Looking Up, Not So Much

I am still waiting for the nice weather to make a semi-permanent appearance. Of course we have baseball and tennis tonight, which means the skies are dismally grey and rain is more likely than not. The wind is rather chilly, too. How excited am I to sit out in this weather for another ballgame? Not at all.

Like the weather, I am in a bit of a funk. My left wrist has been bothering me for a week or so. The pain isn't as much of a factor now as it was last week, but there is still just enough pain to keep my wrist from fading into the background of my mind. My wrist feels like there is something vibrating just beneath the skin on the palm side. I have been wearing my splint at night since this episode began. I joked with Abby last week that I couldn't do a push-up if my life depended on it. Well, I said, I could probably do ONE push-up, but it would most likely kill me! Ha ha ha.

Last week I went in for the yearly female exam at the doctor's office, which is never an overly pleasant experience, but this exam didn't go quite as smoothly as expected. There is a good likelihood that I will need to come back and do it all over again. Lovely! I may possibly have a fibroid. If I do indeed need to repeat the swab, then I will likely also be sent for an ultra-sound to confirm the fibroid. I'm not too sure how I feel about that possibility...the fibroid, not the ultra-sound. It's nothing to get excited about, I know, but it feels like just one more thing at a time when I don't have enough room on my plate for anything else. A fibroid could possibly explain some minor issues I've been noticing though...

And then I am just feeling a little low, under-appreciated and taken for granted. Throw everything into one pot, give it a couple stirs, and you wind up with the wreck that is me. It's hard to take time for yourself, when everyone depends on you for even the most basic of needs. It appears that I am the only person qualified to do laundry, make supper, fix computer issues, keep everyone organized, and motivate everyone to do their chores. It must be nice to let someone else take care of everything for you.

Every single day, I go into the bathroom and find pieces of toilet paper on the floor beside the garbage can! On the floor! Is it really too much to ask that everyone ensures that their used garbage ends up in the garbage?! That is my pet peeve of the day. I could write a novel...

Blah!

All I have to say is........................................

LOOK UP

If I tell myself that I will blog every day this month would I actually succeed? My good intentions do not always transition into accomplishments, but this is the first day of a new month. The slate is wiped clean, and I am free to try again. NaBloPoMo's theme for May is LOOK UP.

For today, it is enough to say that the weather caused many of us to LOOK UP several times through-out the day. We had three baseball games today, so we were outdoors from about 10:30am until 5:00pm. The weather was a mixed bag of showers and sunshine, showers and sunshine. The wind was not a major player today, for which I am thankful, as last night's wind was brutally fierce and biting cold. When the sun shone today, the warmth was actually quite nice. And then the clouds would swoop in, dark and ominous, and the rain would quickly send us diving beneath our umbrellas. The weather wasn't too bad, because we have definitely played in worse; however, I am more than ready for the sun to make an extended appearance!

Iris

The front yard is looking more luscious and beautiful by the day. The first iris bloomed just a couple of days ago, and the tulips are ever so close to blooming. Most every plant that I transplanted last fall is now growing; it's been exciting to watch. A co-worker blessed me with numerous plants that she was ripping out of her garden last fall, so I planted them in my newly renovated front yard, not really knowing what to expect. With my black thumbs, I wasn't even sure that these transplants would grow, and I admit that I still am basically holding my breath.

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The BIGGEST Loser

Okay, I admit it. I watch The Biggest Loser, although I have only begun to watch it this season. While I know that it is just another reality TV show, I love it. I cannot fully explain why I enjoy this show as much as I do. Perhaps it is all about timing and the fact that this season began at the same time that Kane and I started our weight-loss/lifestyle changes in January. Regardless of the reason, I find myself connecting with the participants on many levels. Last night's episode was a prime example of that.

Jillian, the trainer, was trying to get inside the head of one contestant to find out what was holding her back and why she got to where she was in the first place. Initially the contestant answered in a typical 'I don't know' fashion, but she eventually started to talk about never feeling good enough. She didn't feel like she was a good enough person, a good enough daughter, because she wasn't beautiful and slender. I may not be obese, but her sentiments echoed within me.

I have grown up, lived my life, believing that I am not now, or ever will be, good enough. On one level I can recognize that snare in my path, yet, in many ways, I can still be blind-sided by the truth of what fuels my actions and thoughts. It's not always very pretty.

In my school days, I never felt good enough. I was never a part of the 'in' crowd. I wore the wrong clothes. I didn't have the trendiest gadgets and gizmos. I didn't have the looks, and I didn't have enough skill or talent to thrive in the arts or sports. I was not good enough.

The adult world is really not all that different from the juvenile world. Only faces and places change. I still feel inadequate. I still don't have the looks or the right styles. I don't have the money or desire to collect all the trendiest gadgets and gizmos. My skills and talents are still mediocre at best. Even my job is low on the value scale. Most everyone seems smarter, more talented, more graceful, more skilled, and better than me. I often feel like a failure in the parenting category. I live my life feeling not good enough.

Even when I do recognize this negative thought, capturing it and releasing it are not so easy things to do. It's so much easier to swallow the lies, sit down in my miserable and dirty pit and stay there. One thing I realized last night, while watching TBL, was that a part of me was afraid of success, of being good enough. That may sound strange and silly, but I think there is real truth in that statement. As much as I might deny it, I am frequently desperate for recognition and praise. I need to hear that I am appreciated. I need to know that I have done a good job. But, when I am put in that spotlight, I feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, almost ashamed, as if I am an impostor stealing the spotlight from the more deserving person. I feel like a fraud.

So much of me is a struggle between opposing factions. I want to be confident, but I am so self-conscious. I want to lose weight and get in shape, but I feel like success will never be within my reach. I make so many good plans, and then I set myself up for failure. I want to be the one who has her act all together, and then I realize how much of a fraud I am because I don't.

Coincidentally, I saw the following quote on Facebook yesterday:

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting." ee cummings

That's quite a lot to think about...and all from watching The Biggest Loser!

BIG News!

BIG. The blogging theme for April is BIG. There are a lot of ways to talk about 'big'...expectations, ideas, plans, fears, the movie, my kids growing, mountains. You get the idea.

Sam came home from tennis practice yesterday with the big news that he had made his high school tennis team!

He has been looking forward to making this team since he started playing tennis about a year ago. Last fall, it appeared as if Sam would be a shoe-in for the team, as there were not too many boys coming out to the recreational fall tennis games. Try-outs started last week, and we were surprised to see a lot of boys striving for one of the seven spots on the team! Suddenly a shoe-in no longer seemed likely, and we had to consider that Sam might not even make the team at all.

Either way, I think the experience would have been good for Sam. He has never truly had to earn a spot on any competitive team before, so not making the cut would have been a great learning experience. It might have even prodded his 'drive' into over-drive! Sam is a good athlete, but I believe that he could be a great athlete-if he wanted it enough.

Sam is competitive. He wants to win and be the best. The problem is that he doesn't necessarily push himself to be the best. He has natural grace, balance, dexterity, and fluidity to his movements, and he excels at nearly every sport he tries. But he often coasts through.

Making the tennis team might be a good thing for him, too. Most of the kids on the team are quite good, definitely better than Sam but capable of being beaten. Undoubtedly they will play a lot of very good athletes over the course of the short season. There will be regionals and provincial tournaments. Sam is going to be up against a level of competition he really hasn't faced in his brief tennis career. He can either get utterly crushed or he can grow stronger through the effort. It's up to him.

So, I am a happy mama! Sam will have tennis to keep him busy for the next couple of months. Casey and Abby will have baseball. There will be no rest for the weary, at least until summer, and my crazy life will only be crazier. I wouldn't have it any other way!

Up and Down

Depression is a strange monster.

Up. Down. Inward. Outward. Hot and cold. Happy. Content. Angry. Volatile. Energized. Utterly drained. Tired. A list of things to do...undone.

Such is life!

I picked up a refill of my prescription this afternoon. I have been taking this drug for three months. The fact that I have only forgotten to take it twice in all that time is rather amazing; I tend to forget to take any sort of pill on a daily basis, prescribed or something as innocuous as a vitamin. Taking medication on a regular basis isn't something that I like to do, but I dislike my headaches more. So I take my little blue pill every night, except for those two nights that I forgot.

The headaches have been more common over the past couple of weeks. I wonder if a body can become acclimatized to this medication, diminishing its' effectiveness, or whether there are other factors at play. Regardless, headaches suck. Headaches that are more static and fuzz than pain are utterly detestable, because that type of headache wears on you like a steady drip of water on stone.

My weeks tend to be broken into two distinct parts. The energized and productive days tend to run from Monday to late Wednesday or Thursday. The rest of the days are lethargic and dreary. My thinking leads me to believe that this vicious cycle is a result of the depression. My great days tend to occur at the beginning of my days off work, so I have plenty to 'get done' and lots of enthusiasm for doing it. The trouble is that I can only run full tilt for a short while before I crash and burn or just run out of gas and gumption.

I hate cramming everything into my days off work, but I feel like there isn't much choice available to me. My afternoons and evenings are not always my own, so my running around, my chores need to be done early in the day, while the kids are at school. There is laundry to wash, groceries to buy, meals to plan and prepare, errands to run, housework to take care of, and somehow I have to fit in time for exercising, relaxing, and doing the fun things, the hobbies I like to do. There just doesn't seem to be enough time, so I cram and work like a mad woman while the energy is high.

And on it goes...

Running Ragged

After two days of productivity and activity, I stumbled out of bed this morning, resentfully cursing my alarm clock. That was at 7:00 am. It is now 1:12 pm, and I still feel sluggish and tired.

It isn't surprising, in all honesty. Over the past two days I have: baked muffins and power bars; washed, dried and folded a mountain of laundry, made a trip to the library, bought produce and groceries, did a major clean-up of the van's interior, including vacuuming; finished a puzzle; read a book; watched a borrowed DVD; walked up a hill twice and also went for another easier walk; groaned my way through a 25 minute bosu ab/back routine; washed dishes; did general tidying and picking up; wrote out invitations and mailed them; paid bills; did numerous crunches and weight exercises; filled the van's windshield wash tank and gas tank; caught up on work information; made suppers; arranged for the giving away of a large stack of books. No wonder I am so exhausted today!

The problem with feeling so drained is that I inevitably waver between feelings of guilt and justification. I feel guilty for not doing more, because there is always something yet to be done and I tend to feel guilty whenever I focus on myself. Yet, I feel justified in taking a day for doing so little, because I do a lot already and I need to put a little focus on myself once in a while. This is a cycle that I am aware of, especially in light of the depression. It is so easy to run myself ragged while I am feeling great and energetic...and then there is the crash and burn. The challenge is to take advantage of the good feelings and minimize the damage when the crash happens. There is a happy balance to be found.





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The Story of a Girl Who Went Up a Hill and Came Back Down

I would say that today was a successful day. For a Monday and that says quite a lot! I was feeling a little down yesterday, dreading today and the week ahead of me. Yesterday was the last day of Spring Break and the last day of eight days off work. Those days off felt so nice, even if I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I had hoped, and so the prospect of returning to the same old crap, particularly at work, just was not something to look forward to.

However, the work day was rather benign. Oh, there was a teeny bit of pettiness from a co-worker, but even that episode was minor compared to what takes place most days. I was pleasantly surprised that my arrival at work did not result in an immediate assault on my ears. There is usually at least one co-worker eager to grumble in my ear the moment I walk in the door. I don't like going to work when the natives are restless. At any rate, the day was relatively uneventful. A little slow but a decent enough day.

I did feel a headache coming on shortly after I arrived at work. It was a slow starter, not reaching full force until several hours later when I was back home. I wasn't overly surprised to have a headache, because I forgot to take my little pill last night before bed. The only other time I forgot to take my pill resulted in a nasty headache all of the next day! Thankfully, this headache is mostly gone now.

Arriving at home, I was glad to be find the house empty, even if the kitchen was a mess, because it meant that Kane was working! I do enjoy spending time with my husband, but having Kane home for nearly four months was becoming very old, very fast. I caught up on some email and Facebook, downed some caffeine and Ibuprofen, then went to work cleaning the kitchen. The kids came home from school, one by one, and there was a sense of contentment and happiness in the routine.

After supper, I knew I needed some exercise. I am pleased with my weight loss progress, but I still need to work at getting enough physical activity. I had considered doing a 'bosu death routine' and then thought I might save the torture for a walk up Summit Drive tomorrow (uphill!). Reality quickly set in, shattering my plans for walking anywhere tomorrow. I had laundry to do, groceries to buy, and a library to visit. So, I decided to walk up Summit tonight!

I had never done this before, but I have walked partially up Knox Mtn. twice over the past couple of weeks. Knox is much more difficult, at least for someone as out of shape as me, but, for some reason, Summit has always intimidated me. I can be so silly sometimes!

Sure, it wasn't easy, but it really wasn't nearly as difficult as I had feared. My legs might feel it in the morning, but it would be a good feeling. I think. The walk certainly didn't take very long. I was out the door, up and down, and back at home within 25 minutes! It is so conveniently close to home, which is nice if I want more bang for my walking minutes without the inconvenience of driving somewhere first. The view from the top is amazing; I need to take a camera next time!

And I feel great. I came home and did 80 crunches, which nearly did me in, but I keep doing them anyway.

To Do or Not To Do?

So I have the entire week off work, and all my 'plans' for the week seem to have been scattered in the wind. There was a mental list, but I never got around to putting that list down on paper. I should know better! As wonderfully good as my memory can be, it can also be pathetically holey when it comes to remembering the little details. I had lofty goals of doing major spring cleaning, more exercising, more organizing, more fun...

Instead, I managed to scrub the inside of my toilet, move a large bookcase, picked up a second-hand cabinet (which is now my scrapbook supply station), caught up on laundry, attended the Detroit Red Wings practice, read half of a book (it isn't very enjoyable), walked part of the way up Knox Mtn., and...that's about it, more or less.

I know those are accomplishments, but they don't feel like much of anything. Aside from the Knox Mtn. walk, I haven't really done any fitness this week. Laundry is something that must be done, or we're left wearing dirty clothes or going naked. The new scrapbook cabinet is exciting. The Red Wings practice was great. In one way or another, these things can be checked off on one of several mental 'to-do' lists-they just aren't the grandiose things I was hoping to accomplish.

Are my expectations out of whack? Or, am I just far less organized and motivated than I think I am? The week is half finished. Before I realize it, Monday will be here, along with work and school. I want to make the most of what remains of my freedom, but I have to wonder if I don't overwhelm myself. There are so many things that I want to do. I feel pulled in so many directions, and I am no comic strip super-hero with a stretchy body! Well, it might feel like I am literally pulled in multiple directions at once, but the truth is that my effectiveness diminishes the more stretched I allow myself to be. Multi-tasking has its' place and purposes, and I can be an effective multi-tasker. However, I don't believe we were designed to live our lives in a constant state of juggling. I can multi-task, but I cannot juggle!

Perhaps I need to give myself permission to succeed, to take small steps and reach each one before moving onto the next one. I have always been a list-maker, but I know that I am far more efficient with a visible list rather than just a mental one.

Step 1: Must make lists!
Step 2: Prioritize!
Step 3: Just do it!

Deceptively Delicious

I found a cookbook that makes me feel like a super spy! Actually, I came across Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld a while ago, while browsing the local bookstore, but the price was too steep and my quick perusal found little to inspire. The idea of making fruit and vegetable purees to hide in various recipes seemed like a lot of work for food that Sam, my pickiest eater, wouldn't touch.

Fast forward to the other day when Kane and I were at the library. I came across this same cookbook, took a slightly more leisurely look through the pages and decided to check it out. Maybe it's the fact that I am cooking more and relying less on pre-packaged items, but this time I felt like even Sam might eat some of the recipes. And if I can get him to eat even just a few items from this book, then I will have accomplished a minor miracle!

So excited was I about this cookbook that I went to the bookstore last night to purchase my own copy. The price was much more modest-only $14, compared to $30! I was so excited about trying out the recipes.

This morning I made chocolate chip cookies from the cookbook. They are just like any other chocolate chip cookie, except for the addition of chickpeas. And they taste great! I don't think the kids will know that there is something different. I wouldn't even know if I hadn't made them myself. Even then, I can't taste the chickpeas!

I have butternut squash baking and carrots steaming as I type. The second recipe I want to make is called Tortilla Cigars, but I'll just call them taquidos as that is what the kids will compare them to. I hope. If Sam will eat these, then I will be over the moon.

Strange Schedules

It's funny how one minor change can play games with your mind.

It's an absolutely beautiful day. It feels more like May 4th instead of March 4th. I had a decent day at work, followed by a somewhat tedious hour watching the wrap-up to the district Science Fair that Abby was in. When I finally got home and had opportunity to actually use the computer, I electronically asked a friend how he did on his final exams for a course he is taking. He got back to me with the "news" that his exams were tomorrow morning.

There are times when I am glad that I can communicate electronically without the benefit of visual contact, because this was one moment when I must have looked quite odd. I admit to being a little perplexed. I was certain that I had been told that the exams were on Friday. In fact, I had even gone back through old messages to be certain before I sent my query. When that information still didn't compute in my brain, I then wondered why he would have exams on a Saturday morning. Seemed rather odd to me...until my brain finally fired on all cylinders, and I realized that today was only Thursday!

You see, for the past several weeks, if not longer, my work week has seen me scheduled rather consistently for Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays. The scheduler thought she would mix things up a bit for me this week and had me work Monday, Thursday and Saturday. It truly was not a major change, although I do enjoy having three consecutive days off, but my brain obviously missed the memo.

It is Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday; a rare Friday off work for me! Hopefully the weather will be just as gorgeous tomorrow, so that I can get in a good walk, possibly a partial jog.

Strange Days

The Olympics are over, and I can get back to a normal routine. Or so I thought. Instead, this week is looking to be a strange and busy schmozzle. I don't know if 'schmozzle' is even a word, and I don't really care. I can make up a word if I want to, especially if it matches how I feel.

Today and tomorrow are my consecutive days off for the week, which really wouldn't be an issue under normal circumstances. Three days would be better, but I can typically get a lot accomplished in two days. It's just that these two days have large chunks of time gobbled up with extra-curricular parental duties, namely playing chauffeur and chaperon.

I left the house shortly after 8am this morning and did not return until nearly 2pm. That's almost like going to work! Half of my time was spent at Abby's basketball tournament. The other half was spent picking up photos for Abby's science fair project, buying produce, and taking Casey to the doctor ('cause he is sick once again!). So, I'm still doing laundry at 7:30pm instead of having it all finished by mid-afternoon. The only housework I got done was squirting toilet bowl cleaner and swishing with the scrub brush. I didn't make it to the library. My kitchen is still a mess.

Tomorrow is another crazy day. Abby won the privilege of attending a district science fair, which takes place tomorrow afternoon/evening and all day Thursday. I'm working Thursday, so I'll miss that part. But, I will need to pick her up from school at 2:30 and take her to the college. She will be at the college from 3pm to about 7:30pm and needing parental supervision for most of that time. So, anything I want or need to do or didn't get done today will need to be crammed into tomorrow morning.

I still need to go to the library. They don't open until 10am. I still have at least one, maybe two loads of laundry to do. I have to make supper (Italian wedding soup) before I pick up Abby. A walk would really be good, if I can fit it in. I have a bunch of scrap booking stuff to clean up/put away after it was dumped in order to use the spare table over the weekend. I'd like enough time just to actually do some scrap booking! Actually, I could make a long list of things that need to be done, but those are the things that get put on the back burner as there just isn't enough time in the day.

Then I work Thursday. Friday is a day off, but those single days off are always more about existing than living. Saturday is a full work day with an early start. I'm looking forward to it though. It is the last Saturday shift without a certain manager, which means that I am in charge. I'm not a power hungry maniac, but I am a harder and more efficient worker than this manager. She'll be back next week, and things will go back to being inefficient and mismanaged. Ah, but then I am taking a week off!

Guess I'll need to plan my week off, so that I can cross off some 'to-do items' and still get some 'me' time.

How Strange

It feels a little strange to come home from work today and not immediately turn on the television to see what was going on at the Olympics.

We watched The Vampire's Assistant last night. It was a better movie than I had thought it would be, but it had a strange kind of feel to it. I can't quite put my finger on why. John C. Reilly's character was an odd sort of vampire, at least as far as most vampires go. Parts of the movie were quite campy, while other parts tried to be serious. I liked it enough to desire the proposed sequels, but I wouldn't pay to see it at the theatre.

Our weather has certainly been strange. Winter is just about over, yet it feels like we're still waiting for it to begin! I am hoping that our mild winter will not bring us an icy and bitter spring, and it sure would be nice to have a nice, moderately hot summer extending well into the fall.

It feels incredibly strange to realize that I am slightly more than a year away from having a high school graduate for a child! My baby will enter middle school in the fall. Surely I am not old enough to be mother to these children?!

At first glance, some of the themes for NaBloPoMo seem a little strange, but I always find myself savoring the theme in my head, twisting and turning it, flirting with ideas. The challenge is to take those thoughts and put them down. March's theme is STRANGE(R). Hmmm....

Olympic Fever

I love the Olympics. I love the feeling of Canadian pride as one of our athletes performs to his/her best, whether a medal is won or not. I enjoy watching the Olympics through the eyes of Canadian broadcasters and the stories they tell about the athletes, our own and other nation's. My voice cracks with emotion if I try to recount one of those heart-warming stories or sing our anthem during a medal ceremony. I grimace with every fall and applaud that little bit of extra effort. As sappy as the television commercials have been in the months leading up to these Vancouver Olympics, I do believe!

In my opinion, our Own the Podium program has been a success, although my definition of success might be different than that of the program creators. I do not believe that the goal of being the number one medal-winning country was ever realistic or achievable. It just is not! Our national population is less than the population of California! How could we ever compete in a numbers game against the Americans? Rather, I believe the Own the Podium program has been successful because of the awesome performances by our athletes, medal-winners and non-medal-winners alike. We currently have 7 gold medals, with another three to be determined in the next day or two. Never before has a Canadian athlete won gold on Canadian soil at the Olympics! We have 7. SEVEN! Does it really matter if we are third or four in the medal standings? I don't think so. Maybe if we were in the middle or near the bottom, but a top 4 or 5 finish is nothing to be ashamed of. How many athletes have narrowly missed stepping onto that podium? How many athletes have achieved personal bests at these Games? How many athletes have overcome the odds to even be there?

In my opinion, these Games have been a success on so many levels. I was awed by the opening ceremonies. I've been glued to my television as much as possible, quick to cheer on our athletes, celebrating victories, and simply proud to be Canadian. It's almost a little sad to think of how quickly the Games are coming to an end. The Winter Olympics are definitely my favourite, and four years feels like a long time! But, I am eager to see what Russia will do for the Sochi Olympics in 2014.

All good things come to an end eventually. Sunday will bring the men's ice hockey gold medal game (hopefully with Canada playing) and the closing ceremonies. We can pat ourselves on the back, proud of what we British Columbians have put on for the world. And then, we can get back to routine and normalcy. As much as I've been loving the Olympics, I've also been missing the regular flow of life that is not arranged around the television.

Board Shorts Blues No More

Two, maybe three, years ago, I bought a pair of board shorts that fit me, more or less. After a lengthy and fruitless search, I finally found one pair that I could get over my hips and do up, even if bending over ultimately popped the snap. Maybe I should not have bought them, but I did and they have sat in a drawer unused ever since.

Last night, on a whim, I decided to try them on, to see if my loss of 13 pounds and nearly 3 inches off my waist had made any impact on the fit of these shorts. I put them on, zipped the zipper and snapped the snap. Ha ha! I didn't need to suck in my gut to do them up. I sat down on the edge of the bed. The snap held. I stood up and bent over. The snap still held. What do you know!

Head Games

A headache started late yesterday afternoon and progressed through the night. I did not sleep well, which I think can be blamed on the headache that raged on through the night and followed me into morning. I hate going to bed with a headache only to wake up with the same headache! And even though some Ibuprofen dulled the pain today, I could still feel that headache lurking just beneath the surface. In fact, as I type this at 9:00pm, I can feel the headache once again gaining strength. Headaches suck!

I have lived with headaches enough over the past 2.5 years to have come up with different descriptions or classifications for my headaches. They are not all the same.

The nearly constant headaches feel more like static or fuzziness than pain. These headaches are the type that wear you down and exhaust you. I learned to live with them, even if I hated them and found their constant presence disruptive and frustrating. They are like white noise, because most of the time you can almost forget that they are even there...except not really. This type of headache is the most dangerous, at least for me. Like the steady drip of water on stone, these headaches will eventually wear you down to nothing.

The headache I am facing right now is not that headache. No. This headache is more potent in strength, more quick to debilitate. It's the kind of headache that builds up steam and strength until the pain is so strong that the slightest movement of the head sends painful pulses through the brain. The whole head hurts, but the pain is greatest directly behind the ears and around the base of the skull, as if an angry giant has grabbed hold of me by the scruff of my neck. It's strong enough at times to make me feel almost nauseous. Sometimes Ibuprofen will take off the edge for a little while; other times the drug will be enough to send that giant far, far away.

The low-dose anti-depressant my doctor has me one was prescribed to help with my headaches, and it has worked quite well, for the most part. The static headaches have virtually disappeared, since I began taking the little pill mid-December. Hey! That's good news! There is something wonderful about being able to think clearly day after day. I can count on one hand the number of headaches I have had since I started taking this drug, which is an amazing feat by my standards. When you have lived with one continuous headache for months and months on end, having only two or three headaches in a two month span is quite a miracle!

I guess I can't complain about this particular headache too much considering that I have been doing so well recently. It's just that sleep is so precious, which is supposed to be another positive effect of my drug-the little extra help in the sleep department. But I did not sleep well last night. With the headache once again gaining strength as bedtime draws near, I cannot help but worry that another night of restless, unproductive sleep is what awaits me.

Little Voice

I am sitting here, moved nearly to tears, humbled and awed and feebly trying to fit the pieces together. Several minutes ago, I sat to write in my journal and came up empty-nothing to write, so I grabbed my Bible. My Bible is tucked into a basket close at hand, yet so seldom have I cracked its' pages these past few years. I wasn't sure what to read, but I suddenly found my way to Elijah's story in 1 Kings, seeking to glean some insight into his bout of depression.


It was necessary to start with the challenge at Mount Carmel, the "mountain-top experience", before reading of his "desert or valley experience", when he feared for his life. That was the story I looked for-the depression and despair, because that is the place I am at, or have been for so long. However, as I read, there was so much more to the story than I remembered, and this was what reached inside my soul and touched me.

1 Kings 19:11-15 (NKJV)

"Then He said, 'Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.' And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rock in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind, and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.
So it was, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. Suddenly a voice came to him, and said, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'
And he said, 'I have been very zealous for the LORD God of hosts; because the children of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they seek to take my life.'
Then the LORD said to him, 'Go, return on your way to the Wilderness of Damascus, and when you arrive, anoint Hazael as king over Syria.'"

Now I don't pretend to have achieved any special "mountain-top" victories in my life, but I have certainly felt like the depressed Elijah. No one may truly seek to take my life, but I have certainly felt as if my 'enemies' seek my pain and suffering. The years of thinly disguised hate from certain in-laws, the bitter demise of one of my closest friendships, the loneliness and disappointment at our previous church-all these things have made me feel rather like Elijah when he runs away, then cries out to God in despair. That's me! I have felt so alone, dry and dusty, and threatened, that I have, in essence, run away to a secret refuge.


Although it may at times be difficult to recognize God's tender ministrations towards me, I do not doubt that He has indeed been with me all along. But the part of the story that touched me anew today was God's response to Elijah's lament. Through the wind, the earthquake, and fire, though awesome and powerful, God was not there. Instead, God was in a still small voice! My God can certainly be found within the mighty and the spectacular, but sometimes, maybe more often than not, God is experienced in a still small voice.


In the hustle and bustle of life, it is oh so easy to look for the next big flashy thing. We believe that anything of value must come with happy feelings and awesome special effects. We forget. I forget that wisdom and hope are easily drowned out.


But there is more! God wasn't yet finished with Elijah; He just sent him in a different direction. And with that knowledge comes hope and an inkling of joy that there is still more for me. God isn't finished with me yet!

BFF

I had lunch with a friend today, and it was good. We ate and talked, laughed and shared those sympathetic, bittersweet kind of smiles that are sometimes the only response when faced with less than ideal situations. The time flew by and soon was over, and my friend returned to his job. I came back home to Olympics, a dental appointment, supper preparations, and Mom's taxi service. It's always good to get together with a friend; it just does not always happen nearly often enough!


I love my friends deeply. I appreciate what they bring to our relationship and hope that what I have to offer is of equal value. I hope that I am a good friend. Sometimes I don't feel like much of a friend. Sometimes I just feel rather alone. Life is busy, sometimes down right crazy! I miss what once was, but I also know that sometimes you cannot go back to the past.


Once upon a time, there were five women who shared two common bonds: a relationship with God and being a mother. We already knew each other at varying levels of friendship, but we chose to forge a group together, a place for honesty, love, encouragement, and support. We met regularly and, from a tentative start, we grew together, tightly-knit. We added one to our number and felt the loss of one when she moved away. We added another, but by this time our precious group was already being stretched in ways that we couldn't fully comprehend. As the years went by, each of our lives became busier, and finding an all-inclusive time and place to meet began to be a seemingly impossible task. Still we plodded along as best we could. One woman experienced an unthinkable betrayal, and the rest of the group rallied around our hurting friend. We loved, encouraged, and supported all the ways we knew how. Unfortunately, this one friend changed into someone that we no longer recognized.


There is so much that could be said about what went wrong, but there is no point to dragging all that muck to the surface. It would only serve to rub grit into my open wounds and cloud reasoning.


Ultimately, our little group succumbed, although I would not yet declare it officially dead! Those of us that remain do still get together, although so seldom as that is what our schedules seem to allow. The rest of us celebrate birthdays and special moments. The rest of us maintain a connection despite our infrequency in coming together.


I cannot blame this one woman, this former friend, for breaking our group apart. Well, I could, but it wouldn't be fair or justified. As I said earlier, we're all busy people with busy families. When you're busy some things just take a back seat. The problem, at least for me, is that it is far too easy to forget about that item in the back seat! In the rush and bustle of a busy day or week, I simply don't look at what is in the back seat. If something isn't written on my calendar, chances are good that it will be lost, forgotten. Ha! Even things that are on my calendar sometimes get "lost" until the last minute!


I miss my group of friends and the good thing we had going on. It was never perfect, but what is. This group filled a hole in my life when I most needed filling up. Out of this group grew two of my closest friendships...and even that has been affected. The one who hurt so deeply and in turn hurt us so deeply was one of those best friends, and I don't know that I will ever fully come to grips with that loss.


Which brings me back to the beginning of this post, more or less. I love my friends. I miss my friends when too much time has passed between catch-ups, because that's what seems to be the order of any given visit-quick catch-ups littered with holes, missing information that everyone is presumed to already have.

Depression Update

I had another appointment with my doctor today, more follow up on the depression diagnosis. Things are going well. The little pill seems to be doing its' job in terms of keeping my headaches mostly at bay and helping me to sleep. The doctor gave me another six month prescription, so I am well dosed for the rest of the year! Although this was the first time the doctor mentioned that I can take TWO pills at a time, if I'm not getting enough sleep or headache relief. Hmmm. I've been taking this little pill one per day since I was first diagnosed, and today was my third appointment since then...and he just mentioned this little tidbit now!? Oh well! I can file that away under 'Good to Know'.

Of course, the doctor also asked if I had pinpointed the cause of my depression, because it is important to recognize such things. When I said that I was fairly certain that my depression was directly related to relationships, he immediately asked if I was talking about Kane. Uh, no!

I can see why he would ask if my relationship problems were with my husband. I'm sure that for many people this would be an all too common problem, but that isn't my problem. Okay, I do get a little frustrated with my husband at times, especially with his being at home, under foot so often lately, but that is fluff. I can live with fluff! You get annoyed with it for a moment, and then you just brush it off and move on with life. Fluff is easy.

So, I clarified my comment by saying that it was more a result of issues with my brother-in-law and his wife and the end of my relationship with someone who I thought was my best friend forever. The doctor ignored, or let slide, the in-law side of the problem and instead asked why my friendship ended. I gave the briefest and matter-of-fact explanation to which he commented that it hurts, but it was her choice.

And it is true! I still don't really understand it. Even if I can understand the mechanics of what happened between us, I still struggle to comprehend emotionally how such a close friend could simply cut me out of her life, and I am bothered by the fact that there seems to be no regret or sense of loss on her part. Of course, I don't know what she thinks or how she feels anymore. I have no idea if she ever thinks about me, about us and all that has happened between us. I just assume that she doesn't, because she never responded to any of my attempts to reach her.

But she made the choice to push me away. She made the choice to cut me out of her life. I made a choice also. I chose not to be her doormat any longer, and so I chose to take a step back, to remove myself from the war zone, to rest for a time in a neutral zone. I just didn't expect that the neutral zone would be transformed into the wasteland. I felt like someone who had been banished from the kingdom; I still do.

I can recognize those sources of stress in my life, but there is a limit to what I am actually able to do to resolve those issues. That's the thing about relationship problems-it takes two to tango! I can only do what I can do.

The only other possible root for my depression was the nearly constant headaches and frequent back pain stemming from being rear-ended more than two years ago. Thankfully the pill helps with the headaches, which in itself is a life-saver! The back pain still comes and goes depending on what I am doing, but I would have to say that the occurrences are less frequent now that I have been getting more active.

So, I don't need to go back to the doctor about the depression unless I feel a need. He did caution me to be aware of how I am feeling next fall, in case part of my depression is seasonal. If it is, then we can look at all the options available for treating SAD at that time.

Ties

(NaBloPoMo's theme for February is TIES, which could be taken in a multitude of ways. Since I have already missed the first two days of the month, it is rather obvious that I won't be posting every day of the month. That's okay, I guess. )

My snarky attitude has prevailed over the past couple of weeks. I hate feeling that way, but I am at least starting to recognize how my depression ties things together. Recognition is only half the battle though. I still need to overcome it, and that is not always such a simple task. Sometimes, there is a fleeting feeling of pleasure in being irritable and, like an addiction, I am constantly pulled toward that guilty pleasure. Then, I am swamped with feelings of guilt and shame, which only make me feel worse and seeking avoidance. It's a vicious cycle, really, and my Bounce Back workbooks illustrate this through every page. But, if I remember the wisdom within those pages, then I am able to start making strides towards positive thinking which will lead to positive actions.

The problem is that I often lack patience and want things to happen all at once. Depression can't be fixed that way. What I can do is celebrate each little step that brings me success, focus on those things, and give myself the grace required to move past my failures. Perhaps the biggest thing of all to remember is that there is no size requirement for success!

And so, here are some recent successes, big and small:

1. I am oh so close to having lost 10 pounds since January 10th.
2. I have lost a total of 4.5 inches between my chest, waist and hips since January 10th.
3. I had this week's dinner meals planned by last Saturday.
4. I went for a 35 minute, fast paced walk yesterday, and a 40 minute, fast paced walk today.
5. I have been doing some yoga and weight exercises on a nearly daily basis since January 10th.
6. I have started reading books again! It had been a couple of months since reading held any interest to me (depression symptom), but I have read 4.5 books in a week.
7. I haven't had potato chips or a chocolate bar or ice cream or a real dessert since January 10th.
8. I mailed an actual letter to a friend last week (another lost interest).
9. I am eating vegetables and fruit every day, and often multiple servings.

I was grouchy yesterday. I admit it.

There seems to be several factors which tend to influence my mood for the day. I am beginning to recognize those fire-starters, but I haven't necessarily learned how to snuff them all out before they are fanned into flames.

1. I did not sleep well the night before. I had just started to drift off to sleep, when Kane came to bed and woke me up. It was unintentional, but it is frustrating just the same. With Kane's sleep clinic rules, I have been going to bed before Kane, so that I can fall asleep before he comes to bed. At times that feels like flawed logic, but it is the pattern that developed over Christmas break when Kane started the rules and I was working several consecutive early mornings. In general, I am a deep sleeper, but the beginnings of sleep are rather delicate for me. I need darkness. I need quiet. Kane tends to fall asleep more quickly than I do, and he snores. So not a good combination if we go to bed at the same time!

With Kane's rule to stay up until late, I have been going to bed much earlier than my night-owl body would like. It had been working fairly well, that is until Kane began coming to bed much earlier than he should be. It's bad enough that I can hear him talking from the far opposite side of the house, through my closed bedroom door, but now I am pulled abruptly from the tentative early stages of sleep when Kane opens the bedroom door to come to bed. He tries to be quiet; it's just not quiet enough. And then I am wide awake. He falls asleep and the night noises begin.

It didn't help that I slept poorly Friday night, too.

2. I like order. I like rules and clearly defined borders and definitions. While I can enjoy fluidity and unscheduled events, I tend to lean heavily toward the the opposite. It is maddeningly frustrating to me to have a carefully constructed event turn into something chaotic and outside the scope of what was planned. Like Abby's birthday party yesterday.

The invitation said meet at the pool at 1pm and pick up at our place at 4pm. We ended up driving three invitees to the pool. One invitee didn't arrive at the pool until nearly 1:30. Another didn't show up at all. So much for RSVPing! Yet another invitee didn't attend the swim session and showed up at our house later. When the other girls asked where she was, she said that she had been at the mall. Okay then.

Kane gladly told several parents that they didn't need to pick their daughters up until 4:30 or even 5pm! I was not amused. I was even less amused when the last invitee finally left at 6pm!

This party wasn't my idea, and my input was not considered. I didn't want a party in the first place, and secondly, I didn't want one with 10 girls involved. My opinion didn't count. And that's frustrating, especially as the party was held on Sunday. It's just another day, but it is really the one day that I can relax with my family. I work Friday, Saturday and Monday virtually every week, so Sunday is the extent of my weekend. It's also our 'Family Night' day. So, no family night yesterday. No down time. No time to relax in my own space with my own family.

Kane might get all excited about people always socializing and getting together, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. But, I just can't be that kind of person all the time! I am the kind of person who needs space for herself apart from strangers and acquaintances. Sunday afternoon is kind of that time for me, and I get cranky when it is taken away.

3. I have very little patience or tolerance toward a certain in-law. It isn't the best, or correct, attitude to have, I know, but it is what it is right now. And when that particular in-law arrives when I am already cranky, then I quickly roll down that slippery slope of irritability. It's hard to feel any measure of grace toward someone who has been so arrogant and mean-spirited towards me. I know that grace isn't dependent upon a change in his attitude or behaviour, but I can only manage grace in small doses.

Feeling Out the Five Areas

I had just arrived home from a long, full day of work Saturday afternoon. My back was achy, my feet had been killing me for hours, I was exhausted, and all I really wanted to do was nothing. The sofa was calling my name. No sooner did I walk in the door than my husband told me that my friend had left me a message on Facebook, asking if I would like to go to a hockey game with her that evening. Kane then proceeded to tell me that he had already taken it upon himself to call my friend and let her know that I would most likely agree to going.

To be honest, I was not thrilled. In fact, I actually felt rather snarky and petulant. Angry thoughts swirled in my head, followed by internal grumbling and the strong impulse to stay home out of spite. I was not impressed that Kane had spoken for me. Did he not realize how tired and sore I am by the end of a Saturday shift?! After 8 hours on those hard floors, my feet are so sore that I can barely walk around my own house. But perhaps what bothered me the most was that Kane seemed to feel that I required his help or intervention in order to get together with a friend.

And I suppose that still rubs me the wrong way. I am a grown woman. I may be quiet and less outgoing, but I am capable of carrying on conversation with a friend or making decisions to go out with them. But I digress.

There I was feeling irritated with my husband for speaking for me without my consideration, sore and exhausted from the day, and feeling suddenly pressured to do something that had not been a part of my mental plans for the evening. I grabbed the phone and shut myself in the bedroom. I lay on my bed for several minutes, doing nothing but mentally arguing with myself and listening to the negative voices shouting to be heard. Eventually I called my friend, chatted briefly, and decided to go to the game. Decision made, I almost instantly felt lighter than I had just a few minutes earlier.

I had an enjoyable time at the hockey game with my friend. My feet didn't seem to hurt as much as they did when I got home from work. I was still really tired and had to stifle a few yawns during intermissions, but I am glad that I went. I talked about it with my friend-Kane's call and my feelings about that. It was good to talk to her about it; she's a good friend. Kane just wants me to be happy, which means that he wants me to be able to spend time with my friends. He didn't speak on my behalf out of anything but good intentions. And that is the 'light bulb' moment! It was the moment when I realized that I had captured a negative, harmful thought and dismissed it for what it was. I changed my thinking!

Okay, so it might not seem like such a big deal, but it is, really! The self-help depression program that I am working through, Bounce Back, focuses greatly on the '5 Areas Approach'. These areas are:

1. The current situation, relationship or practical problem.
2. Altered thinking.
3. Altered feelings/mood.
4. Altered physical symptoms/bodily sensations.
5. Altered behaviour and activity levels, including reduced activity, avoidance and helpful/unhelpful behaviours.

All of these numbers can have links between each other, and they very often have a cascading kind of effect, such as a negative situation that leads to negative thinking, which leads to bad feelings, actual physical symptoms, and then unhelpful behaviour. While I have recognized how true this vicious (or positive) circle can be, it wasn't until Saturday evening that I truly noticed just how true it is in my life.

I was tired and sore, and I came home to find that my husband had, in essence, pushed me to do something I hadn't anticipated doing. My first response was unhelpful thinking, which made me physically feel even more tired and sore and moody. What I wanted to do was to stay home, to avoid the activity that I felt pushed toward. Unhelpful behaviour. If I would have stayed home, then I would likely have felt guilty, angry, low, and so on. Those feelings would have further fueled my thinking with extreme and unhelpful thoughts, and so the vicious circle would continue.

Instead, I broke that negative cycle by choosing to go out with my friend. The time spent with my friend improved my physical well-being and emotional well-being. Talking with my friend helped me to recognize my unhelpful thoughts and change them. This kind of circle feels a lot better to be in!

There you have it-a light bulb moment. It's a step in the right direction.

Bouncing

Yesterday was my scheduled telephone appointment with the Bounce Back coach. It went well, not that I expected problems, and I was given the option of having more such telephone conversations or just skipping them altogether. I chose to skip them, and that is more of a personal thing than any issue with the coach or the program. I am really not much of a phone person anyway, and I am not much for talking about my problems in general, especially to strangers. It's one thing to type up a blog (that practically no one reads anyway), but it is something else entirely to put those thoughts into verbal form.

Besides, I would much prefer just to get all the work books that I am interested in and do them. I am able to admit that I am depressed now. I accept it, and I am willing to work towards making changes to how I think and react to unproductive things. The one-on-one coaching was okay, just not really my thing. And the coach was totally fine with that! I am not the only person who would rather just go it alone. Besides, I am able to call her should I ever feel the need.

The rest of my work books will arrive in the mail probably early next week. I am eager for them to get here, to get started on them. Perhaps I am almost too eager and will need to remember to take my time, to not rush the process.

Eating Well

We're surviving so far! I've tried a couple of new recipes which turned out just fine. The other day I made a carrot, beet and spinach slaw, which made me appreciate beets in a brand new way! Tonight I made black bean patties, which were good enough to make again sometime. I think I have personally eaten more fruit and vegetables over the past few days than I normally would have, and that can only be a good thing.

Raiding the Fridge

At some point in the near future, Kane will need to do a purge of the fridge and cupboards as part of his weight-loss challenge. With that and the state of my fridge in mind, I decided to clean out my fridge today after work. Kane's challenge was only that little nudge to get started on a task long over-due, because my fridge has been a mess for a while now. I had thought about cleaning it out last week, but then I decided to wait until a day closer to our garbage pick-up. Tomorrow is our garbage pick-up.

The fridge is now clean and looking rather bare without the myriad of half-full bottles of sauces and whatnot that one is always reluctant to toss until the grime on the bottle is several layers thick. The kids have commented on how empty the fridge is. Casey said that there was nothing to eat in there that didn't need to be cooked first!

And now I do need to fill it, at least partially, with good things, healthy things, like fruits and vegetables. It's not like we never have fruits and vegetables in the fridge. We do...sometimes past their shelf life, too! Okay, so Kane's challenge will prove to be a major challenge for us all.

One step at a time...

Chosen

Kane got the email tonight, and he has officially been selected for the Global Fitness challenge! We both had a sense that he would be selected, but we also had feelings of fear that he would be chosen! I know that sounds contradictory, but it is true. Even now, knowing that Kane has committed to four months of hard work, I am excited and happy for him but also slightly afraid of what changes we will face. Because, really, we will face those changes and challenges together, even though he is in this program and I am not! I did, however, sign up online for X-Weighted's National Challenge over the next 26 weeks.

So, ready or not, like it or not, we are works in progress!

Snowboarders!

Kane took the boys up to Big White for some night snow boarding. Sam had his first experience last night with the After-School Program. He had a blast and was very eager to get back up there. This will be Casey's first time snow boarding, so I hope he enjoys it as much as Sam did. I've just learned that the mountain is quite foggy tonight. Hopefully they will have a safe drive there and back and a good time irregardless of the fog.

Change is in the Air

Kane has applied for a weight-loss challenge through a local fitness club, and tonight we attended an informational meeting for all the applicants. Apparently, there are nearly eighty people interested in being chosen for the program, but only thirty will ultimately be chosen. All of the chosen ones will receive a four month gym membership, a personal trainer, nutritional coaching, and a lot of support. The grand prize winner will receive a year's membership, the outfit of the winner's choice from Lulu Lemon, a make-over and spa treatments from L'Aveda, and some undisclosed prize from some skin laser type company. Wow!

As we sit in the room listening to the information, I thought not only of how great that opportunity would be for Kane, but also how scary it would be if he was chosen for the program! I know that sounds a little contradictory, but I do have these mixed feelings. I was comforted a little to hear Kane say that he also had similar mixed feelings about it. Change can be down right scary!

It shouldn't be such a frightening thing to change. I mean, after all, we don't live in a vacuum. We are constantly living with change. We live with changes to our health, our families and other relationships, in our jobs, the colour of paint on our walls, our environment, the seasons, the weather, our city, our country, the world. Our tastes change. Styles change. Technology changes. Sometimes it seems that changes take place so quickly and so often that we feel as if we cannot keep up.

And yet, for all that changes so frequently in our lives, there are some changes that we look at with shaking knees and eyes as large as saucers. I know what that feels like, and how that kind of fear can shackle our motivation to a mountain of failure. This is me.

I want to change. I need to change. This isn't the me that I want to be; it isn't the me that I see inside. My goals are simple: lose 40 pounds, have a healthier diet and a more active lifestyle. It is simple but not easy.

I look at my goals and I tremble. I question my willpower, my endurance, my motivation. Depression has made even ordinary, daily tasks feel daunting. In this state of mind, I have a difficult time even wanting to go to the gym or do some exercises in the safety of my living room! The big picture is just that-a BIG picture! It is a lot to take in, even if the subject in the picture is not so big.

What I need to remember are the small steps, the individual pieces that fit together like a puzzle to create that final big picture. I love doing jigsaw puzzles, and I have a definite methodology to completing one. The bigger and more difficult the puzzle the better! If I can conquer a thousand piece puzzle in a day or two, then I think I can put together the pieces in a life-sized challenge of losing weight and getting into shape. Just put the pieces together one at a time, and start with the edges.

I don't expect to lose forty pounds by next week or even next month. It wouldn't be healthy or realistic; however, I think that losing that much weight by the end of 2010 would be a realistic goal. Forty pounds divided by twelve months works out to less than four pounds per month! I can do that, I know I can!

Change can be a good thing, even if we have to work for it. I need to remember that, and take a step at a time. Regardless of whether or not Kane is selected for that program, we both need to make changes.

BEST Effort

Sam does not enjoy school, and he often has difficulty putting the knowledge in his head down onto paper. At the end of the first term, he was failing Social Studies and English, both necessary courses for graduation!

One Sunday morning at church, Kane met a gentleman who is doing some work at a couple of schools. Kane talked about Sam with this fellow, and the offer arose for some free tutoring. We were naturally keen on the idea. So, Sam met with Nathaniel a couple of times in December to work on a Social Studies essay that Sam had to complete by the last day of school before the Christmas break.

The first session was easily two hours and could have gone longer. Sam came home with some writing to do before emailing a copy back to Nathaniel for proof-reading. An email came back with a few more suggestions resulting in yet more laborious writing. There was another face-to-face session, and then Sam had to put everything together before handing in his assignment.

Sam's Socials teacher must have scanned his essay when Sam handed it in that last day of school, because he told Sam that he had "ripped it!" I had to ask Sam what the teacher meant by that, which illustrates how far removed I am from youth. Sam assured me that it was a positive comment.

Yesterday was Sam's first Socials class since the break, and he came home with his marked essay. 6 out of 6! The hand-written comments written in the margins were exciting to read. It was obvious that the teacher was impressed with Sam's effort; I know that I am impressed!

Walking on Sunshine

It's a beautiful day today with a blue sky and sunshine. I'd go out for a walk if the sidewalks weren't covered in slush. I have strong feelings of dislike for slush and walking in it! So I will enjoy the sunshine through the windows, glad to see the sun after several gloomy days of grey.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to me! Thirty-eight doesn't feel too bad...so far.

We had cake last night, because Abby baked a cake for me while she was at her cousin's for a sleep-over last week. So, there was a cake taking up precious space in my fridge since New Year's Eve, and I kind of figured that it was probably getting a little stale waiting for my birthday to arrive. Besides, Sunday nights are 'family nights', so what better time could there be to have a little cake!

I had a good day at work, uneventful and fairly easy-going. It was a nice change of pace from last week's work shifts. I did enjoy work last week, but it took a lot out of me. First, I worked double the number of hours that I typically work in a week, and three of those days were busy and short-staffed. I was running the show for a couple of those days, and did well, I think. However, I was wiped out by the time I got home and was in bed early every night. I basically did nothing but work, sleep, and watch a bit of TV. I didn't even exercise, because my feet were killing me and my back was stiff.

Today finally feels like the start of a new year to me. I am a little more rested than I have been for a week. My work schedule is back to normal. The kids are back to school. Routine can once again keep me sane.

I am feeling better than I have in months, since the depression diagnosis mid-December. It's funny how quickly and rather easily a positive change has been! Even though last week I was very tired with all the hours I was working, my exhaustion level still was nowhere near as extreme as it had been prior to the diagnosis! And really not much has changed. Yes, I am taking a little pill, but it isn't, or shouldn't be the cause of a more positive mood. It was prescribed to help me sleep and to help with my frequent headaches, which it has! I have only had one headache since beginning the prescription, and that was the day after I forgot to take my pill. I have been sleeping better, mostly, though still not always ideally. Yet somehow I have more energy, more motivation than I have had for so very long! And I don't know why...

Maybe it is because of the pill, but the dose is so incredibly low, something like 10mg (where the anti-depressant dose is something like 10x that or more!). Perhaps I have more energy, because the headaches are not occurring and I am sleeping better. Or maybe just knowing what was going on with me was enough to spark a break-through. I see my doctor on Wednesday, so I guess we'll talk about it then.

In the meantime, I am looking forward to dinner out with my husband tonight and also the next three 'free' days at home.

Good-bye 2009

It's the final day of 2009. I have been awake since roughly 4:30 this morning, and I have worked a long day. Once again we were a little short-staffed, and I wound up working on the sandwich bar station again, which really wasn't a part of my plans for the day. I don't mind working the sandwich bar, but back to back 8 hour days is simply not good for my back, especially when we're short on staff! I survived though. Two days down for the week, two more to go.

I would like to reflect on the year's highs and lows, but that will have to wait until sometime in January, when I have a little bit more time and energy to think that far back. NaBloPoMo's theme for January is BEST, so maybe I can do some posts on that topic.

Back to the Grindstone

In some ways my work day was both long and short. My body tells me that it was a long, long day, but the time seemed to fly by rather quickly. I guess that happens when you're working nearly non-stop mostly by yourself! My feet are sore, my back is achy, and I feel worn out. One day down and three long days to go!

I am dreading tomorrow's shift, well, at least the getting up at 4:45 AM! I will need to be in bed before 9pm, and that doesn't always work out too well for me. Natural night owls have trouble falling asleep that early in the evening! But, I am pretty tuckered out already and my little pill should help make me drowsy, so maybe it won't be as difficult as I fear. Of course, I might not be in such great shape for partying until the New Year.

Boxing Day Blues

Christmas is over, and it was a good day, I think. We opened presents, had brunch, relaxed, and enjoyed a good dinner with family. Later that night, I took Sam and his friend to a late showing of Sherlock Holmes.

The movie was very good. I think it lived up to my expectations and surpassed any qualms I might have had before viewing the movie. It felt strange to be at the theatre and sitting alone, and I did have to fight off fatigue at one pint. We didn't get home until shortly after midnight, which made it a very long day.

With the disruption to my regular routine, I forgot to take my pill and didn't remember that tidbit of information until we were driving home from the theatre. Seeing as how I need to take it about an hour before bed and that it was already so late, I decided not to bother taking it. I figured that I was exhausted enough that I wouldn't need that little extra help to sleep. I was wrong.

I did start to doze off very quickly, but then Kane started snoring and I was wide awake without a speck of sleepiness. After several futile attempts to nod off, I finally moved to the living room and the futon, where I did manage to fall asleep, though fitfully and uncomfortably. Actually, I haven't slept overly well, since Kane began trying to follow his new sleep plan to get himself sleeping better.

Yesterday was not so great a day for me. I was exceptionally tired, and in a way that I haven't felt since I started taking those little pills every night. I also had a headache and fuzz for brains. I was irritable, too. As far as mood goes, yesterday stunk!

Now I have to wonder why yesterday was the worst I have felt for over a week. Was it all because I forgot that little pill? Or was it simply a result of not enough quality sleep that night? Maybe a combination of both reasons? I don't know the answer, but I do know that I did not like how I felt yesterday. Not one little bit!

The initial depression diagnosis hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I was crushed, upset and stubbornly opposed to the diagnosis, even though I was just realistic enough to realize how right the diagnosis felt. I didn't like it, but the symptoms fit all too well.

The little pill is an anti-depressant, but it wasn't prescribed as an anti-depressant! This pill has been found to be helpful with pain and difficulty sleeping, which is why my doctor prescribed it to me. It's a very low, low dose, so I don't really think that this little pill is the source for the change in my mood. Maybe it is more than I think.

All I know is that the first day or two from the diagnosis were still yuck days for me. I was exhausted, unmotivated, no energy, headaches and mental fuzziness, blah, blah, blah. And then, there was sunshine. Almost literally! I felt energized and alert. I wasn't exhausted. The headache was gone, and my brain felt clear. Until yesterday.

It could be six of one and a half dozen of the other. I suppose the real test will begin later this week, when I work four long and early morning days in a row!

Twas the day before Christmas and...

Kane is at the gym. Casey is still asleep. Sam and Abby have been awake for a while, had breakfast and showers. I am making lists and checking them twice, as I anticipate the big family dinner tomorrow night. We're expecting a brother-in-law and niece for a visit this afternoon. There is a church service this evening, followed by a family viewing of White Christmas, possibly. A few more presents yet to wrap and tuck under the tree. Stockings to fill once the kidlets are in bed...the problem with kids getting older is that they stay up later! And I must remember to charge the camera battery!

Happy Birthday, Casey!

Today is Casey's 14th birthday. He received his present from us a couple of weeks ago, because he had something quite specific in mind and simply could not wait until today to get it. What he wanted was a new pair of shoes, but not just any pair of shoes! No, they had to be expensive and stylin', at least according to his sense of fashion. I personally think his new shoes are rather ugly, but that probably speaks more to my age than actual style. When I was his age, I just might have thought they were cool, too!

The cake has been made and decorated and awaits the ritual candles and song later this evening. Casey has requested lasagna for supper, so that is what I am making, along with garlic bread and Caesar salad and raw veggies.

Happy birthday, dude!

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Bounce Back

My doctor referred me to a program called Bounce Back. It is a self-help program to help those with mild to moderate depression. The doctor gave me a DVD which introduces the program and outlines some helpful steps for changes in lifestyle and ways of thinking. I have also been contacted by phone by a "coach" who will talk with me several times over the course of the program, guiding me along and answering questions. A big part of the program seems to be a series of workbooks that I can work through on my own. The first two workbooks arrived in the mail today.

Normally a workbook would take a week to work through but, because of the busyness of the holidays, my coach is giving me some extra time before we talk again.

The program looks interesting and helpful. I suppose the hard part is putting everything into place in one's life. It's easy to watch a video that tells you it is okay to say 'no' to people, but it is something entirely different to actually pull it off with confidence when the expectation of a 'yes' is high.

4 More Sleeps!

It's hard to believe that Christmas is only a few more days away! I can confidently state that I am virtually ready for the big day. All that I have left to do is take care of one last present and a couple of Christmas cards, wrap two gifts, buy the last necessary grocery items, and take care of food prep for Christmas dinner!

The vertigo is fading, although I feel a little dizzy today. I feel a little more energetic and motivated and hopeful.

The turkey is defrosting in the fridge. The house is basically tidy and clean. All is good.

"In health news today..."

The official diagnosis on my dizziness is benign paroxysmal positional vertigo caused by a viral infection in the ears. It's a mouthful and can last a week or more. Sadly, someone who gets bppv once is more likely to get it again and again. Isn't that lovely!


I had my requested blood work done but, much to my dismay, everything came back normal. Really, it is a good thing to have no issues with my thyroid, blood sugars, or what-have-you, but I admit to feeling rather crushed to feel the way I do without a discernible cause. And then the doctor said that he felt I was depressed. The emotional dam broke. All the symptoms fit that diagnosis, even though it wasn't a diagnosis that I wanted to hear, not for myself.


As imperfect as I am, I strive to project an image of someone who is calm, cool, collected and in control of her life. Accepting a diagnosis of depression makes me feel like someone who is none of those things, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. The logical and wise part of me knows that I am not a failure for being depressed, but the emotional part of me isn't ready to accept that as truth. The emotional part of me is a wreck right now, wounded by the diagnosis and resistant to being placed under the microscope.


I suspect that my journal and this blog could see a lot of emotional garbage over the next few months. Consider yourself warned!

Round & Round

Over the past several months, I have had moments of dizziness, but it has never been so prolonged as what I have been experiencing since yesterday afternoon. It's a little wearisome.


Nearly every head or upper body movement leaves me feeling as if the room is moving in the same direction, only lagging a second behind. At times, even my walking is affected, and I find myself leaning as I walk down the hall, unbalanced. Sometimes, just moving my eyes is enough to start the room spinning.


This is not a pleasant feeling, although I feel no ill-effects otherwise. There is no nausea, no vomiting, no actual falling has taken place yet...just weebling and wobbling and a sense of a slowly spinning walls and furniture.


I cannot believe that I am actually eager for Wednesday's doctor appointment.

15 Days and Counting

Fifteen days until Christmas, a day over two weeks! In some ways I am ready, and in other ways I am not.


The baking is finished! Aside from a birthday cake for Casey, I do not plan on doing any more baking for the rest of the year. I cannot believe that I am saying this, but I am seriously considering NOT even baking any pumpkin pies for Christmas dinner! Sacre bleu!


Okay, that will be a difficult decision to stick to. I love pumpkin pie. I love MY pumpkin pie, especially for left-overs, but I am baked out. Over the course of the past few weeks, I have baked: chocolate pistachio biscotti, white chocolate biscotti, rosemary nut shortbread, plain ol' regular shortbread, chocolate sugar cookies, sugar and spice cookies, coffee finger cookies, Earl Grey truffles, Chai truffles, and royal icing for decorating the chocolate sugar and spice cookies. I'd say I have more than met my baking quota for the holidays and beyond.


Most of my Christmas gift shopping is finished, and everything that I have has now been wrapped. I still need to get Casey's main gift and a little something for Sam, and maybe a few more stocking stuffers. There will be grocery shopping in my future though, for every day essentials and turkey and trimmings.


The tree was selected, put up and decorated last week. Poinsettias are adding ambiance to the living room, even if the mood is interrupted by unclaimed piles of clean laundry and random junk left to gather dust in the corners.


Tomorrow and Saturday are Abby's performances in Christmas Shop Around the Corner put on by our church's children's music program. Dress rehearsal is today, and I will be glad when this is over and done! As much as Abby loves the program, I get a little weary of shuttling her back and forth between church and home, especially this week with the extra practices. I know she will do a great job and pictures will follow. I'd like to say that I will have photos up Saturday night, but I highly doubt it.


I have only four more shifts before my week off for the holidays! My staff party is next week, and I am almost looking forward to it. Traditionally, we have gone bowling for the staff party, but this year we are going for a Chinese buffet. It's quite a change of pace; however, I think it might even be more enjoyable this way.


The pressure of finding Casey a birthday present has been removed by his very strong request for an expensive (and ugly) pair of DC shoes from West 49. It goes against my better judgement to put a $100 towards a pair of shoes for a rapidly growing teenage boy, but I appreciate how much he wanted these shoes and the desire to be as cool as his peers. I can roll my eyes at the oddity of being cool for owning a pair of ugly shoes, because I can remember being a teenager and having my own opinion on what was cool or not. I'm sure my parents didn't get it either; it's just the way of the world. So, Casey has his ugly/cool shoes. His friends have all expressed their delight in his cool shoes. Casey is happy...although he is still 13 for another 13 days!

GettingitalldonebeforeChristmas

This week is looking a little crazy, a little busy, and I feel almost overwhelmed by all that needs to be done, whether errands, household stuff, kid stuff, or Christmas stuff. The tired, energy-less me wants to crawl into a cave and hibernate, while the 'has-it-all together' me wants to get it all done, and in style, too! The temptation to cut corners or 'put off until another time' is very strong, but I want to persevere and get it all finished.

I am taking off from December 19th to the 27th, and since Christmas day isn't until the end of the week, I really do not want to waste my week off doing all sorts of things at the proverbial last minute. Those are the days that I can sleep in, do fun things with the kids, and see to the actual last minute details.

So, I will work like mad this week to finish up the baking and truffle making. I will drive Abby here and there and back and forth to rehearsals and parties and such. I will attend Abby's class/parent party and her church drama performances. I will do my shopping, laundry, and as much housework as I can manage in the gaps. I will work on Friday and Saturday this week and whatever days I am scheduled for next week. I will wrap presents, mail parcels and those last few Christmas cards. I will make my lists, because I can't function without my lists. I will fax off a registration form for an after-school ski program. I have a doctor's appointment, which I hope will be followed by a trip to the lab for blood work. I will drink copious amounts of tea in an effort to stay somewhat alert; it is suddenly much too cold for drinking Diet Coke.

In two weeks, I will sleep in.

More Baking

I chose not to post yesterday, and it felt a little strange. I was so cold, so tired that I resisted the urge to post simply to post. Besides, I had nothing to say.

I made it to church today. Well, I really had no excuse not to go to church, especially since Abby was performing in both services. It was mostly good. I bumped into a precious friend, which is always a blessing in itself. The sermon was good, I think, but I confess that I lost mental focus in spots and found myself having difficulty putting all the parts together. I was also a little disappointed that more Christmas music wasn't sung in worship, because that is one of my favourite parts of celebrating Christmas at church. Oh well.

The rest of the day was spent doing Christmas baking with my girlfriends for our annual bake & exchange day. The new recipe that I tried turned out well, and I like it even if it has coffee in it! My cookie supply is now overflowing, and yet I think I still want to bake more. I do need two dozen nut-free cookies to drop off for a Christmas program on Thursday, and most of my cookies do have nuts. More baking required! Plus, I plan on making my Earl Grey truffles this week, and quite possibly even the variant, Chai truffles. It all depends on my supply of chocolate and energy.

Cold, Tired, Ick!

I am cold and tired. My feet feel like ice cubes, my hands are chilled, and all I want to do is curl up with a heating pad and my thick, fleecy blanket and sleep. But I can't.

There is supper to make...or at least reheat! Add a bag of salad mix and maybe some nachos or frozen chicken cordon bleu...it will be a mixed bag, but I don't care.

I woke up exhausted beyond belief, even more than normal for me, and my mind and body has stayed in that weary/mental fog state all day. It might not have been noticeable to my co-workers, but I had a difficult time focusing on my tasks and I made many minor mistakes. I made it through my shift and took Abby for an overdue haircut.

There is an eight hour shift ahead of me tomorrow, and I am cringing on the inside at the prospect of my alarm buzzing at 6:15am. The fact that tomorrow is Saturday is some consolation, at least, because it will be a busier, more enjoyable day, and the time should fly fairly quickly.

But I also feel kind of icky...and I don't like feeling icky at work, or any day!

I am rambling, which means that I am tired. At least I can go to bed early tonight.

It's Crystal's Fault

I have been hooked on journaling since June 1990, when a dear friend gave me a journal as a graduation gift. That would be the red journal at the bottom of the stack. Nineteen and a half years and more than a dozen journals later, I am still putting my thoughts, heart and soul onto paper. Some entries are fluffy, while others are whiny, and yet others are the ramblings of a broken heart. The words written within those pages might not interest most people, nor will they win me any awards, but I find the entire process of writing and re-reading my own life story very rewarding.

I am always excited to start fresh in a new journal. Choosing a new journal can be a challenge. I am too reluctant to spend lots of money on a fancy book with leather cover, but I still want my journal to have some character. My newly purchased journal is sitting on the top of the stack, and I cannot wait to open to the first page and put pen to paper.





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O Christmas Tree

The tree is up and decorated, looking lovely now that we have wrestled and struggled and figured and spent more money! It seems that the plastic tree stand that I bought last year, to replace our lovely, old and rusted iron stand, was simply more hassle than it was supportive. After numerous attempts last night and a trip to Home Depot for washers and shims, we still had a tree that was ever attempting to topple over. So, we took it in the wallet and found a new stand this morning.

It is not the lovely iron sort that I hoped to find, and it was more money than Kane wanted to spend on a replacement item. In the end though, I think it was money well-spent. After all, a good tree stand will last for years and years, so if it lasts us even only 5 years, then it is only costing us $8.00 a year!

And you know, as much as esthetically I wanted an iron stand, this one is absolutely perfect! It was a breeze to assemble (and it can be easily taken apart and tucked into the box!), and there are no irritating screws to turn endlessly and hopelessly, as you dig into the tree trunk in a vain effort to effectively anchor the tree. Easy-peasy, done! I love it.

So, we had an adventure with the tree this Christmas. It isn't easy to keep fiddling with the stand or even to completely change stands when the tree is completely decorated, but we did it. The tree is upright, not leaning like the Tower of Pisa, and there isn't even a hint that tipping is in its' future.

If anyone wants a green plastic Christmas tree stand, then I have got one for you! Only used for last Christmas and about 18 hours this year.

Did It!

Not only did I manage to blog every day for the entire month of November, but I also managed to figure out how to put a NaBloPoMo badge on my blog! Yeah me! (And isn't it just the cutest! In a dark side kind of way.)

In all the years that I have been blogging, I have never once, before now, posted so many consecutive entries. It feels amazing to have succeeded, and I found the entire process to be much easier than I had anticipated. Sure some entries were short or uninteresting to everyone but myself, but the act of forcing myself to write something every day was a wonderful stretch of the mental muscles.

The NaBloPoMo theme for December is MITZVAH. When I first saw the theme, I was stumped and decided that I just wouldn't follow the theme. What is a mitzvah anyway? All I really know is that Jewish boys celebrate a bar mitzvah and girls a bat mitzvah, but what those celebrations are is even an elusive generalization rather than concrete fact. So, I googled it.

According to Wikipedia, mitzvah means commandment and is used in Judaism to refer to the 613 commandments given in the Torah and the seven rabbinic commandments added later.

Oh joy! I'd love to blog about rules and laws and commandments...not so much! But wait-there is more.

Mitzvah has also come to express an act of human kindness.

Ah, now that is a big and juicy topic to chew on for the month of December!