Friday

It was a good day. I think. Breaks got done, chores got done, tills and deposit were done. I don't think there were any major issues at work. Except for my headache, this blasted headache!

I've taken extra-strength Tylenol twice this morning with no change. All I really want to do is lay down and close my eyes, but I can't. No napping allowed when I need to go to bed early tonight and get up early tomorrow. I can sleep all I want after 2pm tomorrow! However, I can spread out on the sofa with a book and the remote control.

Even though it was a good day at work, it was a very long day. I think I slept quite well last night, but I've been rather tired since about 7:30am. My feet hurt, my back is achy, and I'm sure that some of my pelvic/low back bones are out of whack. Maybe all this has combined together to create my headache, or maybe the headache is just because.

Only 8 more hours!

16 Hours

It's Thursday today, or so I have to keep reminding myself. This week is a little muddled in my mind, and I am having difficulty keeping days straight. Yesterday felt like Saturday, today felt like Friday. Hopefully that doesn't mean that tomorrow will feel like Monday! That would not be good at all.

I have two more days of work yet this week, but I've already worked more hours over the previous three days than I usually do in an entire week. No wonder I'm a little messed up. Only 16 hours more to go before my 'virtually' month long sabbatical.

Today was a day off though nothing spectacular. I ran off a bunch of photocopies at Dittos for the upcoming baseball season. I dropped off money and registration form for Abby at the church; she's going on an outing tomorrow. I went to the library and the grocery store. Once at home I spent a chunk of time entering some baseball schedules into the computer, only to discover at the end that what I was entering didn't end up on the website! I can't figure out what the problem is, but I need to fix the problem soon. It won't be too long before I'll have a whack of schedules to enter and coaches relying on the website being up-to-date in order to book fields.

This is the type of situation where I feel utterly pathetic. I have no computer skills or knowledge aside from what I've picked up or stumbled upon over the years that we've owned a computer. I know more than my husband and probably even my kids, but I am still highly limited in my knowledge. And stumbling along can only get you so far. I'm definitely stumbling along blind right now!

In the midst of my stumbling, my husband phoned to inquire as to the status of his wallet. He thought it might be in the pocket of a jacket hanging in the closet. It was. So, I drove across town to "buy" my husband lunch and put his wallet into his hands. It was a little frustrating to be removed from my computer problem, but a little time with my husband is a good thing.

Back at home I pondered my problem again with no results, sent off a message to a friend with much more computer knowledge than I, and curled up with a book for an hour or so before making supper.

Not exactly a rewarding or productive day, but it was a nice day, even if I kept thinking it was Friday! Now I need to slow myself right down, not because I've been revved up all day, but because I need to get to bed early (preferably by 9pm). My day begins at 5:10am when the alarm will jerk me out of a very good dream, and it won't end until I've taken the deposit to the bank around 2pm. Okay, so the day won't truly end at 2pm, but at least I'll be off work and able to relax. Then, I get to do it all again on Saturday. The only difference being that my month of freedom begins at 2pm on Saturday, sort of.

Only 16 hours...

Hump Day

I hit my head yesterday; hard on the edge of the counter top in the kitchen. It wasn't the brightest thing to have done, but it was one of those things that you really don't plan on doing and instantly regret once it occurs. During supper preparations I dropped something on the floor, bent at the waist to pick it up, stood up at full speed, and WHAM! Did that ever hurt!

I finished making supper while balancing an ice pack on the top of my head. I ate my supper while balancing the ice pack on my head. I took some Advil and somehow managed to delay the inevitable headache for a couple of hours. By the time I went to bed last night, the headache was in full throb; the Advil may as well have been candy.

I've got a nice lump on the top of my head and a headache, although the pain isn't excessive at the moment.

I made it through my little 4 hour shift at work today, even though it was not as smooth and fun as the previous two days. There are several reasons why that could be...physical exhaustion, headache, the manager on duty, a change in co-worker dynamics, or just the fact that it was Wednesday. It's over now though.

A day off! Yeah! I can sleep in. Bliss.

Tuesday

The sun is shining! It's been a good day so far, and I am happy.

The atmosphere at work was relaxed and upbeat, and I know that the lack of management played a big role in that. I have no idea how the rest of the staff would rate my performance of running the show, but I think it was a good day, nonetheless. Everything flowed smoothly. Breaks were completed in a timely fashion. The 'changing of the tills' went like clockwork. We even made a couple of service times in the morning. We had a lot of laughs, too, which is always indicative of a good day.

Tomorrow I can sleep in just a little bit, since I do not work until 10am. There is a manager on duty though, so the day might not be as idyllic as today. I am choosing to believe that it will still be a good day.

Thursday is a free day, and I'm already planning on a trip to the library to replenish my reading stock. I finished off the final book from the last trip this afternoon.

Friday and Saturday are early, long days. I am the "manager" for Friday, and this is truly a solo flight. There will be no manager finishing a grave-yard shift, no manager/baker in the back. No manager coming on when I am off at 2pm. Just me! I can do it, but it is still a little disconcerting.

Saturday is the day that could be less than what I am hoping for. A junior manager is working the same hours as I am, but she doesn't know how to do the tills, so that job will be mine. However, this manager does not normally work a morning shift, and her work ethic has me dreading the day. She managed to throw my perfectly engineered shift into chaos after only one half hour a couple of months ago. She's used to working late into the night when she has students to boss around while she hangs out in the back. Oh me, oh my!

But I can even do Saturday, because I have the next month off work. Except for Saturdays. In a teeny, tiny trailer with room for only 4 staff.

Monday

One day done, four more to go. Bedtime will come early for me tonight, so that I can be somewhat alive at 5:00 am. I am in charge tomorrow, no manager on duty until I am done work. Wednesday is a short shift with a manager on duty. I'm off Thursday-yeah! Friday has me in charge on my own again. Saturday will see me working with a junior manager, but I'll still be the one doing the tills and deposit. This junior manager doesn't have that great of a work ethic either, so it could be an interesting day.

Give It To Me

This week was going to be a long one anyway, but over the last day and a half it has become even longer. I was originally scheduled to work 4 days this week, 22 or 23 hours. My boss called me yesterday to ask if I could extend my Friday shift, because one of our managers had to leave unexpectedly to see her ailing father in Alberta. Then, my boss called this afternoon to ask if I could come in on Tuesday to cover that same manager's shift, and I agreed. Now I have five shifts totalling 33.5 hours; my only day off is Thursday.

The good news in all this is that for most of these shifts I will be "in charge", at least for a good portion of the shift. I will be ringing off tills and doing paperwork. I don't mind that. I like the responsibility, the power, especially as I am not officially in management. Aside from the sad nature of G.'s unexpected trip, I am glad to have the opportunity to work without G there throwing wrenches in the gears.

G is a nice lady, but her work ethic leaves much to be desired at times, and I know that I can do a better job of running the show. I did it every Saturday last August!

But, on the flip side, I'm not sure that I am thrilled with the amount of work I will be doing this week. It is a lot for me, who is used to working 16-20 hours a week. I'm not afraid of hard work, but I know that my back is already achy and won't appreciate the extra hours of bending and standing on the hard floor. The multiple early morning shifts are going to be taxing, because I have difficulty getting enough sleep in order to be up at 5am. I do it for Saturdays, secure in the knowledge that it is just one day a week and I have the next day off. That little stretching of the truth can fool me once a week, but I don't know that it has the strength to carry me through the week. I have a very strong feeling that it is going to be a long and exhausting week, but I will persevere.

I have no choice really; however, with the renovations set to begin next week, I can focus on the horizon, knowing that several weeks of free time are almost here.

I missed posting yesterday. Yes, I suck. I told myself that I would get on the computer to post after supper, but then supper plans changed direction and I forgot. Oh well, I'm over it!

Work was hit and miss today. As much as I don't enjoy getting up at 5am on Saturdays, I do look forward to the work. Saturdays are typically busy and a little crazy because of all the student workers, but the busyness makes the day go quickly and I'd rather have the craziness than the drama with the full-timers.

I went to bed around 9pm last night and fell asleep rather quickly (amazing!), but I woke up about 20 minutes later and was then wide awake for more than an hour. When the alarm intruded on my sleep, I was just about to take a photography course with Clark Kent. (sigh!)

Most of the time at work was a combination of frustration, annoyance, and catastrophe, but things perked up toward the end. I'm really looking forward to work next Friday and Saturday now that I've been told that a certain manager won't be there and I will be doing cashes and basically running the show. I could almost do a happy dance...or maybe I already did!

Today

This is not the day that I was hoping to have. Whether because of the recent time change or reasons unknown, I have been so tired of late. Waking up has become extremely difficult. I am not a morning person, yet I shut off the alarm as soon as it buzzes and get out of bed, even if I am still tired and groggy. This past Sunday I used the snooze button for the first time in a very long time, longer than I can remember. This morning, I was so tempted to hit that snooze button (and really could have allowed myself that luxury as I have my clock set ten minutes ahead), but I didn't. Still, I didn't roll out of bed right away and found my eyes too heavy to open. I finally dragged myself out of bed when I realized that I was "dreaming" of removing my wrist splints (I wear them at night) but I hadn't truly taken them off.

I'm more or less awake now. At least I am dressed and have already run to Wal-mart and the gas station. I've even eaten lunch and sucked back an Iced Capp in the hopes of a little caffeine-induced mental clarity. The problem is that I feel a nasty headache in the works, although it isn't progressing as rapidly as I thought it might. Maybe it won't reach critical mass after all.

My plans for the day weren't anything special; they seldom are. I live a boring, normal life. The only thing that I truly had to do was get to Wal-mart for new ink cartridges for the printer, as Sam needs to print off stuff for his homework tonight and the ink was running low. Aside from that errand, and putting gas into my almost empty tank, I have no reason to leave the house until tonight. The kitchen is a bit of a disaster though, but I'm not sure that I can make myself stand at the sink today. My back does not like standing at the sink and has no qualms about letting me know its' displeasure, which is something I would be wise to avoid doing since my back has been bothering me a fair bit lately.

The back is frustrating. I can go through most of my normal activities now without too much bother. I can even do most of my work activities without too much bother, but there are still things that will make my back achy. Standing over my kitchen sink is one of those things. Perching myself on the wrong kind of seat is another. Sleeping on my back is a huge one, but I have had little choice but to sleep in that position for the past several weeks. It is taking a toll on my back, and I felt every little ache and pain this morning as I rolled out of bed. The spasms are the worst, though thankfully they tend to be short-lived. It's like my entire back seizes up, and every breath or movement sends tendrils of pain throughout my back. When a spasm hits, I can't take a breath without pain. I cannot move without pain. I love it when a spasm hits just as I am reaching out the drive-thru window at work!

But back to my day...

Or my headache which is focusing twin laser beams right above each eye.

I will do what I can in the kitchen, leaving the hand-washing of dishes to others. I will ensure that the living room is tidy and will make supper tonight. I will probably read and maybe even nap later this afternoon.

Today is my Sunday; back to work tomorrow. My schedule next week is a little fuller than it has been with four shifts instead of three, but the kids will be on Spring Break and after those shifts I will be off work for 3 or 4 weeks. The second week of Spring Break will be blissful and sweet...no need to get up with the alarm clock! Now that's my kind of morning!

(For)Giving

I don't think I've seen C. since last May, early June at the latest, and yet there is hardly a day that goes by without my mind drifting in her direction. Memory lane isn't always smoothly paved with warm fuzzies. Whether I am pushed that direction or I step onto that road myself, I tend to look at that horizon dispassionately, much the same way high school students look at their history textbooks.



C. and I have history, and that's all that we have left of our friendship. It isn't what I wanted, and I can only wonder how she feels about our history and lack of future. I've asked and received only silence in reply.

Most of our history is good and does evoke warm fuzzy feelings inside me, but the more recent memories are rather bittersweet and then heartbreaking. If I don't look back with dispassion, at least over the past four years, then I feel too much, too deeply and I am overwhelmed. I know that there are all sorts of feelings bubbling beneath the surface: anger, sadness, bitterness, pain, to name but a few. The majority of those feelings are dangerous whether they are left to fester or encouraged to grow. I think I've worked through most of those ones...

The problem with feelings is that seldom are they so easily dispatched, over and done with! Just when I think I've moved beyond the sharp, stabbing pain, I find myself snubbed once more and the knife in my back twists again. Bitterness? Dealt with...until a random comment from someone unaware flashes bitter memories before my eyes. Joy replaces sadness until I stumble across a note, a card, a gift once given out of love and friendship.

Forgiveness, too, seems to be an ongoing process. I think I've forgiven C. for what was said and done, but I am oh so quick to snatch back my wounded pride at the drop of a hat or the remembrance of flaming arrows. Perhaps the act of complete forgiveness is so difficult because, in forgiving C., I also then need to forgive myself. How quickly I fall prey to doubt and insecurity! Did I do enough? Should I have said this or that or nothing at all? Did I give up too quickly? Or not soon enough? Was there anything I could have done that would have made a difference? What kind of person am I that my friendship is not worth hanging onto?

And it is exactly that inward forgiveness that is so difficult to give! I can forgive C. a hundred times over. Even when those nasty feelings rear their ugly heads I can still choose to forgive and let go, but it is a thousand times more difficult to shake off the lies and doubts and accusations whispering in my ear.

A Little of This, A Little of That

I have a post swirling around inside my head that fits in with the NaBloPoMo theme of Giving (Up), but I am finding myself unable, or unwilling, to sit down and get started. Maybe I'm afraid of where getting started will lead...I don't know. What I do know is that it isn't the kind of post that I can just toss out there in a few minutes. It will take a good chunk of time and space, because the microscope will be focused on me. All that to say that such a post is a coming but not today!

It's my weekend, and it just so happens to be a long weekend! I'm off work until Friday, and I'm getting a little excited as each work shift comes and goes. Our store will be undergoing renovations beginning March 23rd, so I won't be working for 3-4 weeks. Technically, we will still be open, operating out of a trailer, but hours will be scarce so I volunteered to take the time off. However, I did also volunteer to be available for work on Saturdays, if needed, and I have a feeling that they will "need" me those Saturdays and I will be working. But, it will all be good, I think.

I should have gone to the gym this morning, but I didn't. I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday. Assuming that I don't make it there today, I could go to the gym tomorrow, but I am a little leery about going during the day, unsure of just how busy it will be. Guess I should just suck it up!

Instead of hitting the gym, I hit Superstore for groceries. The non-perishables are still waiting to be put away; I had to eat lunch first.

Late last night I finished the second of the three Quick Read books I checked out of the library last Friday. I read Scarpetta first, loved it and was sad that it ended as quickly as it did. Then I read the Clive Cussler book. This was the book with the most pages and I knew it would take the longest to read regardless of how many pages. I was right. Scarpetta was finished in 1.5 days. The Cussler book took 2.5 days. I started the Patterson book this morning and had reached the 21st chapter after a half hour. Even with time lost through grocery shopping, I'm still already 1/3 of the way through the book and will easily finish it today. Patterson's books really are simple reading...at least for me. But it is good-I can return these books to the library tomorrow or Thursday when I have time to make that 'out of the way' trip rather than scrambling to get to the library on Friday between work and everything else.

Casey's school volleyball play-offs are now here. He plays tonight, but I don't know what could happen beyond these games. The team hasn't been too successful, but I'd much rather watch volleyball than basketball and I think Casey's better at volleyball, too.

Several things seem to be wrapping up. Tomorrow is the final night of Abby's 56 Club which is a church program for kids in grades 5 and 6. Sam's last night of school badminton is Thursday. With volleyball also ending, we could suddenly find our evenings wide open and free! For a little while at least.

Baseball season is rapidly approaching. There is an expectation of evaluations being held at the end of March, but the weather may not cooperate. I don't quite understand this mad rush to get out on the field when it is still cold enough to require thermal underwear, parkas and mittens. A neighbouring association won't be stepping onto the field at least until early or mid-April. I am eager for the season but not sitting outside freezing in my lawn chair.

Baseball will look and feel somewhat different for us this year. Casey will continue to play and ump where he has always played, but Abby will be playing out of the neighbouring association for the first time ever. There is a reason behind that which is too complicated to address here, but I can say that I never would have thought we'd be registering with this association! It will be interesting.

And now I should get off this computer and get to work. There are still groceries to put away and a mountain of laundry to tackle. Supper needs to be planned, because the volleyball game is smack dab in the middle of the supper hours. Some housework could be seen to and, of course, there's the book to finish off!

(Thanks)Giving

I am thankful for:

three days off in a row
a good day at work
that spring has to be just around the corner
that the Canucks are winning more than they've been losing lately
that a decision has been made regarding the Halos
spending time with friends yesterday
Spring Break is coming soon
that volleyball season is almost over
my husband has a job
I have a job
my children and husband
being able to enjoy a movie together with my family last night (Speed Racer) and laugh over the memories it brought back from when the boys were little
being known and loved by God

A Few Hours One Sunday

Time spent hanging out with friends is usually time well spent, and today was no exception. In the busyness of life, it is easy for me to not spend time with my friends for long periods of time. Most of the time I don't even realize how wide the gap is stretching until I finally do spend some time with friends.

Today I was able to enjoy a few hours chatting with a couple of friends over freshly made chocolate chunk loaf and our beverages of choice. It was so good! The fellowship, I mean, although the loaf and my tea were good, too. And that's when I realize how exactly how long it has been, not in terms of days because I know that it has been X number of days since I last hung out with my friends, but in a way that is much more internal and personal. It's rather like a desert flower surviving for days, weeks in the harsh elements, surviving but not exactly thriving. Then the rain comes and quenches the parched soil and gives new life to the flower.

Spring Ahead

Daylight Savings Time begins tonight. yippee! NOT! I have no problem with Falling Back, but I do not like losing an hour of precious sleep in the spring. And it isn't even spring yet! We had crappy, snowy weather today. Icky!

Short blog post...must spend time reading my books. I am 3/4 through Scarpetta and will likely finish it sometime tonight.

The Reader

I went to the library this morning, a task that I both enjoy and dread. I love reading, love books and browsing, but the library is out of my way. The closest branch is downtown, and I almost never go downtown. Any errands that I might run are typically in the exact opposite direction, so a trip to the library is often postponed until a day when I have no other errands to run. I hate running all over town! Unfortunately, this hesitancy to get myself to the library sometimes results in overdue fines or periods of drought when it comes to fresh reading material.

I had barely walked in the doors of the library when I was hit with excitement. There on the shelf in front of me were three new titles from three of my favourite authors! Of course I scooped them up before wandering off to search for other books. I ignored the niggle in my head.

Now I am home and the niggle has given way to mild panic. These three books that I picked up are Quick Read books, which mean that they can only be checked out for a one week period. If they are not returned within one week then the fines are $1 per day!

I am a fast reader. Reading three books in a week isn't usually a problem for me. I have, on occasion, read 3 books in one day, but those were light, little paperbacks. The three books I brought home are big hard-covers. One has 406 pages. The other two have 515 and 500 pages. That's a whole lot of pages to read in one week considering that these are not lightweight stories!

I find it kind of ironic really. If these books were loaned out for the normal three week period, then I have no doubt that I would be finished reading them all in one week, plus the other books I picked up today! I could. I know it! But, because they are only one week loans, I suddenly feel this extra pressure, and I suspect that my reading time will be eroded, too. Casey has two volleyball games tonight. I work 8 hours tomorrow. Sunday is church and girl time. I work Monday...and winter baseball. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are free...except for laundry and such. And the gym! Maybe I could just plant myself on an exercise bike for an hour and read. I might have to sacrifice some sleep time. Oh no.

In case you're interested in what I am reading:

Cross Country by James Patterson
This is the shortest of the three and will probably be the quickest read. I find Patterson's writing style very easy to read. His chapters are usually short, and the writing flows smoothly and quickly along. I can easily read this book in a day.

Arctic Drift by Clive Cussler and Dirk Cussler
This is the longest of the three, though not by much. I do think this will be the book that takes me the longest to read simply because Cussler's stories sometimes get a little convoluted and technical.

Scarpetta by Patricia Cornwell
This is the book that I am most anxious to read, because I love Cornwell's Scarpetta series and never quite get enough. I've been drooling over this book ever since I knew it was forth-coming.

Ready to Scream, Can't Give Up

I gave into frustration last night after seeing Sam's progress report for English. He had a zero for a recent assignment, and I freaked out on him just a little. I freaked out on him even more when he asked if we'd freak out on him like this every time it happens! I pointed out to him that he has had zeros for 4 English assignments so far this year alone. This doesn't even take into account all the zeros in Science, Socials and Math! This was not a random missed assignment, and his excuse of not understanding Shakespeare just won't cut it. Lots of people don't understand Shakespeare. Lots of people don't like reading Shakespeare, but high school students are required to do Shakespeare.

I hate lecturing my kids. I know they hate being on the receiving end as much as I did when I was a teenager. Now that I am on the parental end of things I can appreciate that my mom loved me and wanted the best of me.

I just wish that I knew how to get through to Sam in a way that would make a real difference. I am tired of sounding like a broken record, and his non-committal, disinterested responses drive me crazy.

No theme post today. I am tired. My head is starting to hurt. My calf is sore and my back is aching. Maybe I will go to the gym tonight...we'll see how the head feels later.

Don't Give Up

I went to the gym this afternoon and started off on the elliptical machine. Oh my! It's been many years since I last used one of those machines; I'd forgotten how awkward and difficult they are. Within five minutes I had broken out in a sweat and was seriously contemplating moving on to something slightly less strenuous. I plodded on, determined to not give up so quickly. At ten minutes I felt my legs begin to wobble, but I aimed for fifteen minutes with the intention of psyching myself into going just a little bit longer in bits and pieces. The leg wobble increased, and I had to decide whether to kill myself on the elliptical machine or live to make a trip through the Circuit. I chose to live and work other muscles on the Circuit. Fifteen minutes on the elliptical-success in small doses.

After working through the Circuit, I spent ten minutes on the cycle. My thighs were virtually rubber by this time, but I kept my cycling pace at a manageable level. So far for cardio, I prefer the treadmill and cycle, but I will not give up on that elliptical machine. I can't give up! I want to get into shape, lose weight and inches. It won't happen without sacrifice.

Giving Way

I like writing. Whether or not I am any good at writing is irrelevant; I just like to do it. However, I have been stuck with writer's block for a very long time. In 2008, I had 20 posts on my blog and my journal entries were just as sporadic. Even 2007 was a little sparser than 2006. I have a notebook that I use for creative writing, but I've been using the same notebook for a couple of years now which speaks to how little writing I have been doing.

It's been a frustrating time, this wanting and needing to write with thoughts and words just out of reach.

Unbeknownst to me, the block began to crack last month, and then yesterday I finally glimpsed a light poking through a teeny little hole. Thoughts and words began to trickle out. I felt almost giddy with relief and excitement. I was thinking about the NaBloPoMo theme of Giving (Up), and blog topics and titles flashed before my eyes like a dying man's life.

Has the block been shattered? I am not sure, but it is sweet to see words instead of darkness. I cannot even say with any certainty why the creative juices are bubbling once again. It could be that spring is on the way and, like nature, I am waking up from a long winter's nap. It could be that my spirit has simply had enough of depression and wallowing within itself, or maybe I just needed something, a theme perhaps, to focus my creative energy on. I do not know, and it really doesn't matter why. This writer's block must give way.

Giving Up

I joined NaBloPoMo this morning. National Blog Posting Month. Their theme for the month of March is Giving (Up). I don't know that I will post every day of the month, but a little motivation couldn't hurt.

So, what am I giving up? I don't observe Lent. It is a ritual that has never been a part of my religious upbringing, and my understanding of it is hazy at best. However, I think I know a little something about giving up.

I am quite experienced at giving up. I abstain from buying and trying on clothes for periods of time, because the experience is too demoralizing and frustrating. I have given up on a relationship with Kane's brother and his wife after being dragged through the muck and tossed aside like week old trash. I gave up on a friendship that had become distant yet toxic. I will give up my drive to win when playing against someone who is less competitive. My determination to go for a walk will evaporate in the face of cold weather, rain or back pain. My enthusiasm for cooking gives up the ghost when my children repeatedly turn up their noses at what is set before them. Oh yes, I excel at giving up!

It is time to turn the tables a bit.

I thought about this topic as I plodded away on the treadmill this afternoon. It is time for me to give up all those negative attitudes that hold me back, that keep me from soaring. I've always told myself that I hate going to the gym, hate working out, hate exercise for the sake of exercising, but here I am going to the gym, working out and enjoying it. Granted, I still wouldn't go so far as to say that I love it, but there's been a shift in my thinking. I've given up that aversion to exercise, and it was easier to do than I thought it would be!

What else can I give up?

Once More With Feeling

You'd think I had nothing better to do today but sit at the computer and write on my blog! I haven't written so much in one day for a very long time, but I had a good day and I'm feeling optimistic. I've been thinking about that and will probably write in-depth about it another time; I don't have the time right now.

I just got home from the gym after a good hour long work out. I cannot believe that I am saying that...had a good work out! I did a half hour on the circuit, nearly half an hour on the treadmill, and five minutes on the rowing machine.

Now I am slowing down, preparing myself for an early bed time. My alarm will buzz at 5:10am. I will step outside into the cold and dark about 15 minutes later. My work shift begins at 6am and ends at 2pm. I may or may not need to walk home...or catch a bus.

Still Thinking About Spring

One of my weaknesses/guilty pleasures is magazines. I have subscriptions to several magazines and will randomly buy magazines that catch my interest while waiting in the check-out lines. My favourite magazines are food related as I am always looking for interesting recipes. That's a problem actually...I have lots of interesting recipes collecting in a folder! Some have been tried with either good or not so good results. Others continue to sit untried but hopeful; there are too many of these ones. I keep telling myself that I need to sift through my recipes and only keep those that are worth keeping, basically the tried and true ones and those that are untried but are too appealing to toss. Someday I will get to the purging, but for now here is a recipe that I pulled from a magazine, tried and fell in love with. It's so quick, simple and fresh, like spring.

Linguine with Spring Vegetables-serves 4

-salt and ground pepper
-3/4 pound linguine
-1 pound asparagus (tough ends removed), cut into 1-inch pieces
-1 medium zucchini, halved lengthwise and thinly sliced
-4 ounces snap peas (stem ends trimmed), halved
-1/2 cup heavy cream
-1 tbsp butter, cut into pieces
-2 tbsp fresh tarragon leaves (I omitted this and it tasted just fine)

1. In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook pasta 4 minutes short of al dente; add asparagus, zucchini and snap peas. Cook until veggies are crisp-tender, about 3 minutes. Reserve 1/2 cup pasta water; drain and set pasta mixture aside.
2. In the same pot, bring cream and butter to a simmer. Toss in pasta mixture and enough pasta water to create a thin sauce (it will thicken as it stands). Season with salt and pepper (and top with tarragon).

Wherefore art thou, Spring?

It's a quirk I have that might only make sense to me, but I look at the seasons in a rather black and white manner. It makes no sense to me that the first day of winter is mid-December. Honestly! The winter weather often arrives much earlier than that official start date, sometimes as early as mid-October. To my way of thinking, winter lasts from November to the end of February. Spring is March to the end of June. Summer is July and August, leaving September and October for autumn. I realize that my logic creates unbalance, but it works for me.

So, here it is February 27th, and we woke to -18 Celsius. It's all wrong, and I protest! Spring should be literally just around the corner. I noticed the other day, before the dump of snow, that some of my early spring flowers were already poking through the ground. While at Wal-Mart a few days ago, I paused a moment by the colourful artificial flowers, drawn to the lilacs and irises like a bumblebee. I am so ready for spring that I can almost smell fresh lilacs in the backyard...almost but not quite. My nostrils might freeze if I breathe too deeply outside today.

Spring has to be coming, because I feel like spring cleaning! I want to take advantage of this desire to deep clean, but I know we're not yet finished with sloppy footwear, dirty windows and such. No. We have to wait for all the snow to melt, and then we have to wait for the street-sweepers to make their rounds. Only then will it be a good time to wash the windows. In other words, I can do the windows sometime in May!

In compromise between the weather and my urges, I did a major clean in the bathroom this morning. It isn't absolutely finished; I didn't do the tub yet. But, everything else is clean, sparkly and fresh smelling...at least until everyone gets home.

Wide World of Sports

Abby has been taking part in grade 5 basketball at her school. Officially, there is no such thing as a grade 5 basketball team, but an enthusiastic teacher has put together some practices and one game for interested girls. They had their game this past Wednesday...and it was both entertaining and painful. I thought it was painful watching grade 7 basketball!

There was a lot of shrieking, seeing as these were 10 and 11 year old girls. No score was kept, but our team didn't fair so well on the offense. Or the defense. I think they had fun though and hopefully learned a few skills.

Casey finished basketball at the end of January and has moved onto volleyball. He is doing well, one of the better players on the team. The team practices twice a week, Monday and Wednesday, with games on Tuesdays. They have a tournament this weekend and another the following weekend. I will miss both because of my work schedule.

Sam has been playing badminton at school once a week. I guess I should make an effort to stick around one time and take some photos. He won't like that very much, but I'd like some pictures for posterity.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

In Between the Comings and Goings

When the heck is spring going to make a solid appearance? Enough with winter already, thank you very much! I've had enough of snow and cold. I am ready for sunshine, green grass, bare feet and warm weather.

A look out the window is depressing. The wind is blowing so hard that the snow is falling almost horizontal. A snowfall warning has been issued, and winds could reach 50 kmh. Yuck!

~~~

I had the strangest dream last night. It was rather convoluted and bizarre. My dream took place in your typical creepy, old mansion that served as a home, library, Tim Horton's, and crocodile farm. Okay, so there's nothing typical about a house like that, but it was a dream and it makes complete sense in that context. The bulk of the plot was lost in the waking, but I had a multi-faceted role. I was Tim Horton's employee and detective. I was searching for something, avoiding the bad guys and their well-trained crocodiles. My search brought me to the library where I was searching for a rare brand of chewing gum. I spied the box on one of the library's turning racks, but when I got to the rack it was gone. While searching through the rack, I found the book Slumdog Millionaire. Actually I found two copies, one in English and the other in an East Indian dialect. (And no, I have not seen Slumdog yet, so I really don't know why it wound up in my dream!) Then, I had to get to work and ring off the tills while dodging snapping jaws of jagged teeth. No wonder I was so tired when I woke up!

Whole Lot of Crazy Going On

So, I didn't go for a walk and I didn't make it to the gym yesterday. I suck. I know it.

Today is going to be insanely crazy, although a slight change in plans has given me a little bit of breathing room.

This is how the day was supposed to look:

10am to 2pm work
2:30 pick Abby up from her school field trip in the eastern part of the city (I work in the northern part)
3:00 arrive at Abby's school basketball game at a school in the southern part of the city
4:00ish leave for home in the northern part of the city
4:30ish make supper, supervise homework & chores
6:15ish drop Casey off at his volleyball practice (north)
6:45 drop Abby and her friend off at their youth activity (east)
8:00 pick up Abby and Casey at the same time! Ha ha!

This is what I call 'Fright Night'! By the time I am finally home for the night, I will want to do nothing more than change into my comfy pjs and get lost in Lost.

The slight change in the schedule is that I am not going in to work today, because Sam is home sick. He's old enough to be home by himself, but a sick kid "needs" coddling no matter how old they might be. Besides, he is also quite dizzy when he stands up, and I don't want him taking a tumble with no one home. I don't know what is going on with him. He so rarely gets sick and prefers to tough out any minor irritations. I know he is truly not well when he willing takes medication. He did tough out school yesterday despite how he was feeling; however, he had difficulty concentrating in class and had a fever in the evening.

Getting out of bed was very difficult for me this morning. I'm not sick, except for a bit of a lingering cough and scratchy throat. I thought I was coming down with a nasty cold a couple of weeks ago, but it never really progressed as much as I expected. Instead, I feel like I am stuck in limbo, not really healthy and not truly sick. It's irritating. But I am so very tired today. And headachey...

Fright Night can't end soon enough for me. I will be doing all the driving around, because this is Kane's final few days of school and he is spending every free moment studying. I'm so glad it is almost over! He just might need to pick Casey up from practice though...I haven't quite mastered the art of being in two places at the same time yet.

Procrastination

I have the day off work and had every intention of making a trip to the gym sometime today. It's only 10:30, lots of time yet in the day, but I'm not so certain that I will actually get to the gym today.

It's the indecision in me, the procrastination. I want to go to the gym, and then again I don't. I am tired. Silly me stayed up late reading a book in bed and now I am dragging my feet.

Sam came upstairs this morning, after repeated attempts to get him awake and out of bed, complaining of a headache. He is so seldom sick and rarely has any complaints regarding his health, so when he is not feeling well it is quite obvious. There didn't appear to be any fever or signs of illness, but his eyes looked pinched and he carried himself more tentatively. I know the signs of a bad headache all too well!

I laid out the options: 4 chewable children's advil or 1 extra-strength ibuprofen caplet. Sam has not yet mastered the art of pill swallowing and abhors medication in any form. He'd rather suffer in misery than take medication with the only exception being amoxycillin. Weird child! After a failed attempt with the caplet, he chose the chewables and made short work of them, which only shows the depth of his discomfort. Mean mother that I am, I sent him to school despite mild protests that he should stay home; however, I did give him permission to go to the office and ask for me to be called should the headache rage on for more than an hour. It's been two hours now, so I guess the advil has kicked in and given some relief.

Even still, the thought that I might be called to pick up a child from school has me hesitant to leave the house for the gym. I will not work out with a cell phone on my hip. I will not be that person!

My own constant headache seems to be mobilizing the troops for battle. How I wish popping an advil would make a difference! A nap sounds lovely...I can be such a procrastinator!

I was going to bake today...

I wanted to get started on spring cleaning...

I did take some time this morning to do some tidying in my bedroom! The closet is now neat and mostly organized. The piles of clean clothes and linens have been put away. The floor swept. There is still a lot to be done in terms of deep cleaning, but it will all keep until Thursday or Friday. Or next week...

The gym could still happen today, even with a nap and indecision. Kane might be in need of a break from his studying later tonight. I could go then, and the gym would probably be less crowded. Ah, there is method to my madness!

The baking could still happen today as well. I have a bag of lemons to use up and, the more I think about them, the more I crave the fresh and tangy taste of lemon squares. Besides, the only other time I made lemon squares was a complete comedy of errors, and I need to redeem myself.

And just maybe I'll go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine!

Looking Inward

Anyone who knows me knows that I am quiet, shy and so not out-going. I've always been this way, and yet I realize that I've erected a substantial wall around myself over the course of the past 5 years or so. I don't think it happened intentionally, but I suppose that I can't claim complete ignorance of the construction either. It's not uncommon for people to close up shop when they have been hurt, and I have never been an out of the ordinary kind of person.

A second-hand comment made its' way to my ear the other day. It was a comment about me needing to come out of my shell and was spoken by an unnamed person who more than likely hasn't made an effort to get to know me. I could ask my husband who made the comment, but I really don't need to know. What I do know is that it came from someone at our church...and I know that there are very few people there who know me or even make an effort.

The comment both irritates the snot out of me and causes me to re-focus the magnifying glass on my heart. Anger simmers beneath the surface when hearing a comment like this, because it usually comes from someone who does not know me, hasn't taken the time to get to know me, or has a completely different personality. Most of the time such comments come with the insinuation that there is something wrong with being introverted, and I am tired of being told that I need to change this innate nature in order to please someone else.

I am quiet. I can be quite shy. I typically do not talk much in social situations, and I am not fond of large group gatherings where I know few people. However, I am quite capable of speaking and surviving social functions. I may not feel at ease amongst a group of strangers, my knees might knock together while speaking in front of groups of 10 or 100, and my mind might go blank when it is time to make small talk, but I am not socially retarded. It will take time and effort to get beneath the surface with me, but isn't that true for most people anyway?

More than five years ago we left our church home for a brief period of wandering before putting down roots in a new church home. The old church had been home for several years, and we had been happy there. We were involved and active in many ways and areas. I personally didn't have any close relationships there, but we knew most everyone and felt comfortable and cared for. There was a time when I desperately wanted closer relationships within the church, and I even went out on a limb, opened myself up to someone who I thought was interested in digging deeper. She dropped the ball. I retreated and watched as her relationships with others blossomed. I withered.

There is more to our leaving that church than this one situation, but a big part of our leaving had to do with the lack of personal relationship. We did the 'right' things. We were involved. We welcomed people into our homes. There were always hellos and handshakes in the foyer...but nothing else. No one cared enough to drop us a line or give us a call when we stopped attending that church.

And in a little way, I stopped caring. We were burned out and hurting. We laid low. We tried a few churches and found a measure of relief in becoming lost in one of the big churches in town. At least until we were ready to become people instead of numbers.

We found our new church about 5 years ago and here we stay, but I still feel like a number instead of a person. This time I know it is my fault, my lack of doing. Mostly.

We've been involved here or there in little ways, nothing major or life changing. I've been content to go to church for the service and come home. I drop Abby off at programs and encourage the boys to go to youth as often as it can fit into their schedules. I encourage Kane to get involved, to meet guys. I look at upcoming women's events with skepticism and longing and resignation. I am not about to go by myself. I do not want to walk into a room full of strangers, strangers that all have relationships with each other.

And then there's the other major thing...the second source of bricks and mortar for the wall around my heart. The death of a friendship takes a toll on a person, especially when that friendship was so close, deep and real. I tell myself that I'm over it, that the situation no longer causes me pain, and I can almost believe the lie. The feelings of today are vastly different than the feelings of 6, 12 or 24 months ago. There is a measure of healing and growth. The pain itself changes. The sting is less pronounced most of the time, but the most random thing can throw my feelings back 2 years in a heartbeat. The how and why are no longer important. I was hurt and with that hurt comes not only pain but anger, sorrow, insecurity and confusion. So much time was lost over the few years trying to first hold on to this relationship and then to move past it. I've come to accept that there will always be a hole in my heart that only she can fill, and that emptiness seeps into every fibre of my being and swallows me up.

So yeah, I guess I do need to break out of this shell a bit. What strikes me as quirky is that I don't really consider myself unapproachable. I am not a chatty person. Okay. But, I won't turn and run away if approached by someone wanting to talk to me, at least under ordinary conditions. I can live within my own little bubble if necessary, so if you think I need to come out of my shell then maybe you should come and say hello. Or introduce yourself. I am very good at remembering faces and not too bad at remembering names, so why not take a moment to talk to me instead of just telling my husband that I need to come out of my shell? I don't bite...at least not strangers.

I Yam What I Yam

I want to lose a few pounds. I want to get into better physical shape. I want to be able to try on clothes at a store without being overcome by feelings of disgust and frustration. I want to be healthier. I want to be able to go to bed at night without tossing and turning because my hips hurt. I desperately want to be free of these constant headaches. I want!


But, I am lazy. I procrastinate. I hate exercise. I hate gyms. I'm too busy to fit an exercise routine into my schedule. I am not a big water drinker. I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables. I like comfort foods. My body hurts too much. I'm too exhausted. I have so many excuses!


It's silly. I know that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I know that I am capable of stepping outside of my comfort zone. I can do it!


Sometimes I feel strong. Not always.


Little steps lead to bigger steps.


In January, I joined Steps Out, which is a program designed to get people more active by logging their steps. The goal is to walk 10, 000 steps a day...a goal that I am still far from reaching! On my best day, I still was below 5000 steps. But, I am plodding on. The very act of recording my steps has motivated me to get out and walk more, even though I am not keen on walking outside in the winter.


I am making a minor effort to eat more fruits and vegetables. It's still not easy, because I'd rather snack on nothing than grab a piece of fruit. I actually ate kale for the first time a week or so ago and liked it. Last night, I roasted yams with potatoes, carrots and shallots...and I actually ate yam! Now, I've had yams and sweet potato before. Icky. However, I can honestly say that I almost didn't know that I was eating yam last night, and I would eat it again.


Kane has begun talking about a family pass for the recreation centre's weight room and pool. Did I mention that I hate going to gyms? It looks like we'll be giving the gym a try, at least for a month to start, and I almost feel a glimmer of hope or excitement about using the gym. What's wrong with me?!

101 Things About Me

1. I love making lists.
2. Green beans are funny things. I love them from a can. I can tolerate them fresh, but I cannot stand frozen green beans!
3. I absolutely abhor mushrooms in any way, shape or form. They make me gag. My parents often forced me to eat mushrooms as a child, and liver.
4. I don't force my children to eat food that makes them gag.
5. I am comfortable with the sounds of silence.
6. I rather enjoy cooking a large turkey dinner for a houseful of people, but I don't want to do the clean up.
7. I'd rather scrub the toilet than wash dishes.
8. I am 5' 8" tall. My mom will say that I was always the shortest kid in my class, but I always thought I was one of the tallest.
9. My 15 year old son is barely an inch shorter than me now.
10. I've been to almost every hockey rink in Southeast Saskatchewan, and I grew up to the sounds of Hockey Night in Canada, the Canadian Football League, and Stampede Wrestling.
11. I played only 3 years of organized softball. I played softball and slo-pitch with adults more than I ever did with my peers.
12. I am fascinated with Russia.
13. I collect Coca-Cola paraphernalia.
14. I am a night owl with clipped wings.
15. I played the clarinet for two years way back in junior high.
16. I'm trying to learn how to play the violin. I'm teaching myself.
17. I do not have one favourite colour, or even two favourites.
18. I once owned a Wayne Gretzky doll.
19. Aside from babysitting, my first job was helping with the West Coast Amusements bingo when the fair rolled into town.
20. I spent most of my 3 day bingo pay on a pair of Reebok shoes and a pair of acid-washed jeans.
21. In grade 6, I had the lead role in our school's Christmas drama production of The Greatest Christmas Card. I was the mom. I had wanted to be Mary or an angel.
22. I love to write using funky, coloured pens.
23. I love to read, and I will re-read my favourite books/authors over and over again.
24. I love jigsaw puzzles; the bigger and more difficult the better. I'm partial to landscape photos. 25. Depending on the puzzle and the day, I can do a 1000 piece puzzle in a day or two.
26. I love watching my kids do their things.
27. I often get teary while watching my kids do their things, because I am so proud of them.
28. My eyes leak. Usually at the worst possible time.
29. I have a like-hate relationship with my doctor. I like him, but I hate going to see him.
30. I have some really good friends.
31. My husband is my bestest friend.
32. I am very good at remembering faces. Names...not so much. I can even remember a face that I've never been introduced to, and it will drive me nuts months down the road when I see that face again and wonder why it is familiar. 9 times out of 10 I will figure it out, but it could be something as random as someone that I saw at a hockey game making a fool out of himself.
33. I make awesome banana bread and pumpkin pie.
34. I have been journaling for nearly 19 years, and I still get excited every time I open a new book.
35. I'd much rather write a letter or email than talk on the phone.
36. I'm a barefoot kind of girl, except in the winter when my feet get icy cold even with socks on. Ironically, my bare feet can tough out the chilliest of spring days!
37. Autumn is my favourite season.
38. I have scars on the inside of my lip from a tobogganing accident. I walked away with a bloody, fat lip, while the guy I hit wound up with a dislocated shoulder. I was a teenager. He was an adult. And a paramedic!
39. I have a perfect, little triangular scar on my finger, but I don't know why.
40. My favourite dog breed is an English bulldog, but I've discovered that I'm really not dog owner material.
41. I fall asleep to the roar of waves and the call of seagulls. It's a compromise. My husband needs music or talk radio to shut his mind off enough to fall asleep; I need quiet. Music and talk radio keep me awake, because my brain will strain to hear the words no matter how low the volume.
42. I am rather easy-going, never wanting to make waves or push my opinion on others.
43. I hate shopping. I hate the mall. I hate brand name expensive stores. And, I think dressing rooms were designed to pulverize whatever flimsy illusions I might have about the cuteness of an article of clothing hanging on the rack.
44. I could stand to lose anywhere between 20-50 pounds. Can't believe I admitted that 'out loud', but how many people actually read my blog anyway?!
45. I'd much rather soak in a tub of hot, bubbly water at the end of the day than have a shower first thing in the morning.
46. I get restless if I can't re-arrange furniture every few months.
47. I love the mountains, but I miss the beauty of the prairies. Perhaps I've been away too long and my memories have softened with age...no, I still have strong feelings about the bitterness of winter and the plague of grasshoppers in the summer, but there is splendour in the waving fields of grain and the unending sky. And, I miss the clouds! Clouds just aren't the same in the mountains.
48. I did well enough in school, but I know that I could have done so much better. Mostly I coasted.
49. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a teacher, a reporter, a writer, a chef, and a professional wrestler. In many ways, I am all of those things and more.
50. I wear masks.
51. I am trying not to wear masks.
52. I create stories in my head to help me fall asleep. I seldom actually finish a story though, because I fall asleep before I can even get to the good parts. The next night I need to backtrack and re-set the stage before continuing the story...and then I fall asleep again!
53. I have a strong aversion to the taste of coffee. As the TV commercial used to say, "I like my Coffee Crisp!" I've also grown to appreciate a Tim Horton's Iced Capp, but coffee flavour in anything else is a major turn-off.
54. Strangely, my entire job revolves around the making and serving of coffee.
55. I am a Star Wars geek. I've read almost every Star Wars book that I can get my hands on and could recognize most alien species and planets. Most of my fall-to-sleep stories take place in the Star Wars universe.
56. My husband is a Trekkie. We disagree as to who would win in a battle: the Enterprise or a Super Star Destroyer.
57. The Force is on my side!
58. I watch a lot of movies.
59. I love to do my own research into historical people or events after watching a movie based on real life.
60. I had pizza with DC Talk on their tour bus after a concert.
61. I think it is funny that my son likes to listen to Toby Mac who was a member of DC Talk. My son tends to think that the music I like is not very good.
62. I like silver jewellery more than gold.
63. I lost the diamond from my engagement ring twice.
64. My favourite restaurant order is filet mignon with baked potato and some steamed veggies. The steak needs to be rare...red and juicy! A little bit of butter, sour cream and bacon on the potato.
65. I was already sewing before entering grade 9 Home Ec. In class we sewed sweat pants. At home, I sewed a dress for my grade 9 graduation.
66. I don't particularly like sewing.
67. I am more adventurous with food as an adult than I ever was as a kid. There are still things that I will not try and things that I've tried and don't like at all. I had kale for the first time the other day and liked it. I had rapini for the first time the other day and just couldn't get past the taste.
68. I've never been fond of my name, but I can't imagine being called by any other name.
69. You can call me Angela, Ang, Anj, Ange, or even Angie...it doesn't really matter to me. Inwardly I cringe at Angie, but I won't be offended if you use it.
70. I love Dr. Seuss.
71. I am not a morning person.
72. Despite #71, I like working at 6am on a Saturday morning...that is, of course, if I have to work on a Saturday!
73. I'd be lost without my fridge calendar and family day-timer. I'd be even more lost without 6 different colours of high-lighters to use on the calendar/day-timer!
74. I am a homebody. I sometimes have to work up enough motivation to get out of the house, even for a planned activity, because my preference is usually to simply stay home.
75. I have owned 3 different vans within the past year and a half.
76. My grade 8 art teacher from Estevan, Saskatchewan is now a teacher at my daughter's school here in Kelowna, British Columbia. He is also a neighbour, and our kids often play together. I find it very bizarre.
77. I love to curl up on the sofa with my favourite throw blanket, a book, and a cup of Earl Grey tea.
78. I never really liked tea up until a couple of years ago. I started drinking tea when I was breaking my Diet Coke addiction.
79. A London Fog is a special treat!
80. My oldest son can get his driver's license this summer, but that doesn't worry me as much as when my younger son will get his license!
81. I don't feel old enough to have two teenagers. My body tells me every day that I am older than I think I am.
82. I enjoy scrapbooking, but I am not very creative.
83. I talk to myself often.
84. I'll sing along with my ipod when no one else is at home.
85. I take great pleasure in successfully sneaking healthy stuff into my kids, especially Sam.
86. I amass scads of recipes that look interesting but fail to try even half of them.
87. I go on regular purges throughout the house in an effort to reduce clutter and simplify life.
88. I'd really love to have a laptop, but I really don't need one.
89. I hate politics in kids' sports.
90. I'm a big believer in fair play.
91. I am highly competitive, but I am gracious in defeat.
92. I love word games and puzzles.
93. I'm a child of the King, so I guess that makes me a Princess!
94. I don't think I've ever had aspirations of being a princess.
95. I think I was always more of a tomboy.
96. I love shoes, but I refuse to give into the temptation.
97. I seldom eat breakfast. I know that I should. I'm trying.
98. It's taken 3 or 4 days to get this far...
99. Abby is home sick today. She has a bad cough, stuffy/runny nose, sore throat and headache. I feel much the same way.
100. I have had an almost constant headache since Sept. 6, 2007. It is exhausting, draining, frustrating, annoying, and I no longer remember what it feels like to have a clear head.

Ordinary, Everyday

My blogging has become rather sporadic which isn't so terrible a thing, because really, how many people actually read my blog? If you're looking for wisdom or wit, you would be better off to look elsewhere. I'm looking for those same things myself.


Actually, there are a couple of reasons why I have been blogging less; the same reasons why I am also journaling less frequently.

1. Pain and procrastination
-the carpal tunnel flared up for a while, and while not so bad now, my hands/wrists simply get tired of typing or holding a pen
-back, and now hip, pain keep me uncomfortable and distracted in the chair or on the sofa
-more than 500 days of headache makes my brain sluggish or scattered
-all this pain is exhausting and exhaustion easily turns into procrastination
2. Ordinary, Everyday
-there is nothing exciting or noteworthy going on in my life, unless you like hearing about the minutiae of everyday life or my little rants about headaches and pain
-I'm basically just going through the motions, or so it seems


I'd like to say that I haven't had the time for writing, but that would be a half-truth bordering on an outright lie. We are busy, without a doubt, but there is always time to be found in the day, or most days.


Casey has been doing basketball at school since November. I'm looking forward to the play-offs this weekend, because that will mean an end to basketball! To be honest, I'm really not a basketball fan. While I have basic knowledge of the rules, I think a lot of the rules are plain stupid. Both Kane and Casey love basketball though, so I go watch the games and cheer the team on even if sitting on the bleachers will only add to my pain and misery. However, I fear there will be no escaping the bleachers for a while yet. Volleyball begins once basketball is finished, and Casey wants to play.

Abby continues to take part in a church program Wednesday nights for kids in grades 5 and 6. She's also now taking a gymnastics program once a week until mid-March, and baseball winter ball training has begun. Her birthday is on Monday with the party later next week at the local indoor mini-golf/video game hang-out. She's excited to go play mini-golf and video games. I'm excited to not have to clean the house before and after!

Sam is not as busy during the week now that he is not playing hockey, but he plays badminton Thursday nights at his school. The rest of his time is spent watching sports, playing video games, checking out hockey stats online, grumbling about his chores and homework requirements, and the occasional time hanging out with friends. I'm sure he's feeling hard-pressed by his parents about everything, and maybe we are hard on him, but he needs to start thinking about his future and how he's going to get there.

Kane has been helping coach Casey's basketball team. He's in heaven! He also started his final "year" of school at the beginning of January which goes until the end of February. Assuming he passes all of his exams and does well, he'll be a journeyman plumber! In the meantime, my dining room table has been commandeered and over-run by books and paper. It would be nice to have the table back and to actually eat dinner on it once again.

As for me, as I said, I'm just going through the motions. I work when I am scheduled to work, and I am quite glad that my schedule has settled back down to hours that won't exasperate all my physical complaints. I'm still involved with our baseball association, but I'm usually too busy running kids around to make most of the baseball meetings. I've only been to two meetings since October and likely won't make the next one. I do the laundry, cook and clean, buy groceries, and do all those things that fall onto my shoulders. I think-a lot and have conversations in my head, usually about situations that I no longer have control over. I'd like to think those conversations are productive, but I doubt it. Just running round and round in circles.

So, there you have it...my life in a nutshell.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike2.5 Canada License.

Dreams and Fears

I received a violin for Christmas from my husband. It really wasn't much of a surprise as I had pointed out the instrument in a store flyer a couple of weeks before Christmas. Many times over the years, I have mentioned to Kane how I would love to learn to play the violin, and yet I have never before taken a single step towards that goal.


Most everyone laughed on Christmas day when my gift was unwrapped. What kind of a gift was a violin for someone who didn't play it? I can't blame them for laughing. I'm sure I'd have laughed myself were I in their shoes. They simply didn't know. Even though I have long desired to play the violin, this is not a dream that I have broadcast far and wide. I suppose there has always been the fear that announcing my dream would somehow push reality into the dream leaving me humiliated and a failure.


That fear still has a grip on me, even now that the biggest obstacle to learning the violin has been overcome! I now have a violin all my own. I can touch it, pick it up, and explore it to my heart's content, and yet fear remains. What if I fall flat on my face? What if I can't ever manipulate my fingers to play the notes? What if the only music I ever make sounds like a cat being skinned alive? Maybe I am too old to learn a new trick?

Here I Go Again

I suppose it has been a while since I last posted here. Most of my computer time is spent on Facebook or browsing, but there is a limit to what I can or will post on Facebook. It's a little too public at times. I can't even say that I've been doing a lot of journaling, because I haven't been keeping up on that either.

My carpal tunnel in both wrists has been giving me a fair bit of grief over the past month or so. I'm not very happy about that at all, but I have little choice but to suffer through it. Pain is my ever present companion. The head fuzziness and headache continue, as does the back pain.

As if my body wasn't dealing with enough stress, I was rear-ended once again three days ago! This was a minor accident compared to my previous one. No damage to the van whatsoever, but my body did not escape unscathed. The headache is a wee bit stronger, and I have new back pain between my shoulder blades up into the base of my neck.

The woman who hit me this time was most apologetic, maybe even fearful that I was going to chew off her head and spit it out. I confess the thought did cross my mind. Unlike the last accident, I didn't see this one coming and had a moment of 'what happened?' when I heard and felt the bump. It wasn't hard; I don't think my van even moved. The other driver slid on the ice and could not stop her vehicle from hitting mine, which is a vastly different from the driver speeding along and ramming into my van at close to full speed!

I think I handled this accident well; definitely better than the last one! I had no sarcastic comment for this driver, even if I mumbled a bad word to myself as she went to retrieve her insurance papers. I did not burst into tears when I called Kane to let him know what had happened, and I even managed to finish running my errands.

The kids had different reactions when they got home from school and were told of my most recent accident. Abby expressed shock, asked if the police had come, and finally asked if I was okay. Casey immediately asked if we had a new van. I guess he failed to see our old van sitting in the driveway looking just as it had that morning. Once I disappointed him with the news that the old van was still ours, he high-fived me for entering the "two accident" club. He's the only other member of the club. Sam was a little surprised but mostly unemotional and not overly concerned.

I'll live, but it sucks. I'm still dealing with physical issues from the first accident and really didn't need to add new pain to the mix. This accident was so minor that I believe I would have been fine had I not had been crashed into last year. But I was. Maybe I should put a big sign on the back of my van...STOP! Hey, they do it in minor hockey...

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A Month of Sundays

It was yet another all too typical Sunday morning in the Thompson household. I dragged my carcass out of bed when my alarm rang with every intention of going to church. Yeah, no-didn't happen! Well, that's not entirely true. We did get to church for a grade 5-6 parent meeting after the first service.

I wish I fully understood why I am struggling so much with the simple act of getting myself to church. During baseball season we often have ball games or tournaments on Sundays, but ball season is over and we have still be quite sporadic in church attendance for no better reason than a lack of motivation.

I love my Saviour. I love worshipping Him, and I value Godly teaching and preaching. Yet, I feel so utterly disconnected from the whole church scene, even though I do still manage to keep some connections intact. I drop my boys off at youth activities and Abby at her two weekly church groups. Kane and I tried the small group thing a couple of years ago but opted out when a change in location meant more time away from home and the kids. Other than that I am either blissfully or woefully out of the loop. My ever-changing work schedule prevents me from taking part in a women's study and occasional craft days. Special events often fall on the same night as several other meetings or functions.

But, I think the problem is something deeper than simply being physically connected to a church. There needs to be an emotional, relational connection, I think, and that is something that has been missing for a long time.

Our current church has only been home for a handful of years. It became our home after a brief search after leaving a church that had been our home for about 8 or 9 years. We had been involved on many levels and in many ways. Kane and I worked with you and hosted a small group. Kane was on the board and an usher. I taught Sunday school, helped in the nursery, was the nursery coordinator, and helped in other ways. By the time we finally left, I know I was rather bitter and lonely, and I'm sure Kane felt the same way.

The relationships we thought we had been building never went anywhere. In fact, they seemed to disappear in a flash long before we ever left. The turning point for me was when I opened myself up to a woman that I thought was interested in building a relationship and she basically ignored me. That's when I started to withdraw, I think, at least emotionally from that church even though I stuck it out for quite some time. It was telling that I could go to church and walk out after without having anyone really, truly talk to me and certainly not beyond a superficial level. No one took the time to call or drop us a line when we'd be absent from church for several weeks because of baseball or hockey. Even when we finally left the church no one called to ask why or to wish us well. Several months after we left, we did receive a generic "thinking of you" card from the church staff, and I admit that I laughed when I read it. Sarcastically. There was no personal message. Just a standard message and signatures from all the staff, even the new youth pastor who had never met us! The message said that they had prayed for our family during their weekly staff meeting. Wasn't that good of them?!

Okay, so maybe I am still clinging to some bitterness there, but I know that is a big part of the reason why I have not made an effort to jump into our new church with both feet. I know churches aren't perfect, but I've grown weary of the mawkish pageantry often found in churches. While I believe there is still value in going to church, I struggle to get myself there, to overcome the ennui and indifference I feel about going to church.

The Shack

I finished reading The Shack today, but it will take a very long time to process the words and emotions that transferred from page to heart and mind. This book is simply amazing; a must read for everyone. The book explains the very heart and nature of God in ways that have never been clearer (at least to me) and more real.

Here's a couple of quotes that jumped out at me:

"Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly." She waited a moment, allowing her words to settle. "And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

"Let's use the example of friendship and how removing the element of life from a noun can drastically alter a relationship. Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that 'expectancy' to an 'expectation'-spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend."

I can't even begin to process how deeply those two quotes impact me, and I am not even going to attempt it right now. My head is fuzzy from headache and nasal congestion and exhaustion, but I feel as if the past few years have all been leading up to this...and I am finally understanding.

Happy Anniversary...yeah, right!

Last Saturday was the one year anniversary of my accident. It's funny how something so relatively minor can have such an impact on a person's life. I'm realistic. I know that my injuries were minor in the grand scheme of motor vehicle accident injuries, and I don't want to imply that my injuries are worse than they are. Because that's the way I am...so careful not to offend or distinguish myself in any way! Maybe I shouldn't be blogging when my mood is slipping...

I bite my tongue a lot. When a co-worker whines about having a headache, I bite my tongue. What I'd like to say is, "Try having a headache for a year!!" But I don't, because ___________. Fill in the blank: a) I have more compassion than a gnat.
b) I already bit my tongue off and cannot speak.
c) I am weary of explaining that despite how I may appear I am not 100%.

But this is my online, mostly private blog and I can whine here if I want to...and so for today I will, because my back is bothering me, my head is filled with static, and I am exhausted. I should probably add depressed to that mix, too.

Yesterday was a reasonably good day, at least as far as mood went. It was productive. I got a lot accomplished, even if my back was killing me for most of the day. Today is vastly different. I had plans for today. Nothing too exciting, nothing major, but I had hoped to ride the wave of yesterday and get a little more done today. So not gonna happen! It's a good thing I got so much done yesterday, because I fear the rest of my week has been shot to pieces.

One little accident. One driver's decision to speed and his lack of attention. Thanks a lot!

Because of that driver...

1. When I am a passenger in a vehicle that is slow to begin braking when the vehicle in front of us is braking, I feel a rush of panic to the point that my arm will reach for the door or arm rest as if to brace myself. I was the one rear-ended, but now I get stressed about doing the same to someone else.
2. I had a non-stop headache for over 9 months. I still have a headache more often than not, but there are now moments of clarity, brief as they may be. Most of the time though, my head feels like static or fuzziness. It's kind of like being stuck on a TV channel with poor reception, just snow.
3. The back pain I live with now is not constant, unless I have done something to aggravate it for a while. The pain is mostly dependent upon what I do or don't do. Standing at the sink washing dishes is bad. Did that yesterday and I'm still paying for it. The height difference between me and the counter is just enough to force me to bend slightly, and that is where my troubles begin. A lot of tasks at work require bending, both big bends and slight bends and lots of both! Hence, almost everything I do at work bothers my back. Sitting for a period of time on the wrong kind of seat is bad. Bleachers and backless benches are terrible! Even some "comfy" chairs are not good. I sleep on my side, but that position is not good when my back is in pain. Sleeping on my back is worse, same with on my stomach.
4. I haven't had very many good nights of sleep in the past year. It doesn't seem to matter how exhausted I am by the end of the day, it is difficult to fall asleep when my body is aching, hurting, uncomfortable and fuzzy. I lie awake. I toss and turn. I doze off, wake up and lie awake some more. The good, solid nights of sleep come in the form of a prescription muscle relaxant which I take only when I'm really bad. That sleep is deep and mostly motionless, but I am groggy for hours after waking.
5. Nine months of the past year were spent running here and there to various appointments, some as often as three times a week. I saw doctors, physiotherapists, massage therapists, a chiropractor, and my ICBC adjuster. I was poked, prodded, manipulated, scanned, and bruised. If I don't have an appointment for the rest of the year I will be so glad!
6. My family has been affected, too. I haven't had the energy to do all that I normally do. It's difficult enough to make supper 7 nights a week and keep on the laundry. I've certainly been moodier, probably more short-tempered at times. Like everyone else, they don't understand what is going on inside me because I look fine on the outside.
7. I think I am on the slippery slope of depression. My doctor told me I was depressed last October, a month after my accident, but he implied that my problems were from the depression rather than the depression being a result of the injuries. I am stubbornly opposed to being officially depressed, but there are times when I get sucked into the mire.
8. I have little patience for ignorant, stupid, reckless drivers who give no thought to how their actions could impact others.

End rant.

This & That

August has been kind of a blur which is a little surprising as I had thought it would be slower. Just goes to show that life is busy regardless of what you do or don't do!

I have been working a lot! It is nice to have a bigger paycheck for a little while, but I have found the longer hours onerous. My back has not been too thrilled with the extra days and hours of work, and so I now wear a back brace at work. The back issues have even affected my comfort level while doing mundane tasks like grocery shopping, walking, and browsing the library. However, I did manage to grocery shop today without the pain and an intense desire to drape myself over the cart. I am not so comfortable now though...

The longer work days have had me starting my days early, early...far too early! By nature I am not a morning person, although I can function well enough at such ungodly hours. The most difficult aspect of early mornings for me is getting to sleep at a decent time. It just doesn't work!

August ushered in my return to working Saturdays, and I have carried more responsibility for those August Saturdays as a manager is off on sabbatical. I both love it and hate it...the extra responsibility and working Saturdays. Saturdays are crazy busy and potentially full of pitfalls, but I do enjoy working with the younger staff and escaping the workplace politics that come with the weekday full-timers. I can handle the responsibility easily enough, although I am careful not to get sucked into the management trap.

This past Saturday was a trial to be sure. It began when I arrived at 5:30am to the ringing of the phone; my 6am worker was calling in sick. We did just fine until more staff arrived at 7am, but then chaos arrived. We were busy, and most of the staff just did not have the experience or ability necessary to make it through the next 4 or 5 hours gracefully. I found myself alternating between the need to rip out my hair and the urge to knock my head against the wall. It wasn't a bad day, but it could have been smoother with only one worker with more confidence and experience.

Kane and I celebrated 16 years of marriage last Friday, even if we actually celebrated last night instead of Friday night. Those 5am wake-ups for work are a pain in the neck! Roses are adorning my living room, and we had an enjoyable dinner out last night.

I did some rearranging today in my little computer area. It was a task that I actually began over a week ago; however, progress was stalled because of work and the need to sleep. I think I like the end result, although I am waiting for Kane to get home to move one piece of furniture out of the room. I've eliminated the need for the printer desk by moving a book shelf and purging/reorganizing said shelves. It looks cleaner, neater, more functional. Kane and the boys did some cleaning and purging in the storage room beneath the stairs this morning. That little room is notorious for becoming the catch-all dumping grounds, so this was a much needed course of action. Little by little, we're making progress on decluttering and organizing which makes me happy.

Sam baked a pizza last night while Kane and I went out for dinner. It wasn't until this morning that we realized that he baked it on my wooden cutting board which is now cracked in multiple places and ruined. Silly boy. I guess he assumed that he could use it in the oven just like the stones...

Kane and the boys are golfing right now...in the rain...with Kane's brother Brent. It's good that they are golfing, but I have no warm feelings for Brent, his attitudes or his behaviour. Enough about that or I will start down a bitter road.

I've been a little moody for the past few weeks. Anger, frustration, resignation, lethargy, and an almost uncontrollable need to cry. I don't know why, or maybe I don't want to know why. I haven't really spent time, let alone talked, with my friends for most of the summer. I am working far more than my body can handle. I feel unappreciated, maybe taken for granted. It sucks. I know that I am stronger than all this, and yet I find myself so unmotivated to rise above.

I am looking forward to the fall, a return to routine and order, and the changes that will be taking place. Sam is not playing hockey which means our weekends will be free! But, we will have a kid in high school now and taking a school bus. Casey is on his own in middle school and struggling to find his way through the shark-infested waters of adolescence. Abby is eager for another school year, while I can't believe that my baby is in grade 5!

Mostly, I am just looking forward to sleeping until at least 7am six days of the week and returning to my more reasonable and manageable work hours. Okay, and I am really hopeful about attending the Canucks and Maple Leafs game in November! Wouldn't that be sweet?!