clipped to your collar reminds you of a Star Trek communicator when you reach up to skip to the next song!

Just a Practice

From my journal last night:

Today was Sam's final hockey practice of the season and maybe his "career". With body checking coming to Kelowna Minor Hockey Association next year, Sam has decided that he won't be playing anymore. In one breath, I am relieved. We can barely afford a season of hockey, so it will be nice to not have that expense next year. However, I am already struggling with emotions more powerful than I anticipated.

With Casey and Abby having activities on Tuesdays these past several weeks, I have not attended Sam's practices since mid-January. Thankfully, everything worked out tonight and I was able to watch Sam's final practice.

Bittersweet! I watched Sam skate and dangle, shoot and score, and laugh with teammates, while I marvelled at Sam's smoothness and speed. He isn't the best player, but he has improved so much over the years and has an easy, smooth motion that I simply love to watch. In practice, he has so much more confidence in himself; I wish he'd carry it over into a game more often. I am biased, of course, although I am also realistic about Sam's abilities. He'll never make it to the NHL, but he's come a long way from the 9 year old kid who didn't know how to skate!

The last half of the practice was a scrimmage between the two teams sharing the ice. The final five or ten minutes had every single player involved, including two goalies in each net! The goalies had a blast, able to skate way out and get into the action in a way that they never could in a real game. It looked like so much fun! That was the moment when I realized that I should have brought my camera. I had considered it before we left the house but opted not to. When will I learn to listen to that little voice?

I know that I will miss hockey in the years to come. There will always be the WHL and NHL, but as good as they are, they don't compare to sitting in a cold arena watching my son play. I love hockey! I grew up carrying my dad's goalie pads and watching him play all over southeast Saskatchewan. There is just something about hockey played in small, old arenas that feels like home to me. I know that I will miss it, but I was still surprised at the emotional onslaught I've been feeling ever since the practice started. I cannot believe that tears are welling in my eyes as I write this. Crying over an end to hockey practices!?

We have our year end tournament this weekend. Only four, a long shot chance for five games, and then no more. Ever. I'm pretty sure I'll cry.

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Who Am I?

There is a song by Margaret Becker that goes something like this:

'Who am I, Jesus, that you call me by name? What could I ever do to be loved this way? Who am I, Jesus? In Your eyes, tell me, who am I?'

There is another Margaret Becker song that goes like this:

'You see, I'm looking for the You that used to speak so clear. I'm looking for the me that had a heart to hear and I'm looking for the passion that held me here on the edge. Find me, find me. I'll wait for You.'

I am in a snarky mood this morning. My headache has been a little stronger for the past few days and it is taking its' toll on me. I am physically and emotionally tired. A couple of months ago, I felt weighed down by depression and struggled to fight my way through it. Then there was sunshine, and I felt lighter than I had in months. Not so today.

Sometimes I wonder who I am, where I am going and what the heck I am doing. Most of the time, it feels like I don't have a clue as I go through the motions of life. If I peeled away all the layers what would remain?

I am a wife and mother and sometimes there seems to be little distinction between the two. My husband is not perfect, but he is a great guy and I am blessed. My kids are not perfect, but I love them intensely and again I am blessed. I am not always a great wife or mother. It is far too easy to look at someone else and see "perfection" and then look at my imperfections with disgust. Casey is quite adept at throwing poisoned arrows into my heart, little lies that tell me how terrible I really am.

I am a friend to some, I think and hope, but this is where my insecurities grow and bloom. I have never been the social butterfly type of person. My close friendships have always been small in number. I'm okay with that most of the time. The older I get though the more I want friends that know me, the real me that tends to hide away behind the mask of the day. I treasure my handful of good friends. And yet, here I am grieving the loss of a friend. Still.

I am an employee who works hard and does all that is required of me to the best of my abilities. I go to work and do my job and try not to get swallowed up in workplace gossip and conflicts. There are co-workers that I thoroughly enjoy working with and some that I have learned to get along with. I enjoy the work and the pace. I do not enjoy the customers who think I am retarded because of where I work, and I am not eager to climb the ladder even though they try to put it right in front of me.

There are so many little labels that I can stick on my back: chef, housekeeper, chauffeur, bookkeeper, personal organizer, slave driver, and so on.

If you strip all those things away what is left?

Where am I going with this? I don't even know that anymore! When my head hurts I find it a little difficult to focus, which means I've been out of focus for nearly six months! No wonder everything is blurry! ;o)

Seriously though, my head does hurt and whatever train of thought I was on has derailed. I just want to cry and I can't articulate why, and maybe I don't really want to, even if I could. There's always hope though.

And another Margaret Becker song, taken from scripture...

'Once I was far away but now my life is found in You. Once I was without hope but now I have a vision of heaven. Fallen from grace, by faith lifted up. Now I believe no height, no depth can keep us from the love of Christ. No life, no death, no trial can tear us from the love of God in Christ. How wonderful the love our Father God has given us that we could still be called children of God.'