Snow Day

It is mid-April yet we awoke to snow on the ground and falling from the sky. I knew this was a possibility last night as I huddled under my sleeping bag while watching Sam play baseball in the cold, the wind, and the off and on again snowflakes. I can now say that we have had baseball in all kinds of weather: sun, rain, hail, wind and now snow! Thankfully, today's game and practice have been cancelled and quite probably tomorrow's as well. While I hate the loss of games, I am not keen on becoming a walking Popsicle. I've been cold enough this week already.

Instead of watching a ball game today, we will be watching the Environmental Mind Grind competition inside the mall. Abby is participating on her school's team, so we have been instructed to cheer loudly. She has been studying for quite some time, and we'll all release a sigh of relief when this is over and we no longer have to listen to questions about water cycles, pollution and recycling.

In other news:

Baseball season has begun. Sort of. It feels like the season has started only to be stuck in a rut as we are still waiting on schedules for several divisions and some things do not yet feel fully set. It will all work out in the end, but in the meantime we are still kept busy at the ballpark.

I still have this eternal headache. My doctor is referring me to a physiatrist...a rehabilitation physician. I'm glad that my doctor is actually appearing to do something even if I have no confidence that a physiatrist will be able to help. My chiropractor did some kind of new scan thing on me a couple of weeks ago. The results were better than expected and yet unsurprising in many ways. The scan measured five different things. My pain threshold is very strong; I aced that test! Of course, I didn't need a test to tell me that I can tolerate a high level of pain. The two problem areas are muscle tension in my neck and lower back (big surprise-NOT!) and a lot of mumbo-jumbo to say that I am physically exhausted and worn out from dealing with this pain and trying to heal. My ICBC adjuster is trying to tell my chiropractor that my current problems are a result of a pre-existing condition. Ha ha! Sarcasm is oozing out of my pores, so I won't say anything further about that except for grrrr!

And it is still snowing!

You know you're bored when...

the ipod shuffle clipped to your collar reminds you of a Star Trek communicator when you reach up to skip to the next song!

Just a Practice

From my journal last night:

Today was Sam's final hockey practice of the season and maybe his "career". With body checking coming to Kelowna Minor Hockey Association next year, Sam has decided that he won't be playing anymore. In one breath, I am relieved. We can barely afford a season of hockey, so it will be nice to not have that expense next year. However, I am already struggling with emotions more powerful than I anticipated.

With Casey and Abby having activities on Tuesdays these past several weeks, I have not attended Sam's practices since mid-January. Thankfully, everything worked out tonight and I was able to watch Sam's final practice.

Bittersweet! I watched Sam skate and dangle, shoot and score, and laugh with teammates, while I marvelled at Sam's smoothness and speed. He isn't the best player, but he has improved so much over the years and has an easy, smooth motion that I simply love to watch. In practice, he has so much more confidence in himself; I wish he'd carry it over into a game more often. I am biased, of course, although I am also realistic about Sam's abilities. He'll never make it to the NHL, but he's come a long way from the 9 year old kid who didn't know how to skate!

The last half of the practice was a scrimmage between the two teams sharing the ice. The final five or ten minutes had every single player involved, including two goalies in each net! The goalies had a blast, able to skate way out and get into the action in a way that they never could in a real game. It looked like so much fun! That was the moment when I realized that I should have brought my camera. I had considered it before we left the house but opted not to. When will I learn to listen to that little voice?

I know that I will miss hockey in the years to come. There will always be the WHL and NHL, but as good as they are, they don't compare to sitting in a cold arena watching my son play. I love hockey! I grew up carrying my dad's goalie pads and watching him play all over southeast Saskatchewan. There is just something about hockey played in small, old arenas that feels like home to me. I know that I will miss it, but I was still surprised at the emotional onslaught I've been feeling ever since the practice started. I cannot believe that tears are welling in my eyes as I write this. Crying over an end to hockey practices!?

We have our year end tournament this weekend. Only four, a long shot chance for five games, and then no more. Ever. I'm pretty sure I'll cry.

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Who Am I?

There is a song by Margaret Becker that goes something like this:

'Who am I, Jesus, that you call me by name? What could I ever do to be loved this way? Who am I, Jesus? In Your eyes, tell me, who am I?'

There is another Margaret Becker song that goes like this:

'You see, I'm looking for the You that used to speak so clear. I'm looking for the me that had a heart to hear and I'm looking for the passion that held me here on the edge. Find me, find me. I'll wait for You.'

I am in a snarky mood this morning. My headache has been a little stronger for the past few days and it is taking its' toll on me. I am physically and emotionally tired. A couple of months ago, I felt weighed down by depression and struggled to fight my way through it. Then there was sunshine, and I felt lighter than I had in months. Not so today.

Sometimes I wonder who I am, where I am going and what the heck I am doing. Most of the time, it feels like I don't have a clue as I go through the motions of life. If I peeled away all the layers what would remain?

I am a wife and mother and sometimes there seems to be little distinction between the two. My husband is not perfect, but he is a great guy and I am blessed. My kids are not perfect, but I love them intensely and again I am blessed. I am not always a great wife or mother. It is far too easy to look at someone else and see "perfection" and then look at my imperfections with disgust. Casey is quite adept at throwing poisoned arrows into my heart, little lies that tell me how terrible I really am.

I am a friend to some, I think and hope, but this is where my insecurities grow and bloom. I have never been the social butterfly type of person. My close friendships have always been small in number. I'm okay with that most of the time. The older I get though the more I want friends that know me, the real me that tends to hide away behind the mask of the day. I treasure my handful of good friends. And yet, here I am grieving the loss of a friend. Still.

I am an employee who works hard and does all that is required of me to the best of my abilities. I go to work and do my job and try not to get swallowed up in workplace gossip and conflicts. There are co-workers that I thoroughly enjoy working with and some that I have learned to get along with. I enjoy the work and the pace. I do not enjoy the customers who think I am retarded because of where I work, and I am not eager to climb the ladder even though they try to put it right in front of me.

There are so many little labels that I can stick on my back: chef, housekeeper, chauffeur, bookkeeper, personal organizer, slave driver, and so on.

If you strip all those things away what is left?

Where am I going with this? I don't even know that anymore! When my head hurts I find it a little difficult to focus, which means I've been out of focus for nearly six months! No wonder everything is blurry! ;o)

Seriously though, my head does hurt and whatever train of thought I was on has derailed. I just want to cry and I can't articulate why, and maybe I don't really want to, even if I could. There's always hope though.

And another Margaret Becker song, taken from scripture...

'Once I was far away but now my life is found in You. Once I was without hope but now I have a vision of heaven. Fallen from grace, by faith lifted up. Now I believe no height, no depth can keep us from the love of Christ. No life, no death, no trial can tear us from the love of God in Christ. How wonderful the love our Father God has given us that we could still be called children of God.'

Shameful

I did find the article on the end of friendships; turns out I hadn't tossed that magazine yet! I wish I could post a link to the article online, but I was unable to find the exact same article on the Chatelaine website.


Reading the article and reflecting on my own situation once again, I have been able to put a finger on some of the feelings that have rolled through me: insecurity, sadness, shame, loneliness, anger. Some feelings were quite obvious (sadness, pain and anger), while other feelings were more elusive and difficult to figure out. Shame was one that I didn't recognize until reading this article, but it was there all along.


My mom and I went to a Pampered Chef party last Monday night. As much as I was looking forward to the party, I knew that there would be a measure of discomfort for me as my estranged friend would also be in attendance. Such a situation would have eaten me up with anxiety in the days leading up to such a meeting, but I'm past the worst of it now. I knew it wouldn't be the most comfortable situation, but I did not dwell on it. I've given up on any expectations in terms of this relationship. There was no hello, no smile, not even a nod of the head. No acknowledgement of my presence in any way, and in a way I was glad.


The biggest problem for me was realizing that I would have to explain to my mom what has transpired over the past few years. My mom lives with me, and I have never said a word about anything in this situation. I realize now that my silence was a product of my sense of shame and insecurity, misguided as that may be. So on the drive home, I finally told my mom the Reader's Digest condensed version of everything. My control broke and tears clouded my vision. The pain was instantly fresh and deep; the shame was in full bloom.


My mom is a wise woman, and she told me truths that I know in my head but struggle to believe in my broken heart. It was so good to hear those truths again, to be reminded once again that I am loved and that being rejected was based on my friend's insecurities and shame rather than on my character. I know this, I know it, I do! But, sometimes I forget, because I can hear and see, inside my head, the words and actions that seek to destroy.

Catching Up, Moving Forward

I have two kids home sick from school today. Casey and Abby have both been giving us various complaints of coughs, sore throats, aches and pains for the past week, but until this morning they seemed relatively fine. Being sick is never convenient; however, this is one weekend where sick kids can only create huge wrinkles in our plans.

Sam has a hockey tournament in Grand Forks this weekend. In fact, his coach picked him up about half an hour ago. Kane, Casey and I were planning on heading out first thing tomorrow morning, after dropping Abby off at her friend's for the rest of the weekend. I'm not adverse to dragging the kids to Grand Forks (provided that they are feeling somewhat better, of course), but Abby would be most disappointed to miss her sleep-over and so would her friend.

This sleepover has been in the works since the beginning of the year when Abby's friend celebrated her birthday with a sleepover party. Unfortunately, a couple of hours into that party, the friend and her sisters all got sick and Abby had to come home. This weekend's sleepover is supposed to be the continuation of that aborted birthday party. I guess we'll play it by ear and see how things are looking in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~

I took Abby for a haircut yesterday as we were all getting frustrated with the rat's nest growing on the back of her head. As I sat waiting, I flipped through a Chatelaine magazine and came across an article that I had read at home in my own copy of the same magazine. I know that I read the article, but I don't think that I read it as thoroughly as I did yesterday. In all likelihood I have already discarded the magazine (it was a few months old); however, I will have to search for it online as the article was meaningful to me. The exact title eludes me, but the article was about the death of female friendships.

Oh boy! Is that ever relevant to me!

I am kind of cursing my stupid brain though for all the holes that let precious information slip through like water through a sieve. There were several "ah-ha" thoughts in my head as I read the article but, by the time I was back home and able to put pen to journal, the lightbulbs had burned out and I sat with pen in hand staring blankly at the wall. There was a lesson for me in that article. I could almost feel the growth and healing as I read those words, and now I am struggling to remember what I was so excited about.

Frustrating!

~~~~~~~~~~

I went to see my doctor again the other day, not because I wanted to but because it was something ICBC wanted of me. Almost all of my personal doctor visits wind up being a colossal waste of time, and this visit was really no different. I could not get an appointment but, because my doctor also does walk-ins, I was told to drop in and be squeezed in to see him. Translation: drop in and wait and wait and wait. I brought a book and waited and waited and waited. He had me move my head and neck. No problems there but he has me do it anyway. I'm healing well and need to remember that it takes time! Yes, everything takes time and I seem to always be short of time.

The headache seems to be fairly stable and consistent, most of the time. I'd be happier without it, of course, but I no longer remember what it feels like to not have a headache. It is incredibly draining!

My lower back is less constant with its' pain. It comes and goes depending on my activity. It still does not like sitting in many kinds of chairs and benches, and activities requiring frequent bending are sure to cause me problems. Even washing dishes or spending a lot of time working at the kitchen counter is too much for my back; there is just enough bending required to make my back uncomfortable and sore.

~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesdays have become fright nights for us. Sam has hockey practices that night. Some weeks, he has practice from 5:30pm-6:30pm and some weeks from 6:45pm-7:45pm, but he needs to be at the arena a half-hour early. Abby now has indoor winter baseball training on Tuesday nights from 6:00pm to 7:45pm and needs to be there fifteen minutes early. Casey has recently begun basketball at school and games are on...Tuesdays! The games tend to start around 4:30pm and run until about 6:30pm. Naturally, each of these activities are in different parts of the city.

It has been three weeks since I've seen Sam's hockey practice. I've seen only a small portion of one of Casey's basketball games, and my back has protested every minute of sitting at Abby's practice. I'm not sure how long basketball will run for, but we could very well have this Tuesday night chaos for at least a month. I'd rather have the crazy, busy chaos of all the kids playing baseball on the same night than this current chaos. But, in some sick way I actually find some pleasure in the chaos.

~~~~~~~~~~

The boys brought home their report cards for term 2 yesterday. No big surprises. Casey received academic and work ethic recognition. Sam's report card was mostly good for him; his Social Studies mark dropped from a C to a C-, but most subjects stayed the same with a couple showing an improvement.

I snickered over some of the teacher comments though. Sam's TA (homeroom) teacher said, "Sam has had a very good term in Advisory. Sam participates well and he has had a generally positive attitude." Well, of course, he has done well and had a positive attitude...all they do in that class is watch movies! Currently, they are watching The Departed. Last week, it was Live Free or Die Hard. What grade 9 boy is not going to do well in a class like that?!

His metal and wood working teacher said, " Samuel is a capable student and has a very good grasp of the concepts taught this term. Keep up the good work in this area. Samuel, however, must use class time more productively and refrain from distracting others." Okay, this is my Sam we're talking about here! We are forever telling Sam to speak up more and to be less shy around others. When Kane read this comment, he practically gave Sam a high five, which is not to say that we are encouraging our children to be disruptive.

Yesterday was also parent-teacher interviews for Abby's school, and so I met with Abby's teacher. No worries, no concerns there! She is reading and writing very well. She is organized and focused and participates. She does well in math and so on.

Hockey Night in Vancouver

The first face off of the game.

Great save, Luongo!

The Canucks lost the game 4-3. It wasn't the outcome we would have liked, but we still enjoyed the game and the experience. We had awesome seats. You really can't beat Club seats in the third row! The seats were very comfortable; however, there was very little leg room, even less than at the movie theatres or the Rockets' games. The Club seats had little menus waiting on seats. You could order and pay for your food or drinks by simply waving the little menu to catch the waitress' attention. She'd enter your order into her little handheld thingamajig and take your payment. In a little while, another waiter would bring your order right to your seat! Wow! The choices were varied, but everything was expensive.

I called home a couple of times throughout the game knowing that Casey and Abby would be watching the game on TV. They both claim to have seen us, or more like Kane's bald head. It is quite possible that they did see us (or Kane's head); we were sitting below the main cameras, right by the blue line. It was exciting to share the experience with the kids over the phone, although I know that Casey would have much preferred to be sitting in GM Place instead of the living room!

I have been in the Calgary Saddledome (as it was called back then) on a couple of occasions as a youth, but I was still blown away by the size of GM Place. I think my jaw knocked against every step as we descended from the concourse to our seats. It was good that we chose to arrive early as it gave us time to gawk and get over our amazement before the game began. It would have been interesting to see the view from the upper levels, but I wouldn't have traded our seats for the world.

We were a little disappointed that the Canucks didn't play as well as they could, but it wasn't unexpected knowing they had just had a three game road trip out east. The Sedin twins weren't spectacular and Luongo wasn't as solid between the pipes as he typically is, but all the players we wanted to see play were in the game. Linden played well, and we were glad to see Mason Raymond play.

We didn't stay for Hockey Night in Canada's After Hours show, but we should have. We saw Kelly Hrudy and company immediately prior to the game, on the ice doing their spiel, and we saw the crew setting up for the After Hours show as we filed out of the arena. We should have stayed...it would have been easier than leaving at the same time as everyone else.

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Protocols for Purging

I was asked about my purging strategies, so I guess I should answer. Do I have guidelines? I don't think I've ever really thought it out before, but maybe it is a good thing to do!

Clutter multiplies at an obscene rate, and I don't believe that I have ever reached the point of conquering it.

1. Everything should belong somewhere. I find that when there is no specific storage space for an item it becomes clutter in the blink of an eye. My kids have bins for most of their toys. They have a basket for important school papers. There are drawers, shelves, and bins for extra school supplies, batteries, cords for cell phones, ipods and cameras, and so forth. The biggest problem here is having everyone put things where the items belong! Many times it is simply easier for me to bang my head against the wall and then do it myself, but I keep trying to "educate" my family.

2. Overflow is not allowed. When my Tupperware cupboard overflows, it is time to thin it out. If Abby has more Barbies than room to store them all then she doesn't need to keep them all. Since Kane couldn't fit all his clothes into his dresser, I made him go through every single item under my watchful eye until he had 2 garbage bags of stained and ratty clothes, 1 bag of clothing suitable for the thrift store, and the rest of his clothes easily contained in his dresser drawers. He balked when I told him that he didn't need an entire drawer for his ratty work shirts and limited those shirts to only seven. Why keep two dozen "work shirts" when a) I do laundry at least once a week and b) he probably only actually wears two or three of them.

3. Be ruthless! Like Kane with his clothes, we all have things that we hold onto or are reluctant to get rid of for various reasons. We tell ourselves that we might need it someday or that it was a good deal and so on. No! In this round of purging, I finally released my grip on a number of clothing items that had been hanging in my closet for years untouched. One shirt hadn't been worn since Abby was a baby; she's nearly 10 now! I loved the shirt and it was a screaming deal when I bought it, but I don't know that I would ever wear it again and obviously I hadn't been wearing. Why keep it? While I haven't touched the toys yet this time, I do plan on being ruthless. My boys are old enough to not really play with toys anymore. I can't bring myself to get rid of the Lego, because I still like to play with Lego once in a while! ;o) However, I don't need to keep a bin of toy cars, a bin of action figures, a bin of soldiers, and so on. Even though Abby does play with toys still, she doesn't play with all that she has and could easily do with less. The same is true for every room in the house. Do we really need to keep bills from 10 years ago or receipts and warranties for products we no longer own? I don't think so.

4. Paper clutter is a big one around here. My kids enjoy using paper for crafts, for doodling, for writing secret codes, and they tend to accumulate a lot of paper. It drives me crazy! On the rare occasions that *I* clean their rooms, I always end up with at least one large bag of paper recycling from inside their rooms! We get notices and newsletters from school, church, work, and sports groups and the local free paper three times a week. Pertinent ones are kept. Old ones get tossed. Old magazines get tossed, even my beloved Canadian Living after I clipped out intriguing recipes. It is convenient for me as we have a recycling bin in a cupboard in the kitchen directly across from the computer desk. I throw stuff in there a dozen times a day. I invested in a cardboard organizer thing-a-majig. Sorry I can't think what it is properly called but it has shelves as if for sorting mail. You can buy different sizes, but ours has eight individual shelves. The kids each have one for important papers relating to school or sports. Kane has one for work papers and one for miscellaneous stuff but mostly baseball. I have one for miscellaneous, and there are two blank ones for nothing much at the moment. They are labelled, and I have to keep on the kids so they don't clutter their shelves with ipods, toys and junk.

As for triggers...I am not the kind of housekeeper who needs to have a perfect house. I would never pass a white glove test, and I'm not particularly bothered by that fact either. I would love it if my house were continually tidy but such is rarely the case despite my best efforts. For me, purging has become something that I just do regularly. From time to time I get called by Big Brothers asking if I have anything that they could pick up to take to Value Village. Even if I don't at that moment, I make a point of saying yes and never fail to come up with a few boxes or bags of stuff.

Our society teaches us that we need all sorts of things to survive and be happy, but that really isn't true at all. I couldn't get rid of everything I own, but I can do with a lot less. I've even been known to sift through my books as much as that pains me.

Purging & Pondering

My mantra for the past several years has been "simplify". While I do not believe that I am a packrat, I am constantly amazed at how quickly we seem to accumulate stuff, even though I regularly purge excess junk from the house. Junk multiplies like rabbits, I guess.

It has been several months since the last purging. Since I haven't done a whole lot of anything around the house since my accident, it has to have been more than four months. So far, I have accumulated roughly 100 lbs or more of stuff that we don't need or no longer use, and I haven't even started on the kids' rooms yet. Actually, there's a lot that I haven't touched yet, because I always run out of time or energy before I get around to the deeper recesses of the house.

I often wonder if I could survive going back in time about a hundred years or so when life was "simpler", or at least less cluttered! It's a toss up, I think. I do quite enjoy some modern conveniences like basic appliances, my computer, and the ability to watch TV or a movie; however, there is something appealing about working land, being mostly self-sufficient, and not having a life crammed to overflowing with junk and useless, needless things. It doesn't matter. I can't go back in time, but I will continue to wage this never-ending war against clutter.

While sorting through the boxes under my bed, I took the opportunity to read through some old cards and letters given to me by friends and family. There are two boxes of such mementos and treasures under my bed; it is a blessing to sift through them from time to time. This occasion saw me feeling more bittersweet than warm & fuzzy as I read several cards/notes from my now estranged friend.

I've also been reading through my old journals. I enjoy looking back, seeing my growth and seeing the ways that God has answered prayer or worked in my life or the lives of the people I care about. I'm currently reading through 2006/2007 which wasn't the best of years. As much as reading through all that pain renews the pain, it is still amazing to see that there has been growth and God has been working, even if it hasn't always been the way I hoped it would be.

Purging and pondering. Two seemingly random trains of thought, and yet...

Sometimes we need to clean house, dig deep and get serious about being free of clutter and all those things that weigh us down: physically, spiritually, emotionally. Looking back to see how far we truly have come encourages and challenges, spurs us to keep going.

Older! Wiser?

Another birthday has come and gone. I am older, but I wonder if I am any wiser. Somehow I doubt it!

My birthday was kind of a drawn out affair, celebrated over three days. I went out for dessert with my girlfriends the night before my birthday which was wonderful! It is always a good thing to hang out with friends who love you, catching up and laughing together. We haven't spent as much time together over the past year as we used to. I miss our weekly times together but understand busy lives and conflicting schedules. I had a really good time!

I had to work on my birthday which is something I haven't had to do since before Sam was born! My co-workers wished me a 'Happy Birthday', sang to me in the staff room and gave me a mini carrot cake with a candle.

A friend gave us 6 tickets to the Rockets hockey game for that night which was a treat. Sam brought a friend, so Abby stayed at home with her friend (and grandparents). The game was a blow-out in the Rockets' favour (6-0). Not much of a game but entertaining and fun.

Saturdays are typically a full work day for me, and this one was no different. The day started out crazy but ended with a whimper, so I was able to head home early, just in time to see Canada win gold at the World Juniors in overtime! Sam had a hockey game that night, so Kane and I had dinner at the adjoining sports bar before the game. It wasn't exactly the dinner out that we would have liked to have enjoyed to celebrate my birthday, but sacrifices need to be made sometimes.

Oh, Abby and her friend did make me a cake on Saturday while I was at work. They put a lot of effort into it, but I don't have any pictures. That's what happens when someone else has the camera!

I am 36 years old now. How did I get so old?

Last Post of 2007

I think I am a fairly retrospective kind of person. I love history. I enjoy looking back to see how far I've come and just where exactly I have been, because one cannot always tell in the moment! Perhaps this is why I journal and why I read through my journals from time to time. I suppose it is only natural to feel retrospective at this time of the year when one year ends and a new one is set to begin, but this is something I do on a regular basis throughout the year in many little ways.

I was thinking last night about the past decade and how far we've come as a family in that time. 1997 was a terrible year in many ways; more than I care to recount here. Kane's mom passed away and we bought her house. We've lived here for ten years, in the same house where Kane grew up, and it nearly feels like it is completely ours rather than my mother-in-law's house. Ten years ago, Abby was not yet born, and I was waddling after two pre-schoolers. Kane was installing water meters. Here we are today with a 14 yr. old, a 12 yr. old, and a girl that is 9 going on 16. Kane is working on his plumbing apprenticeship, and I am working part-time. Wow!

2007, in comparison, hasn't been quite as bad a year as 1997 was; however, it hasn't exactly been all that great of a year either. I want to say that the past year was a good year and so it was on the surface, I guess. In many ways, it was a benign year with really only two events to stir things up.

The car accident. I am tired of people at work asking me how I am doing. They mean well, and it isn't that I don't wish to answer...there just isn't a whole lot to say on that subject. I still have a headache which has never completely gone away. The severity may vary from day to day or hour to hour, but it is still always there. The back pain isn't quite as bad but even that is something that changes from day to day depending on the situation. If I'm off work for a few days then my back might not be too bad, but if I'm working and doing a lot of bending then it is going to be bothering me a fair bit more. A trip to the chiropractor tends to make my headache worse and might aggravate my back, or it might not result in any noticeable change. I'd love nothing more than to say that I'm feeling better. I am...better than I was a month ago which was better than the month before that, but it is more like a two steps forward, three steps back kind of recovery. It isn't like a broken bone which can be set, casted and healed in 4-6 weeks.

The other event wasn't so much an event as it was/is an ongoing emotional struggle. I think I have only written about it once before here as it isn't something I have felt too "safe" in talking about it on my blog. Long story made incredibly short...someone who was one of my closest friends pulled away and shut me out. It was something that started a couple of years ago and reached the breaking point a little more than a year ago. At that time, I made the decision to take a step back from the relationship. There really wasn't much of a relationship left, and I was being consumed by stress and insecurities. Stepping back was a difficult thing to do; it went against my nature. I've always been a friends for life kind of person, but I needed space for my own protection and sanity.

When I made that decision, I didn't really know what the result would look like. Stepping back didn't necessarily mean cutting all ties, and I don't think I could have done that without creating a huge mess. Mostly, things were easier for a while, less stressful, more sane, but there has always been an invisible cord keeping me tied to the situation. I can't escape it and so I've been shaken a few times again this year, sucked back into the stress and forced to make difficult decisions yet again. It is tiring.

I don't hate this person even if I don't feel like I truly know this person anymore. I wish I could say that I'm not angry, but I know that I do have a little anger simmering beneath the surface. There is a lot of confusion and uncertainty still. Mostly though, I am simply sad and wounded but surviving.

And that has been my 2007!

Christmas

Yes, we did survive Christmas! Actually, we had a nice Christmas, quiet and uneventful, which is always a good thing.

I heard someone get up at 6:00am Christmas day with more pitter-patter shortly after. I tried to sleep just a little bit longer, but it wasn't very long before all the kids were up and quietly waiting. It was slightly strange to think back on just how quiet and patient they were in their waiting...weird! While we waited for grandma and grandpa to stir, I got the turkey ready to go in the oven, and then we were opening presents and having fun.

We feasted on turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, Brussels sprouts, cranberries, carrots, celery sticks with Cheez Whiz, pumpkin pie and Christmas baking. Neither of my brothers-in-law showed up which wasn't really all that surprising, but my brother did as did my sister and her boyfriend and two kids. It was a good thing. I'm not sure how long Candice has been with Darcy (must be several years now), but this was the first time that he has been at a family function. It feels weird to say that 'out loud'. It wasn't intentional; just miscommunication. I've always just assumed that either Candice didn't want to include him or that he himself did not want to be involved. But, Kane and Darcy were in the same plumbing class over the past few weeks, so they were able to get to know each other and communication lines cleared just a little. A good thing!

I got my Pride & Prejudice movie, so I am happy. Everyone seemed happy with their gifts.

We ate too much and lay in a semi-comatose state for the rest of the night, but we were able to sleep in the next day. Kane and Abby made brunch on Boxing Day (well, I made my mini frittattas). Kane had invited his two brothers to come over for brunch, both said that they would but, naturally, neither showed. One was too hung over and the other had already made a big effort in giving us a Christmas card with money for the kids. That brother could have dropped off the Earth for a year or two for all we knew; he basically shut himself away from everyone. His life is a mess, but he's working on change, and we are pleased by the little steps that he has been taking. It would have been nice if he had come over for Christmas, but he hasn't acknowledged the kids at Christmas or their birthdays for probably 3 or 4 years!

Family!

Kane finished school right before Christmas and won't be going back to work until January 2nd. He's been able to get a lot done in the new suite and downstairs. In fact, we separated the bunk bed today and Sam will be sleeping downstairs as of tonight! The boys are so excited!!! Sam's room isn't really ready yet, but he can sleep in a room without a dividing wall, so long as he remembers that he's not allowed to watch the TV or play video games when he's supposed to be sleeping.

I am working a lot over the holidays. It is a good thing, I guess, even if it is more hours than I really want. Gotta love how my availability suddenly changes during school breaks without any word from me! I don't mind starting earlier when the kids aren't in school as long as it isn't every day, but I did have to leave a note when I was given a couple of shifts until 5pm. Ugh.

So yeah, it has been a good Christmas, even if Kane did make us watch White Christmas on Christmas Eve. I'm just glad that it wasn't It's a Wonderful Life! It was a hoot listening to the kids' comments while watching the movie though. Here's one example:

Casey: Is this movie real life?
Abby: No, because if it was real life it wouldn't be so hokey!


Jill Paquette played at our church on Christmas, and she was amazing. She's a Canadian girl now living/working in Nashville, and I loved her music and her voice. I need some time to listen to her cds, because I know that the words are rich and meaty, the kind of music that reaches in and touches you. check her out www.jillpaquette.com








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Twas the Day Before Christmas...

and all through the house
not a creature was stirring...

wait a minute!

This is my house and creatures are most definitely stirring!

Actually, Kane and the boys are off finishing off their Christmas shopping, while Abby and I have been busy in the kitchen. I have a list (where would I be without my lists?!) of things that need to be done for tomorrow, mostly concerning the big turkey dinner. It isn't a big list compared to most of my lists for such occasions. Either I have been more efficient than I thought I was or I'm forgetting a whole bunch of things that I won't remember until the last minute! Ah well, my mantra this year has been that Christmas will come whether I am ready or not, and so it will.

Pumpkin pies are cooling on the counter. Onions and celery for the stuffing have been chopped, Brussels sprouts trimmed. The turkey has thawed and is waiting in the fridge to be stuffed and popped in the oven in the morning.

I think I only have one thing left to wrap tonight and, of course, the stockings to stuff.

Some family is coming over tomorrow, although I am not entirely sure exactly who or how many. I do know that one sister is coming and bringing her boyfriend, hopefully kids, too. Pretty sure my brother will be here, but I don't know about my other sister and her kids and boyfriend. Both local brothers-in-law have been invited but their presence is somewhat doubtful. One has said that he won't come if the other is there, while the other has made a commitment to help at the Gospel Mission tomorrow.

I'm still not convinced that I feel very christmas-y yet, but I do feel a measure of hope and joy that I did not feel even a week ago. The past three and a half months have been quite different from what I could have anticipated. The car accident shook me up: physically, emotionally and most likely spiritually as well. It is amazing how something so seemingly minor can cause so much upset in a person's life!

How the Grinch Stole Christmas has been playing on TV quite frequently for the past month, and I could not be happier about it. I've always loved that book and cartoon, and I can relate to it so well. I am not the Grinch wanting to be rid of Christmas, and I'm not convinced that I am a Who either; however, I am encouraged by the reminder that Christmas is far more than ribbons, bows, boxes and bags and toys, gifts, trees, and roast beasts. Every year seems to be a frantic dash to the finish line, and it is easy to get caught up in the busyness of checking items off of 'to-do' lists rather than simply basking in God's love and precious gift to me!

We're having a white Christmas this year, and today the sun is shining! Despite the pain and the depression that goes along with it, I think this will be a good Christmas, maybe even a great one!

This is disjointed. Sorry about that, but I find my thoughts are often disjointed lately, interrupted as they are by thoughts of pain and distracted by musical rabbit trails playing on the stereo. There's just too much to say, but I can only sit in this chair for so long, and I don't quite know where to begin or end.

Bits & Bites

1. If a product is advertised as being a blueberry tea cake then there should be blueberries in it and NO raisins. It looked so good until I took that first bite and felt the squishy that could only come from a raisin. Blech! Seriously, I despise raisins in things. I like raisins plain, in cereal, or covered in chocolate but not in cookies, muffins, loaves or anything else.

2. Sam's band class is learning to play music from the Lord of the Rings movie! He's excited. I'm excited. When Sam was in grade 7 and just starting out in band, we heard the grade 9's play the same LOTR music at one of their school concerts. It was amazing. I will be most annoyed if Sam's class does not play this music for their spring concert.

3. I am finished my Christmas and Casey's birthday shopping! What a relief that is to be done. I was amazed at how easy it was to find the perfect gift for everyone last year, but this year could qualify as 8 hours of torture. I didn't have a clue and nothing popped out at me. There were lots of "hmmm, maybe but I don't know" and very little "that's perfect!" But, I did finally find that perfect gift last night after hours of looking for Casey's birthday gift. I feel so good about it that I almost feel Christmas-y.

4. The headaches and back pain continue. I am finished with physiotherapy as their efforts were not producing any noticeable results. So, I have moved on to chiropractic treatment and have had three adjustments thus far. The chiropractor ordered x-rays for my neck and lower back, amazed that my doctor had not already done so, and he went over the results with me yesterday. Surprise, surprise! My head isn't screwed on right! The curvature of my neck is not normal, but my lower back looks pretty good. The good news with the neck is that the joints are still loose and not compressed. Needless to say, I'll be visiting the chiropractor a lot over the next few weeks; hopefully, I'll experience some noticeable results soon.

5. I am making peppermint patties today. The only thing left to do is coat them in chocolate, but I think I'll wait until later when the kids are here to help. Abby did want to help, and I've lost my motivation already.

6. I've also got a pot of Italian meatball zuppa on the stove for supper tonight. It is a recipe that I clipped from some magazine a while ago and have wanted to try. It looks good so far. The recipe calls for fennel which is a vegetable that I have never used before. I knew it had a licorice flavour to it, but I didn't realize how strong even the smell was until I was cutting it.

7. I've watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original) twice already this season. It is one of my most favourite of Christmas specials. How can you not love Dr. Seuss?! It fits though. Christmas will come whether I feel ready or not. The best parts of Christmas aren't found in the wrappings or activities, decorations or traditions.

8. I'm hoping to have Christmas Eve and Boxing day off work. I've offered to work New Year's in exchange, because I won't be hung over and would much rather have Christmas off! Unfortunately, there are many people who want both holidays off, which they really aren't supposed to ask for, so I guess I'll find out tomorrow when the schedule is posted.



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Simplicity

The trouble with so many of us is that we underestimate the power of simplicity. We have a tendency it seems to over complicate our lives and forget what's important and what's not. We tend to mistake movement for achievement. We tend to focus on activities instead of results. And as the pace of life continues to race along in the outside world, we forget that we have the power to control our lives regardless of what's going on outside.
- Robert Stuberg

Proof that Life Does Go On...

Abby (last drummer on the left) and some of her classmates putting on a drum performance at school.

Casey (#10) waiting for the serve in the last grade seven boys' volleyball game of the year.

The "Zamboni" at last week's hockey tournament in Rossland, BC.

Sam's first penalty ever!

Most of the team.

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Hokey Dinah!

Okay, so I sometimes say really cheesy things in exclamation even if I do my best to keep them stuck in my head when in public situations, but I had to use the exact expression that popped into my head when I took a look at my blog and realized how long it had been since the last time I posted.

Hokey Dinah!

What can I say? In my own way I've been busy, though not so busy that I don't have more than enough time to twiddle my thumbs. My boss has been most sympathetic to my "recovery" and is more than willing to adjust my schedule. I have been working 16 hours a week: two 4 hours shifts during the week and an 8 hour shift on Saturdays. The kids always keep us busy, and it seems that there is hardly a day of the week that doesn't have some activity requiring our attention. Monday is ball hockey, Tuesday is ice hockey, Wednesday is youth, Thursday is Xplore, Friday is supposed to be ball hockey, and there is always at least one hockey game on the weekend, sometimes two. I didn't even include the before/after school sports! I have come to accept that my life will be perpetually busy until the kids are grown and self-sufficient.

Still, I have had lots of time but not always the motivation or energy. I still have a headache; I'm not counting the days right this minute but it has been nearly 2 months since the accident and I've not had one minute without this blasted headache! The past week or two has been more painful than it was in the middle of October which, coincidentally, is also the last time I blogged. The back pain has also been worse this week but that could be partially due to my back being used as a pin cushion by my physiotherapist earlier in the week. He did warn me that my back would be worse for a couple of days, and he wasn't joking. Even before the acupuncture, my back still is prone to pain. I've been using my heating pad religiously.

I'm afraid that my idle time has quite simply been spent being idle. I've been reading lots, and I've begun another cycle of jigsaw puzzles. That's what happens when I visit Value Village! I don't go there often, but Casey was in need of a "cowboy" shirt for Halloween so I dragged myself across town to VV. Not only did I find a suitable shirt, but I also brought home a stack of puzzles. The only problem is that I find it difficult to read and do a puzzle at the same time. I can watch TV and read at the same time, or I can watch TV and do a puzzle at the same time, but reading and puzzles just cannot co-exist in the same moment. Multi-tasking only goes so far! So, do I work my way through my stack of books or the stack of puzzles? Sadly, I am just silly enough to attempt both.

Speaking of books...the annual library book sale is this Wednesday through Friday! I'm not working on Thursday, so guess where I'll be heading?

Okay. I love music, but I am not a musical person in terms of ability. Two years playing concert band clarinet does not make me a musician, nor does the ability to read basic notes on a scale and peck out those same basic notes on a piano. As a child, I sang with school choirs and Glee Clubs (do they even have those anymore?) and even solos! Growing up with three sisters fairly close in age meant that we were sometimes called upon to sing together for church services or family gatherings. Like many children, I spent my share of day-dreaming time lip-synching to the stereo with a makeshift microphone, but I always knew that music was never my thing.

My music listening tends to run in cycles depending upon my mood and what is going on in my life. While I enjoy a wide variety of music, my collection is rather small as I choose not to spend much money on keeping up to date on the latest hits. Besides, I know that, while I may really love one song, I may not enjoy the rest of that artist's music and don't want to spend $20 for one song. I know...an ipod would be perfect for me. Maybe someday when I have extra cash...

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a Bare Naked Ladies phase, and one song in particular was my go-to song. No sooner would the dying strains begin than my finger would push the 'rewind' button on the cd player. Thankfully, I was driving solo most of that phase so there was no one to annoy but me and I didn't care! The song was Call & Answer. I love that song, especially one part:

"so if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed-up things that you do
If you ever do, I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back
here to rebuild
Rebuild... "

It is a song that I feel somewhat guilty for liking so much. There is a hint of unforgiveness and bitterness in the song which is why I feel guilty; however, there is a lot more depth to the words. In many ways, it so mirrors a situation in my own life, which is why I have such a difficult time listening to the other songs on the cd!

But, this week has brought a different song, one that is lighter and more hopeful. I have pulled out an old Whiteheart cd, Freedom and the song is Over Me. Yes, I do still listen to my '80s music and love it!

"caught in a summer rain
but I don't run for cover
I stand out in the shower
rain running over me
I could stay for hours
and though the sky is dark
and there's a shadow on the land
the rain comforts me
it is the touch of His hand

I feel His love pouring down over me
warm healing waters that set me free
safe in the arms of eternity
held by the wonder and mystery
over me..."

Just so you know, I do not always get stuck on one song. Really, I'm not some kind of psycho.

It must be time to change the cd though...what will be next? I think I need some Margaret Becker.

It has been a little more than a month now since the accident, and I am still suffering the effects. The CT scan came back normal which is a good thing though frustrating. The headache continues, but my doctor has finally acknowledged that over-the-counter pain relievers just weren't cutting it and prescribed some Tylenol 3. Of course, they make me drowsy most of the time, so I'm really limited as to when I can take them...lot of good that does!

My mid and lower back is absolutely killing me today. I had physio yesterday and he was quite heavy handed on that area, even putting me on the "rack". He warned me to expect extra stiffness and pain in that area, and he wasn't joking.

A small blessing...the headache hasn't been as strong today as it has been for the past week or two. My head has hurt for so long that I'm not sure what a pain-free head feels like. Bliss, I'm sure.

The ICBC meeting went well, I suppose. Better than I had anticipated. I gave my statement and answered a million questions, feeling like a specimen under glass. She gave me the ICBC spiel about how normal my suffering is, how many people make the mistake of not going back to work soon enough after an accident, how lots of people live and work with aches and pains, and expressed the opinion that we'd settle everything nice and tidy next week. Yeah.

I'm sure my suffering is normal. Typical. I'm certainly not enjoying not working (at least not too much), but there are no "easy" tasks for me to do at work to make things easier on myself, despite what the adjuster said to that effect. As for settling, I don't particularly want to drag it out and I'm not seeking to strike it rich on this claim, but I also do not want to settle anything so long as I am still having pain and issues. If everyone is telling me that the headaches can last for months, then I certainly don't want to settle in October if I might still be having pain in February!

I am doing more and getting up and out more, too, although I've paid the price later in the day with a lot of back pain. So, I try to make my plans for the morning and leave at least part of the afternoon for napping and the application of heat while laying down.

4 Weeks

So, I saw my doctor on Monday after another virtually sleepless night. I like my doctor. Really, I do, but he also frustrates me as he often seems reluctant to delve deeper than the surface and always seems in a hurry and almost patronizing. It is probably more my perception and insecurities than his actual care and attention, but it is a big part of why I avoid going to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. My imagination can run wild and I make the effort to explore and research symptoms and problems on my own; however, I am not a hypochondriac! If I go to the doctor with a problem, it is something that is truly a problem for me. I will suffer through a lot and have a fairly high pain threshold, but I do have my limits.

I was supposed to work on Monday before my doctor's appointment, but I phoned in sick around 5:00am because I hadn't yet fallen asleep! After that I managed to sleep until 7:00am when it was time to rouse the kids for school. Once they were out the door at 8am, I tried to fall back asleep but was only able to squeak out another hour of sleep. My headache was quite painful that day (and has been more painful more often lately).

Kane came with me to my appointment to be a stronger, more firm voice as I was desperately hoping that the doctor would recommend more time off work. I am so glad that Kane did come with me, otherwise I might not have been given that recommendation and I would have bawled. I've gone to work because I was scheduled, but it was nothing short of torture. The doctor did finally tell me to take another two weeks off, but I could tell that he was reluctant. He gave me another prescription for a muscle relaxant which should also help me sleep, and he told me that I am depressed because I got a little teary while explaining how miserable I am feeling.

Now, I appreciate that I might be somewhat depressed. After all, I was in an accident through no fault of my own. I've had a headache every single minute since impact and drugs aren't easing that at all. Since I've been back to work, I have had back pain to the point that I need the counter to keep me upright, and when I am done work I basically collapse on the futon for the rest of the day. I've begun having trouble sleeping because of the pain and pressure in my head. I'm not a teenager anymore and the thought of functioning through a busy day on only a couple hours of sleep is unappealing and unreasonable for someone in the process of "recovering". There has been the added stress of finding a new vehicle, dealing with ICBC, scheduling all my new appointments into an already busy life, guilt over letting my boss down, guilt over not feeling up to doing more around my own home, guilt over feeling as crappy as I do when I don't look injured, and then anxiety because my doctor doesn't seem to give real weight to how I am feeling. Is there a reason for me to be depressed? Absolutely! Am I? Maybe, but I resent the judgement based on something like a build-up of tears in such a situation. It doesn't take much for me to tear up. A sappy commercial on TV, a sad moment in a book, a heartwarming moment in a movie or TV show, talking about my weaknesses...all those things will bring tears to my eyes! Always have. Perhaps I have been depressed for my entire life?!

If I am truly depressed then explain it to me based on my pain and recent circumstances, but do not make that diagnosis based on a few tears that weren't even shed until you said I was depressed.

At least he ordered a CT scan which I am having done this afternoon. It might show nothing, but then again, it might show something which would explain the persistent headache.

3 Weeks Plus

I suppose it has been a while since I last posted here. To be honest, I haven't been up to it or up to much of anything really. I've managed to drag my carcass to work for my scheduled shifts, manipulated my body through the required motions to get the job done and dragged my carcass back home at the end of my shift, exhausted and in much pain. Within an hour at work my back is screaming in pain and I find myself leaning heavily on the counter at every opportunity. Through it all is the never-ending headache which refuses to be tamed by Advil, Tylenol, or even something a little stronger.

One co-worker is constantly asking if I'm okay and recognizes my little white lies when I tell her that I'm doing okay. Kane has been nagging me, telling me that I shouldn't be going to work, and hounding me about the hours I'm working. He is concerned and probably right. I know it, but it isn't so easy for me to throw in the towel and show weakness. I don't want to let anyone down. It is a busy time at work. We're busy but understaffed, so I feel guilty about being unable to perform the way I want to and the way I am needed to perform. I feel guilty about needing and wanting time off work to fully recover. The guilt is fuelled by the fact that I don't look injured. It wasn't until I brought photos of my broken van into work that some of my co-workers realized just how devastating the impact was! But, I am realizing that, as much as I am needed at work, my health has to come first and I truly am not up to working the hours that I am being given.
It doesn't matter if I work four hours or eight, when I am done work I spend the rest of the night laying on the futon with ice and a heating pad. In pain and completely wiped out.

I have a doctor's appointment after work on Monday, and I am going to see what he will say about taking more time off work. Massage has been lovely, most of the time, but I haven't noticed any difference. The physiotherapist has exhausted all his means of manipulating a headache and struck out with each one. He even resorted to acupuncture on my last visit which was a first for me. He's at a loss, unable to explain why I have this constant headache and puzzled as to why he can't do anything to affect it for good or bad. It's been a little more than three weeks now.

I've also begun having difficulties sleeping at night. I am tired, exhausted and ready for nap all the time, but the headache pain and now pressure in my head when I am laying down keeps me wide awake for hours. Tuesday night was the worst keeping me awake until after 4:00am! My alarm rang at 7:00am so that I could get the kids up and ready for school. I had to be up at 5:45 this morning for work, but I laid in bed unable to sleep until after midnight. The pressure is like sharp fingers pushing through my skull in the middle of my forehead and above my ears. Aaargh!

In happier news, we now have a "new" van. It is a 1996 Ford Windstar mini-van. The exterior is green, the interior a beige kind of colour. It seats seven with captain's chairs in the middle, and it has a CD player! It is clean and has been well maintained with an impeccable folder full of records and receipts! It even came with a set of new winter tires on rims. We picked it up last Monday night. The Aerostar had a truck chassis which the Windstar does not have, so it feels and drives very differently, but we're liking it.

It looks like we will continue to be a busy family. Everything is starting up again and plates are rapidly filling up.

Sam has had two hockey evaluation times already with another one tomorrow afternoon. It's a little disappointing to have learned that many of the players from his team last year will be playing rep this year, but all we are hoping for is a decent coach. Last year's team was amazing and I don't think that year will ever be replicated again; however, I am extremely glad that Sam had the opportunity to play with such great kids and to be taught by an amazing set of coaches. Last year was like a fairy-tale year for him. Hopefully, this year will be a good one, too.

Sam is also hoping to play ball hockey on Friday nights but that will depend upon his hockey schedule. He is also doing cross-country running at school, although he missed the first race because his knee has been giving him some trouble. Growing pains maybe? He took part in the second race but found it harder than he expected. Of course, being in grade 9 now, he also has to run nearly twice the distance!

Casey is also doing ball hockey (Monday nights) and cross-country running. He did very well in the first race with a time of 18:53 finishing in sixth place for grade 7 boys and about 19th overall. The distance was roughly 4km. I don't know his results for the second race, but he seems to be enjoying everything and finding many reasons to gloat over his brother. Casey has also begun volleyball at school which means fitting after school practices/games in with cross-country running practices/races and ball hockey and youth group!

Both boys are in junior high youth group this year which happens on Wednesday evenings for the most part.

Abby isn't as involved as the boys are which is perfectly fine by me, but she makes up for it in her social life. She is involved in Xplore at church which is a music/drama/crafts program. She spends a lot of time on the phone or playing with her friends from school.

Kane has been working on the renovations as often as he can. Most of the drywall has been installed, taped, mudded and sanded. I believe that he is ready to start painting. There is still a bit of electrical work to be done and the plumbing and venting also. Little by little, things are getting done.

I have been working, sleeping, applying ice and/or heat, eating ibuprofren like candy, reading, watching TV, tossing and turning, running to appointments, and basically doing as little as possible. What I haven't been doing is: scrapbooking, finishing off my big "to-do" list that I never did quite finish before the accident, washing dishes, scrubbing the tub, yard work, jogging, or any activity which requires a lot of effort or flexibility.

And I know that it is time to wrap this post up because my fingers keep hitting the wrong keys and I can't ignore them but have to go back and fix everything that I can, or at least the stuff that I can "remember" as being wrong.

So this will be disjointed and kind of random but such are the paths of my life these days...

1. Our van has officially been written off by ICBC. We kind of expected that and weren't too surprised with what they offered us, but we're hoping to get a little bit more.
2. I have mixed feelings about the loss of our van. It is exciting to get something *new*, but finding a vehicle that fits our needs and our budget is stressful and rather a hassle. Our van was in good shape and we had no plans to replace it in the near future. Instead, it has been ripped from our lives and we never really got to say good-bye. Silly, I know.
3. Kane and I spent a large portion of today searching for vans. We struck out at all the used car dealerships but found a promising van via the classified ads. We both really like this van even though it is a little more than what ICBC is offering at this point, but we could be prepared to come up with the difference. We're planning on taking this van to a mechanic for an inspection on Monday, but it is in far better condition than most of the others we saw today and the price is fantastic for the year and condition. I'm trying not to get too excited, but I am hopeful.
4. I used the last of my prescription anti-inflammatories this morning. :o( I don't know why I feel kind of bummed about it; I generally prefer to avoid taking medications and the anti-inflammatory didn't even begin to touch my headache. But, my neck is feeling better every day!
5. I haven't been sleeping well at night since Tuesday. The massage therapist said I should sleep on my back rather than my side because of muscle stiffness and limited range of motion in my shoulder, particularly the right one which is the side that I favour. There is a reason that I sleep on my side and that is because it is the way that I sleep the best! I cannot fall asleep on my back and, when I wind up on my back during the night, I wake up with a sore lower back. Still, I've been trying to listen and be obedient but I need more sleep!
6. I'm still napping every day which is quite out of character for me, but I guess that's what happens after being in an accident and having your head shaken rather than stirred. What will I do when I return to work on Wednesday? I won't have time for anymore naps...
7. All that housework and extra cleaning I did before the accident has fallen into a state of chaos. What would this family do if I were seriously hurt? Kane's made an effort but still...you'd never know that I did have the house fairly clean and organized. So frustrating.
8. Everything seems to be starting up this coming week. Casey has ball hockey. Sam and Casey have cross-country running practices and their first race. Abby has her church music program. Youth group must be starting soon, maybe this week...good thing we're going to church tomorrow! We heard that hockey evaluations should be happening this weekend which means Sam needs to see whether his gear still fits. Yikes! There's a parent meeting at the school regarding the laptop program. Casey has a dentist appointment to make up for the one we missed when we were rear-ended. I have a doctor's appointment and three massage appointments. I work Wednesday through Saturday. We have to take care of inspecting this potential van and dealing with ICBC. And I will probably want nothing more than to crawl into bed with some extra strength ibuprofen.
9. I have an AGM report newsletter to prepare for our baseball association, but I've only received one submission so far and the deadline was supposed to be yesterday. Another thing on my plate...
10. School fees are ridiculously expensive! Just for the boys, including 2 yearbooks and a somewhat mandatory laptop backpack, I paid $215 and still had to buy school supplies and gym shoes! I paid $37 for Abby's fees and that included almost all of her supplies!
11. There is very little worth watching on TV on weekdays. I don't watch soap operas, and I dislike most game shows. I enjoy some cooking shows and some shows on HGTV, but those shows tend to repeat through the day. None of the interesting sports are on in the morning or early afternoon, and half the movies are ones I've seen a million times or have no interest in seeing. When you spend most of your day laying on the sofa for a week, it would be nice to find something exciting to watch. I've done a lot of reading but can only do so much of that.
12. The boys are going golfing tomorrow with grandma and grandpa. Sam thinks that he will own the course.
13. We went to watch the Rockets exhibition game tonight on the spur of the moment. Sam was already going with a friend. We got great seats and enjoyed the evening.

Crash

Casey and I were headed to the dentist around 4:40pm on Thursday, September 6. He had an appointment for 5pm. We were heading south on Glenmore Drive. Immediately after crossing the Glenmore/Bernard/Spall intersection, we had to stop behind the backed up rush hour traffic. There hadn't been any vehicle directly behind me while I had been driving. We stopped and I soon noticed a red truck pulling a trailer speeding toward me in my rear view mirror. I knew in a heartbeat that we were going to be hit, and boy were we hit!



I don't believe the other driver had enough time to slow down and, in my opinion, he didn't. We were hit hard and pushed into the vehicle in front of us. I heard the crunch of metal and the shatter of glass and in an instant my head and neck were hurting. Casey was freaked out, crying and also complaining about his head. I didn't cry right away. Despite my uncontrollable shaking, I managed to drive the van out of the way of traffic and find my license and registration for the police officer who was on the scene immediately. He was the car in front of the car I was pushed into.
There wasn't any visible damage that I could see to the car in front of me; however, I did lose my front license plate and managed to lose all my anti-freeze making the van undriveable. Casey calmed down quickly enough, but I would be shaking for quite some time. It took a while before I even noticed all the damage to my van. The captain's seat directly behind mine was lying askew ripped from its' anchor. Both front seats were permanently reclined. I didn't notice some damage until Kane and I went to the tow yard on Saturday.

We're still waiting to hear from ICBC, but we expect the van to be written off. The driver's side has a lot of buckling all the way up to my door. The rear hatch has tears in several places as well as the dents. The radiator, the seats, the rear window, the bumpers...it was rather surreal to walk around the van at the yard, touching the dents and seeing the damage after the adrenaline and emotion had drained away.

Casey seems to be fine. He repeatedly tells me that he's perfectly okay, but once in a while he will admit to having a slight headache. He's a kid though and much too busy to be slowed down. I'm doing okay considering how hard we must have been hit. Strangely, the airbag didn't go off and we didn't hit our heads on the dashboard. My neck is still stiff and sore, but I am finding it easier to lift my head up from the pillow now. I couldn't do that Thursday night or even Friday. My head still hurts, especially when I am in a vertical position rather than horizontal. I went with Kane to the doctor on Saturday. He had to get his stitches removed and he wanted me to be looked at again. The doctor I saw Thursday night was fine but wasn't willing to commit to drugs or time off work. He gave me the option to come back in a day or two if I needed those things which was nice but frustrating. We saw a different doctor on Saturday and he was much better. I've seen him before and found him to be more thorough than some of the other doctors at our clinic. Neither doctor believes that I have any pinched nerves which is good. However, this doctor did prescribe me an anti-flammatory and a muscle relaxant and gave me a referral for massage and a note excusing me from work up to and including the 17th. He also had me book an appointment for follow-up on the 17th.

Basically, I think that I could go to work and carry on with life as if everything was normal, but I know that I would feel like crap by the end of the day. My headache has increased in the few minutes that I've been sitting here typing this blog, and it will be time for me to crawl back into my nest on the futon. I've also been sleeping a lot, even without the muscle relaxant. It's all for the best, I'm sure.

So, we play the waiting game now. What will ICBC say about the van? If they write it off, how much will they offer us?




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Sunday

Edited on Monday

Yeah, it's another boring housework post, but I need to update my progress if even just to keep me motivated.

-clean linen closet (done)
-dust living room (done), dining room (done), master bedroom, bathroom (done), computer desk (done), framed photos (done)/art on the walls (done)
-clean inside the fridge
-clean outside of fridge, top to bottom (done)
-wash the shower curtain (done)
-mop kitchen, hall, stairs, bathroom, and all three bedrooms
-clean the tub and all the bathroom tiles (done)
-wash light fixtures in all rooms (dining room done)
-wash fingerprints off of walls and door jambs in all rooms
-clean all the windows (done)
-wash the futon cover (done)
-mend my quilts
-if I get that mending done, wash the quilts
-re-organize/purge bookshelves (done)
-wipe out inside of all kitchen and bathroom cupboards (done half of the kitchen)
-wash cupboard fronts in bathroom and kitchen
-clean, purge and organize kitchen (done) & bathroom drawers (done)
-dust cobwebs from all corners of ceilings (done)
-scrub bathroom ceiling with bleach to kill/remove mould
-take glass jars to recycling depot
-take empty beverage containers to bottle depot
-organize/purge storage room under the stairs
-clean, purge and sort laundry room cupboards
-clean outside of washer and dryer
-sort and organize pantry (done)
-pack summer clothes
-purge Abby's clothes (done)
-clean the carpet

I even had enough time today to bake cookies. I just finished dusting the living/dining room, and it is nearly 9:00pm. Normally, I do not do housework at this time of night, but I am motivated by the length of my 'to-do' list and the limited number of days to cross those items off.

Saturday

Kane hit his head on a hinge in his work van this morning while I was at work. Apparently, there was a lot of blood! He ended up with six or seven stitches.

I'm off work now until next Saturday! Yeah!

The kids are making tacos for supper tonight. I informed them last week that they are responsible for supper when I work on Saturdays from now on. Normally, Kane will share that responsibility with them, but he might be in a bit of pain by that time today.

I no longer need to wake up between 5-6am except for Saturdays! :o)

I'm tired.