Feeling Crunched

What a beautiful day! The sun is shining, and it is 13 degrees Celsius. I am trying to decide whether or not I want to go for a run today. I could. I should, but I also could tomorrow morning. Either way would be fine and good, and either way has the potential to either fit well into my schedule or disrupt it. I hate having my time crunched.


Today is Sunday, which means we went to church this morning. Immediately following church, we went to the college's career fair, for the benefit of our teenage children, followed by a quick stop at Wal-Mart for necessary supplies. Now we are at home. The husband and one child are doing homework. Another child is cleaning her room, while another plays on the X-box. I would like to get some tidying done around the house, because it has fallen into a state of messiness that drives me crazy. I also have the desire to do some baking, maybe some cookies. And go for a run.


Tomorrow is Monday, an unexpected day off work, but it is by no means a blank slate of a day. I have homework to finish before my ladies' study in the evening. I am also expected to give a little 5 minute talk about what God is doing in my life, so I need to put some thought into that. There are the usual day off routines, like catching up on laundry, perhaps a trip to the library, and more housework. I have a meeting at 3pm, which I was unaware of until yesterday afternoon. I'm not too thrilled about having a meeting at that time of day, and I imagine many others are also less than thrilled about it. The meeting could be very short if we don't get enough people to attend. Had I been scheduled to work tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to attend either!


And today I received an email from a friend in town for a visit asking if we can get together on Monday or Tuesday. Tuesday is most definitely out as I have to work. Monday would be possible, but then I struggle with negative feelings and want nothing more than to cop out and say it won't work at all. Though to be honest, I could say that tomorrow won't work, and that would not be much of a stretch at all. I do have places to go and things to do tomorrow. While it would be good to visit with this friend, I also cannot simply re-arrange life at the last minute to work into her schedule, and that is what it feels like I am being asked to do. In fairness to my friend, she hasn't expressed that in so many words. I am merely expressing how I feel about the seemingly last minute notification of what works best for her as opposed to being given ample notice and being asked specifically to arrange a time together instead of merely a 'hoping we can get together during her limited days here and her limited schedule'. If that sounds bitter, then maybe it is. A little.


It would be somewhat easier to say that I could fit her in tomorrow, if I could rely on her to be punctual. But I know my friend too well, and being punctual is not an area she excels in, at least not as far as I have ever experienced. I can understand that not everyone is punctual. I get that. I can appreciate that best intentions can be waylaid by a variety of factors, both ones we can control and those we cannot. But, if I make changes to my own schedule to accommodate someone else's schedule, then I find it irritating to be left waiting and waiting and waiting. I have enough to do tomorrow as it is. I don't have time to sit and wait for my friend to show up late.


So I feel mildly stressed about replying to my friend's email. What can I say? What should I say? And what if I did want to put off my run until tomorrow? That would just add another thing to fit into my day, which wouldn't be too bad, except that tomorrow is the only day that would work to visit with my friend.


Argh! I think I will go for a run today just to pound out some stress before my head explodes.

Win Some, Lose Some

Yesterday I decided to stay home rather than attend my daughter's volleyball tournament. I wasn't feeling up to par, plus I wanted to be able to relax and get to bed by 9:00pm, so I would get enough sleep for my early morning work shift today. In hindsight, I am both glad and disappointed in my decision.


I am disappointed, because my daughter's team wound up winning the tournament! To be quite honest, I had no expectations of her team doing so well. All of the teams at the tournament are made up of grade 7 girls, who are just really learning how to play. Most of them cannot even consistently get their serves over the net, so it would have been difficult to predict anyone as the winner. However, even though Abby's team has played reasonably well of late, I still would never have thought they could win it all. But they did, and I didn't get to see it.


On the other hand, I am glad I stayed home, because the tournament went well beyond the expected time frame. We were told the tournament was from 3:30 to 7:30pm, but it was after 9:00pm by the time my husband and daughter got back home. As they got home, I was already preparing for bed. Had I gone I would have been behind schedule and likely would not have fallen asleep as quickly.


So, I missed watching the games, but I had a decent night's sleep. In turn, I had a fairly good day at work, better than expected actually.

Crummy

I am feeling rather crummy today, and I expect to feel much the same, if not worse, tomorrow. Sunday should see me feeling more like myself, I think. I hope. The timing sucks, because I had to work today and I have to work tomorrow. A Saturday work day is always crazy busy and long, which is not the best day to feel like crap. Oh well, I will survive.


It will be a busy weekend actually. Aside from work and feeling as I do, tomorrow night is our church's 50th anniversary celebration. Sunday morning is church, followed by a career fair at the college.


Today was going to be equally busy, but I opted to stay home this afternoon instead of attending my daughter's volleyball tournament. Otherwise, I would have run from work to volleyball to home and almost straight into bed, in the hopes of getting enough sleep to see me through Saturday. Now I get some time to relax, put a heating pad on my belly, and go to bed in a potentially more wound down state than I would be in had I gone to the tournament.


And am I ever looking forward to my sleep on Saturday night! It will be the night of setting the clocks back one hour, which means an extra hour of sleep! My most favourite night of the year!

Taking a Stand

It never fails to amaze me how kids will pick the most unexpected times to talk about important things, and last night was one of those moments. Abby and I were sitting on bleachers, watching the boys do their tennis lessons, when I made a comment about one of the coaches' behaviour. Abby picked up on it right away, saying that this coach was a control freak, and she went on to say that she had experience with that. Of course, that perked up my attention instantly.


The conversation then went on for the next fifteen, twenty minutes. Abby is getting weary of one of her friends, because this friend is controlling and mean. I had to resist the urge to inject my own comments and feelings into the conversation, because I've noticed these traits in this person for a long time. So, I just let Abby talk, with the occasional question from me.


It was a good conversation though, and I think it shows a new maturity within my daughter. After 6 years of friendship with this girl, Abby has finally found the voice to call her friend on something that is wrong. That takes a lot of guts! It's never easy to tell a friend something you know will not received well, but sometimes the truth needs to be told. Isn't that what friends are supposed to do?


Of course, this friend didn't like the conversation very much and walked away. Abby did not see her for the rest of the school day, but whether that was intentional or just the way the day went is unknown. I guess I'll know better today, when Abby gets home from school.


My little girl is growing up, but this is a good thing!

Change of Perspective

Blogging every day this month might be more of a challenge than I had originally anticipated, but not for the same reason. I had thought that my biggest obstacle would be remembering to post every day, but I am quickly discovering that I am stumbling over what to blog about! No sooner does an idea pop into my head than it fizzles and sputters and blinks out.


Part of the problem, I think, is that I have a mental list of things that need to be done at any given moment of time, and so my thoughts keep bouncing back and forth between what I want to do and what I should be doing, until I no longer feel like doing anything! I suppose that depression plays a role in this problem of mine, although I am sure that is not the only culprit.


In general, I think my depression is doing quite well, if that is the proper way to describe it. My mood has been more upbeat. I am more active. While I am still prone to exhaustion and feeling like a slug, I am also experiencing more energy and sense of purpose. Unfortunately, headaches seem to be on the come-back trail, and this is one thing I could do without.


Remember how I wanted to go for a run yesterday but didn't? Well, I did go for a run this morning, and I stretched it out to 3.68 kilometres, which is my longest run since I did my 5K race almost a month ago. Even though I knew that I was going for a run today, for sure, I still could have talked myself out of it quite easily. I didn't though, and I'm glad for that.


It was a little nippy outside, with a temperature of -2 Celsius when I left the house. The wind was against me for the first kilometre or so, and I had to wonder how much longer I could run outside with just my thin yoga jacket for protection from the wind and cold. Of course, by the time I was nearly finished, I was wondering how much longer I could run with my thin, cotton yoga jacket trapping my sweat inside! And all this got me thinking about the 5K fun run that I will be participating in on January 1st and what kind of clothing I will need to survive the weather that day. I will need a toque and mittens, a more water-resistant pair of shoes, ice grips (maybe), some sort of long-sleeved base layer top, and a jacket. I will be receiving a fleece jacket with my race kit prior to the January 1st race, so I hope that jacket will be sufficient for winter running. I honestly do not know how much running I will do outside this winter, especially if the weather is as cold and snowy as predicted. Obviously I will need to do some outdoor running in preparation for that 5K, but I certainly don't need to limit all my running to the outdoors. And once that 5K is completed, I can move my running to the treadmill at the gym until the weather warms up or the snow melts.


But my run this morning was good! I felt rejuvenated after I had done my stretching and showered off the sweat. My entire outlook on the day was more optimistic...at least for a while. I'm sure the endorphins will fade away before the kids are home from school.

Here We Go Again

I should go for a run today, but I am feeling incredibly lazy, with a slight indication of a headache on the horizon. Actually, it is more than just a slight indication. There isn't anything slight about it, although I would not yet classify this as a full-blown headache. Not yet.


The headaches, or lack of headaches, had been doing so well. While they have not yet been reduced to their original depths of despair, I am frustrated with the resurgence in frequency and tenacity.


Yesterday was a very good day...until about 3:45pm. My work day had been smooth, uneventful, calm, and easy-peasy. I came home from work, ready to face the rest of my day, only to be blind-sided by a headache mere minutes before I had to run out the door. This headache did not require a warm-up period. It did not give me ample warning of it's arrival. It just showed up unexpectedly and in full force. The Ibuprofen barely softened the edges, and so I chose to stay home last night rather than attend my ladies' study group. My head is full of static and lightning again this morning.


I am so not impressed! I think I will run tomorrow instead.

Day 1

It is November 1st, which means this is the start of NaBloPoMo . I was successful in my quest to blog every day last November, and I hope to be equally successful again this year. It won't be easy. In a way, I think this year might actually be a more difficult challenge, although I am basing this on feelings more than any actual factors. There just seems to be a lot going on in my day-to-day life, which means that I am more prone to forgetting all about blogging until it is late, late at night and I am almost asleep.

Today has the potential to be one of those kind of days, so I am throwing together a quick post first thing in the morning, before the craziness begins. It's not much of a post, I know. Mornings are not really my thing, but at least I had a fairly decent night's sleep. For a change.

How to Run a 5K

Blogger insists on posting my photos in the reverse order than I uploaded them, and I should have remembered but I didn't.

Last Saturday was my 5k run. The one that I have been focused on almost since I started running in the spring. Saturday was an amazing day, a highly emotional day, for me.

I woke up feeling fresh and ready to go. The weather was perfect. There wasn't any rain during the run, but there was enough chill in the air to keep me from overheating. And yet, it wasn't so cold that I needed to dress more warmly than I am used to so far.

The first wave of emotion hit me shortly before the run began, when I spotted my friend. I'll be honest. I was hoping, desperately, that some friends would come to cheer me on. I knew that my husband and kids would be there, as well as my parents, but I really wanted non-family friendly faces in the crowds. As much as I wanted friends there, I had not heard that any would be there, and, by the time I moved into the starting chute, I had pretty much given up hope that anyone else would come. I was disappointed, although I don't think I fully realized how much so until I saw K and the tears threatened to blind me. It is probably good that I didn't have the luxury of time to move over and chat with her properly, but I was so glad to see her.

While waiting for the run to begin, a young girl, positioned beside me, asked me if I had done this run before. I told her that I had not and asked if she had. Her answer was the same as mine, but it was a timely reminder that I was not the only rookie out there.

The second emotional wave washed over me shortly after the run began, no more than 4-500 metres from the start. There was no other reason except the emotion of the moment and the realization that I was doing something amazing! Okay, so I know that there are many who might not think running a 5k is much of an accomplishment at all. After all, 5k is a far cry from the 21.1k of a half-marathon or the 42.2k of a marathon. It's kind of like comparing a hamburger to filet-mignon. More on that further on.

I managed to run about a kilometre and a half or so before the next wave of emotion threatened my composure. This time the cause was much easier to figure out. My husband and sons were standing on the sidelines, with a 'go mom' sign and camera in hand. No sooner had I regained control than I saw my parents on the sidelines, and I had to struggle for composure again. My daughter and her friend were just slightly further down the road, but my composure was fine, although I cannot explain why.

The run, in general, was good. I did not stop or walk at all, nor did I feel too heavily taxed. It was a good run! There have been days, over the past several months, where running was a struggle, mentally and physically. In fact, that was one of my biggest worries heading into this event. What if I had one of those tough run days? But everything was good, even my hips. That was another big worry-the dreaded, painful hips. They held up well though, which was a blessing indeed.

Although the 5k event was not a timed race, I kept an eye on my watch to keep track of my own pace. The first kilometre was surprisingly fast for me...under 6 minutes! The second kilometre was still respectable but slower. The third kilometre was between the two previous split times. I cannot recall the time for the fourth kilometre, although I suspect that it was possibly slower than the third kilometre. My final time was 31 minutes, 33 seconds, which is a personal best time! I had enough in me to push a little harder in that final kilometre, especially the final 500 metres.

Emotion choked me up again when my husband came to hug and congratulate me. I was also wheezing a bit, which was something new, but my breathing settled down quickly and I was fine.

The whole experience was amazing! My emotions were on edge for the rest of the day. Literally. I went home and puttered about the house preparing for the next day's Thanksgiving dinner, but tears were ready to spring at any given moment. Maybe I'm just an emotional wreck at times. I don't know, but I do know that this day was the pinnacle, the climax of several months of hard work and determination.

I really only started running in May of this year. It began without any real focus, but I soon decided to register for this event, as a way to keep myself from quitting when the going got tough. Before I realized it, I discovered that I was desperate to do this. It was no longer just something I wanted to do. I had to do it. For me.

Getting to this event was a long journey that spanned only a few months. It involved running 2 to 4 times a week from June through to the beginning of October. I had to deal with stiff muscles, burning lungs, and lack of endurance in those early days. Then came a strained calf muscle, recurring hip pain, and shin pain, possibly shin splints. There were those difficult running days, where my goal seemed so unreachable. There were the good days, where I felt like I was so close to my goal I could almost taste it, whatever that may taste like. I had days where I had to drag myself out for a run, especially these past few weeks, when fatigue was so deep in my bones. But I made it.

And that is why there was so much emotion for me that day! I had set a tough goal, worked hard, and reached that goal...with a personal best time! I didn't quit or give up, because it was too hard or too exhausting. I didn't find excuses to cop out. I accomplished what I set out to do, and it was so worth all the effort. It was an emotional experience, because I was so proud of myself, and I had every reason to feel that pride. I don't know that I have ever truly felt such pride in myself for anything. I certainly cannot recall ever having accomplished a feat requiring determination and hard work like that before.

I am proud of myself and rightly so!

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Falling Forward

Where did summer go? I have to ask that question, and yet, I must say that this summer felt longer than the past couple of summers. It was a good summer, I think. As much as it is always sad to say good-bye to summer, I am always eager for the arrival of autumn. Fall is my most favourite season of them all!

The kids are back to school, with the first full day being today. Such milestones this year holds for us, and I am not fully certain what to think of them or if I even want to think about them! Sam, our firstborn has started his graduation year, and this is most likely the biggest, most emotionally difficult milestone of them all, for me. Casey has entered high school, and I can hear the minute insecurities in his questions. I know he will be okay, but I also realize how rapidly his own graduation is approaching. Our baby girl has entered middle school and is straddling that invisible line between the worlds of being a child and becoming a teenager. It is a little scary to think of her as a teenage girl, even as she is eagerly jumping at the chance to grab hold of all that entails. Our kids are growing up, and we cannot stop it for anything.

With the kids back in school, I always appreciate the return to regular programming at home. My work schedule settles into something comfortable and manageable, even if frequently a little less than hoped for. However, there is something to be said for only being required to wake up at ungodly hours only once a week! I am eager to get back to a more or less stable routine of work, school, kids' activities/practices, and other regular activities. It will be interesting to see how my running routines will fit into our fall routines, but I think I can make it work. At least my work schedule should allow me more flexibility to fit in runs during the day, especially now that the heat of summer is gone. And even housework should become slightly more manageable and predictable now that summer is over. Or so I always hope! I am making progress on my lengthy "to-do list". I so do love the act of making a list and checking things off!

I am also thrilled with the new found quiet in the house. As much as I enjoy time with my family, I also need a bit of space and quiet for myself. Such things have been in extremely short supply over the past year, but today is a tangible reminder of how lovely silence can be.

We had a good summer, but I am glad it is over. My favourite season is upon us, and I am enjoying the change of weather that ushered in September. It won't be long before my bare feet get too cold to tolerate, but for now I am happy to put on a sweater or snuggle beneath a blanket. Mugs of Earl Grey tea are waiting for me, along with stacks of fresh books from the library. It must also be about time for a rash of jigsaw puzzles.

Yes, I do love Fall!

Summertime

It is difficult to believe that the summer is already half gone. I am never left unsurprised by the rapid passage of time. For all those days that seem to drag on and on, there are so many more days that fly by at the speed of light, never to be seen again.

Our summer has been a busy one thus far, but I think it has also been a generally good one. We returned to the "joys" of All-Star baseball, with both Casey and Abby have busy baseball schedules in July. The All-Star season is always short and sweet but insane. Abby wrapped up mid-way through July, which was perfectly fine by us. She had fun and worked on improving her skills. Casey's team had a berth at the Provincials Championship, but they could not field enough players to actually go. Despite the team's poor showing at the Valley of Champions tournament, Casey played very well and impressed his coaches immensely. We heard many great compliments about Casey. Of course, we are always proud of him, but it was good for Casey to be injected with a boost of self-confidence.

Sam left town for two weeks, arriving back home last night. He had travelled to Creston and Cranbrook with his friend, to hang out with his friend's grand-parents and do a lot of fishing. They did do a lot of fishing! Sam brought home his frozen big rainbow trout. I thought it was huge in the photo he emailed to us, but it is even bigger in the flesh. Sam had a good time. Still, I am glad that he is home. I missed him.

Two weeks ago, Kane, Casey and I were all sick for several days. It was nasty, hit suddenly, and lingered. During that time, I saw the doctor about the continuing pain in my right calf, which turned out to be a strain. So much for my husband telling me to run past the pain! A break from the running was required for healing, and I had my first run just the other night. I took it easy and slow, but I still managed to run 2k without too much effort. It was good to get back to the running, and I cannot believe that I actually missed it. Those sick days disrupted my daily 100 crunches though, and I have not yet got back into the habit of doing them every day. I had done so well up until that day I was hanging over the toilet! I just need to crack down and get back to it. Just goes to show how quickly a good habit can be broken.

And now we are into August.

Sam and I checked his recently posted final exam marks online last night. He had only one final exam to check, but it was the most important one. His final mark for Socials 11 was a 47%, prior to the final exam. This course was required for graduation, and we were already anticipating the need to do some course changes at the end of this month, in order to get Socials 11 into his schedule again. But, Sam did better on his final exam than either of us anticipated, scoring 70%, which was enough to raise his final grade to a C-. It is by the skin of his teeth, but he passed!

In a couple of weeks, I will begin my serious training for the 5k, which is an 8 week program. I don't think I will have too much difficulty with the program. Up until my rest break, I was in already in the habit of running several times per week, and I had just recently increased my endurance to slightly more than 3k. The program starts with slightly more than a 2k run and gradually increases the distance each week, so that should be no big deal. I think the harder aspect will be doing the cross-training.

Back-to-school supplies are now lining the shelves of Wal-Mart, which means thoughts must soon turn to the prospect of another school year. I am both eager for the start of the school year and dreading it. Sam is starting grade 12, his final year of high school, and I feel at odds with the fact that he is reaching these milestones. It makes me feel old in a way that another birthday has yet to do.

Big Fish

Sam is out of town with his friend for two weeks. He's been gone one week already, and I miss him. I know he is having a great time and having wonderful experiences, including the one pictured above. He caught a 72 cm, 8.7 lb rainbow trout yesterday! That is one sweet-looking fish!





This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Canada Day

I had a relatively good day at work. The morning started out slowly, as holiday mornings tend to be, but business was hopping by 9:00 am and crazy by 10:00 am. Still, it was a good day. We had enough staff, I think, for the most part. It felt like a Saturday, because there were very few full-timers working. My feet were quite sore by the end of my shift, but I will gladly take sore feet if it means a good day at work!

Tomorrow is another long day at work, although it might be a little busier earlier in the morning, as tomorrow is just another Friday. Of course, summer is now here, so there could well be changes to our typical rush periods. I don't mind being busy. I don't even mind a bit of crazy, so long as we have good workers with good attitudes and work ethics. As long as everyone is getting along and working hard, I don't mind being run off my feet. Whether or not tomorrow will be a crazy day is any one's guess, but it is eight hours of work, followed by four days off. I can handle that!

Today is Canada Day, the birthday of my fine nation. There won't be any celebrating by me tonight; I'll be in bed within an hour. Abby is going to enjoy the fireworks with a friend. Sam is going to enjoy the fireworks with a friend. Kane and Casey are going to stay home and watch a movie or two. I hope to be sleeping soundly by the time the first rocket goes up, regardless of whether I could actually hear the noise or not.

Eight hours of work until my long weekend!

Last Day

Today was the last day of school, and the last day of having a child in elementary school! I should probably feel a little emotional about that, but I just don't have any tears to shed today. This is a milestone, I know, and I suppose there is a measure of sadness that this chapter of our lives is finished. And yet, I feel more gladness and relief than sadness. Our years at Glenmore Elementary were good years, but I am ready to move onward and upward. I say that now, fully realizing that my feelings may change come September and my daughter's first day of middle school.

I am a little surprised about my emotionless state. Usually I do get emotional about such things. Perhaps I would have been choked up and swiping at tears had I gone to the year-end assembly this morning, but I felt quite crummy physically and stayed home.

The report cards were generally good, except for one subject on Sam's report card, which is a very loud and obnoxious 'F' in Social Studies. His mark is dependent upon his final exam mark, which we will not know until the end of July; however, I strongly doubt that his exam mark will be anywhere close enough to raise his mark above the fail mark. This means he will need to waste a day, maybe more, at the end of August, trying to make the repeat Social Studies 11 class into his schedule. He did plan for a spare next year, so he has an empty block to play with, but we still must hope there is a Socials 11 class during his spare block, or hope that any required juggling doesn't adversely affect his chosen courses for the year. Regardless, he will have a heavy year of school ahead of him, especially if he wants to graduate on schedule.

And that is something that can throw me into a bit of a panic if I allow myself the time and space to think about it...Sam will be entering grade 12 in the fall and graduating next spring! How can that be? It feels like only a few years ago that I graduated from high school. I certainly don't feel old enough to have a child graduating! But I guess this is my 20th grad anniversary. I feel so old.

Goal!

I registered this morning for a 5k race in October. Maybe I am crazy, but I think I am looking forward to the challenge...and finishing the race! I have realized that I need a tangible deadline or target to reach for, otherwise I am too easily distracted by how I am feeling or all the things that need doing apart from exercising. Running 5k has been my fitness goal for the 26 week weight-loss challenge that I have been taking part in since the start of the year. Here I am in the middle of week 24, and I have not given that goal any serious attention.

Kane and I went for a jog last night. Our route covered just over 4k, but I did have to walk the last kilometre or so. Still, that is not too shabby for someone who really hasn't run more than 1.5k at one time! I didn't blaze any trails yet. Our start to finish time was about 45 minutes, although I am sure that last walking kilometre would have been faster had we jogged. Had I jogged that last kilometre though, I doubt that I would be able to move today. My hips were feeling quite strained by that point. And yet, my hips don't feel too badly today. There might be hope for me yet!

Hooray for the Weekend!

It has been a long day but a good one. Actually, the entire weekend has been long, busy, but good.

It all began Friday night with Abby's baseball game. We finally had decent weather, and the girls played a good game, even though we ultimately lost. Abby had an awesome hit for a double after a bit of a batting slump.

Yesterday was another sunny and beautiful day for Casey's double-header baseball games. His team played well, except for a couple of horrible plays, and soundly won both games. Casey pitched to start the second game, and he did an amazing job! I think it was the best pitching he has ever done, and he was only pulled from the game to save him for our game Monday night. Casey needed that boost of confidence.

After being at baseball most of the day, we came home and got to work on our renovation project. I put on the first coat of paint on the dining room wall. The red is a drastic change, but it looked great, even for only the first coat.

Today was another hot and sunny day. Abby and I finished painting the kitchen and dining room. There is still the ceiling, baseboards and trim to paint another day. Then Kane had to umpire a baseball game this afternoon, so I tagged along to watch the game.

I love the red paint! It really changes the look and feel of the kitchen, and it just feels fresh and exciting. And it looks great! Next up on the to-do list is the flooring.

But I have to go to court tomorrow for jury selection!

NOW

So, I just found out what NaBloPoMo's theme for June is, because I have a new email address and forgot to update my account there. The theme is NOW.

I am ready to finish this renovation NOW! I can almost see the finished product in my mind, and I am so eager to see it in reality. The drywall is up, and I am planning on painting on Sunday. First I need to do some wall prep...washing, some light sanding, taping. Even a few days ago, I was not looking forward to painting. I am not overly good at it, and I am not enough of a perfectionist to care about doing a perfect job. But today, right now, I want to paint!

I almost want to stay up late tonight to start on the prep, but I won't. Not tonight. We'll be spending about 6 hours at the ball park tomorrow, but I will do my prep either in the morning or in the evening, so that Sunday is all about the painting.

Weary Wednesday

Waking up has been hard to do for a while now, but fatigue has weighed especially heavy on me today. It is not atypical for me to hit the snooze button when my alarm rings at 7:00 in the morning, but that is just a reaction to the rude awakening and not a desire for a few more minutes of sleep. I hit the snooze, get out of bed, put on my glasses, and shut off the alarm. Until today.

The alarm rang. I hit the snooze button and fell asleep until the alarm rang again, and even then I could have easily fallen asleep again. I didn't, but I could have.

All day long I have felt so tired and drowsy. At 1:30 pm, I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes. I wish that I could say that I had a good nap, but I didn't. Not really. I might have dozed lightly for maybe 10 minutes, but I was still half aware of the noises made by Kane in the kitchen and the traffic outside. Then I was definitely awake. My exhaustion had not been sated, but I had at least achieved a measure of alertness, which could either be seized upon or ignored. I ignored it for a few minutes more before getting out of bed and putting myself to work.

My afternoon was a little more productive than the morning. I was able to do some purging and re-organizing in my bedroom closet, which helps me eliminate some clutter from the computer station. I cleaned the top of the fridge, removing dust and grime and more clutter. I tidied up the hall bookcase to make better use of that space and, you guessed it, eliminate more clutter. (Can you tell how much I hate clutter?) I also arranged pick-up next week for all the bags of excess clothing, shoes, toys, books, and stuff that we no longer need.

Undoubtedly I will awake still tired tomorrow and Friday morning, but I will go to work and make the most of my hours there, desperately hoping for a lack of drama and attitude. Saturday can be a sleep-in day, followed by a baseball double-header. Maybe I can start painting on Sunday? Monday will see me in court for jury selection. Whether or not I am selected will remain to be seen, but I would relish the opportunity, I think.

Wake-Up Calls

It was incredibly hard to get out of bed this morning. My alarm rang at 7:00. I swiped at the snooze button and tried to keep my eyes open without yet actually getting up and out of bed. A few minutes passed before I finally dragged my body out of bed, knowing that I had to get up even if all I wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep.

I slept well enough, although I was awoken by the ringing of the phone at 6:00 AM. As I dashed for the phone, sans eye-glasses and with night-guard in my mouth, I knew who was calling, and I was not pleased. Of course it was my workplace calling to see if I could possibly come into work this morning, like for 7:00 or 8:00, but the earlier the better. I said no, without a shred of guilt, and stumbled back to bed, desperate to find my way back to dreamland as soon as possible.

I do not feel guilty about saying no, but I know that my negative response will not be looked on favourably by certain individuals at work. In the fall when it is time for my annual review, I know that this will be a topic that will be broached, a guilt-trip heaped on me to be more available to my slave-drivers. Naturally, they always seem to forget all the times that I do come in on a day off to cover a shift or come in earlier or stay later than scheduled. Last week, I stayed later for both my shifts. On Victoria Day two weeks ago, I came in two hours early after a 5:00 in the morning phone call! I realize that they usually only call when they are in a bind and need someone to come in, but what they don't seem to realize is that I do my best to be flexible and organize my life around my schedule.

Since I never know what my shifts will be more than a week and a half in advance, I am often forced to plan my appointments and errands on short notice around my schedule. If I am scheduled to work Thursday and Friday, then I will fill up my days off with everything that needs doing. I do not want full-time hours and this has been clear from the day I was hired. I think that I have been good about helping out my employers and co-workers when necessary. Sure, I may not always say yes to covering a shift, but I have said yes just as often as I have said no. And it is a little bothersome to know that all the good I have done is forgotten or ignored the moment I do what is best for me instead of the store.

Yes, I have seen first-hand how management reacts when someone "lets" them down, and it disgusts me. There is not a lot of respect floating around our workplace lately, which makes saying yes that much harder. It is bad enough going to work for a scheduled shift and being inundated with complaining and petty attitudes as soon as I walk in the door. Who wants to work in an environment like that? Do I really want to sacrifice a day off to subject myself to that? I don't think so.

It might seem selfish to my co-workers that I do not want to give up my days off so readily, but this is my life and this is how I want to live it. If I want to be home for my kids after school, that is my perogative, my right. If I only want X number of hours of work each week, then don't be surprised if I am not keen to add more hours to my schedule. Saying no is often difficult for me, and I have been taken advantage of many times.

In general, I think I am doing okay lately, healthwise, but sometimes I wonder. My little blue anti-depressant doesn't seem to give me the same vigor that it did way back at the beginning, and I look back at those early days and miss the energy, the refreshed awakening each morning. Part of me wonders if my groggy mornings are an indication that the depression is rearing its' ugly head. Or am I just exhausted from the busyness of life? I have more energy than I did before the pills began but not as much as I did in those first few weeks. Depression or not? Sleepiness has been hitting me hard the past few nights, earlier than what I have become accustomed to, and a good night's sleep never seems to be enough. I don't want to sink into depression, not like I was before, even though it was never severe. But I feel okay. There are no major dramas or upsets in life, outside of work, at least nothing fresh. There are plenty of stale dramas lurking in the shadows, but they are not on stage at the moment. Or so I think.

And now my eyes are heavy. My arms feel leaden, my fingers swollen. It is late and time for bed. No early morning phone calls, please!

Excavating Artifacts of an Ancient Friendship

I did something last week that I did not think I would ever do again. I mailed a note card to a former friend, one that I have not had any communication with for a couple of years, at least, and that was one-sided communication. That previous attempt to bridge the gap between us was my last hope. There is only so much that can be done when one party refuses to communicate and chooses to close the gate and raise the drawbridge. A wounded heart can only take so much. I reached out in vain and was content, for lack of a better word, to allow this former friend's silence signify the end of our relationship.

I had not planned on any further attempts at communicating. Why would I want to rip open scars still not wholly healed? However, I think God had other plans for me, but that really isn't too surprising. Most unexpectedly, I felt the need to set pen to paper and compose a card for this estranged friend. What I was to say I had no idea, but I thought there would be no harm in writing a note; I didn't have to actually mail it, I reasoned. My mind was blank. There were no words to write aside from her name. After all, this wasn't my idea in the first place!

And then it happened. I wrote, found words I didn't know were lurking within, and the more I wrote, the more confident I felt about mailing the card. It was a weird feeling but a good one, yet it wasn't until I was writing in my journal about the experience that I fully grasped the truth of the situation.

The card was for my old friend, but it was also for me, maybe even more so! For a long time I have been struggling to reconcile my feelings of the past with the present. There are so many good and wonderful memories to be found in the history of this friendship, but there are also painful memories, sad and bittersweet. And of course, there is no longer the friendship that was once so precious and dear to me. The end of the friendship was not a clean break. I can produce several hypotheses for why the relationship ended, but they would only be my own speculations based on my own feelings and perceptions. As much as I believe in my own understanding, I am realistic enough to know that I can imagine intentions that may not exist, but all I have to work with is my own thoughts, since my attempts to discuss the problems have yielded no actual discussion. It is precisely this uncertainty that fans the flames of my turmoil. How should I feel about our history when someone that was once as close as a sister can so casually toss me aside?

The words that flowed from heart to paper were simply expressions of love for the friend that I once had and an understanding that our history together was important to me and in the shaping of who I am today. Even if I may at times wish to erase those memories, I cannot and would not. I can choose to look at those memories with fondness, perhaps a measure of sadness, too. Just as I would mourn the death of a friend, I mourn the death of this friendship. A physical death would cause me to hold the artifacts of friendship close to my heart. They would be pulled out from time to time, caressed and looked at with fondness, memories flooding my heart with sadness and joy. This friendship may no longer exist, but I can choose to view the artifacts of this relationship in the same manner.

I mailed the card. A response would be unexpected, and I know better than to expect one in any form. But it does not really matter. Mission accomplished! I have a new peace about this situation now, and it feels right.

Renos

So the dining room wall is entirely gone, as is the ugly green shag carpet that was in the dining room since the dawn of time. I am so glad to see that carpet go! The computer desk has been moved, and wires, almost all of them, re-run out of sight. We are waiting on the electrician to move a couple of wires and put in a new electrical outlet.

This morning, Kane and I went to Home Depot and Costco to look at our flooring options. We had previously settled on a vinyl laminate at Home Depot which was about $54 for 24 sq. feet, on sale for 10% off. At Costco, we found laminate on sale for about 20 cents cheaper per sq. foot, so we were suddenly contemplating this as a better option. We went back to HD to double-check and weigh our options. The laminate was cheaper, but it would also present more hassle and work, with the risk of permanent damage if liquids were spilled. The vinyl laminate eliminated much of the hassles and risks, plus we had more selection of styles. The particular style we were most interested in was not available for ordering, but we found one style that had no visible sample on display which was on sale for $35 per case (20 sq. ft.)! We came home with enough vinyl laminate to do the kitchen, dining room, hallway, bathroom, and front entry, with possibly enough to return a box or two.

I also picked up some paint chips, as I will be re-painting the kitchen and one of the dining room walls in a new colour. I have long planned on changing the kitchen wall colour to red from the current yellow. I think I found the shade I want.

Slowly but surely, things are taking shape and looking good.

Head Case

My head hurts, and that is putting it quite mildly. Actually, it feels like a giant vise is squeezing the back of my head to the point that the pain makes me feel like puking. I have not vomited yet, and likely won't reach that point, but that sick feeling is so real. At one point this afternoon, I felt particularly 'sick' with nausea and feeling too warm and too clammy. This headache has been raging since yesterday afternoon, and it was especially nasty last night while I tried to sleep. Sleep was interrupted repeatedly, including an hour and a half session when I got out of bed to watch TV in the hopes that the headache would be appeased by a change of location or position.

So, not only am I in pain, but I am also tired. My eyes feel swollen and heavy, filled with buckets of sand. Thinking is painful. Loud noises are painful, which is a problem in a house filled with noisy people. Life has been sucked out of me today, and I can only hope and pray that a good night's sleep lies before me and a headache-free day awaits me in the morning.

Laptops and Walls

My laptop arrived today, and I quite literally jumped and squealed like a little girl. In fact, I am typing up my blog on it right now. I love it, but it will take some getting used to how to use it and finding my way around the keyboard. My left pinky keeps hitting \ instead of the shift key, and the backspace key isn't quite where my fingers want it to be. I will adapt though.

I also no longer have a wall between my kitchen and dining room. What a difference a wall, or lack thereof, can make! The area already looks larger and more open, but I think it will look even larger and better once the flooring is redone, the walls repainted, the furniture moved around. It will take some time, as home renovations tend to do, but it will be worth it.

Email

Tomorrow is the end of an era, or so it feels like anyway. We are switching cable/internet providers, and tomorrow is the big day. Of course, this means waiting and waiting for the installation tech to arrive sometime between 8:00 am and 5:00 pm, so I am stuck at home for the day. The process will likely take a few hours, which means a stranger mucking around my house running cables and doing whatever it takes to set things up. Lovely.

The hardest adaptation, at least that I can anticipate, is the onerous process of coming up with new email addresses for everyone and making all the notifications and updates of the changes. Schools, church, sports teams, friends, relatives, Facebook, my blogs, all the places that send me/us regular emails, and probably a bunch of places that I won't even think about at the time...it's rather daunting!

And yet it is exciting.

Total Drama Island

I enjoy my job...most of the time. My job may not be glamorous or prestigious. I have no fancy degrees or post-secondary education, and I will never get rich doing what I do right now. And that is okay with me.

When I decided it was time to return to the workforce, I knew that I wanted to work somewhere that would give me the flexibility I wanted in order to continue to be a mom home for her kids. Putting my kids into daycare was never even up for consideration. When the kids were finished school for the day, I wanted to be there and needed to be there. There is always something going on after school: appointments, playing with friends, school sports, other sports or clubs.

I found what I was looking for in a job at Tim Horton's. My bosses are flexible with my schedule, which is the most important thing for me. They have also respected my abilities and invested in me by giving me more responsibilities. In September of this year, I will have worked there for 5 years, but it doesn't feel that long at all!

There are, however, moments when going to work is something I dread rather than look forward to. There are moments when I am at work and frustrated or upset by the situations swirling around me. For the most part, I am pretty good at letting issues slide off my back, even if they do ruffle my feathers for a little while. My philosophy is that I work to live instead of living to work, so I try not to let the problems at work seep into my life apart from work. I can have a bad day at work on Monday and have a great day at work the next day. Unfortunately, some of my co-workers think they are still in kindergarten, where learning to share and resolve problems are skills needing to be learned.

Yesterday, a co-worker, I'll call her A, made an angry motion and noises to which I asked what was going on. Her response was a mumble along the lines of 'having eyes in the back of her head', which made absolutely no sense to me and gave me no further insight into why she was suddenly angry. I stood there with a lost expression on my face, while she stalked off. I was later told by another co-worker, I'll call her D, that the problem was an assumption by A that D and I had been talking about A behind her back! When D told A that we had not talked about her at all, A said that she knew we were because she could see it in our eyes!

That little conversation was carried out away from my hearing, and A never once actually spoke to me about her perceived problem. Instead, A would not look at me or speak to me for the rest of the day. Hello?! I don't go running around talking about my co-workers with other co-workers, and at the time that this was supposed to have happened, we were busy serving customers and had no time for talking about anything. We most certainly were not talking about A!

This is the sort of drama that happens where I work from time to time, or rather more frequently than it should. Certain individuals get worked up over petty issues, and when there aren't enough real issues to complain about, they make some up, like "talking" behind one's back. It is almost funny. It would be funny if it weren't so terribly pathetic. This isn't why I go to work. I go to work to do my job, to do it to the best of my abilities, and to come home at the end of my shift, leaving the job behind. My life has enough drama and problems without bringing more home with me.

Today was mostly a better day, although I don't think that A ever really did talk to me. Oh well! I'm not going to lose sleep over it. If she wants to stress over her paranoia, then she can do as she likes. It's Friday, and I have a wonderful weekend ahead of me and better things to do with my time than stress over work.

Just Another Day in the Merry Month of May

Today was a productive day and a good day, because I usually have one or the other more often than I have both at the same time! Last night, I was not looking forward to today. I thought today would be a series of events with no time to even breathe properly. Today was my last day off work for a couple of days, and yesterday was spent at tennis from 8:30 AM until 3:40 PM. There were too many things on my 'To Do' list for today, that I feared I could not possibly fit them all in and still find time to relax.

I succeeded where I thought I might fail, but it did require postponing my trip to the library and putting off my shower to this evening instead of the morning. At the end of the day, and I'm not there yet, everything worked out better than expected, and I even had enough time and energy to make some cookies for the kids.

The laundry has been washed, dried and folded. My kitchen has been tidied, counters cleared and dishes washed. I went to Wal-Mart and Quality Greens for some groceries. I changed the burnt out tail light that I have been meaning to do for a couple of months. The kitchen floor has been swept. I watered my tomato plant, pulled a few weeds, snipped a couple of lilac sprigs to bring into the house, uploaded the photos that I took yesterday at Sam's tennis games, finished reading a book, baked cookies, and have supper prep finished!

It has been a lovely day. Now if only my throat would stop feeling so dry and scratchy and my nose would stop being so stuffy/runny...

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Blue Skies

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Weather or Not

Is that sunshine and blue skies I see? Will the sun stick around for the baseball game tonight? Will the thermometer climb above 10C today?

Casey was supposed to umpire a game tonight, but he is on crutches and unable to fulfil his duties. Abby was supposed to have the night off, but she has been called over to the 'blue' Halos team for a game tonight as they are short players. So, I will be at the ballpark, but I will be free to take pictures, read a book, play some tennis (if I can drag Sam along), relax, and just watch the game. I love keeping score, but it is also nice to have the freedom to simply be there.

Darkness Falls

Hey! I got an email from a friend, which was exciting until I opened it and read the message. It's not that the news was bad. It's just not very reassuring either, and I am not sure how to feel about it. I know that my initial reaction is to feel like I crossed the finish line in last place and bitterness is fast on my heels.

I have been waiting and waiting for an email, or any communication, from this friend for a long time now. The last time I heard from her was near the end of February. I know that I have emailed her a couple of times since then and mailed an actual letter, but I have still been waiting in the dark.

The frustrating part of all this is that I feel like I am constantly in the dark with this friend. I don't think it is intentional, but that doesn't make me feel any more comfortable about the situation. I will let my perfect veneer crack a little here. I am tired of being in the dark! I am tired of getting rare and cryptic emails that give me only a glimpse into what is going on in my friend's life. I am tired of replying to those emails and sending my own full of questions and comments that are never answered or returned. I am tired of picking at crumbs and telling myself that I am content with what has been given to me. I am not a greedy nor demanding person! I don't need constant approval or attendance from my friends, but come on! How much of this can a person take?

This email was once again short and cryptic. Apparently she was here in town, although I have no idea when that might have been or for how long. I so very seldom know when she is coming to town. She apologized for not contacting us (as in a group of friends), but she went on to say that this will become the new routine for her visits to town. She will stay in one spot and focus on one friend/family per trip to town.

I can understand and appreciate how stressful and crazy it is for her to visit with all her friends and family here every time they come to town. I get it! This is why I have refused to be one of those demanding friends. And yet, with this pronouncement, I know what that will mean for me...I am stuck in the dark again, still, basically permanently. I have never been high on her priority list for visiting. I would be blessed indeed to see her for an hour during a stint in town, and those precious times were rare. So, I feel resigned. What can I do?

I have tried to explain how I feel, and that didn't go so well. I was told that I need to squeak more, because the squeaky wheel gets the grease. There is truth in that, but squeaky wheels are also annoying and get greased out of that annoyance rather than out of regular care and attention. Because if you were going to grease a squeaky wheel, wouldn't you also make sure the other wheels were well-lubricated? Or is that just me?

And the email ended with the cryptic reference to a trip down south for 6 weeks. That's it-no more information than that. Okay. What trip? Why are you going there? I could email her and ask, but experience has taught me that those questions are seldom answered. Obviously some people do know the details, and I am not one of those people.

I don't mind the dark most of the time, but this is a little ridiculous.

Looking At Today

The day started with me feeling like a slug, but it has been a more or less productive day.

I coloured my hair, so I don't need to keep doing an internal freak-out over every newly spotted grey hair. I know this is only a temporary solution and it won't be long before I am once again spotting silvery strands, but I am mollified for the time being.

I walked 3.5 km today which was much needed and nice. I still don't get enough exercise, so I need to take advantage of what free time I get. As I am not working for the rest of the week, I should be able to fit in more exercise. Should is the key word there!

I baked a double batch of Deceptively Delicious brownies which are currently cooling on the counter. The recipe doesn't call for any icing, but I think I will use the icing recipe from the chocolate scones I made a couple of weeks ago. It is a simple icing recipe that isn't too heavy and would add a nice touch of sweetness to the brownies. Last time I made these brownies, I used all unsweetened chocolate, but this time I did half unsweetened and half dark. The kids will eat them, and I am happy that there are hidden goodies inside.

Casey has baseball tonight. Abby had baseball last night...in the freezing cold and wind! The sun is playing peek-a-boo through the clouds today, but I keep hoping that we'll have nice weather for the game. I don't want to freeze anymore! It's not good for my upper back/neck muscles, as they tense up and get very sore. At least this game is closer to home than the game last night in Summerland!

Looking Up, Not So Much

I am still waiting for the nice weather to make a semi-permanent appearance. Of course we have baseball and tennis tonight, which means the skies are dismally grey and rain is more likely than not. The wind is rather chilly, too. How excited am I to sit out in this weather for another ballgame? Not at all.

Like the weather, I am in a bit of a funk. My left wrist has been bothering me for a week or so. The pain isn't as much of a factor now as it was last week, but there is still just enough pain to keep my wrist from fading into the background of my mind. My wrist feels like there is something vibrating just beneath the skin on the palm side. I have been wearing my splint at night since this episode began. I joked with Abby last week that I couldn't do a push-up if my life depended on it. Well, I said, I could probably do ONE push-up, but it would most likely kill me! Ha ha ha.

Last week I went in for the yearly female exam at the doctor's office, which is never an overly pleasant experience, but this exam didn't go quite as smoothly as expected. There is a good likelihood that I will need to come back and do it all over again. Lovely! I may possibly have a fibroid. If I do indeed need to repeat the swab, then I will likely also be sent for an ultra-sound to confirm the fibroid. I'm not too sure how I feel about that possibility...the fibroid, not the ultra-sound. It's nothing to get excited about, I know, but it feels like just one more thing at a time when I don't have enough room on my plate for anything else. A fibroid could possibly explain some minor issues I've been noticing though...

And then I am just feeling a little low, under-appreciated and taken for granted. Throw everything into one pot, give it a couple stirs, and you wind up with the wreck that is me. It's hard to take time for yourself, when everyone depends on you for even the most basic of needs. It appears that I am the only person qualified to do laundry, make supper, fix computer issues, keep everyone organized, and motivate everyone to do their chores. It must be nice to let someone else take care of everything for you.

Every single day, I go into the bathroom and find pieces of toilet paper on the floor beside the garbage can! On the floor! Is it really too much to ask that everyone ensures that their used garbage ends up in the garbage?! That is my pet peeve of the day. I could write a novel...

Blah!

All I have to say is........................................

LOOK UP

If I tell myself that I will blog every day this month would I actually succeed? My good intentions do not always transition into accomplishments, but this is the first day of a new month. The slate is wiped clean, and I am free to try again. NaBloPoMo's theme for May is LOOK UP.

For today, it is enough to say that the weather caused many of us to LOOK UP several times through-out the day. We had three baseball games today, so we were outdoors from about 10:30am until 5:00pm. The weather was a mixed bag of showers and sunshine, showers and sunshine. The wind was not a major player today, for which I am thankful, as last night's wind was brutally fierce and biting cold. When the sun shone today, the warmth was actually quite nice. And then the clouds would swoop in, dark and ominous, and the rain would quickly send us diving beneath our umbrellas. The weather wasn't too bad, because we have definitely played in worse; however, I am more than ready for the sun to make an extended appearance!

Iris

The front yard is looking more luscious and beautiful by the day. The first iris bloomed just a couple of days ago, and the tulips are ever so close to blooming. Most every plant that I transplanted last fall is now growing; it's been exciting to watch. A co-worker blessed me with numerous plants that she was ripping out of her garden last fall, so I planted them in my newly renovated front yard, not really knowing what to expect. With my black thumbs, I wasn't even sure that these transplants would grow, and I admit that I still am basically holding my breath.

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The BIGGEST Loser

Okay, I admit it. I watch The Biggest Loser, although I have only begun to watch it this season. While I know that it is just another reality TV show, I love it. I cannot fully explain why I enjoy this show as much as I do. Perhaps it is all about timing and the fact that this season began at the same time that Kane and I started our weight-loss/lifestyle changes in January. Regardless of the reason, I find myself connecting with the participants on many levels. Last night's episode was a prime example of that.

Jillian, the trainer, was trying to get inside the head of one contestant to find out what was holding her back and why she got to where she was in the first place. Initially the contestant answered in a typical 'I don't know' fashion, but she eventually started to talk about never feeling good enough. She didn't feel like she was a good enough person, a good enough daughter, because she wasn't beautiful and slender. I may not be obese, but her sentiments echoed within me.

I have grown up, lived my life, believing that I am not now, or ever will be, good enough. On one level I can recognize that snare in my path, yet, in many ways, I can still be blind-sided by the truth of what fuels my actions and thoughts. It's not always very pretty.

In my school days, I never felt good enough. I was never a part of the 'in' crowd. I wore the wrong clothes. I didn't have the trendiest gadgets and gizmos. I didn't have the looks, and I didn't have enough skill or talent to thrive in the arts or sports. I was not good enough.

The adult world is really not all that different from the juvenile world. Only faces and places change. I still feel inadequate. I still don't have the looks or the right styles. I don't have the money or desire to collect all the trendiest gadgets and gizmos. My skills and talents are still mediocre at best. Even my job is low on the value scale. Most everyone seems smarter, more talented, more graceful, more skilled, and better than me. I often feel like a failure in the parenting category. I live my life feeling not good enough.

Even when I do recognize this negative thought, capturing it and releasing it are not so easy things to do. It's so much easier to swallow the lies, sit down in my miserable and dirty pit and stay there. One thing I realized last night, while watching TBL, was that a part of me was afraid of success, of being good enough. That may sound strange and silly, but I think there is real truth in that statement. As much as I might deny it, I am frequently desperate for recognition and praise. I need to hear that I am appreciated. I need to know that I have done a good job. But, when I am put in that spotlight, I feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, almost ashamed, as if I am an impostor stealing the spotlight from the more deserving person. I feel like a fraud.

So much of me is a struggle between opposing factions. I want to be confident, but I am so self-conscious. I want to lose weight and get in shape, but I feel like success will never be within my reach. I make so many good plans, and then I set myself up for failure. I want to be the one who has her act all together, and then I realize how much of a fraud I am because I don't.

Coincidentally, I saw the following quote on Facebook yesterday:

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting." ee cummings

That's quite a lot to think about...and all from watching The Biggest Loser!

BIG News!

BIG. The blogging theme for April is BIG. There are a lot of ways to talk about 'big'...expectations, ideas, plans, fears, the movie, my kids growing, mountains. You get the idea.

Sam came home from tennis practice yesterday with the big news that he had made his high school tennis team!

He has been looking forward to making this team since he started playing tennis about a year ago. Last fall, it appeared as if Sam would be a shoe-in for the team, as there were not too many boys coming out to the recreational fall tennis games. Try-outs started last week, and we were surprised to see a lot of boys striving for one of the seven spots on the team! Suddenly a shoe-in no longer seemed likely, and we had to consider that Sam might not even make the team at all.

Either way, I think the experience would have been good for Sam. He has never truly had to earn a spot on any competitive team before, so not making the cut would have been a great learning experience. It might have even prodded his 'drive' into over-drive! Sam is a good athlete, but I believe that he could be a great athlete-if he wanted it enough.

Sam is competitive. He wants to win and be the best. The problem is that he doesn't necessarily push himself to be the best. He has natural grace, balance, dexterity, and fluidity to his movements, and he excels at nearly every sport he tries. But he often coasts through.

Making the tennis team might be a good thing for him, too. Most of the kids on the team are quite good, definitely better than Sam but capable of being beaten. Undoubtedly they will play a lot of very good athletes over the course of the short season. There will be regionals and provincial tournaments. Sam is going to be up against a level of competition he really hasn't faced in his brief tennis career. He can either get utterly crushed or he can grow stronger through the effort. It's up to him.

So, I am a happy mama! Sam will have tennis to keep him busy for the next couple of months. Casey and Abby will have baseball. There will be no rest for the weary, at least until summer, and my crazy life will only be crazier. I wouldn't have it any other way!

Up and Down

Depression is a strange monster.

Up. Down. Inward. Outward. Hot and cold. Happy. Content. Angry. Volatile. Energized. Utterly drained. Tired. A list of things to do...undone.

Such is life!

I picked up a refill of my prescription this afternoon. I have been taking this drug for three months. The fact that I have only forgotten to take it twice in all that time is rather amazing; I tend to forget to take any sort of pill on a daily basis, prescribed or something as innocuous as a vitamin. Taking medication on a regular basis isn't something that I like to do, but I dislike my headaches more. So I take my little blue pill every night, except for those two nights that I forgot.

The headaches have been more common over the past couple of weeks. I wonder if a body can become acclimatized to this medication, diminishing its' effectiveness, or whether there are other factors at play. Regardless, headaches suck. Headaches that are more static and fuzz than pain are utterly detestable, because that type of headache wears on you like a steady drip of water on stone.

My weeks tend to be broken into two distinct parts. The energized and productive days tend to run from Monday to late Wednesday or Thursday. The rest of the days are lethargic and dreary. My thinking leads me to believe that this vicious cycle is a result of the depression. My great days tend to occur at the beginning of my days off work, so I have plenty to 'get done' and lots of enthusiasm for doing it. The trouble is that I can only run full tilt for a short while before I crash and burn or just run out of gas and gumption.

I hate cramming everything into my days off work, but I feel like there isn't much choice available to me. My afternoons and evenings are not always my own, so my running around, my chores need to be done early in the day, while the kids are at school. There is laundry to wash, groceries to buy, meals to plan and prepare, errands to run, housework to take care of, and somehow I have to fit in time for exercising, relaxing, and doing the fun things, the hobbies I like to do. There just doesn't seem to be enough time, so I cram and work like a mad woman while the energy is high.

And on it goes...

Running Ragged

After two days of productivity and activity, I stumbled out of bed this morning, resentfully cursing my alarm clock. That was at 7:00 am. It is now 1:12 pm, and I still feel sluggish and tired.

It isn't surprising, in all honesty. Over the past two days I have: baked muffins and power bars; washed, dried and folded a mountain of laundry, made a trip to the library, bought produce and groceries, did a major clean-up of the van's interior, including vacuuming; finished a puzzle; read a book; watched a borrowed DVD; walked up a hill twice and also went for another easier walk; groaned my way through a 25 minute bosu ab/back routine; washed dishes; did general tidying and picking up; wrote out invitations and mailed them; paid bills; did numerous crunches and weight exercises; filled the van's windshield wash tank and gas tank; caught up on work information; made suppers; arranged for the giving away of a large stack of books. No wonder I am so exhausted today!

The problem with feeling so drained is that I inevitably waver between feelings of guilt and justification. I feel guilty for not doing more, because there is always something yet to be done and I tend to feel guilty whenever I focus on myself. Yet, I feel justified in taking a day for doing so little, because I do a lot already and I need to put a little focus on myself once in a while. This is a cycle that I am aware of, especially in light of the depression. It is so easy to run myself ragged while I am feeling great and energetic...and then there is the crash and burn. The challenge is to take advantage of the good feelings and minimize the damage when the crash happens. There is a happy balance to be found.





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The Story of a Girl Who Went Up a Hill and Came Back Down

I would say that today was a successful day. For a Monday and that says quite a lot! I was feeling a little down yesterday, dreading today and the week ahead of me. Yesterday was the last day of Spring Break and the last day of eight days off work. Those days off felt so nice, even if I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I had hoped, and so the prospect of returning to the same old crap, particularly at work, just was not something to look forward to.

However, the work day was rather benign. Oh, there was a teeny bit of pettiness from a co-worker, but even that episode was minor compared to what takes place most days. I was pleasantly surprised that my arrival at work did not result in an immediate assault on my ears. There is usually at least one co-worker eager to grumble in my ear the moment I walk in the door. I don't like going to work when the natives are restless. At any rate, the day was relatively uneventful. A little slow but a decent enough day.

I did feel a headache coming on shortly after I arrived at work. It was a slow starter, not reaching full force until several hours later when I was back home. I wasn't overly surprised to have a headache, because I forgot to take my little pill last night before bed. The only other time I forgot to take my pill resulted in a nasty headache all of the next day! Thankfully, this headache is mostly gone now.

Arriving at home, I was glad to be find the house empty, even if the kitchen was a mess, because it meant that Kane was working! I do enjoy spending time with my husband, but having Kane home for nearly four months was becoming very old, very fast. I caught up on some email and Facebook, downed some caffeine and Ibuprofen, then went to work cleaning the kitchen. The kids came home from school, one by one, and there was a sense of contentment and happiness in the routine.

After supper, I knew I needed some exercise. I am pleased with my weight loss progress, but I still need to work at getting enough physical activity. I had considered doing a 'bosu death routine' and then thought I might save the torture for a walk up Summit Drive tomorrow (uphill!). Reality quickly set in, shattering my plans for walking anywhere tomorrow. I had laundry to do, groceries to buy, and a library to visit. So, I decided to walk up Summit tonight!

I had never done this before, but I have walked partially up Knox Mtn. twice over the past couple of weeks. Knox is much more difficult, at least for someone as out of shape as me, but, for some reason, Summit has always intimidated me. I can be so silly sometimes!

Sure, it wasn't easy, but it really wasn't nearly as difficult as I had feared. My legs might feel it in the morning, but it would be a good feeling. I think. The walk certainly didn't take very long. I was out the door, up and down, and back at home within 25 minutes! It is so conveniently close to home, which is nice if I want more bang for my walking minutes without the inconvenience of driving somewhere first. The view from the top is amazing; I need to take a camera next time!

And I feel great. I came home and did 80 crunches, which nearly did me in, but I keep doing them anyway.

To Do or Not To Do?

So I have the entire week off work, and all my 'plans' for the week seem to have been scattered in the wind. There was a mental list, but I never got around to putting that list down on paper. I should know better! As wonderfully good as my memory can be, it can also be pathetically holey when it comes to remembering the little details. I had lofty goals of doing major spring cleaning, more exercising, more organizing, more fun...

Instead, I managed to scrub the inside of my toilet, move a large bookcase, picked up a second-hand cabinet (which is now my scrapbook supply station), caught up on laundry, attended the Detroit Red Wings practice, read half of a book (it isn't very enjoyable), walked part of the way up Knox Mtn., and...that's about it, more or less.

I know those are accomplishments, but they don't feel like much of anything. Aside from the Knox Mtn. walk, I haven't really done any fitness this week. Laundry is something that must be done, or we're left wearing dirty clothes or going naked. The new scrapbook cabinet is exciting. The Red Wings practice was great. In one way or another, these things can be checked off on one of several mental 'to-do' lists-they just aren't the grandiose things I was hoping to accomplish.

Are my expectations out of whack? Or, am I just far less organized and motivated than I think I am? The week is half finished. Before I realize it, Monday will be here, along with work and school. I want to make the most of what remains of my freedom, but I have to wonder if I don't overwhelm myself. There are so many things that I want to do. I feel pulled in so many directions, and I am no comic strip super-hero with a stretchy body! Well, it might feel like I am literally pulled in multiple directions at once, but the truth is that my effectiveness diminishes the more stretched I allow myself to be. Multi-tasking has its' place and purposes, and I can be an effective multi-tasker. However, I don't believe we were designed to live our lives in a constant state of juggling. I can multi-task, but I cannot juggle!

Perhaps I need to give myself permission to succeed, to take small steps and reach each one before moving onto the next one. I have always been a list-maker, but I know that I am far more efficient with a visible list rather than just a mental one.

Step 1: Must make lists!
Step 2: Prioritize!
Step 3: Just do it!

Deceptively Delicious

I found a cookbook that makes me feel like a super spy! Actually, I came across Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld a while ago, while browsing the local bookstore, but the price was too steep and my quick perusal found little to inspire. The idea of making fruit and vegetable purees to hide in various recipes seemed like a lot of work for food that Sam, my pickiest eater, wouldn't touch.

Fast forward to the other day when Kane and I were at the library. I came across this same cookbook, took a slightly more leisurely look through the pages and decided to check it out. Maybe it's the fact that I am cooking more and relying less on pre-packaged items, but this time I felt like even Sam might eat some of the recipes. And if I can get him to eat even just a few items from this book, then I will have accomplished a minor miracle!

So excited was I about this cookbook that I went to the bookstore last night to purchase my own copy. The price was much more modest-only $14, compared to $30! I was so excited about trying out the recipes.

This morning I made chocolate chip cookies from the cookbook. They are just like any other chocolate chip cookie, except for the addition of chickpeas. And they taste great! I don't think the kids will know that there is something different. I wouldn't even know if I hadn't made them myself. Even then, I can't taste the chickpeas!

I have butternut squash baking and carrots steaming as I type. The second recipe I want to make is called Tortilla Cigars, but I'll just call them taquidos as that is what the kids will compare them to. I hope. If Sam will eat these, then I will be over the moon.

Strange Schedules

It's funny how one minor change can play games with your mind.

It's an absolutely beautiful day. It feels more like May 4th instead of March 4th. I had a decent day at work, followed by a somewhat tedious hour watching the wrap-up to the district Science Fair that Abby was in. When I finally got home and had opportunity to actually use the computer, I electronically asked a friend how he did on his final exams for a course he is taking. He got back to me with the "news" that his exams were tomorrow morning.

There are times when I am glad that I can communicate electronically without the benefit of visual contact, because this was one moment when I must have looked quite odd. I admit to being a little perplexed. I was certain that I had been told that the exams were on Friday. In fact, I had even gone back through old messages to be certain before I sent my query. When that information still didn't compute in my brain, I then wondered why he would have exams on a Saturday morning. Seemed rather odd to me...until my brain finally fired on all cylinders, and I realized that today was only Thursday!

You see, for the past several weeks, if not longer, my work week has seen me scheduled rather consistently for Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays. The scheduler thought she would mix things up a bit for me this week and had me work Monday, Thursday and Saturday. It truly was not a major change, although I do enjoy having three consecutive days off, but my brain obviously missed the memo.

It is Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday; a rare Friday off work for me! Hopefully the weather will be just as gorgeous tomorrow, so that I can get in a good walk, possibly a partial jog.

Strange Days

The Olympics are over, and I can get back to a normal routine. Or so I thought. Instead, this week is looking to be a strange and busy schmozzle. I don't know if 'schmozzle' is even a word, and I don't really care. I can make up a word if I want to, especially if it matches how I feel.

Today and tomorrow are my consecutive days off for the week, which really wouldn't be an issue under normal circumstances. Three days would be better, but I can typically get a lot accomplished in two days. It's just that these two days have large chunks of time gobbled up with extra-curricular parental duties, namely playing chauffeur and chaperon.

I left the house shortly after 8am this morning and did not return until nearly 2pm. That's almost like going to work! Half of my time was spent at Abby's basketball tournament. The other half was spent picking up photos for Abby's science fair project, buying produce, and taking Casey to the doctor ('cause he is sick once again!). So, I'm still doing laundry at 7:30pm instead of having it all finished by mid-afternoon. The only housework I got done was squirting toilet bowl cleaner and swishing with the scrub brush. I didn't make it to the library. My kitchen is still a mess.

Tomorrow is another crazy day. Abby won the privilege of attending a district science fair, which takes place tomorrow afternoon/evening and all day Thursday. I'm working Thursday, so I'll miss that part. But, I will need to pick her up from school at 2:30 and take her to the college. She will be at the college from 3pm to about 7:30pm and needing parental supervision for most of that time. So, anything I want or need to do or didn't get done today will need to be crammed into tomorrow morning.

I still need to go to the library. They don't open until 10am. I still have at least one, maybe two loads of laundry to do. I have to make supper (Italian wedding soup) before I pick up Abby. A walk would really be good, if I can fit it in. I have a bunch of scrap booking stuff to clean up/put away after it was dumped in order to use the spare table over the weekend. I'd like enough time just to actually do some scrap booking! Actually, I could make a long list of things that need to be done, but those are the things that get put on the back burner as there just isn't enough time in the day.

Then I work Thursday. Friday is a day off, but those single days off are always more about existing than living. Saturday is a full work day with an early start. I'm looking forward to it though. It is the last Saturday shift without a certain manager, which means that I am in charge. I'm not a power hungry maniac, but I am a harder and more efficient worker than this manager. She'll be back next week, and things will go back to being inefficient and mismanaged. Ah, but then I am taking a week off!

Guess I'll need to plan my week off, so that I can cross off some 'to-do items' and still get some 'me' time.

How Strange

It feels a little strange to come home from work today and not immediately turn on the television to see what was going on at the Olympics.

We watched The Vampire's Assistant last night. It was a better movie than I had thought it would be, but it had a strange kind of feel to it. I can't quite put my finger on why. John C. Reilly's character was an odd sort of vampire, at least as far as most vampires go. Parts of the movie were quite campy, while other parts tried to be serious. I liked it enough to desire the proposed sequels, but I wouldn't pay to see it at the theatre.

Our weather has certainly been strange. Winter is just about over, yet it feels like we're still waiting for it to begin! I am hoping that our mild winter will not bring us an icy and bitter spring, and it sure would be nice to have a nice, moderately hot summer extending well into the fall.

It feels incredibly strange to realize that I am slightly more than a year away from having a high school graduate for a child! My baby will enter middle school in the fall. Surely I am not old enough to be mother to these children?!

At first glance, some of the themes for NaBloPoMo seem a little strange, but I always find myself savoring the theme in my head, twisting and turning it, flirting with ideas. The challenge is to take those thoughts and put them down. March's theme is STRANGE(R). Hmmm....