Iris

The front yard is looking more luscious and beautiful by the day. The first iris bloomed just a couple of days ago, and the tulips are ever so close to blooming. Most every plant that I transplanted last fall is now growing; it's been exciting to watch. A co-worker blessed me with numerous plants that she was ripping out of her garden last fall, so I planted them in my newly renovated front yard, not really knowing what to expect. With my black thumbs, I wasn't even sure that these transplants would grow, and I admit that I still am basically holding my breath.

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The BIGGEST Loser

Okay, I admit it. I watch The Biggest Loser, although I have only begun to watch it this season. While I know that it is just another reality TV show, I love it. I cannot fully explain why I enjoy this show as much as I do. Perhaps it is all about timing and the fact that this season began at the same time that Kane and I started our weight-loss/lifestyle changes in January. Regardless of the reason, I find myself connecting with the participants on many levels. Last night's episode was a prime example of that.

Jillian, the trainer, was trying to get inside the head of one contestant to find out what was holding her back and why she got to where she was in the first place. Initially the contestant answered in a typical 'I don't know' fashion, but she eventually started to talk about never feeling good enough. She didn't feel like she was a good enough person, a good enough daughter, because she wasn't beautiful and slender. I may not be obese, but her sentiments echoed within me.

I have grown up, lived my life, believing that I am not now, or ever will be, good enough. On one level I can recognize that snare in my path, yet, in many ways, I can still be blind-sided by the truth of what fuels my actions and thoughts. It's not always very pretty.

In my school days, I never felt good enough. I was never a part of the 'in' crowd. I wore the wrong clothes. I didn't have the trendiest gadgets and gizmos. I didn't have the looks, and I didn't have enough skill or talent to thrive in the arts or sports. I was not good enough.

The adult world is really not all that different from the juvenile world. Only faces and places change. I still feel inadequate. I still don't have the looks or the right styles. I don't have the money or desire to collect all the trendiest gadgets and gizmos. My skills and talents are still mediocre at best. Even my job is low on the value scale. Most everyone seems smarter, more talented, more graceful, more skilled, and better than me. I often feel like a failure in the parenting category. I live my life feeling not good enough.

Even when I do recognize this negative thought, capturing it and releasing it are not so easy things to do. It's so much easier to swallow the lies, sit down in my miserable and dirty pit and stay there. One thing I realized last night, while watching TBL, was that a part of me was afraid of success, of being good enough. That may sound strange and silly, but I think there is real truth in that statement. As much as I might deny it, I am frequently desperate for recognition and praise. I need to hear that I am appreciated. I need to know that I have done a good job. But, when I am put in that spotlight, I feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, almost ashamed, as if I am an impostor stealing the spotlight from the more deserving person. I feel like a fraud.

So much of me is a struggle between opposing factions. I want to be confident, but I am so self-conscious. I want to lose weight and get in shape, but I feel like success will never be within my reach. I make so many good plans, and then I set myself up for failure. I want to be the one who has her act all together, and then I realize how much of a fraud I am because I don't.

Coincidentally, I saw the following quote on Facebook yesterday:

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting." ee cummings

That's quite a lot to think about...and all from watching The Biggest Loser!

BIG News!

BIG. The blogging theme for April is BIG. There are a lot of ways to talk about 'big'...expectations, ideas, plans, fears, the movie, my kids growing, mountains. You get the idea.

Sam came home from tennis practice yesterday with the big news that he had made his high school tennis team!

He has been looking forward to making this team since he started playing tennis about a year ago. Last fall, it appeared as if Sam would be a shoe-in for the team, as there were not too many boys coming out to the recreational fall tennis games. Try-outs started last week, and we were surprised to see a lot of boys striving for one of the seven spots on the team! Suddenly a shoe-in no longer seemed likely, and we had to consider that Sam might not even make the team at all.

Either way, I think the experience would have been good for Sam. He has never truly had to earn a spot on any competitive team before, so not making the cut would have been a great learning experience. It might have even prodded his 'drive' into over-drive! Sam is a good athlete, but I believe that he could be a great athlete-if he wanted it enough.

Sam is competitive. He wants to win and be the best. The problem is that he doesn't necessarily push himself to be the best. He has natural grace, balance, dexterity, and fluidity to his movements, and he excels at nearly every sport he tries. But he often coasts through.

Making the tennis team might be a good thing for him, too. Most of the kids on the team are quite good, definitely better than Sam but capable of being beaten. Undoubtedly they will play a lot of very good athletes over the course of the short season. There will be regionals and provincial tournaments. Sam is going to be up against a level of competition he really hasn't faced in his brief tennis career. He can either get utterly crushed or he can grow stronger through the effort. It's up to him.

So, I am a happy mama! Sam will have tennis to keep him busy for the next couple of months. Casey and Abby will have baseball. There will be no rest for the weary, at least until summer, and my crazy life will only be crazier. I wouldn't have it any other way!